For K4y

I went to a meeting for all the evil people in the world; the dregs of society; the murderers and rapists and child molestors; the criminally insane and the US senators.

It was all of the most evil, vile, despicable human beings you could imagine gathered into one place, and I stood up on the stage with an AK-47 in my hands and I said "Who here deserves to die? Raise your hand!" and I saw a sea of raised hands. Not one person in that entire crowd failed to raise their hand, because they all understood the fundamental truth that they are evil, despicable, vile, wretched, useless people. And I said "There are no innocent victims here.", and I threw my gun away, because I cannot kill those who actually deserve to die.

And then Jesus Christ arrived with a truck full of Jack Daniel's, and we all got drunk and there was a rhinoceros suspended from the ceiling with pink nylon and I said, to Rasputin, I said to him, I said "There's nothing more beautiful than a dreamless night." and he raised his drink in toast and said "You're damn right TJ, you're damn right indeed." and we clanked our cups together and we drank and we drank and we drank until the night became blurry and nothing made any sense any more - which reminds me of how amused I become whenever anyone tells me that they're sober - no one is sober in America; America is designed to intoxicate you - intoxicate you with your own inadequacy, intoxicate you with the promise of a better tomorrow that never comes. If only you had that new car and a firmer butt and less body fat and better teeth and better hair; if only you didn't have that uber dorky disposition, you'd be fine, you'd be all gravy.

Yeah, boys and girls, this culture is very fond of telling you that the sickness is the cure - all you have to do is give in, all you have to do is spend every little dime the way that they tell you to spend it; all you have to do is go thousands upon thousands of dollars into debt buying useless crap that you can't afford and that you don't fucking need - that's the culmination of our war for independence, and all the other wars that have come before and since, that's the culmination of your civil rights movements and your struggles for equality and all that stuff - it all led up to ShamWow and the iPhone, and I hope you're proud.

This is the country where they tell you you're fat if you can't see your ribs, and then they shove Big Macs down your throat all day - and don't tell me that it's all a matter of personal choice, because there's no such thing as personal choice, choice is an illusion, choice is a figment of your imagination.

I get so tired sometimes of pretending to be real person. I get so tired of pretending that I exist. I get so tired of asking you for forgiveness for things that I don't even feel are wrong. I get so tired of doing this little eye movement... this little flicker, this little smile.

I get tired, I get tired, I get tired, I get tired of everything, I get tired of rocking back and forth, I get tired of shaking my hands, I get tired of raising my voice, I get tired of whispering, I get tired of closing my eyes, I get tired of plugging my ears, I get tired of shutting my mouth.

You ever think, boys and girls, that if there is a hell, it's the same as Earth, only it lasts forever? I always thought that that would be the worst hell possible - just this place but it never ends, it just keeps on going, it just keeps on coming; there's no aging, there's no dying, it's just living here, forever and ever, dealing with the same stuff, the same stupid people, the same misunderstandings, the same miscommunications, the same inability of some people to understand what the hell you're trying to tell them; and you watch by the sidelines as everything changes but nothing ever seems to improve.

I guess that's why I like dreamless nights and forgotten memories, because it's kind of like a small sneak preview of death - a small sneak preview of what death should be.