Uh-hmmm

Cold Edge Anon Part 1

Apr 21st, 2014
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  1. > You get deathnoted right before the incest lesbian was going to rise like the break of dawn.
  2. > Hisao eat your heart out.
  3. > Wake up in a field of white.
  4. > Slowly realise the sky is a little grayer, tons of snow falling down around you, almost no wind.
  5. > Get to your hooves and-
  6. > Look at your hooves blankly for three minutes.
  7. > Blue with black markings that look like stylized claws.
  8. "Wat."
  9. > Wish there was a mirror so you could see what the-
  10. > Ice mirror coalesces out of the snow.
  11. > Convenient.
  12. > You are a blue unicorn with black tiger stripes and markings around hooves and face to suggest teeth and claws.
  13. > All you need is wings to be a terrible, edgy furfag.
  14. > Wait for it...
  15. > Okay, good, no wings.
  16. > You try to figure out if you are Frozone or Arthas.
  17. > Channeling imaginary powers through horn, try making ice stairs.
  18. "Making a stairway to heaven, awww yeaaahhhh"
  19. > Trot up your stairs, make a podium.
  20. > Look around, just a lot more snow.
  21. > Next magic trick: Undead army
  22. > The light from your horn enters your vision, blue black and white layers wiggling around.
  23. > The field of snow suddenly bursts with ice tigers. You stumble back a bit, which is dangerous on a platform of ice.
  24. > Recover, and watch your big cats.
  25. > General sniffing, wandering around, licking themselves, laying down, etc. Cat things.
  26. "Uh,"
  27. > All their heads turn to you.
  28. "Sup."
  29. > Still the center of attention.
  30. "You can go back to what you were doing."
  31. > And back to feline indifference. Good.
  32. > Part of the snowstorm darkens, then the snow under it turns a sooty grey.
  33. > Out bursts a black unicorn in armor, wait you know this guy!
  34. "King Sombrero!"
  35. > The king growls,
  36. "My name is Sombra! Who dares enter the lands of the Crystal Kingdom and raises their hoof in war?"
  37. >Wait, wasn't this guy banished or whatever?
  38. "Wait, weren't you banished or whatever?"
  39. >Sombra keeps it together for about five seconds, then he's bawling on your shoulder.
  40. > You awkwardly pat the guy's back. He starts blubbering about crystals, slaves, how glorious it would have been, etc.
  41. > All of your ice cats are averting their eyes, trying to limit the second hand embarrassment.
  42. > time for a pep talk
  43. "Sombrero,"
  44. "Sombra"
  45. "Right, sorry, Samba, you can make crystals by yourself, right?"
  46. > Slobro had removed himself from your shoulder, and nods in response to your question.
  47. "Then why not make your own crystal kingdom, with blackjack and hookers?"
  48. >Sombra frowns.
  49. "What manner of monster be these blackjacks and hookers? Are perhaps blackjacks comely and obedient?"
  50. > Eh, roll with it.
  51. "No, blackjack is a cursed game, wherein the victims wager that the cards shall turn in their favor, but it is more off that the cards spell misfortune."
  52. > You have the habit of falling into the speech patterns of those you talk to. This is unfortunate when they have an accent and think you are mocking them.
  53. "And lo, it is the hookers who art comely, and of brazen glances, yea, many a stallion and colt hath fallen under their beguilement, and forever after paid for the pleasure of their company."
  54. >Sombra's face says: Not sure if want
  55. "Even he who rules over such temptresses?"
  56. > You shrug, however that works with ponies.
  57. "Even so, should he lack self mastery."
  58. >Samebro slowly shakes his head.
  59. "I shall take heed to thy counsel, but wisdom dictates I eschew the comely and curséd, for I shall not be ruled by my subjects."
  60. > With that, he turns and goes a way off into the storm, and stops when he is on the edge of visibility.
  61. > A flare of black, and obsidian crystals abruptly jut from the ground, growing and branching into city walls, gates, and spindly and spiked towers and halls.
  62. > The citadel shudders to a stop, immense and foreboding.
  63. > You trot through the open gate, finding Zoomba panting heavily atop the tower of the keep.
  64. "Welcome my cousin, to the Kingdom of the Shard!"
  65. > Okay, not much of a kingdom yet, but whatever. You call back, saying,
  66. "Very impressive, but do you not fear the discovery of such an edifice?"
  67. > Bonzo grins winsomely.
  68. "Mayhap ye could provide a shield of snow, by which all beneath seemeth naught but the fields which do compass this stronghold? I would offer thy choice of habitation therein, as well as a share of my increase."
  69. > Eh, why not. Assuming, of course, that you can.
