Thread 21: Stories 106-120

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>PJ
"SS"
-Driver 1-
~Driver 2~
*Cheerilee*
%Town Guard%

>Imagine this pine cone is a bomb.

"Uh... what?"

>I'm holding, let's say, a grenade or a stick of dynamite or even just a throwing knife. I'm winding up to throw it at you. What are you going to do?

"Uh... shoot it out of the air and make it explode harmlessly between the two of us?"

>That's what Spike would do.

"Blow it up with an even bigger bomb?"

>That's Tiara's preferred method, but I'm not sure you can manage that.

"Let it explode harmlessly against me and retort with a witty one-liner?"

>That's 42. What would you do?

"Uhhhh... throw up a magical sheild?"

>That's what... er... oh, Shining Armor! That's what he'd do. How about YOU though?

"Umm... let one of my less valuable minions take the damage for me?"

POK!

"Ow!"

>No, what you're going to do is learn the essentials of not getting hit. Because you're not indestructible or ruthless or crazily accurate or super-magical. Sometimes, being none of those things can be valuable. So... you ready?

POK!

"OW! Quit it, I wasn't ready!"

>If you can dodge a pine cone, you can dodge a bomb!

POK!

~~~~~

"Wait, I have to wear a BLINDFOLD?! No, there's no way, I..."

>Mmmph mph cmf dmm tmmhmf, mmph mph dmpf mm bmf!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaa!"

-HEY WATCH IT Y'CRAZY FILLY!-

~Whats is yous tryin's ta do's, gets yous-selfs runs overed?!~

"AAAAAAAAAAAA"

~~~~~

*Now class, if you open to page 47, we're going to be reading about the History of the Wonderbolts, as examined through Zebra tribal chants!*

But on Silver Spoon's page, in yellow highlighter, she found a message scribbled:

>IF YOU CAN DODGE RESPONSIBILITY, YOU CAN DODGE A BOMB!

*Now... Let's read out loud! Silver Spoon, could you, er... where did she go? She didn't ask to go to the little fillies' room...*


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>Applejack
"Blueblood"
'Arana'
[Spike]
{Celestia}
~SA~
-Rarity-
*???*
#???#
~~~

>Blueblood! Phew, ya' had us worried there... any chance ya' had ta' hurt that idiot?

"If by hurt you mean 'was easily defeated by', then yes. Yes I did."

>Well, that little feller seems alright, how'd ya' get 'er ta' back off?

"I didn't. Her... "Handler" did."

>...Does he just have a freakin' sixth sense about that gal or somethin'?

"I do not know. All I know is that she needs to be locked up in the dungeon for that little episode. That was completely unjustified-"

'Um...'

>Good lord she speaks!

'I-it... I know why she did that...'

[Well don't keep us in suspense!]

'...I know that Queen. Well, not her name, but... I know HER... my hive and hers, uh... didn't get along.'

>Ya' don't say.

'Hey! But it's all HER hives fault! My Queen didn't peel the chitin of anyone unless they got too close to the border of her territory! And it's not HER fault they didn't keep up with when the territory moved! And she only ate a few! It's not like she ate the whole hive! And nobody even liked Aphidoidea! Nobody missed her when she was gone! My Queen was totally unfairly picked on because she looked scary! They just used that as an excuse to single us out! Titania killed Queens too, and nobody hated her!... Except that Queen, actually... see! She's just a jerk!'

{...I'm sorry, did you say, 'peeled off chitin'?}

'Yes?'

[As in... she ripped off their skin?]

'Well, yeah? How else do you get to the squishy parts? The chitin got stuck in her teeth, and she kept accidentally biting down when she asked someone to go get it.'

>...
"..."
[...]
{...}
'...It was an accident! All fifteen times!'

~SPIKE!~

[WHOA! Hey, Shiny!]

~Ahhh! Missed you little bro! Have fun with your trip?~

[...]

~Point taken. Now, would someone like to clue me in on what the hell is going on? Chrysalis almost set that hallway on fire.~

{The why's are becoming more clear...}


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~Oh, yeah, Arana? She is... kind of scared of you. Really, really scared. Soooo... I'd avoid that hive in the ballroom for... a while.~

'GASP! There's a hive left!? A whole hive!?'

~..."Whole" might be a strong word. What is 'whole' to you?~

'Oh... Well, my hive only had about thirty at any given time at it's max. Less than that?'

~Actually, about... seventy? Somewhere in there.~

'S-SEVENTY!? Seventy whole Changelings!? Ohmygosh!...But my Queen said they were all dead! She said the hives were gone!'

~...Well, they're not.~

'...Oh, but they're her hive... the hive that hates us...'

>Hey, don't worry sug', we'll see what we can do.

'R-really? Can... can I stay up here?'

-Oh darling of course you can!-

'Good!... Cause I think you guys killed all the things that ate the other things that tried to eat me.'

>Ah'd say so.

~Uh, by the way, Spike, Applejack and Celestia? We need to have a... talk, about our new friend here. Backstory talk.~

{I figured.}

~Great, and now that that's settled... FUCK!~

{What!?}

~I TOTALLY FORGOT!~

