self-indulgent word vomit

She tugged her jacket, hiding the little flame in her chest from view. Nothing showed on her face, but something fierce roiled underneath the surface, and the little flame pulsed along with it. It was such a strange paradox, feeling as if she was about to burst but at the same time an emotional flatline.

It had been a while since she'd spoken to anyone else at the Freehold. Such a withdrawal wasn't unusual by their standards, given their shared experiences. Still, it was hard to bring herself to approach anyone. Not when everytime the thought flickered in her head that she should leave her self-imposed isolation, another spoke in that poison-sweet voice that showing her face would only bring disappointment. Opening your mouth will only remind you of why they hate you, it said. Better to stay here, where they don't have to see you, where they don't have to tolerate you and continue about their business in peace. After all, they have their own struggles. It's best to not burden them with your own. They are far less important, after all.

The process of breaking herself of these thoughts was a long and hard one. Intellectually, she knew full well that these thoughts, more than anything, made things more difficult not just for her, but everyone else. The hesitation, constant second-guessing meant that she was nearly impossible to communicate with. The whole back-and-forth was an exercise in frustration for her and the others. But the voice was so seductive, tempting her to fall back right back into those habits, regardless of everything.

No, she thought, clenching her fists into her dress. No, it was time to bring an end to this cycle. The voice didn't stop. It whispered and cajoled, until it resorted to an outright scream. She felt the glass start to heat up. But she didn't stop. She had to stand up for herself against it, or she'd never get better.

And if such a start was something as simple as standing in line, using her own money to decisively order a coffee just the way she liked it, so be it. Small steps. But even those small steps were a blow against the voice. And it would be a step towards facing her new family at the freehold once more.