Thread 41: Stories 76-90

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>Chrysalis
"AJ"
~~~~

*SLAM!*

>APPLEASS! I have a question.

"Slam mah' door again and the only question yer' gonna be askin' is when yer' new teeth are commin' in."

>HA HAA! Empty threats. Love it.

"Ain't ya' sposed ta' be wounded?"

>Bushelbutt, need I remind you I have the literal fountain of love incarnate on tap?... And Cadence too? How long did you think it was going to take until I repaired my severe kidney damage and aberrations in my heart, really.

"...Did ya'll really have all that?"

>NEVERMIND! My question is a simple one, really. I simply wish to know when the damage to my ballroom caused by your plushies is going to be repaired.

"And that's when it happened, yer' honor. Ah' killed her right on the spot."

>HA! Love it.

"An' jus' what makes ya' think Ah'm payin' a dime? They weren't mah' gal danged monsters."

>Nooo, they were made via Fluttershy, who is in fact an Equestrian royal, which means it is your administration that is responsible for repairs, my dearest little Applebottom jean breaker.

"...Ya' know what? We'll have it started tomorrow."

>Splendid! Well, with that out of the way, I was wondering-

"Ah ah! Since ya' happen ta' be here, ya' need ta' pick up this invoice right here."

>...oh? And what is on this little... paper.

"It's a bill."

>...

"Fer' the cakes yer' guys ate."

>...

"And guess who's gotta pay fer' it?"

>...This is a very large number.

"Loooootta cakes."

>...

"Ya' know what's funny? Ah' was honestly considerin' jus' lettin' the whoooole thing slide, just cause a couple tried ta' help out when the fuzzy things went wild. But Ah' guess we can't be lookin' at it like a favor, eh? Best ta' see it as royal officials!"

>...

"Jus' send the money order ta' Raven, she'll handle it. Bye bye!"

>...This round goes to you, Applejack.

"Yeah, it does. Have a nice day!"

>...The next one will be mine, and you will know regret.

*FLAME TELEPORT!*

"Huh. Threatened by a giant bug monster... it IS a monday!"
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First off, my sides. Second, in a paralell universe we have a Chrysalis who legit wants to learn about ponies/legislature and she constantly bugs AJ the way AJ gets on Celly.

"APPLEJACK NO! RUBLIN ROSETTE DOESN'T WORK WITH YOU-"

*BLAM!*

>Au princess AJ didn't last more than 3 threads.
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>AJ
"Dash"
'Rarity'
~~~~

"There we go! You guys are doing it!"

>Don't you patronize me.

'Really, Applejack, the cloud is just to help you land, you can hover just fine without it.'

>Ah' hear patronizin'.

"Look, you've already gone through every other cloud, let's just try to keep this one-"

*POOF!*

"...Dang it, Applejack."

>AH' JUS' KICK SOMETIMES!

'You do that a lot.'

>Well gee, it's almost like Ah'm from a profession with a lotta kickin' in it! WHAT'RE THE ODDS!?

"Well, great, now we're going to have to help you land again."

>Stuff yer' helpin', there's a cloud right here.

"AJ NO! THAT'S A-"

*CRACKBOOM!*

"..."

'Down... down... doooown... aaaand-"

*BLAM!*

'On the positive side, the bolt very likely knocked her unconscious, so she didn't even feel it when she hit the ground!'

"..."

'Well, excuse me for looking on the bright side.'
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>AJ
"???"
~~~~

>....Well, this is just insultin'.

"SIGN IT!"

>Luna? Ain't no way Ah'm signin' it so ya'll can, and Ah'm quotin' yer' legislature here, "annihilate all who dare call the royal flanks fat"

"IT IS FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY!"

>No.

"TYRANT!"

>...Pretty... pretty sure that's the wrong way around.
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Non-Canon Unfinished Cancelled Story
I had this in the works to help repair the relationship between Spike and DT, but I couldn't get it out in time.
Though I guess this isn't much since it's only the punchline.

>Spike
"DT"
~~~~

~Early scene Spike finds TBDRLIATU in the rubble~

~DT yells at the group and goes her own way to find TBDRLIUATU~

~Spike finds DT dejected~
>DT, I'm glad I found you.

"Hey, Spike..."

>Um...I found your rocket launcher.

She gasps
"HOLY CRAP! YOU FOUND SEXY! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!"
She gives him a hug and a kisses him on the cheek. She takes TBDRLIATU and she runs off.

Spike stands there wide eyed.
>...

DT comes running back.
"NO ONE WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU!"
As she runs away again, Spike falls to his knees and gets into a fetal position shaking.