~~~~~~

#Oh mah gawwwwwsh, your hair is just, just they worst marefriend! You need to MOISTUREIIIIIIIIIZZZZE!#

*P-please let me go*

#Oh honey we've barely even started! Now, do you like plippy pink, or PREPPY pink?#

*They look the same...*

#Oh mah gaaawwwwsh! You don't know a thing about fashion!#

~~~~~~~~~~
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>SA
"Cadence"
'Twilight'
~~

>So... can you help her?

"..."

'Oh mah GAWWWWWWD! Caddy your hair is just to DIEEEEEEE for! Ohhh look at all of that volume! Marefriend you need to share you tips, I just cannot do a single thing with my ratty old thing! How am I supposed to get the hunky boys to notice me if I have ratty hair!?'

"...I... I don't get it. What's wrong with her?"

>...Are you serious?

'MMMM-MM! Do you see this fine Flash Sentry poster I've got up? Steeeamy!

"...Okay, am I the only one that notices he looks like you?"

>...I don't see it?

"No, seriously, paint him white and give him a horn. Boom. Shiny."

>I think you're seeing things.

'Ooooh, do you think it's too early to build a cri-'

*WONG!*

"..."

>...Couldn't take another minute of that.

"...OHHH! I get the problem now! She's moving her hair to the LEFT side!... Oh no! The Sparklejoule research, it must have driven her mad!"

>...That can happen?

"You don't understand, Shiny! Sparklejoule's are an unstable thing, to peer into them with an eye for solid stable math is to peer into an ocean and expect to find air!"

>...The oceans are oxygenated, that's how fish brea-

"DON'T GIVE ME YOUR VOODOO WITCHCRAFT! We are talking science, Shiny!"

>That sounded kind of racist-

"Come! We must turn Twilight back to normal!"

>Oh, good, we have a plan?

"NO!"

>...So...

"ONWARD!"

>That's a closet.

"I KNEW THAT!"
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>Blueblood
"Spike"
~~

>So... what is to happen now? I helped you on your little excursion, but I'm under no delusion this means I'm to be set free.

"Well... no. Of course not. We can't just jump right to 'free' because you helped me out. BUT... Celestia and Applejack both agree that letting you rot alone in that prison cell sealed away from the world isn't an option anymore. So we're moving you to a new location. One with a bit more legroom. You'll be able to get some actual time out in the sun now, you'll be able to have some access to more than a few books, even full visitation with your parents. You're not a caged animal anymore, just... someone who did something really horrible, and we need to watch.

"...I suppose it's more than could ever be expected, considering."

Gently, the lavender claw patted him on the shoulder.

>Hang in there. This was a big step, a BIG step, and it's not like we're against reforming villains, eh? We're getting there, just takes some more time, alright?

"...Spike, I know this is a bad time to be asking for favors, but..."

>Shoot.

"...Could you bring up Flim and Flam with me? I feel like... it's mostly my fault they are down there at all. I convinced them to turn against their country and to build my army, they're mostly harmless buffoons. "

>They made their own choices.

"Yes... but they did not make them alone."

>I'll... see what I can do.

"Thank you, Spike. I am very appreciative."

>Good to hear. Anything else?

"Yes. Do watch Arana for me. She's all alone out here, and nobody knows how to deal with her or what she's really capable of. She could use a friend."

>Blueblood, let's just say, I know the feeling.

"You'll keep visiting, right?"

>Yeah. Of course.

"Good. You're pretty much the only reason I'm not totally lost with what's going on."

>Well, hey. Soon enough... you'll be able to see it firsthoof.

"..."

>Take care, Blueblood.

"You too... friend."
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>Spike
"Blueblood"
~~

"So... what is to happen now? I helped you on your little excursion, but I'm under no delusion this means I'm to be set free."

>Well... no. Of course not. We can't just jump right to 'free' because you helped me out. BUT... Celestia and Applejack both agree that letting you rot alone in that prison cell sealed away from the world isn't an option anymore. So we're moving you to a new location. One with a bit more legroom. You'll be able to get some actual time out in the sun now, you'll be able to have some access to more than a few books, even full visitation with your parents. You're not a caged animal anymore, just... someone who did something really horrible, and we need to watch.

