Tales of Harassment and Best Princess

>Mares give strange gifts to the husband they try to court. If accepted, you are horse married. Picking it up can even be acceptance.
This reminds me of a Gilda green from a long time ago.
>Another day, another bunch of horse nonsense.
>You were onto their games however.
>You did your research the moment you got here along with some advice from the fairer sex.
>These ponies were the craftiest of creatures when it came to getting the D
>But you were not a horsefucker.
>No sir, not you.
>They left gifts scattered throughout your yard, on your doorstep, in the trees.
>The real brazen ones even broke into your home.
>You would almost consider it flattering.
>But you knew better.
>As cruel as it sounded you couldn’t keep any of them so you tossed every single item out.
>If you didn’t it would be a legally binding marriage.
>Looking down at the assorted gift basket of socks on your doorstep you couldn’t help but shake your head.
>You really did need some new socks.
>As any man should.
>But you couldn’t.
“Fucking horses.”
>Picking up the basket you made sure to slowly and deliberately place it the trashcan beside your home.
>This is how they got Caramel.
>They knew of his love of all things sparkly.
>One package full of sparkly mane pins and BAM! Poor guy has no choice but to go balls deep in a herd of mares.
>You saw the poor fuck the other day talking to himself at the coffee shop.
>Muttering about not being ready to be a dad.
>Then there was Thunderlane.
>He, despite his quirks, took you under his wing when you arrived here.
>Taught you about the necessary precautions when it came to the shit the mares would pull.
>”Don’t ever accept a drink at the bar if there isn’t at least three stallions to watch your back.”
>These horses had goddamn ROOFIES
>Yet even with all his wisdom all it took was for him to let his guard down once.
>A bunch of birdhorses swooped down and carried him off to god knows where.
>You could still hear the screams when you slept.
>Walking through your yard you spied an envelope taped to the fence door.
>Opening it you looked at the contents.
>A crudely drawn picture of you doing something Jesus wouldn’t approve of with a certain mint green pony.
>On the brightside her art was getting better.
>However you unlike the picture did not have multiple cocks to attack her every orifice.
>But points for trying harpbutt.
>Crumpling up the latest artistic piece you tossed it in the trash where it belonged.
>It was time to head to work and even more horseshit.
>You worked at the local newspaper.
>The only job you could find was being a secretary when you got here.
>But you weren’t going to complain since the pay was pretty nice.
>The only problem however was
>”Oh Anonymous when will you finally stop teasing this poor old mare and let me show you how us older gals really can make a stallion feel special.”
>Your boss a middle aged mare with a typewriter for a cutie mark looked at you with a predatory glint in her eyes.
>She by far was the thirstiest mare of them all.
>And the only thing that could quench it as she told you on numerous occasions was a nice big ole’ glass of Anon’s essence.
>Once you caught her doing something very unethical to your chair when you forgot your keys at work.
>No amount of cleaning could get the stains out.
>And you really liked that chair.
“I’m good ma’am, here’s your schedule for this morning.”
>”Did you set some alone time for us in there?”
“Unfortunately not, it’s pretty jammed packed.”
>”Oh how I wish I was.”
>Everyday you died just a little more on the inside.
>This is how you spent your days.
>Avoiding the direct sexual harassment not only from the boss, but also from every mare that worked here.
>Lunchtime was spent at your desk.
>Far away from the break room.
>Very far away.
>After being asked if you had some extra mayo for Quick Notes sandwich you vowed to never step a foot in there again.
>Or make a sandwich ever again.
>Fucking horses ruined sandwiches for you with their innuendos.
>Let’s not forget what you caught the janitor mare doing to the bottle of water you left in the fridge.
>But you did learn that she, exactly as claimed on several occasions, didn’t have much of a gag reflex.
>”Hey there big fella, I got a package for you. Maybe it’s my lucky day and you have one for me.”
>The delivery mare was here.
>Punctual as ever.
“Just give me the damn clipboard so I can sign.”
>The grinning Pegasus only fished it out of her saddle bags after making a show of looking for it, during which she might have flashed you once or ten times.
>”Thanks good looking, don’t forget we make special deliveries after hours for all your needs.”
“Fuck off.”
>The job itself wasn’t really difficult.
>Make appointments for the boss lady, field calls, send notes, and sign for packages.
>Yet you got a hefty paycheck.
>Whether because you did all these things in an efficient matter or the amount of harassment you received you didn’t know.
>And wouldn’t ask about either.
>”Don’t rock the boat” as your dad always said.
>That’s how your day went by.
>Walking home you kept avid watch just in case of being abducted by a mob of birdhorses.
>You couldn’t be too careful after all.
>On your doorstep was another gift basket.
>This time it was full to the brim mane care products.
>Maybe you should start just setting some traps out or something.

