Detective Berdly

You are Berdly. Who else could you be? It has been long since you've reached the conclusion that you weren't created for this world, but rather that this world was created for you. To be saved by you. You are its hero, its hope. You can see yourself in your golden armor of logic, galloping around the fields of irrationality, slashing the abominations of darkness and stupidity. Your intellect and quick whips are powerful enough to intimidate any lesser being within a 15 feet radius (or going by the clearly superior metric system: 6 meters). Your smile is brighter than the sun and instantly deletes any impurity to those you show it to. You can see it all around you: crowds cheering for you, girls asking you out for a date. To them, it is enough for you to blink in their general direction to make them pass out. The glory enlightens you. You throw your hands into the air and welcome all the praises you are receiving. You bow in every direction. The crowd is getting louder, the excitement growing stronger, the light getting brighter and then and then...

You wake up.

A ray of light is currently laid upon your eyes. You grunt and sigh. When you realize you can't go back to sleep, you pick up your glasses and put them on. Here goes another day at school. Another day surrounded by your idiot classmates. You shake your head. People accuse you of being judgemental, but it is their fault if they indulge in stupid behavior such as being fat (*cough* *cough* Catti), skipping school (*cough* *cough* Susie) and being a weirdo (*cough* *cough* Kris). If they actually made an effort, he would be the first to congratulate them on their improvements. After such a profound reflection on the sad condition of your peers, you decide that it is now best to divert your attention to more practical matters, for instance: getting out of bed. After getting dressed you head down the staircase and walk into the kitchen.

"Good morning sweety!" your mom greets you, "I've made pancakes for breakfast."

You look at the table. The meal looks below average.

"Yeah, whatever mom."

You sit down and begin eating. It tastes pretty mediocre. When you finish, you pack your things and head out.

"Have a great day sweetie!"

You don't reply. You adhere to the categorical imperative (theorized by the philosopher Cunt) of never showing affection if someone has wronged you in any way. Such desperate measures are needed in a time where stupidity reigns over reason and people assume that it is okay to follow degenerate social norms just because it "makes people happy". You heroically stand against any form of injustice even if it means your mom has to learn the hard way that you do not like pancakes.

As soon as you exit the door, you put on your trademark smile. You've practiced it thousands of time. You still remember when you used to sit in front of the bathroom's mirror and study all possible facial perfection until one day you reached absolute perfection. Not oven you can improve your most proud creation anymore. Plebs think that to show one's confidence one just has to curve your lips just a bit and look straight. AH! Just how much you would like to explain to them every detail of your smile! You would tell them how asymmetry brings depth to one's expression. You would make them notice how you squint your eyes a bit and lower your glasses to focus all your attention on your interlocutor. You would make them reflect on how you slightly tilt your head upwards to assert your position of power. Of course, they would ask you why you pay so much close attention to the simple act of grinning. They will never understand just how much power your confidence has. With this simple act, you are able to instantly tell people their place. Sometimes your muscles hurt after a long day, but it is a price well paid.

You are walking down the street. To all the people you see along the sidewalk, you give them your smile. They pretend to not have seen it, but you know. You know what they are thinking. You know just how much everyone wishes they would be in your place instead of what they ended up with. Sometimes they give you a bad look, but you know they do it out of resentment. You're smart and they aren't. You're successful and they aren't. Sometimes you fantasize about one day just stepping in front of someone and proceeding to list all the reasons why they are so bad at doing everything they do. You are sure that if you did this, no matter to whom, they would collapse on the ground and beg you to stop, but you would continue. You would humiliate them until your throat would turn dry. At that point, you would tell them that you value a glass of water more than any time spent with them and just walk away. You know you could pull this off. You're certain that if you did this, people would for once begin to respect you. Nobody would dare to wrong you anymore, in fear of you exposing their innermost faults with your perceptive observations. This little fantasy of yours makes you all warm inside, but alas you've never been able to accomplish it. After all, you don't want to be late for school.

