fuckhands mcstrahd: session 13

- The first hour and 20 minutes was me reading NSFW Onceler confessions from 2018 because Luns and Niall spent 40000 years leveling up
- We begin to escort Anna back to Krezk
- Lilly sees something shiny on the road. It looks like a spyglass telescope thing! She pokes it and then picks it up. She looks at Belial and sees that he looks soaking wet.
- We pass it around and all see that it shows rain and lightning. Belial uses Identify and it gives a faint magical aura. He determines it's mildly cursed. The more we look through it, the more the rain intensifies.
- Overall nothing too notable so we take it and move on.
- Belial finds something made of leather (possibly a bag) in a hollow log. He opens it with Mage Hand. There's clothes inside.
- All right basically nothing happens and we get Anna to Krezk. We deliver the dress. The Abbot is too busy to see us but Otto thanks us at least.
- We head to Yesterhill. Ezmeralda goes to the Tower in the meantime since she's only with us when we want to murder Strahd.
- We find a skeleton warhorse and rider with a lantern that has no light. We just... walk on past. Nothing happens.
- We get to Yesterhill. Lightning strikes the top of it. There's a lot of dirt paths and slimy rocks.
- At the top, there's a twig statue of a fanged man. Arkan feels drawn to it. Lilly recognises it as Strahd. River and Arkan notice roots entangle its feet and it seems to be made of a lot of tree.
- Arkan rubs his hand along the statue and feels it's vibrating slightly.
- River hears a noise coming from the path we came up. It sounds like a horse. He tells us about it and we all go over to look.
- The horse has flaming hair and hooves. Riding it is Strahd.
- Lilly and Belial go invisible and run from Strahd. River prepares to kick ass. Arkan stares curiously.
- The three still in the rock circle see 12 graves shake. Six druids and six other... things. Bigger dudes. Still dudes. They're not undead, were just buried. The druids begin to dance around and sing, worshipping the statue.
- Lilly climbs the statue for the higher ground. Good thing she's invisible!
- Two beefy guys approach Seir and raise their greataxes.