  70. > You trot up to the keep's tower, and gaze out upon the prickly rooftops of the city.
  71. > Note to self: do not fall.
  72. > You focus your wishy powers and the snow around the city swirls up and blocks out the sky in a solid dome of white. Enough light filters through that is only seems very overcast in the city.
  73. > You start picking out a tower near the edge of the city when Discord flies through your newly made camouflage.
  74. >What now?
  75. "What now?
  76. >Discord curls around himself in the sky, grinning like a thing that he is.
  77. "Another visitor to this happy little plane, how nice! Please leave the megalomania at the portal, I am the only one licensed to be absurdly powerful and equally full of himself."
  78. > Sombrero recovers somewhat, and was watching the goat lizard with wariness and resentment.
  79. > You make an ice hand, and shake his claw politely.
  80. "Nice to meet you, I am, uh, hmmm."
  81. >Did not think this through.
  82. > Meanwhile Discord is peering closely at the hand, and mutters,
  83. "Haven't seen one of these in eons..."
  84. > He shakes his head, then gets back to grinning, now showing much more interest.
  85. "Interesting name Uh'hmmm, tell me, what is your purpose in port Royal?"
  86. > You shrug.
  87. "Living, for the most part. I take it you are the emigration office?"
  88. "Oh no, I am merely observing, plotting, planning, potting, and panning. Speaking of which, do you have any?"
  89. "Sorry, I am fresh out of pans, pots, plans, and the only plot I have is my backside."
  90. > Discord squints at you, then shrugs.
  91. "Even so, I am afraid I must convey you and your friend to Celly. New kingdoms, diplomatic susceptibility, that sort of thing."
  92. > Space went wonky, and then you find yourself standing in a dim room, inside of a magic circle of some sort.
  93. > You look up and find the Royal Sisters gazing at you with carefully blank expressions.
  94. "Uh, hi."
  95. > Simba stamps his hoof petulantly, reminding you oddly of yellowquiet.
  96. "Wherefore is my crime, that I am summoned thus? Or doth the Scion of Chaos speak soothe, that ye do now recognize my sovereignty o'er the Kingdom of the Shard?"
  97. > Luna replies,
  98. "Such is the purpose of this audience, to discern the intent of thy soul, and bring to pass the appointed judgment. Know we well what villainy thou hast wrought heretofore, yet mercy and reformation doth seem pervasive in this era.
  99. Howbeit that thou may provide a vouchsafe for thy conduct, for it falleth upon thee to choose the cord which must bind thee to right-doing?"
  100. > Gotta help a bro out.
  101. "For what it is worth, your Majesties, he has already barred hookers and blackjack from his kingdom."
  102. > Celestia snickered into her hoof. Luna frowned, then held a whispered conference with her sister.
  103. > Luna coughed, a blush almost invisible in the dim light.
  104. " Be that as it may, rather more is needful. Ye who he calls cousin, dost thou volunteer as sentinel?"
  105. > You look at Sombro, his red eyes pleading with you.
  106. > No seriously, he is giving you a puppy dog look and he is a villian and this show is weirdly forgiving with character design and wait
  107. > Celestia knows about hookers. That is, hookers exist. In ponyland.
  108. >Your mind struggles to reconcile the two images, and comes up with Pinkie Pie in that dress from the cowboys and Indians episode.
  109. > Still conflicted, you turn back to Luna and nod. Say what you like about Zombrero, but his kingdom is pretty fly.
  110. > Luna flares out her wings.
  111. "Prepare thyself, for now I visit thy dreaming mind, to know ye more fulsomely."
  112. > Wait, what?
  113. > Imagining Pinkie Pie as a hooker was probably the worst thing to do right before the moon princess invades your mind.
  114. > Well, probably not, but you are trying not to think of the other possibilities.
  115. > You dream you are in your old room, and as a human too. Not too surprising, at least not to you.
  116. > Luna, on the other hand, is slack jawed.
  117. > You wave cheerily.
  118. > Luna closes her mouth, then leaves the room. You follow her, because of reasons and plot.
  119. > Outside, it is a labyrinth of a library, with books and screens and radios jam packed in the shelves, with Little Debbie type snacks tucked into the left over space.
  120. > Luna browses at random, licking the occasional book.
  121. > What.
  122. > Out of the corner of your eye, you glimpse movement, and with the certainty of dream knowledge, it's pink, purple, and wearing fishnets.
  123. > Luna delves deeper into the shelves, the contents of the shelves gradually turning pinker the farther she goes.
  124. > She stops at a wide screen TV playing, you guessed it, every episode of mlpfim at once.
  125. > Luna taps the screen, and the episodes slide away, revealing your waifu in all her glory.