>My body is so confused right now. I don't know what to feel.
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>???
"AJ"
____

After Luna had stormed out....

A head poked up from under the desk and 56 blinked.

>You wouldn't sign anything like that for her, right applebutt?

"Not in a million years."

He smiled.

>Good! I swear she can't take a compliment! I mean, yours is fat too- and I mean, huuuuuugely fat- but I don't see you drawin' up forms to make it illegal to... what're you writin' down there, huh?

"Jus' a little bill, sugar."

He craned his head to see what he could.

>A bill about what?

"Makin' it so y'all can't mention the words 'plot' and 'fat' or any variation of the words in the same sentence."

>...

"Kiddin'. The look on yer' face was more than worth it. Now go on and git outta here before Ah sign mah name to it."

He waited until she'd finished ruffling his already messy mane before leaping on the desk, leaping off, then dashing from the room.

"Don't forget t' feed Winona!"

>I won't!
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>AJ
"Dash"
~~~~~

>...No.

"Awww, come on. It's not that bad."

>...

"....FINE! Get rid of the helium, fella's. I guess SOMEONE doesn't appreciate my scientific mind."

>...

"...Shut up."
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>Dash
"Twilight"
'AJ'
[Fluttershy]
{Rarity}
~Pinkie~
~~~~~~~

>ALRIGHT LADIES COME ON! You call that flying?! I'VE NEVER SEEN A SADDER SACK OF FLIERS IN MY LIFE!'

'Ah'm gonna kill her.'

>HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST! And with that speed, ain't no WAY you're catching this! Now come on!'

"Why am I here? I can fly fine."

{Me too.}

[Me... well, I can fly already. Pegasus, remember?]

>You think THAT'S good flying? YOU DON'T KNOW FLYING!'

"I...guess? Only one of us besides you were born with wings."

>Oh? Really? I couldn't tell!

[...That was mean.]

>THEN COME AND MAKE ME SORRY!

~Come on team! RA RA YOU CAN DO IT!~

"Why are you carrying her anyway?"

>Because I need to handicap myself just to let you lot have even the smallest of chances! That's right, I am carrying the heaviest pony JUST TO SHOW YOU ALL UP!

~HEY!~

>Deny it, I dare you.

~APPLEJACK'S PROBABLY FATTER THAN I AM!~

'WHAT DID YA'LL JUST SAY!?'

>That's good! Use that rage! Come and get her, AJ!

~What? Your booty is HUUUUUUGE!~

'WHY YOU LITTLE!'

>AHAHAHAHAHH!

"...So, uh, does anyone else just want to go get something to eat?"

{I'm craving popcorn, and I don't know why.}

'AH'M GONNA KILLLL YOOOOU!'

~Hey, I'm pretty sure you sitting on me violates SO MANY wartime conventions!~

'RAAAAGGGGHHH!'

[...It's a mystery.]
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>42
"AJ"
~~~~~~

>No.

"Aww, come on."

>I am absolutely not, to quote, "Beating the stupid out of every single soldier until the stupid pools together in a gigantic mush of failure which will then be gathered together in a massive pile of incompetence in the center of the castle and set ablaze in a roaring fire that is competently made and maintained as a sign to all those who are now stupid free that their old ways will burn away and be replaced by the fires of a fighting force unrivaled in all of the world."...

"..."

>...Weirdly detailed and eloquent, by the by.

"Yeah, Trixie hooked me up with this writer she knew. Never met the fella, but he does okay work. Little flowery, but eh. Got the point across."

>...Still no.

"THEY LOST TA' FREAKIN' PLUSHIES, 42!"

>Noooo.

"DANG IT!"
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>41
"AJ"
~~~

>...

"..."

>...You do remember I'm not actually 42, right?

"Yer only a number off!"

>I have enough problems just fighting Suckerpunch, how the heck am I supposed to 'beat the stupid' out of your entire army?

"We'll spread 'em out!"

>No.

"C'mon, ya' said ya' didn't want ta' get mixed up with her anymore."

>...That is true.

"Well, she won't do this, so ain't no way they'll think yer' the same now!"

>Is the reason she won't do this because she thinks it's stupid?

"...Ah' plead the fifth."

>Have a nice day, Applejack Prime.

"DANG IT!"
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>Dash
"SA"
'Chrysalis'
~~

>Hey, Shiny? When you were looking though new recruits, what kind of qualities did you usually look for?