>After cleaning up your yard from the latest installment of marital gifts left overnight you headed to town hall.
>Why?
>Because today was a special day.
>Even though the society here was ruled by a royal meritocracy they had yearly elections.
>Everything from county clerks to an Equestria wide best princess election.
>For one year the bragging rights and an “All you can eat” coupon to any establishment was gifted to the winner.
>But you didn’t care about that.
>Nope, you cared about making sure that cunt of a mayor hopefully got a taste of getting booted out of office.
>Every town ordinance about holding ponies and other species responsible for sexually harassing others got shot down.
>All because as she said they were nothing more than “Molehills elevated to mountains by stallions minds.”
>I mean sure, you might have just been blowing things out of proportion when you got drugged and almost kidnapped by a group of mares.
>Nothing but coltish whimsy as far as she was concerned.
>Chances were that she would still win.
>But these sort of battles started with one vote, in time they would grow.
>God you were starting to sound like a damn feminist from back home.
>You should probably check to see if your dick got replaced with a vagina when you got back home.
>”MAKE EQUESTRIA RISE AGAIN!”
>Oh what fresh hell is this now?
>Barely catching a glimpse of the town hall you saw the street riddled with various groups of ponies.
>The two biggest however were having some sort of who can dress more silly contest.
>Complete with flags and hats.
>”Anon buddy! Yoohoo over here!”
>Spotting a familiar brown mane you walked over to your good friend Caramel.
>You should probably ask him if he’d seen Thunderlane lately.
>Poor guy was probably still locked up somewhere by a bunch of birdhorses.
>But back to Caramel.
>In front of him was a stroller with a little filly in it.
“Hey Caramel, how’ve you been?”
>”Busy as ever, this little one is starting to teethe and the other two are starting school soon.”
“So the dad lifestyle not as bad as you though eh?”
>”Well at first I was a little miffed, but it’s not that bad. The girls treat me well and it’s nice to cuddle up at night without wondering if they’ll be gone tomorrow.”
“So what’s going on over there, why are they screaming at each other?” You gestured towards the two angry groups.
>”They’re just being silly today. Ever since Luna started her campaign it’s a bunch of bellyaching about making the place like it was a thousand years ago.”
“How so?”
>”She wants stallions to stay in the kitchen and only take care of foals.”
“But isn’t that what you’re doing now?”
>”I do it for my little ones Anon. Not because I’m forced to, but because I want to.”
>With that he leaned down and nuzzled his little bundle of joy while making cooing noises.
>Yup he’s gone full “daddy” mode now.
>As long as he’s happy then.
“So what she wants stallions back in the kitchen? That’s her big master campaign plan?”
>”No Anon, she wants to basically make us nothing more than a”
>He used his front hooves to cover his kids ears before continuing.
>”walking cock who cooks and cleans.”
“Ok so I get that, what about the others?”
>”Don’t even get me started on the other ones. They’re some super stallionist movement clowns who think that the entire establishment is against them.”
>Sure enough you when you looked you read some of the signs they were holding up.
>”I’M MORE THAN JUST A PAIR OF BALLS!”
>”DOWN WITH THE MATRIARCHY”
>”MARES HAVE COOTIES”
“Okay then, I’m just going to go inside, cast my vote and drink to forget what I’ve seen here today then.”
>”Be good Non-non, say bye-bye sweetie.”
>The filly just laughed and continued playing with her rattle.
“Be good Caramel.”