  126. > There is not enough spaghetti in the world.
  127. > Pinkie dream projection Pie chooses this moment to sidle up to Luna and seductively say,
  128. "You gotta shaaaare."
  129. > Pinkie gets up on her hind legs and cups Luna's face in her hooves.
  130. "You gotta caaaare."
  131. > The dream ends right there and then.
  132.  
  133. > You are blushing.
  134. > Luna is blushing and scowling.
  135. > Celestia is still amused.
  136. > Sombra owes you a lot of pasta.
  137. > Luna coughs.
  138. "Probationary King Sombra, thy companion shall be as the voice of Law in thy realm, even unto thee. Nevertheless, take heed that ye do not seek counsel in thy courting from him, for his mind is given to perversities and foolishness in such matters."
  139. > Ouch.
  140. > Mumra nods, a little bewildered, but happy.
  141. > We appear once more upon the highest tower in the Kingdom of the Shard.
  142. > Discord chuckles.
  143. "My my, what an interesting judgment. I guess that leaves me as his romantic advisor~."
  144. "Oh heck no. Sombra, trust me on this, keep doing your celibate monk king thing, it's really working out for you."
  145. > Sombra frowns.
  146. "As much as I would yield to thy counsel, I have been charged to give it no heed. Alas, as Princess Luna hath great insight as to thy aptitudes, I must conclude that I pursue courtship with ardor, for that be the antithesis of thy word."
  147. > Oh no. Can I save this?
  148. "Here's some more advice: Do not stalk the object of your affection. Be forthright in thy courtship."
  149. > Sombra smiled condescendingly.
  150. "I must applaud thy cunning, but this ruse shall not be as a stumbling stone before me. Upon hearing my conviction to disregard thy romantic promptings, ye did conspire within thy heart to cause me to do that which is opposite to thy counsel. Know ye that I shall be forthright, for it seemeth to me good to do so, and the condemnation of the perverse is but the wisdom of the prudent."
  151. > Success!
  152. > Discord glances at you, and you get the sense that this is the last plan of yours that will ever work out well.
  153. > Sombino turns to Discord, weird kouhai sparkles in his eyes.
  154. "Should it please thee, Unrest's Eye, i would that ye instruct me in the place and manner of proper courtship, yea, as well as what to what habitation shouldst I go to pursue the most eligible of damsels."
  155. > oh dear.
  156. > Discord grins.
  157. "Why I would like nothing more. Come with me, I happen to know a very eligible mare..."
  158. > Space goes willy and we are in a dark cave. As your eyes adjust, dim green light illuminates nooks and crevices, with black silhouettes flickering by.
  159. > Thus it comes as no surprise when you get buried by drones.
  160. > Though the frantic humping is rather disconcerting.
  161. > The drones skitter away almost as quickly as they piled on. You shakily stand up and see cheesehoof bugbutt glaring at Discord.
  162. "I can still smell the stink of the crowned fools on them! What do you think you are doing?"
  163. > Discord pats Mamba's back.
  164. "Matchmaking, my dear Chryssy. See this powerful unicorn? Is he not fit? He has known no lover's touch for thousands of years, and now the need has been awakened. Will you not taste him?"
  165. > Chrysalis leans down and sniffs at What's Wrong Brah? and hums in indecision.
  166. > Meanwhile, the king is going from wide eyed and frightened to intrigued. He leans forward and kisses her on the lips.
  167. > Bro got moxy
  168. > Chrysalis backs up suddenly, a full green blush on her cheeks. Her eyes narrow.
  169. > You have a hard time prying your eyes off the train wreck, but a drone is edging close to you, and it's making you nervous.
  170. > Chrysalis dives in for the kill and you politely turn away.
  171. > Three drones chirrup at you, trying their darnedest to look cute and what is even with all these cute villains?
  172. > Discord does his best Cheshire cat impression, which is to say, nearly spot on.
  173. "What's the hold up Uh'hmmm? If bugs aren't your thing, I'm sure they can oblige your strange fetishes, even if you are a human."
  174. > The cat is out of the bag repeat the bag has left the cat
  175. "Soooooo.... you know about that, huh?"
  176. > A brave drone is leaning against your side, and it should probably bother you that you kinda like it.
  177. > Discord pets a drone like a bond villain pets a cat that is out of the bag.
  178. "Oh it's not that hard to figure out. You really ought to be more careful with your long distance hoofshakes."
  179. > Another drone is leaning against your other side and you still haven't figured out if and when to freak out about anything.
  180. "Out of curiosity, Uh'hmmm, do you know how reproduction works on this plane? I assure you, there are no genitals involved."
  181. > WHAT.