"...I suppose it's more than could ever be expected, considering."

Gently, the lavender claw patted him on the shoulder.

>Hang in there. This was a big step, a BIG step, and it's not like we're against reforming villains, eh? We're getting there, just takes some more time, alright?

"...Spike, I know this is a bad time to be asking for favors, but..."

>Shoot.

"...Could you bring up Flim and Flam with me? I feel like... it's mostly my fault they are down there at all. I convinced them to turn against their country and to build my army, they're mostly harmless buffoons. "

>They made their own choices.

"Yes... but they did not make them alone."

>I'll... see what I can do.

"Thank you, Spike. I am very appreciative."

>Good to hear. Anything else?

"Yes. Do watch Arana for me. She's all alone out here, and nobody knows how to deal with her or what she's really capable of. She could use a friend."

>Blueblood, let's just say, I know the feeling.

"You'll keep visiting, right?"

>Yeah. Of course.

"Good. You're pretty much the only reason I'm not totally lost with what's going on."

>Well, hey. Soon enough... you'll be able to see it firsthoof.

"..."

>Take care, Blueblood.

"You too... friend."
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>Spike
"Arana"
_______

>Gah... and what to do with you....

"Who?"

>You.

"The one who stole me will take me! I know how this goes, yeah, because my queen did it all the time. Whatever she took became hers: creatures, flesh, organs, whatever! That big guy took me so I'm his now."

>First of all, there's so much wrong with what you just said I'll need a fortnight to set you straight. Second, Blueblood can't take care of you.

"Why... not?"

>...Wow, looking back on it, didn't see myself having to say this. Damn.

"What? Say what? Where is he?"

>He's, uh... he's on a journey to find himself....

"What is this journey? I should go with him, I can eat his enemies!"

>Sure you can, but this isn't a group journey, Ara'. He has to do this alone.

"..."

>Something wrong?

"Yeah. You're a terrible liar...."

>What're you-

"He's doing the same thing my queen did. She said she'd be right back, that's what she said. She looked me right in the eyes, just like how you're doing, and told me she would be back 'soon'. Soon came and went and she never came back."

Spike watched as four of her eight legs moved, seemingly without any conscious effort on her part, and pulled out some needles in the first two and a ball of yarn in the other two.

>Ara', he'll be back, I promise.

"She said the same... exact... thing. I don't like promises. They always break around me...."

>I... what're you doing there, with the yarn?


"I'm knitting my taker a hat bomb to take with him on this... journey. It'll... it'll keep him warm and blow up whatever tries to stop him from coming back e-even though they never work...."

>...

"D-don't look at me like that, I can still eat you, too!"

Spike lifted his gaze a few inches to take in the sight of her knitting prowess. Huh. He didn't know techniques of the craft from adam but felt sure that if he was surprised, then Rarity would be downright flummoxed.

>That's a nice hat you've got going.

"..."

>So I guess in Blueblood's absence, I'll take care of you. I am one of your surrogate takers, after all. Me, Rars, and Rekulk.

"Can I eat them, too?"

>You can try, I suppose.

"...I feel a little better."

>Good. Welcome to your second hive, Ara'.

"Hold on, hold on, let me get my notebook."

>Why?

"My previous hive devoured one another on a regular basis so I need to know who I'm going after so I don't get eaten first."

>...we have got a ton of rewiring to do with you, I see.

"Found it. Now then, how do I take down the purple-maned one? Do I tickle the leg or the neck? I tried the belly and nothing happened."

>This is surprisingly cute and disturbing at the same time, and that terrifies me.
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highly canon-debatable
~~~
"Fuck you. Fuck you! FUCK YOU!"