You've arrived. You go through the main entrance and walk towards your classroom. It is customary for you to always be the first to arrive. You just love the satisfaction of smiling down upon every other classmate that enters after, as if you're reminding them that you are indisputably the number one student there and that they need to acknowledge this, and the quietly greeting them by saying their full name. But today there's an unpleasant surprise. As you enter, you notice that Kris and Susie are already there. Wait a second. Susie? The Susie!? For a moment your beautiful smile falters. You're in shock. Just for an instant through. You regain your composure immediately and sit down on your chair. This simple but atrocious affront to the status quo of things is bothering you. But you need to calm down. There's no need to be upset. You don't care about those two idiots. There are much more important topics of which you need to reflect upon. Like for example: what are the next steps that you could take after successfully...WHY THE HELL HAS SUSIE COME SO EARLY!?

Kris? You understand that freak. His mommy probably brought him early for the devil knows what. But Susie? You're pretty sure that barbarian would be late for her own wedding. Well, she probably doesn't have to worry about that since there's nobody in this world who could love someone as dirty and as rude as her, but still, the point is that she wouldn't be able to manage her time even if her life depended on it. Her laziness makes you infuriate. You just hope that one day she'll at least fo the extra step and become lazy enough to not get out of bed and show her face around. But why is she here today? Scoundrels like her don't change overnight. To be more precise, they don't change at all. They just love to stand around the pile of mediocrity that is their life. After some thinking, you come to the conclusion that they are there to mock you. They perfectly know how much you care about being a model student and they want to humiliate you, to equate you to their lowly level. You could bet that the reason why they are laughing so loud right now is that they are making fun of him. You are without a doubt going to raise their debt to the librarby by 400% this afternoon.

"Hey, Berdly" Susie barks.

You snap back to the sad reality of your situation. You turn around and look straight into her eyes.

"Oh Susie, what is it? Do you need me to do your homework for today? Well, I'm always open for this kind of service just for the low fee of 200$. It is a fair price. That is for people with functioning families!"

If it were two weeks ago, you would have never dreamt of one day being able to confront her like this face to face. Lately, however, a rumor is going around that she's lost her touch. You've always hated those who resort to violence against the brilliant logic of words, but just because she doesn't go around beating people anymore doesn't mean that your disdain for her has decreased.

She ignores your masterful mockery of her. Her low mind probably didn't even register that it was meant as an insult "How come you didn't say hi to us this morning? Do you do it just if you've already sat down?"

"Oh I'm sorry," You fake a surprised look "I didn't notice you there. I always think that for someone to be as absent-minded as you two, they have to be physically absent. Please, I beg of you to forgive this old habit of mine!"

"Whatever" The cavewoman turns around and starts conversing with the little freak again.

This little confrontation of words has left you amused, but not satisfied. You still think they haven't paid enough respect to your magnificent intellect. The next hours at school go by in a breeze. You pay a little less attention to class as the usual. You elaborate the ways you could get back at them. After the final bell rings, you get out of school and sit down on a bench, still thinking about the myriad of options you have. It is during these elucidating reflections that you notice the two detestables walking down the crosswalk opposite to you. You see the way they look at each other, how they are having fun together, just how close they are. In another rare display of surprise (that is because you are so knowledgeable that not much can leave an impact on you anymore), you widen your insightful eyes as you make a horrible realization.

Are they lovers?

All the dots connect. That must be the reason why Susie's behavior has changed and why they came so early this morning. The fact that two personalities this opposite to each other could like being together, leaves you perplexed. Your confusion, however, is resolved as a rational explanation comes to mind. Their love isn't one of purity and of rational appreciation of their soul. They just want to fuck.

"Oops" you mutter you yourself. You shouldn't use such bad words, but alas, to describe repugnant people one must use repugnant language. Your mind intellectualizes a malignant yet so righteous sentiment. In anticipation of your master plan, you let out two chuckles. If it is the case that those two primitives are in for it just for the pleasure, you are sure that they will inevitably perform the most heinous acts of public indecency. What you need to do then is to follow them around, to examine all their behavior until, finally, you catch them red-handed and deliver them to justice! ... or blackmail them... either way, you will get your well-deserved revenge. Naturally, you need the right equipment to do the job, but fortunately, you've always been prepared just for the occasion. You open your suitcase (you believe backpacks are indicators of low brain energy) and pull a notebook with a pencil, a camera and binoculars. You close your suitcase. After having flashed a confident grin in the general direction of your victims, you make your move.

