Abscissa: Well, Shepard, I made it... despite your directions.
Shepard: Ah, SuperIntelligent Abscissa! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable conversation!
Abscissa: Uhh...
Shepard: [gasp] Oh egads, my topic is ruined! But what if... I were to purchase nazi ideology and disguise it as my own philosophy? [to himself] Oh ho ho ho ho... delightfully devilish, Shepard!
Abscissa: Uh-

[cue song]
Shepard with his crazy explanations,
The Moderators gonna need their medication,
When he hears Shepard's lame exaggerations,
There'll be trouble in town tonight!
[end of song]

Abscissa: Shepard!
Shepard: Absi, I was just, uh... just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?
Abscissa: Why is there smoke coming out of your brain case, Shepard?
Shepard: Uhh... no! That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the intelligent conversation we're having! Mmm... intelligent conversation! [beat] Ooh...
[a few moments later]
Shepard: Abbo, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering crime statistics!
Abscissa: I thought we were having intelligent conversation.
Shepard: D'oh, no. I said intelligence conversion! That's what I call crime statistics!
Abscissa: You call crime statistics "intelligence conversion?"
Shepard: Yes. It's a regional dialect!
Abscissa: Uh-huh... uh, what region?
Shepard: Uhh... upstate /mlpol/?
Abscissa: Really? Well, I'm from /lgbt/, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "intelligence conversion."
Shepard: Oh, not in /lgbt/, no. It's an /pol/ expression.
Abscissa: I see. [beat] You know, these crime statistics are quite similar to the ones they have at UCR Crime Statistics.
Shepard: Oh ho ho ho... no, patented Shepard crime statistics. Old family recipe.
Abscissa: For intelligence conversion?
Shepard: Yes.
Abscissa: Yeah, so you call them "intelligence conversion" despite the fact they are obviously retarded.
Shepard: Ye- hey- you know, the- one thing I should- excuse me for one second.
Abscissa: Of course.
Shepard: [YAWN] Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, I'm pooped.
Abscissa: Yes, I should be- Good Lord, what is happening in there!?
Shepard: Aurora borealis?
Abscissa: Uh- aurora borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?
Shepard: Yes!
Abscissa: May I see it?
Shepard: No.
Shepard's Mother: Shepard, the house is on fire!
Shepard: No, Holly—it's just the northern lights!
Abscissa: Well, Shepard, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you bend a good statistic.
Shepard's Mother: Help! Help!