- Strahd walks up the hill more.
- Belial stands near Seir defensively.
- Arkan steps closer to Strahd.
- Seir moves away the fuck.
- The druids continue their dance.
- Lilly climbs up the statue more.
- The berserkers move closer to Seir. Nobody notices Lilly.
- River yells, "Screw you!" down the hill, and summons an Ice Storm on Strahd. Arkan tries to stop him and fails.
- Strahd just leaves the ice, looking mad, and continues up the hill.
- Belial uses Web to cover the exit the berserkers are trying to get through. He manages to catch them. He also turns visible.
- Arkan yells, "You idiot!" at River and shocks the FUCK out of his face with Shocking Grasp. He then moves closer to Strahd.
- Seir attacks one of the beserkers.
- The druids continue to chant.
- Lilly continues climbing and gets to the statue's shoulder.
- The berserkers in the web break out and get re-stuck. It's funny. None of the others notice Lilly.
- River shoots a massive lightning bolt at Strahd and moves away from Arkan.
- Strahd turns to Arkan, charming him (as if that was needed), and says, "You should go."
- Belial tries to discern anything about the ritual. He figures it involves the statue and... that's it. He instead Tolls the Dead on the berserker Seir stabbed the fuck up.
- Arkan kind of fumbles around words and apologises for River's behaviour, asking for forgiveness, and then begins to leave as Strahd suggested.
- Seir stabs the berserker up again.
- The druids continue to chant.
- Lilly notices glowing in the statue. She tries to dig to it and fails.
- The berserkers continue to struggle in the web.
- River raises up the Holy Symbol of Ravenhold and yells, "BEGONE THOT." Strahd is indifferent.
- Strahd tries to do... something to River and fails. He just continues to move forward instead. River tries to make a swing and fails.
- Belial makes one of the beserkers explode in flames. The web explodes.
- Arkan shoots a Fireball at River, summons up the Big Woof of Ill Omen, and continues to walk off.
- Seir stabs the other beserker.
- The druids chant.
- Lilly manages to open the statue and finds a green glowing gem pulsating to the rythm of the chanting. It's covered in vines and shit.
- The beserker alive tries to attack Seir and misses horrifically. Seir stabs him in response.
- River tries Banishing Arkan. He fails. Arkan has a fucking +8 to CHA saves.
- Big Woof bites the shit out of River and takes a wee bit of thunder damage.
- Strahd makes Big Woof a Big Cluck (aka a chicken).
- Belial enlarges Seir. So now Seir is 12 feet tall. Ok.
- Arkan shoots several Scorching Rays and a Chill Touch on River's face. He knocks River out and brings him that much closer to death.
- Seir kills the McFucking shit out of the beserker remaining. He then scoops up Belial and starts running. Smart tbh.
- The druids chant.
- Lilly starts cutting the gem free.
- Some Beserkers pursue Seir.
- The chicken pecks River.
- Strahd moves over to the PVP and casts a spell of unknown effect.
- Belial is being cradled. He does some Erupting Earth and fucks up some of the Beserkers.
- Arkan and Strahd meet eyes. Strahd's eyes glow ominously, and Arkan feels something tickle in his mind. Still, he murders River then continues down the hill, the deed now done. Big Cluck is gone.
- Seir continues to run.
- The druids chant.
- Lilly continues to cut at the gem.
- The beserkers continue their pursuit.
- Strahd starts to cast Animate Dead. 1/10
- Belial is being cradled.
- Arkan continues to go down the hill.
- Seir continues to run.
- The druids chant.
- Lilly continues to cut at the gem.
- The beserkers continue their pursuit.
- Strahd continues Animate Dead. 2/10
- Belial is being cradled.
- Arkan continues to go down the hill.
- Seir continues to run.
- The druids chant.
- Lilly continues to cut at the gem and breaks it free! She shoves it into her bag.
- The beserkers look confused.
- Strahd continues Animate Dead. 3/10
- Belial is being cradled.
- Arkan continues to go down the hill.
- Seir continues to run and also observes Strahd.
- The druids are confused as to what happened to the ritual and are not chanting anymore.
- Lilly climbs out and turns into a Giant Eagle, then starts flying off.
- The beserkers hang out.
- Strahd continues Animate Dead. 4/10
- Belial attempts to steer Seir away from Strahd.
- Arkan continues to go down the hill.
- Seir continues to run, headed toward River, and also observes Strahd.
- The druids hang out.
- Lilly flies away.
- The beserkers see the fuckin eagle but don't have anything ranged.
- Strahd continues Animate Dead. 5/10
- Belial deflates Seir and also tries to Slow Strahd. Strahd does not care.
- Arkan continues to go down the hill.
- Seir continues to run, headed toward River, and also observes Strahd. He screeches, "Hold it!" like he's in Ace Attorney.
- The druids notice Seir and start to run toward him like, "Hey what the fuck" They also do some druid plant restraining bullshit.
- Lilly continues to fly away, but grabs River! Strahd is like "Hey what the fuck"
- The beserkers beserk.
- Strahd, offended his zombie River was taken from him, charms Seir instead. Seir gives him the wink o' sluttiness.
- Belial flies away.
--> Strahd takes a legendary action! He bites Seir and sucks up some blood. Seir manages to break the charm.
- Arkan remembers he has Haste and uses it on himself. Keeps running.
- Seir breaks free of the plants and fucking BOLTS.
--> Strahd takes a legendary action! He follows Seir.
- The druids hang out.
- Lilly continues to flee, now following Arkan.
- The beserkers beserk.
- Strahd charms Seir again.
- Belial flies a bit to Seir and swaps places with Strahd. He then tries to flee. Strahd goes kung-fu on Belial and grapples him and does some blood sucking.
--> Strahd takes a legendary action! He claws Belial and knocks him out.
- Arkan continues to run.
- Seir tries to give Belial a healing potion, but Strahd tells him to stop, so he does.
- The druids druid.
- Lilly decides to drop River and grabs Belial. Strahd looks to her and says, "If this is teamwork, you will never defeat me."
- Strahd shittalks.
- Belial fails a death save.
- Arkan ends Haste and is stuck there.
- Seir runs down the hill at Strahd's command.
- Lilly continues to fly away.
- Strahd turns into a bat and fly away.
- Belial fails a death save.
- Arkan sits down. He's tired. And he's off the hill.
- Seir uses the health potion on Belial.
- Lilly goes and picks up River again.

- Belial awakens! One of us is dead and being lifted away by an eagle. The other is at the bottom of the hill and tired. The other is holding him after shoving a healing potion down his throat.
- Dear lord, what have we done