You follow them at a distance, making sure to hide behind whatever you find to stay out of their field of vision. You struggle to keep up with their unsophisticated pace. While strutting around you manage to write down what they are doing. Your faculty of pure transcendental reason is able to look through their deceitful happy appearance to discover their ugly intentions.

The first thing your psyche apprehends is the way they are walking side by side. All common minds would not see anything wrong with this, but you are beyond ordinary. Your masterful perception allows you to unmask the most hidden of meanings. It is with that, that you come to the conclusion that Kris and Susie are walking side by side because they want to unconsciously assert to the bystanders that they own the street. You are quite certain that if a granny were to be walking in front of them, they wouldn't just tell her to get out of her way, but they would also thrash her and then toss her aside. Such cruelty brings a smirk of disgust to your otherwise perfect appearance. In your notebook you, you write down their potentially discriminatory behavior towards the elderly. Just for good measure, you draw an illustration depicting the two of them writing on a wall "being old sucks!".

You've just finished your drawing (which would make Michechangelo blush) when you notice that the two of them have stopped in front of a hot dog stand to buy a meal. You yourself are rather hungry, but that can wait. Justice being served is more important than food being served. You hide behind a wall. You adjust your glasses and scrutinize them further. As you expected, Susie, being the hog she is, has already chomped two out of the four hot dogs she had. Kris is still taking small disgusting nibbles. It doesn't take long to figure this one out. You, being as knowledgeable as you are of Fred's theories of the subconscious, almost instantly recognize that their impulse to buy such phallic food is none other than their savage desire to procreate. Previously, You had guessed that you would have to conduct this operation for some time before being able to catch them having an intercourse, but now you are sure that their desires are so uncontrolled that they are going to do it this very day. Oh well, it will be less fun, but also you won't have to waste a lot of time. You're about to draw some very scandalous depictions of what you think will happen when you're interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Umh... Berdly? What are you doing?" Noelle asks

You jump back in disarray and turn around. Her right eyebrow is raised in confusion. You regain your composure.

"Oh, my deepest apologies, Noelle I didn't notice you there." you respectfully bow to her.

You see that she is still quite perplexed, so you try to reassure her by smiling even more. Noelle is one of the few of this town who deserves to be saved by you. Her angelic figure stands out in contrast to the brutal commonplaceness of this plebian town. Sometimes in order to practice your literary skills, you dedicate to her various works of poetry complementing her out of world beauty and rational capabilities. You mentally flinch at the fact that sometimes your idiot classmates abuse her naive willingness to help them out. It is such a cruel fact that she has to waste so much time, while she could instead develop herself further. One day, you will manage to convince her that it is best if intellectuals stick together. You elect to tell her your actions so she may congratulate you on them.

"As for what I'm doing it's quite simple. You see Susie and Kris over there? Do you notice anything strange?"

She looks at the two delinquents. They are now sitting on a bench laughing, probably making dick jokes. Noelle turns back to you.

"Mmhh... no? They just look like friends hanging out with each other."

You snap your fingers. You broadcast your revelation into her cognitive functions.

"That's just a façade. A performance. They are lovers! and they are about to do some scandalous acts of public indecency, I am sure of it!"

Noelle gasps and jumps back. She looks at you as if she has seen a ghost.

"Wait, what!? They are together!?"

"That's right" you add "and I have Literal Tons of scientific evidence to support my claim."

Well, you've only got two pages in your notebook, but the weight of knowledge supersedes actual tons of weight.

Noelle brings her hands over her mouth. She looks pale. Her whole figure is trembling.

"I see that you are afraid Noelle, but don't worry! I'll bring them to justice before you can even–"

"I am sorry Berdly-" Noelle interrupts you "I've got to go!"

