Now Everybody Ska

I’m pretty new to doing stand up comedy, well actually, that’s not entirely true, because I used to play trombone in a ska band…and that’s basically the same thing. I was standing…people were laughing.

I like to tell people that I used to be in a punk band, usually right after they ask what I do for a living because I don’t feel worldly enough when I tell them “I work in a warehouse.” I then try to avoid answering what instrument I played because “trombone” doesn’t exactly conjure up the cool, punk guy image I hope to convey to the general public. We were not the coolest band in the world. For example, not once did anybody ever offer me cocaine at a show. I mean, sure, a thermos or two filled with dubious liquids, but never cocaine. I was never that cool, I guess.

I don’t even know if I like going to punk shows anymore. For one, I hate mosh pits. I bet the first time someone tried to start up a mosh pit, everyone was just like, “ow. Hey, what the fuck? Cut it out dude. Come on.” I was never good at mosh pits anyway. I tried to start one myself once and they just threw me out of the bank. I was just angry about an overdraft fee that I found to be pretty “hardcore,” and I felt like that thought was best expressed through interpretive dance. If they don’t want people moshing in their bank maybe they should put “No Moshing” signs up on the walls. It’s that simple, bank. It’s not punk rocket science.

I was at a punk show once and there weren’t many people there, shocker, and I watched as this old punk guy tried initiating a mosh pit, only to have absolutely nobody else join in. It was almost heart crushing to watch. The interesting thing was that this didn’t seem to discourage him whatsoever. He just continued moshing on his own; running around hitting himself and pretending to ricochet off of people who weren’t there anymore because the other 4 people at the show decided to make ample space for this atrocity.

Now completely alone on the floor, this old punk guy was solo moshing like there was no tomorrow. There was something so shockingly beautiful about it too, but then suddenly I realized that his movements were tracing a virtual pentagram across the dance floor, and not longer after, his body started levitating several feet from the ground. Then the air was filled with fiery Latin letters and clouds of smoke and suddenly a giant head exploded out from the floor like Jaws from the movie “Jaws,” but somehow even Jawsier, and in one swift motion swallowed the punk guy whole and vomited up fire. Then the giant head turned its gaze upon me and all of my suspicions were confirmed as I saw that it was the head of Danzig from The Misifits…of course. I mean, who else would it have been? Needless to say, I got the hell out of there, and that’s why I hardly ever go to shows anymore.