fuckfest

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:34 PM
im just fucking starving so sleep is the best escape and birdie spent $200 on groceries without consulting me on any of them so they're all hers and im just :upside_down:

dezYesterday at 6:34 PM
w h a t
i’m so sorry???????

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:34 PM
🙃

dezYesterday at 6:34 PM
SKFJFJ
None of it is yours??? like None? she literally won’t let you eat it?
ah...grocery issues...

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:35 PM
yyyup
we now owe her mom for the AC unit AND $200 in groceries and i got a Flat of Ramen, 2 cans of Tuna, and like a can of corn nd she's using that as an 'UMM??? I BOUGHT YOU THINGS????'

dezYesterday at 6:35 PM
wow how generous!!! thank you birdie!

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:35 PM
and its like 'i literally cant survive on that and the only reason im eating that right now is because we dont have money for actual groceries'

dezYesterday at 6:35 PM
oh great
she used money you don’t even have
cherry on top of the shit sandwich

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:36 PM
but now! our budget for groceries is spent and i fucking don't get to go buy groceries for myself, i just have to sit here while she eats 10 imes a day on snacks she shouldn't have bought instead of actual Groceries we can make Meals with
so im... sleeping

dezYesterday at 6:36 PM
i understand it’s hard to control impulse purchases and it’s been a struggle for me but that’s like. 20 dollars at a time. and i didn’t throw us into bankruptcy lmao
that is so frustrating??? i’m so sorry
god if sucks when you Just have ramen in the cabinet and you’re like. great i’m not going to enjoy eating for a while

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:37 PM
this is literally the same shit she was doing when we went into bankruptcy but instead of using credit cards she's using our only money

dezYesterday at 6:37 PM
have you talked to her about this?

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:37 PM
yup! she flipped at me!
she's also not going back into treatment rn so like
i need to try and get a hold of her therapist at some point and tell her what's going on because I don't think Birdie tells them everything

dezYesterday at 6:38 PM
you: hello i’d like to eat something besides corn :)
birdie, screaming: WHAT
do you need to wait until birdies out if the house to do that?

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:38 PM
me: we're in a relationship and I'd like to have more input on what we spend our grocery money on
bride: I BOUGHT YOU STUFF!!!????
yeah

dezYesterday at 6:38 PM
definitely do, birdie has a need for validation and praise and she can’t get that if she’s telling her therapist she’s doing badly
she’s 100% lying about how well she’s doing i know fhis because i’ve done this too
man that sucks i’m sorry

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:39 PM
I know she's got to be, there's no way they know all of this

dezYesterday at 6:39 PM
i hope she leaves to hang out somewhere soon so you can do that
sometimes places like that have an email you can reach them through if needed

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:39 PM
yeah, her therapist wont talk to me over e-mail

dezYesterday at 6:39 PM
if they don’t believe you try taking pics of the grocery receipts and stuff
:|
ok.png

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:40 PM
i don't have the receipt, he Mom put it on her credit card

dezYesterday at 6:40 PM
man
this is so frustrating

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:40 PM
it came to $190-something
yeah
im just....
whew

dezYesterday at 6:40 PM
for sure talk to her therapist over the phone and evaluate things after that
is she not going back into treatment because she was assessed as not well enough or?

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:41 PM
she's not going back into treatment because she went in to go talk to them and told them she didn't want treatment

dezYesterday at 6:41 PM
What

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:41 PM
yup!

dezYesterday at 6:41 PM
im literally so angry right now

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:41 PM
and then we had a fight so bad on the drive home that she almost kicked me out of the car 2hrs away from home with no money!

dezYesterday at 6:41 PM
okay cool you don’t want help and you actually just want to burn not only your life but your life to the ground

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:41 PM
so that's fun

dezYesterday at 6:41 PM
(walks backwards off a cliff)
there’s a Big difference between her struggling but WANTING to get better vs

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:42 PM
i'm... very much not ok right now, sorry for dumping on you

dezYesterday at 6:42 PM
not giving a fuck
you’re totally fine

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:42 PM
I told her that

dezYesterday at 6:42 PM
i feel a lot of empathy for you and i just wish i could make it better
i...really want you to be able to transition and heal yourself

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:42 PM
I told her she either has to show me she wants to get better or we have to re-evaluate our relationship because i dont want her disorder ruining my life if she's complacent with ltting it kill her

dezYesterday at 6:42 PM
and start taking steps forward towards your good future
yeah...

