On apologies

So. An observation on how it's become, imo, overly unaccepted to apologize for non-self-faulted events in this group somehow turned into a giant wall of text over my entire thoughts on apologies. Oooooops. Anyway, putting this here, since it's better than trying to lecture it at everyone in Skype chat.
Also, I make no claims of not making these mistakes myself. In fact, I freely admit to making them quite often myself! But I'm not about to let that stop me from rambling about them, especially since I've also decided recently to dislike the concept of hypocrisy. So yeah, this isn't me saying I'm any better. I just think I'm good at putting things into words, so I do that.
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I'm going to divide apologies into four kinds. It's a little more complex, yes, but I think we can agree there's a few major categories.
Taking-responsibility apologies. "I'm sorry I did this thing that was bad, I understand it was bad, I won't do it again." A proper apology of this kind needs all these elements: regret, understanding, resolve to improve. "I'm sorry you're mad at me for doing something, I don't see any problem with what I said but eh, I don't want you to be unhappy" doesn't work.
Just-in-case apologies. "Something's wrong, maybe it's my fault. I'm sorry for any bad things I did." These are okay situationally but you do need to understand what they are, and not throw them around like crazy. Use them for a reason. Use them consciously. Don't confuse them with the first kind of apology. If you explain them as the specific kind - for example, "I get the feeling I might be partially responsible for this. If I was, I'm sorry, and I'd like to know so I can improve" - it'll work better than if you just throw the word out.
That's-too-bad apologies. "I'm sorry your cat died. Not because I killed your cat, it's just a shame." These are more normal outside of GCC. We've just practically banned them here, because there's so much of the next kind of apology that we worry just in case. "Sorry that happened" doesn't always mean "sorry I made that happen" and it's okay to say the former, but it's hard to comfortably accept it as really being the former when people mean or say the latter too much.
Self-hate apologies. "This is my fault. I stuck my tongue out at a butterfly this morning, that's why your cat died, I'm so sorry I killed your cat. I'm me, I'm the person who gets things wrong, so my butterfly mockery has cat-killing powers. Please forgive me, except I don't deserve it."

There are times and places for all of the first three kinds of apologies. But it's important to be aware of which one you're using. Think about it first. No harm comes from taking a few seconds to think before sending a message. And a lot of harm can come from not doing so.

What I feel should be involved in the intention behind an apology:
The first and foremost priority should be this. If you're apologizing to acknowledge having wronged another person, you are (or should be) humbling yourself to put the spotlight on them and how they feel. Acknowledging and respecting their feelings should come first. That means setting yours aside to deal with in a more appropriate time and/or place.
"I'm so sorry, do you forgive me? I didn't mean anything bad, it was just I was having such a horrible day and Billy Bob spat in my cereal and my puppy died and I've been crying all day and I just lost my temper and I know I shouldn't have. Do you forgive me? You don't think badly of me for this, right? I need a hug. I feel horrible about this."
One of the bigger problems I've seen with apologies is that some of them make the wronged person set their feelings aside to comfort the "apologizer". It's understandable to feel bad about having hurt someone, but there have been several times when apologies in this group have involved several minutes of me reassuring the person apologizing to me. To the point where the "apology" caused me more distress or inconvenience than what they apologized for in the first place. A brief "do you forgive me" or "can we still be friends the same as before" is fine. A short explanation for why you acted badly is fine. Anything more is best saved for a later time, or primarily discussed with a separate person.

The same still applies for that's-too-bad apologies. Sympathy is okay. A short explanation of why you sympathize is okay. But be careful not to overshadow the original person's feelings by derailing the discussion to your own story. "I'm so sorry your cat died. I can really relate. When my cat died, I was really devastated. I really miss her. She was little and orange and fluffy and I raised her from a kitten and -*sniffle*- it's just so horrible and I'm so sad. Poor little Fluffykins..."
It's okay to share your story as conversation. But wait to let discussion of the original person's unhappiness die down first, before you bring up your side of it. And be alert and aware of how they seem to feel. If it seems like they're uncomfortable, quietly and calmly let the subject fade.

This is also one of the less obvious reasons self-hate apologies are bad. They're generally more about the person apologizing than the person being apologized to, and nearly always result in placing the emotional burden on that person. If you want to talk about illogically feeling at fault, that's okay, but it's best not done in the form of an apology.

To get to my actual original idea, I feel we really do need to work on accepting that's-too-bad apologies, because they do serve a function that's best differentiated from other apologies, and perhaps if they're used more, self-hate and just-in-case apologies won't be used in their place so much. I do think it's, again, good to be clear on what kind of apology they are, and a one-word "sorry" isn't clear.