I think I feel a little too comfortable when I'm in Marshalls. When I am there I don't have to pretend, It's like a huge gender neutral bathroom.

I feel comfortable because I am surrounded by all of the garbage that I deserve to be around.
If you took these things out of the trash where they belong and put them onto your body you'd get staph infection.

But Marshalls has it covered - they intercept this before it gets into the trash and presents it randomly all over their store.

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It's like a Macys that wipes back to front.

This is what Kohls would be if it were honest with itself.

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It's like a Taco Bell that you can buy clothes at. These are some of the only places where you can afford any item there and get 3 more things makes you feel like a king.


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 Marshalls feels like your friend's house who had parents who didn't care.

You knew you can keep your shoes on because the living room has a concrete floor. The coffee table had a hole in it, an ash tray with syrupy liquid at the bottom, and an empty bottle that is just labeled "opium" written with a sharpie, and there was always new blood just around.
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It's all stuff that would be from Santa's workshop the Syberia location.

"Hey Stacie - what do you want for Christmas? A Barbie?

Too bad, all we have here is a tourniquet"
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The people at marshalls know what we want, and they know what we need.

• I once saw they had a cast iron... hat.

• Next to that was a  Shelf-Stable Sandwich, just a tuna sandwich, unrefrigerated, on the shelf, three dollars.

It's like John Marshall said to his team "You know what we need to cut out the middleman of sandwiches" (lowly staff member) "Well who is that boss?" "The refrigerator"

"What else to they need sir?"

"PEOPLE LOVE BACON"

"But they cannot afford it sir, this is marshalls."

"we must replicate this flavor"

"In what, sir?"

"A jelly bean?"

"Brilliant, sir, these people will finally get the essence of bacon in their life."

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//secondary ones if this part goes well - otherwise skippable)
•Marshalls is the place that ends up with all of the children's toys that vibrate.
• I saw an R. Kelly t-shirt there on wednesday, and R kelly was buying it.
• You can go in and purchase a family and still have change to get water bottle.
•You can just go in and buy drugs
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If you had to choose your friends from Marshalls you would be friends with

• Women who fuck cats
• Ashy white people with open wounds
• People who say they will "Perform Fellatio"
• Chinese people who are actually from China.

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If they merged with greyhound they would have identical clientele, except women would be marginally more afraid.

The people who shop there look like they just attended a child's party where instead of a cake they put down a dog.


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The undisputed worst part though, is the checkout line.

The employees are the human embodiment of wet socks.
At the hiring process if you have a highschool degree they will tell you that you're overqualified and they cannot hire you.

So I'm standing in this line and I watch a girl vomit. At least 2 liter of Milky, viscous vomit.

Her mom snaps and said  "God damn it, Theresa, I told you not to eat ALL of the fruity pebbles."

"But ma, I LOVE fruity pebbles"

Her mother then walked through the vomit on the floor, creating a streak of milk, bile and fruity pebbles and asked an employee to help her.

The employee got a bunch of plastic bags and started scooping this girl's fruity pebble vomit into another bag. But there was this dripping mixture just pouring onto the floor. He didn't realize the inefficiency of this process.

 He's just used to people and other animals shitting on the floor and that is the protocol.

It really makes you think, do I really need these fubu brand butterscotch candies?