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:43 PM
i really, really want to start focusing on myself but i literally can't right now and i feel so trapped

dezYesterday at 6:43 PM
it already wrecked yalls credit and it’s starving you and like
i can feel it ruining your mental health
no matter what decision you make i support you
and if you need to talk i’m here for you

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:43 PM
you've seen my active degradation of my ability to be active and focus on shit, like... its palpable

dezYesterday at 6:44 PM
your life was already pretty bad before then too though, you were always disappearing because of birdie and constantly stressed
and i’ve known you for a WHILE now
i’d say around two? years

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:44 PM
yah, just about

dezYesterday at 6:45 PM
i do think like you said your mental health issues are like 90% environment based

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:45 PM
i still believe they are, yeah

dezYesterday at 6:46 PM
your parents are pretty awful but it seems like your diet drastically improved when you were with just your parents and you weren’t subjected to disordered eating habits or starvation
and your money you get from comms could just go to your basic needs and anything else you might want

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:47 PM
I just... really.... want things to get better, I aspire for Wellness and if Jordan doesn't want to get better, I can't continue to financially support her as she destroys herself

dezYesterday at 6:47 PM
i feel like your life definitely gives you aim and purpose and you seemed adrift when birdie was gone, because you’ve had to build your entire life around her

and i do think if you reevaluate therapy is going to be really beneficial because you’re gonna have to totally rewire yourself into finding good hobbies and different goals
it makes me sad how she treats you. i know she’s ill, but if she doesn’t want to get better she pretty much is saying ‘i don’t mind abusing you’

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:48 PM
^

dezYesterday at 6:48 PM
me and gabby have issues but the moment i said ‘your mental health issues are impacting this relationship’?
she got on meds and pursued treatment
and the moment SHE said that to me i did the same
even now she’s pursuing therapy, something she’s doubted and had bad experiences with, because i made it clear it wasn’t optional
we have outbursts and can be bad to each other because of our illnesses but we never ignore them or remain complacent
and i think that’s important in a relationship
(we aren’t perfect but we’re trying, basically)

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:51 PM
I tried to make it clear it wasn't optional and Birdie tried to kick me out of her car so like
we Don't Have That right now, she just assumes I'm going to be there to love her unconditionally and while I will Love her Unconditionally, I wont be able to live with her and be with her if all she's going to do is slowly kill herself without using the resources she's given to get better.

dezYesterday at 6:52 PM
that’s
eugh
loving someone unconditionally means not hurting them, and enabling them is helping them hurt themselves
at some point there needs to be a line drawn where you stop committing suicide by proxy
and she doesn’t understand that
it’s like the saying of ‘setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm’

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:54 PM
I'm not going to be the Sad Lesbian that dotes on her dying partner
because like... shes only dying because she's killing herself
i get it, disorders suck and they're hard to beat, but if she wanted to beat it she'd be trying harder
she isn't Terminal, she's selfish and lazy and I'm just... I'm getting to the end of my rope

dezYesterday at 6:54 PM
she’s also barring you from getting mental health services or help so like. she’s actively saying that your wellness doesn’t matter or isn’t equally important to hers...
you’re going to have people around you to support you with or without her
to be honest i think you may have more
since you said she has a bad habit of attaching to your friends
yeah. it’d be like if she had cancer and then refused all treatment while making you care for her and also not allowing you to get treatment for your own illness lol

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:56 PM
it's just Bad, and for a while there i was hopeful it could get better, but i don't think it can

dezYesterday at 6:56 PM
when it’s phrased like that (since mental illness is a genuine health issue, just like cancer or liver disease or hyperthyroidism or whatever) it feels more clear
just be careful because she will ‘bounce back’ once an ultimatum is given and will slip back to where she was once she feels secure
relationships are so hard when both partners are mentally ill and ultimatums often cause more problems in the long run since they give someone with no interest in changing an ‘out’

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:57 PM
I'm going to like... really try to talk to her Therapist
when we were fighting last week, I told her that None of her Therapists will talk to me and she said, and I quote:
"You know WHY none of them want to talk to you? Because you're not TRYING to do anything to help yourself!"

and like, wow, that might be true to a point of shes told them im not trying to do anything to help myself because she never asks me how I'm doing, or what I'm doing, and hasn't seen me try to reach out to like 10 different organizations and meet dead ends at every turn, so she's turned her therapists against me as some kind of Worry Machine Who Doesn't Do Anything

dezYesterday at 6:58 PM
what the fuck

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:58 PM
There's a Narrative she's told her therapists and in it, I'm the Villain

dezYesterday at 6:59 PM
that’s so cruel

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:59 PM
so like... yeah, none of them want to talk to me because hey, its SUPER EASY to villainize the Lesbian Couple if you're from a conervtive town that frowns on gay ppl, im very easily painted a the Bad Guy

dezYesterday at 6:59 PM
why would you treat someone you love like that lol

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 6:59 PM
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

dezYesterday at 6:59 PM
you...ARE trying to help yourself.
you can’t help yourself because ALL OF YOUR ENERGY
IS GOING INTO HER
you LITERALLY CANT GO INPATIENT BECAUSE SHELL PUNISH YOU BY ATTEMPTING SUICIDE
????????????????