  182. > 1) You are getting the Talk from Discord
  183. > 2) You check your spelunking equipment, it is not there.
  184. > 3) You do not have spelunking equipment wtf
  185. > 4) Who knows what sex is in this madhouse of a plane
  186. > 5) That somebody is grinning at you and you really shouldn't trust a word he says about reproduction.
  187. > 6) Unless that's what he wants you to think. Likewise, ad infinitum ad nauseum it's turtles all the way down.
  188. > You have two ways of finding out. You can trust what Discord says, or let the drones have their way with you.
  189. > Either way, you are fucked.
  190. > This calls for diplomacy and level headedness
  191. "First things first. Am I having sex with these two right now?"
  192. > Discord taps his chin.
  193. "Shall I tell you? It would be very entertaining to watch you figure it out for yourself."
  194. > You glare at him, then turn to the drone on your right.
  195. "Hey, can we take a break? I need to talk to this guy."
  196. > The drones chirrup sadly, but back off a bit. They settle down nearby, watching you with big pleading eyes.
  197. > You sigh and turn back to Discord.
  198. "Would you please tell me about how it works here? I'd hate to have to tell Fluttershy that you let me accidentally molest somepony."
  199. > Discord raised his eyebrows a foot above his head. Showoff.
  200. "You're really terrible at keeping secrets. Now I know that you know things you can't know about ponies I know. If I was anypony else, I might be suspicious about you."
  201. > Eh, he probably knew it long before. You make a small gambit.
  202. "Just tell me about ponyworld sex, Q."
  203. > For just a moment, Discord looked much less the goofy dragon-goat, and more like a powerful chimera from the dawn of time.
  204. > Then he was back to his old self.
  205. "Oh very well, but let's make it a game.
  206. Of these three, who do you think is the most physically attractive, Big Macintosh, Shining Armor, or Prince Blueblood?"
  207. > Looks like you are amusing enough to survive.
  208. "To your average mare, I'd say Macintosh."
  209. "Oh so close, it's Shining Armor, but only while he's awake. Let's try again, Rarity without her magic, Rainbow Dash with her wings bound, or Applejack?"
  210. > Interesting conditions, combined with the "while awake" proviso on bbbff...
  211. "Applejack. It'd be Rarity with her magic, right?"
  212. > Discord clapped in delight.
  213. "Good guesses both! Now, for the last round, Cadence or an adult dragoness?"
  214. > huh. While the obvious answer would be Cadence, the trick answer is the dragon. But what is the difference between the two, aside from species?
  215. > Shining Armor with magic, Macintosh without...
  216. "It has something to do with physical size, doesn't it? Magic can fake it, wings factor in, it's something about surface area? So the dragoness."
  217. > Discord poofed a blue ribbon into your mane. You pull it forward, but it's pretty firmly attached. It reads,
  218. "#1 Sex Sleuth"
  219. > You turn back to Discord.
  220. "Very funny, now what is it about surface area?"
  221. "Oh, you're nearly there. What did the drones do to you when we first showed up?"
  222. >...
  223. "So sex is rubbing as much of yourself as you can on some pony?"
  224. > You got a gold star on your shoulder. It reads,
  225. "Dragon Fetishist"
  226. > Discord continues,
  227. "Well done again! I must say, most ponies would have picked Cadence, but those with truly open proclivities know that dragons are where it's at."
  228. > Well, you are a human, so ponies, dragons, it's pretty much just as far from normal women.
  229. "So molesting is what exactly?"
  230. "If you must know, rubbing with any part of your torso. But magic does a bit more than fake it, you could get somepony pregnant if you wrapped them up and back and forth. It requires a lot of finesse, but that is what makes Shining Armor so attractive."
  231. >Which means...
  232. "I can't even imagine what it'd be like with Celestia."
  233. > Discord falls back in a tragic pose.
  234. "Alas, it is the dream of every colt and stallion, never to be realized."
  235. > Discord curled up again and grunted.
  236. "Did you know she even turned me down? I, who am her equal, or perhaps greater in such arts, even I was rejected."
  237. > You pat the nearest coil of demigod.
  238. "There there, I am sure there is a mare out there who isn't instantly scared away by your mix and match physiology and sinister reputation."
  239. >Discord smirks and says,
  240. "Thank you, but I believe you will have similar difficulties. It does not do to seem too much the predator when courting ponies."
  241. > Point taken. As the conversation ends, Sombruski trots over, mane tussled and eyes slightly unfocused.
  242. > Chrysalis struts by, her hips swaying. As she passes Discord, she purrs,
  243. "Be sure to bring him around again sometime."
  244. > Discord bows mockingly, and space goes chocolate factory and we are back in the citadel.
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