reported

Reported so hard my report hand was fractured in 3 places. In the ambulance on the way to the hospital, the nurses looked tense for a moment, discussed amongst themselves then said it:

"You are the One."

Whilst in agonising pain I listened to them tell me how I was born to become Report Reportsson, a fabled superhero tasked with reporting retards who don't belong on /jp/. They showed me the Mayan scripture relating to my destiny, and slowly I accepted fate.

At the hospital, instead of operating on me normally, the surgeons grafted a laser beam onto my hand. When I use it as Reportsson, it blasts all my reports to the front of the queue and results in instant deletions and bans.

From that day on I have been using it sparingly but fairly, for with great power comes great responsibility.