"Oh, great question! Well, physical fitness obviously. After that, making sure they had a good solid education, no criminal record of repeated violent crimes, no outstanding felonies or warrants, you know, basic stuff. It was important to choose smart, healthy soldiers, even if my standards for 'smart' were a little... uh, lax. We'll put it nicely and say 'lax'."

>Huh, sounds smart. What did you look for when hiring soldiers?

'Hire? HAH! We didn't hire them, they were chosen based on several notable qualities when they were born. Soldier class, infiltrator class and drone class were picked for them before they started walking.'

>...kind of harsh. So then, how'd you pick the best soldiers?

'Well, while I would LOVE to brag about it, technically I didn't do any of the picking, they were decided before I ascended and took over for my mother. If I had my own kids, I'd do the picking, but this hips are made for rutting, not child baring.'

>Well, how'd your mom decide?

'Same way everyone did! Take five, put them in a big pit, and fight to the death! Last one standing gets to be in the army.'

>...Didn't that reduce the number of your soldiers drastically.

'Hey, what worked better, Equestria's fuckhuge military, or us?'

>...Point.

"Dash, no."

>I wasn't going to make them fight to the death in a pit!

"Good."

>...Maybe just until they get knocked out-OW

"NO! BAD DASHIE!"
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>Dash
"PJ"
~~~

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>...

"...You have no idea who I am, do you?"

>Uh... you the one always looking for a job?

"Nope."

>The one who sets themselves on fire?

"Nu-uh."

>...Are you the unlucky one?

"Potatojack."

>Oh, you're a farmer?

"I actually fly around with this grappling hook and cut things up with swords."

>...That name doesn't really match.

"I really like potatoes. Come on, in the gun club, fought Twilight to a draw..."

>Ah. Didn't watch that, sounded kind of morbid.

"It was just a game."

>Still.

"...So did you want something?"

>Mostly for you to get off my desk. You realize you crashed through the wall and landed on my desk, right?

"Oh, right, sorry. Bad swing, hard to do this with a foreleg in a sling, think I got a concussion."

>Want me to call a medic?

"No no, think I just need a quick nap...."

>...

"...Zzz..."

>Well, fuck this.

*SHOVE!*
*CRASH!*

>They don't pay me enough to put up with that bullshit.
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NC
>Dash
"Applejack"
'Pinkie'
~~~~~~

~~~~~BEFORE LEAVING FOR PARTYLAND!~~~~

>I don't know Pinkie, maybe I should put on some sun screen?

"It has been a spell..."

'Oh, come on you drama queens, out we go into the great big sunny-'

*HISSSSS!*

>SWEET FAUST!

"IT BUUUUUURNS! THE LIGHT BUUUUUUURNS!"

*FWOOOSH!"

>FIIIIIRE!

"THE AIR, IT'S LIKE POISON! GLURBLE! GLLLLLGLGLGL!"

'...Guess it's been longer than I thought.'

>AHHHHHHHHHH!

"Glk...."
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>AJ
"Celestia"
'Twilight'
______

"Hey. Hey, Applejack."

>Not now, Celly.

"Heeeeeey, Applejack. Dear. I'm calling you."

>Really? Are ya? Ah couldn't tell!

"Well, now that you're aware of that fact, that I'm attempting to get your attention, you should reciprocate and lend me your ear."

>No.

"Whyever not, dear?"

>Because Ah already know what yer' gonna ask and y'all can stuff it where the sun don't shine.

"Thanks for bringing back memories of that wine bottle."

>Ah'll make it a repeat, keep testin' me.

"Come on, I just want to ask a simple question."

>No.

"How's-"

>Ah said NO!

"Looks like you've been flying-"

>CELLY AH SWEAR ON ALL THE CAKE IN THE KNOWN GALAXY IF Y'ALL SAY IT-

"Okay, okay, sheesh. ...But you know, you really shouldn't fly in the danger zone like that."

~~~~

'Soooo, uh... explain to me one more time how you managed to get four bottles of apple cider wine up there again...?'

>Yeah, Celly. How?

"I tripped."

'You... tripped.'

"Tripped right down into the wine cellar, yes."

'Somehow I don't believe that's the real sto-'

>Welp, y'all heard her, Twi'. Tripped, plain an' simple. Either way, Ah'm feelin' good again! Time to give that flyin' another try! See ya!

'...She did it, didn't she?'

"Apples have ears everywhere, I admit to nothing."

'Sigh... I'll go get Shiny.'

"Thanks."
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>NC
[SA]
~~

[Really, Celly?]

"Don't ask."

[...Swear I end up in here with you more than my freaking wife at this point.]

"What are you mumbling?"

[Nothing, nothing...]
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