With that, she runs off before you can hold her back. You are can hear her sobbing while disappearing into the distance. You stare blankly into the horizon, contemplating if you should perhaps catch up with her. Not long after, however, an inferno of anger blazes inside you. Your whole being is now pure hatred towards Susie and Kris. The behavior of those two has made Noelle cry. Their rudeness has hurt such a perfect person as her. You were already moved by revenge, but now you are determined by a heroic goal. This very day you will be able to return to Noelle and comfort her by saying that you've taken care of those abominations and that they won't hurt her any longer. You look where they are now, fire burning in your eyes. They are entering a small alleyway. You cross the street and press your body against the wall. You peek around the corner. Their pace is slowing down. A malicious grin forms on your face. Your cognizance is aware that this will be the place where they will get it on. You pick your camera out and take a photo of this place in order to later make a comparison to what it will be like after the *cough* *cough* mess they will be doing. As you hear the click of the camera, you notice that you've left the flash on.

"Uhh?" the two of them turn around.

You didn't account for a direct confrontation yet, but it doesn't matter. You heroically pop out of the corner and smugly show them your impeccable grin. Before they get a chance to say anything, you greet them.

"Well well well, if it isn't Kris and Susie, best known for their redeeming qualities"

Your grin widens as you see that their inferior rationality hasn't yet understood the brilliant irony of your sentence.

"NOT!" you complete your exquisite jest and burst out laughing so hard you have to hold yourself together.

"Why are you taking photos of us?" Susie laconically asks.

Normally you would be afraid, to put it gently, of her beating the crap out of you, but you have grown strong enough to bend her will, to transcend this physical dimension where punches can reach you to the abstract world of logic where your thoughts are the word of God.

"Oh, it's nothing really. I've been just going around documenting your dirty dirty secret. I know that you two are lovers"

"Berdly, that's the stupidest thing I've heard all week..." Susie interjects

"Don't try to deny it. I've got all the proof I need. It would be such a shame if I told every one of the shameful public acts you commit. But, I'm  merciful and will turn a blind eye, willing that you provide back certain 'favors' in return."

"... that is if it weren't ABSOLUTELY TRUE."

"I knew it! Wait, what...?"

The two squeeze themselves in the tightest of hugs and french kiss in front of you. This was the moment you were waiting for, but you can't bring yourself to get the camera to record their obscenity. Their sheer disregard for your presence is insulting. Their mouths stay interlocked for what feels like minutes before they loosen their grip and catch a breath of fresh air. Susie looks at you derisively.

"What's wrong? Why aren't you taking photos, uh? I am not going to stop you."

"What you don't mind?" You angrily step forward, "I can destroy you!"

"First of all: you're overreacting. It's just a kiss. Far from a 'shameful public act' if you ask me. Second of all: we don't give a damn about what others think of us. We love each other and that's all that matters. Unlike you Berdly, we don't need any external validation to be happy."

This last statement makes your honorable blood boil. Your muscles become tense and your eyes build up tears. You grind your teeth in preparation of something to say, but you can't. Some unknown weight is preventing you from forming any coherent argument.

"What? You're not going to say anything? Well, I'm not going to wait around. Come on Kris! We've got better things to do."

They turn their backs to you and walk away. The fact that they disregard you so much that they decided to ignore you even after you threatened them, makes you seriously start considering to hurl your camera at them, but your hand won't move. You feel exhausted as if a demon has teared up your guts.

When they are about the exit your line of sight you manage to blurt out "Damn you!" before running away.

During the way home, you cover your face with your arm. You cannot muster your famous smile. You don't want to let others see your moment of weakness. After opening the front door, you head immediately to your room. You shut down the curtains and lay on your bed. You are sobbing. You cannot understand what went wrong, why you couldn't intimidate them. You feel as if you would tear everything apart if you were just a bit stronger. You're going to get your revenge. Their life will be a living hell from now on. And you will do this by...... you'll think of something later. Right now you are crying too much to form coherent thoughts. You embrace the bed sheets tighter as you prepare to pass this long sad day all alone in your room.