>Ballot in hand you were ready to cast your vote.
>It didn’t take long since you already had most of the names picked out and the place was practically deserted except for the old mare who handed you the ballot.
>You were down to the last set of choices.
>But you honestly didn’t know who to vote for in the case of “Best Princess”
>Celestia and Luna were right up top with a blank underneath for a write-in.
>Not like it’s going to matter anyway.
>Picking up the quill you wrote a certain mare’s name.
>She might have caused you a whole lot of grief whenever it came to picking out a book but she was a good horse.
>She’s one of the few that hasn’t made any crazy attempts to take advantage of you.
>So points for Sparklebutt.
>Writing in Twilights name you walked to the ballot box and put it through the slot.
>Time to head home and have a drink.


DAWN OF A NEW DAY
“THIS CANNOT BE!”
>”Now Luna, calm yourself. She won fair and square.”
“Our campaign was flawless. We even hired protestors for every city and town.”
>”Apparently everyone was so busy protesting they didn’t vote. Only one vote was cast and it was for my dear student.”
>Though your sister tried to calm you with her soothing words you knew better.
>Beneath that calm exterior she was upset.
>She really wanted that coupon.
>How many dinners did you have to sit through hearing her talk of the cake shop she would use it in.
>”How about we go to the electoral office and find out who voted for Twilight, we can have them congratulate Twilight and deliver the news themselves.”
>Yes perfect.
>We will know who cost us the victory we most certainly deserved.
“I think that’s a most splendid idea sister. After all they are the ones responsible for making Twilight the princess of the year.”

>Something felt off this morning.
>Maybe it was the fact that your home was devoid of any “gifts” when you woke up.
>Perhaps it was that there were no presents left on your doorstep.
>Or even a single lewd drawing of you defiling a mare with various appendages crudely pinned to your fence door.
>Your lawn was pristine, untouched by any late night visitors.
>All of it, it felt wrong.
>The most unsettling thing about it however was the feeling that something bigger was coming.
>You couldn’t place where the notion was coming from, but it was there.
>The grip on your bagged lunch increased.
>Your eyes darted left and right every few steps.
>Even the catcalls you normally received from the mares on your walk to work were absent.
>In spite of all these oddities, you made it to work without any trouble.
>Checking your seat for any surprises you were shocked to find… none.
>The cushion was exactly as you had left it when you left the day before.
>You barely had time to get the itinerary before a familiar voice reached your ears.
>”Mr. Anonymous would you please step into my office for a moment.”
>Your boss was being professional and courteous.
>Now is the time to panic.
>In a daze you made the short trip.
>What the hell was going on?
>No mares using cheesy pickup lines on your way in, no innuendos about sexing up the reporter behind the copy machine.
>The world is ending.
>”Close the door behind you.”
>Doing so she motioned for you to sit the moment you turned back from the door.
>”I just got a very interesting message from Canterlot.”
“Okay.”
>”And my gut tells me you didn’t see the morning issue?”
“Not really.”
>The calculating look your boss was giving you that very moment actually made you feel small.
>Like when your dad tried to get you to fess up to something when he himself didn’t even know what sort of trouble you had been causing.
>”Far be it for me to break the news to you, but apparently the privacy laws which our land has seen to honor for as long as I remember have been broken.”
“I don’t understand.”
>”Here”
>Tossing you a copy of the morning paper you caught it and read the headline.
“Landslide Victory for Princess Sparkle, Anonymous the human of Ponyville cast the deciding vote.”
>You felt numb.
>How the hell?
>”Judging by your expression you’re just as surprised as I was, I wanted to wallop whichever pony on my staff here that wrote it, but apparently it’s only a reprint of the story written in the Canterlot Times.”
>Your boss after saying that sunk into her seat.
>She looked worn out.
>”Next to my quill is the message from Canterlot.”
>Sure enough a pure white card with gold trim lay there.
>Picking it up you read the contents.
“They’re coming here? To see me?”
>”Apparently so. And suffice it to say someone at the castle can’t keep their pie-hole shut and it leaked, all of Equestria probably knows they’re coming here to see you.”
>Jesus
>You were fucked.
>Two of the most powerful creatures in the land were coming to have a chat with you.
>Right after you cost them an election.
>You were going to get sent to the fucking moon weren’t you.
>”I think you need a day off.”
“But what about”
>”Don’t worry about that, just take a day off and relax.”
>You felt numb when you nodded and headed out of her office.
>Your gut warned you that something was wrong.
>And it was right.
>It always was.