Each obscenity was punctuated with another magnum report, a deafening blast that wrong through the Fawntine Warehouse that was long abandoned by all but a few occupants.

"Quite a mouth you got on you. That gun's one of ours, isn't it? How many more shots can he possibly have on him?" The dodging guard muttered into an integrated commlink.

A bored drawl was his reply "Not that many, to be honest. He's only got a belt of pouches, they all look empty. Stop moving so much, I'm getting motion sickness."

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO?!" Fizzle screamed and ran into melee. "You should be paying attention to me!"

"Flash?"

"Yeah, boss?"

"Bring him in alive. A dragon might be useful."

With enhanced cybernetic reflexes and integrated subdermal protective weaves, the former guard easily deflected the clumsy attack, revved up his chainsaw and slammed it through the dragon's shooting arm. Shock quickly took him and Fizzle was out cold, bleeding out on the warehouse floor.

"Dammit, I said 'take him alive'!" Pennydrop shouted in fury.

Flashy Sentry just shrugged. "Then get a same ambulance for him and a waambulance for yourself. He's still got at least a good five minutes before her bleeds."

"Ugh... You dumbass-"

"I said... Who the fuck are you talking to? I'm you're opponent!" Fizzle roared as he slowly pulled himself up and then grabbed his gun in his other hand.

"Flash, put me on visual."

The Fawntine CEO projected herself now as a holographic image between Flash Sentry and Fizzle.

"The hell?" Fizzle's rage subsided, and much to the shock of both ponies, his bleeding was seemingly lessening quite a bit.

Recomposing herself, Pennydrop put on her game face and smiled. "Mister... Dragon, for now."

"It's Fizzle."

"Right, well it seems my agent here simply had you outmatched. So I have an offer: work for me, in secret of course, and I can get you the best weapons money can buy. And golden bits, of course, for your horde."

Fizzle paused and looked through the hologram to the cybernetically enhanced stallion in front of him. "What he's got? That fall under weapons too?"

Pennydrop just smiled. "Of course."
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>Chitania
"Various Orphans"
~~~~~

>...Is it egocentric to read a paper solely to see if you get a mention in it?... Yes. Yes it is....PFTTTHAHAHAHAHAH!

"Miss?"

>Fuck off, I'm laughing with mirth. I'm a picture of fucking jolly right now, that's what I am.

"It can't be that funny."

>It is! These assholes are going on an expedition with some traitor or something, it's hilarious! Think about it, HE destroys a ton of buildings and wreaks havoc across the land, and he gets invited on a little trip? But look at this, public opinion for when a Changeling does it? NINETY NINE PERCENT say "Should have killed her." And this is in a paper MADE BY A CHANGELING! Oh Gods who I will one day slaughter, it's funny.

"..."

>...Did you need something?

"We were wondering if you could donate to our orphanage? It's getting pretty cold now, and we don't have enough to keep warm..."

>No.

"Oh, I understand. Could you donate some food?"

>I have none to give.

"...That popcorn maker is on, we can see it."

>I said none to GIVE, I didn't say I didn't have any.

"Can't you give us anything?"

>Ehhh, sure.

With that, she walked over to an open spot in the park and punched down so hard it made a crater. From the rubble, she plucked a sharp, curved rock, and handed it to one of the children.

>There you go! Perfect shiv right there. Easy to dispose of, easy to make it look like an accident, and hey, hole is already dug! No way will the guard think you had time to bury a body. You're welcome.

"... you want us... CHILD ORPHANS... to stab ponies for food..."

>Well, hiring someone else to stab them is out of your price-bracket.

"..."

>...Thinking about stabbing me, aren't you?

"..."

>...I'm so proud... but if you try it, I will break all of your bones, fair warning. Nothing personal, just have to keep up appearances.

"...Sooooo, just aim for the neck?"

>...It's like my second birthday all over again.
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>29
"Orphan"
'???'
~~~~~

>And just what, my newfound ethereal friend, is your story?