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:00 PM
Yyyyup!!

dezYesterday at 7:01 PM
honestly i think selling your snake is a step in the right direction...it’s going to be a lot harder to maneuver around all of these issues if there are pets in the house which require attentive care
if she knows the PW to your paypal change that and your email PW and try to secretly save money if you can
you can even like, transfer it to me to keep if you want to though i know that sounds sketch lol
or one of your other friends

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:02 PM
she doesnt, but i dont have energy to draw anymore / taking on commissions is so stressful to me that it takes me 5+ months to complete one piece

dezYesterday at 7:03 PM
that will improve with time. a lot of that is bc of this shit
and also you taking comms thatmake you unhappy :(
but the pets are a good place to start, and maybe feeling around and considering places she could stay so it’s not a thing about guilt or where she can go

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:04 PM
she doesn't super have anywhere else to stay, basically she can move back in w her mom and Kaiya (her little sister) has a severe eating disorder now, too, so like...
i dont know man, it all sucks
i don't want to push Jordan away and just have her end up killing herself, I'll feel so much guilt over that
but i dont know how much longer i can continue the way its going

dezYesterday at 7:04 PM
would her mom let her buy groceries and binge constantly? maybe it would be neutral or better, i’m not sure
you are not responsible for what she does to herself, she is. i understand that feeling though and know it doesn’t work like that

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:05 PM
yes, her mom would
and she'd jsut eat all of her mom's groceries, like she does any time we're over there

dezYesterday at 7:05 PM
it sounds like nothing would change at this point
she needs some sort of healthy direction like school

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:06 PM
ive been trying to get her to go back to work and she keeps putting it off, she's supposed to go to school in the fall but that's going to be more of a money sink
we have no money saved anywhere, we can't
like we're so fucked, in so many different ways

dezYesterday at 7:06 PM
would her mom financially support her if she lived with her?

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:06 PM
nope!

dezYesterday at 7:07 PM
there’s only so much she can complain about if she’s in a hole she dug herself, regarding 0 savings, not working, high grocery bills, etc
birdie needs to get a job (which sounds really fucking mean to say like that but) and try to learn who she is as an individual in stead of who she is in relation to people
independence would do so much for her

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:07 PM
like... half of what we get per month should be mine, to do with what I need to do with, and im lucky if i get like $40 for pizza

dezYesterday at 7:08 PM
your partner is supposed to enrich your life

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:08 PM
Independance, and learning to take care of herself, would be a godsend and it's integral but she wont do it
any time she's given independance she uses it to kill herself so like???

dezYesterday at 7:08 PM
i think she knows there are still people around in that situation that would rush to her aid

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:08 PM
most ppl with BPD as severe as she has it don't live past 33 so like

dezYesterday at 7:09 PM
you can’t babysit her 24/7 and be hurt the entire time

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:09 PM
i know that
i don't like the alternative more than i dont like my situation, though, and that's the problem

dezYesterday at 7:09 PM
some people really do just need to hit ‘rock bottom’ or be forced to take care of themselves
this sounds so unlivable, i’m genuinely sorry

JaqueRabbitYesterday at 7:10 PM
she literally had to be rushed to the hospital for swallowing pills and sit in the ICU for 2 days
she's scraping rock bottom and doesn't want back up
i'm sorry, i just...
I only have two ways to Unfuck my life and that's either:
Jordan goes back into treatment and takes her own Health into her own hands while relying on all of her other Supports while I deal with myself
or
Jordan moves out and continues doing whatever it is she's doing and I have to pick up the shards of whatever's left and try to make something of it once she's gone
because the third option of just staying the course is going to kill us both

dezYesterday at 7:12 PM
you are a person apart from her and she can only get worse in this situation.
yes.
you will grow your own life and you will find happiness, and yes, there are plenty of people out there that can and will love you. i know it’s scary because you’ve been with her not only your entire adult life but before, she’s a constant and makes up your entire life experience
you’re going to have to grow around that hole the same way she’s going to have to learn how to be a person alone, and not just someone who exists in a relationship
i know things can get better for both of you
i’m really sorry i wish i could be there and help :(