I want to die.

function mod(x,y){return((x%y)+y)%y;}
var timer={
  reach:.04,
  value:0,
  step:0
};
var kicks=[]
for(var i=0;i<5;i++){
  kicks.push({time:0,value:Math.random()});
}
function dsp(time){
  timer.value+=1/sampleRate;
  if(timer.value>=timer.reach){
    for(var i=0;i<kicks.length;i++){
      if(Math.random()<.5/(1+(mod(timer.step,2)*2)+(mod(timer.step/2,2)*4))){
        kicks[i].value=Math.random();
        kicks[i].time=0;
      }
    }
    timer.value-=timer.reach;
    timer.step++;
  }
  var master=0;
  for(var i=0,kick;i<kicks.length;i++){
    kick=kicks[i];
    kick.time+=1/sampleRate;
    master+=Math.sin(1/((kick.time*.7)+.003))*Math.sin(1/((kick.time*.1)+.002+(kick.value*.01)))*Math.pow(4,-kick.time);
  }
  return master/10;
}