"Some crazy mare gave me a shiv to kill someone with so I could eat tonight."

>Uh huh...

"So I said to her 'Violence is never the answer', and went into this long speech about it."

>Right...

"And then my room mate bashed me over the head with a rock so he could have my shiv."

>...

"I'll give her credit, the crazy mare tried to help me, and seemed upset when I died."

>Really? That was nice of her.

"Not really. She was in the betting pool that said I would win the fight that I was unaware I was a part of. She lost three whole bits."

>Ah...

"...Just make him do the thing."

>Can do! Maestro, your act, please!

'As you wish! Dadadadadada-FUCKING HOLES!'
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>PotatoJack
“Silver Spoon”
_______

“Is this really necessary? I don’t think it is. At all.”

>If you can dodge a storm, you can dodge a bomb.

“You keep saying that like you really believe it works that way but I'm telling you it doesn't. For one, a storm and bomb are two totally different things!"

>Then I suggest you learn the dodging properties associated with both.

"I... okay, sure, I will."

>Good. Now get ready.

"Yeah, about that. I see you’ve got all these pinecones hooked up to strings… you’re not going to fling them at me all at once, are y-”

>DODGE!

“AAAGH!”

POKPOKPOKP-POKPOKP-POKPOKP-POK

>Hmmm, alright, not bad. Out of a possible one hundred dodges, you caught 86 with your body and 10 in the face. Congratulations, you dodged four pinecones.

“…”

>Although granted, when you keeled over, the last four did kind of zoom over your head.

“…”

>But I'm feeling magnanimous today, and you're barely conscious right now. So I’ll still count it as a pass. This time.

“…”
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>Arana
"Rarity"
~~~

>So THAT'S what all that noise was! You ponies are building stuff up here! Cool!

"...Oh dear, I don't suppose you would know, would you?"

>Know what?

"Well, you see... Chrysalis ISN'T the last Queen alive, I'm afraid."

>Yay! More Queens! OH OH OH! Maybe I can go hang out with her hive, since this one wants to kill me!

"She doesn't have one, as far as I know."

>Oh... maybe she could use the help? I'm helpful!

"I don't doubt you are, but I DO very much doubt she would need, or want, any help. I don't know if you know her, but she's named... Chitania."

>...Oooohhhh... yeah, her and My Queen never really got along.

"No?"

>Yeah, cause she's a jerk that always took that other Queens side!... I think... I wasn't there for any of it. But from what my Queen said she would always be extra mean to her for no reason! Cause she's a jerk who ignored her when she called out before she hid me away! She just ignored her! CAUSE SHE'S A JERK!

"..."

>...Probably. I've never met her.

"..."

>...You want a boot trap? I made a boot trap.

"It's lovely! Oh, I must take you to my boutique, so many possibilities!"

>Cool!... What's a boutique?

"...You have much to learn."
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>Chrysalis
"Various Changelings"
~~~~~

>Okay, so, for a quick briefing, if you see a changeling with spider-legs sticking out of it, do not speak to it, do not try to fight it, do not try to kill it. Avoid it like the plague, because there is a very real chance she can make you melt like the aforementioned plague.

"...Can we ask her how to grow Spider-legs?"

>NO! FUCK NO!

"But those sound really useful!

>HOW!?

"We can walk on walls!

"We can already do that, though."

"But we can't walk on walls like a spider."

"No, but we can do it like a bug."

"Spiders eat bugs."

"See? He gets it. Spider walking is better than bug walking."

>NO SPIDER ANYTHING! DANGER! DEATH!

"Awww... Wait, why does that sound so familiar?"

>She is of Sciderella's hive!

"GASP!...Who?"

"Yeah, who?"

"No fucking idea. But I remember now. You used to talk about her hive all the time."

"She doesn't really seem that important, in hindsight."

>DO YOU WANT ME TO BREAK MY NO-KILL STREAK!? I'LL DO IT!

"Fine fine! Jeez! So touchy."

>NO. SPIDERS.

"Got it! For lands sakes."

"I mean, I heard Sciderella was bad, but I never got the particulars."

"I'm sure I heard it, but I wasn't paying attention."

"Me either."

"...OH! Uh, yes my Queen! We shall not fornicate with the spider thing!"

>I'm pretty sure you mean...

*Flipflipflip*

>...fraternize.

"Sure, that works too."

>GOOD! Now if you don't mind, I have places to be!

She stomped out furiously, leaving behind a room full of murmuring changelings. None of them really KNEW Sciderella, not really. If they had ever seen her face to face, they likely would not be alive right now. None... except for the single one in the corner, shaking like a leaf, and clutching their head as the shakes came back.

They knew Sciderella.

They knew her all... too... well...
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>Spike
"2"
~~~
>Ahh... Back to my side work then, I missed mother's day as is-

"Hiya, Spike!"

>Oh, hey, Two. Ah, actually, just the princess I wanted to see.

"Really?!"

>Yeah, sorry I didn't give it to you before I left but Applejack made a good point on incentives to make it back. I present to you... Your crown!

What Spike showed her was a fairly simple crown with silver and jewels along the a band

Then it got weird when one noticed the thick lining to the band, the seven tall steel prongs jutting straight up from the band on what seemed to be strange mechanical devices, and what seemed to be lighter burners close to the prongs

Two frowned

"That's not made of marchmalleys at all..."

Spike grinned

>Not made from it but...

Spike then produced a bag of large marshmallows and began impaling them on the prongs of the crown until thirty five treats now rested on the crown

"Well, that's cool I-"

>Not yet!

Spike then hit a small switch and the prongs began to rotate and the lighters flared to life, perfectly toasting each marshmallow

And then, the flames were flicked off, and he removed one of the prongs and offer it to Two

>Do you like it, Princess?

She teared up

"That... That is the most beautiful thing in my whole life."
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>Rival Guard
"Rival Changeling"

>This is stupid.

"You're stupid."

>No, seriously, this? This right here that we're doing? Is the stupidest thing I've ever been talked into.

"Hey, that doctor said he'd kill us if we actually fought."

>So you're saying that hoof wrestling is gonna settle this?

The changeling grumbles in a huff.

"YOU think of something then."

>...maybe after I win.

"Like hell!"

>We've been doing this for three hours, I figure your chitin's gonna give out sooner or later.

"Not before you fall asleep, asshole."

>Oh yeah?

"Yeah-wait, no, we've been through this, that way lies madness."

>Oh, shit, right.

Minutes tick by, hours, the two sit at the small table off in an unused part of the dungeon, forelegs clasped, staring at each other.

>...I win!

"Huh!? No you didn't!"

>Hm, oh no, I was just doing an impromptu staring contest, I won that.

"...fucker."

>So...got a name?

"What?"

>A name. We've kind of been trying to destroy each other for weeks now, we're the one thing, where you hate the other guy more than other people?

"Arch enemies?"

>Yeah that, we're arch enemies and we barely know each other.

"Is that really a requirement?"

>I dunno, just making conversation.

"AJ 41."

>Suckerpunch.

"Pff..."

>What?

"Whose parents name them Suckerpunch?"

>Funny story, whenever my mom and dad were going to get frisky while she was pregnant with me, I'd kick her, and she'd kick him riiiight where no male would like to be kicked.

"Ah, makes sense."

>Hey...can I ask a question?

"Suuuuure?"

>You haven't actually been applying any pressure for the last thirty minutes either, have you...?

"No..."

They look at each other, they blink.

Then quickly, almost too quickly, they reapply their strengths twice as hard as before.

>Almost had me with that trick!

"Yeah! Yeah, the same to you!"

And on it goes...
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