The Kindred Nativity

Long ago in a distant land, I Aku the shapeshifting master of darkness, unleashed an UNSPEAKABLE EVIL...Oh, I was reading the wrong script? I'm sorry, let me start again.

*clears throat*

Long ago, a bright light shined in the night sky, and the angel Gabriel appeared before Mary, a young woman who was due to marry Joseph, a carpenter.

Gabe: Hey Mari, I have good news and bad news for you.
Maria: What is it?
Gabe: Good news, you've been randomly selected to bear the Son of God. Congratulations.
Maria: And the bad news?
Gabe: He's the Son of God. So have fun trying to raise a demigod.
Maria: 'kay.

Eventually, Joseph took note of the fact that Mary would bear a child. As he was a man of honor, he decided to try and spare his wife's dignity and tried to divorce her quietly. But Gabriel returned to console Joseph in a dream.

Gabe: Just relax Joseph, no need to go to extremes. You can still wife Mari. She's just having a baby through the will of the Holy Spirit.
Hector: So God touched my wife? Tell him when I get up there I'm going to shove my carpentry tools up his holy—
Gabe: Shut up and listen you stupid son of shepherd, you are going to raise that kid with your virgin wife and you'll name him Jesus, got it?!
Hector: Why a lame name like Jesus?
Gabe: Does it look I know? Only thing He told me is that you're to name him Jesus because he's going to save mankind or something.
Hector: Oh, ok...
Gabe: Good, TTFN. Oh, and don't use disposable diapers. His holiness has a sensitive rear.

When Joseph awoke from his dream, he did as he was told and took Mary as his bride. But he held no union with her while she carried the Son of God within her. Several months later, when Mary was due to give birth, the two made their way to Bethlehem. Unfortunately, they found the city to be crowded.

Mari: What do you mean you have no room?!
Tanya: We're booked. You should have sent a reservation dove earlier in the year.
Hector: Is there no place in this town for a pregnant woman to rest?
Tanya: You can always check Herodslist. I'm sure someone has a room.
Mari: What, and get a room with some weirdo with a goat fetish again? I think not!

The two continued to look for a room, but were turned away. But to their fortune, a kind man took pity on the couple, and offered a stable to them.
As they rested within the stable, the gentle animals of the farm greeted them, and surrounded Mary and Joseph as her child came into the world.

Dwight: *mutters* Why am I the baby?

The nonspeaking baby Jesus was wrapped in strips of cloth by his mother and was placed in a manger cushioned with hay. The animals peered into the manger and with their constant breathing kept the baby warm whilst Mary slept.

Hector: I hope they don't eat him...

Back in the outskirts of Bethlehem, a bright light appeared in the sky and startled some shepherds who were tending to their flock. They feared for their lives, until and angel calmed them.

Gabe: Chill the fuck out everyone, it's just the Son of God. No need to be alarmed.
Seth: Are you sure it's not an alien?
Gabe: Oh I'm sorry, whose the angel here again?
Seth: A fake ass angel.
Gabe: Wanna say that to my halo, bitch?!

Those that took the angel's words to heart were amazed and went to see their new savior. They looked down in wonderment at the newborn Jesus. Their heats touched, they set out to spread the word.

Mami: Hey everyone, God sent us his kid! That's right, someone got tapped by the big cheese!

Mary treasured the kind words and feelings of the shepherds and took them to heart.

Meanwhile, out far into the east, three wise men saw the light that signaled Jesus' arrival, and knew that a grand king had been born. With their hearts set on meeting this child, they set off towards Bethlehem.

George: Are we there yet?
Abe: No.
George: Are we there yet?
Abe: No.
George: Are we there yet?
Abe: No! If you're so damn bored, find away to entertain yourself.
George: Fine...Arabian niiiights, like Arabian daaaaaays!
Abe: Shut the fuck up, before we get sued!
George: And you're singing it tooooo! Arabian niiights, like Arabian moooons...

Upon arriving to the stable, The three wise men entered and worshiped the baby. They gave him gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

George: Abe, I thought we agreed  on a price limit.
Abe: Hey, we were meeting a king so a king deserves kingly gold!
Mari: My dear son is still too young, but I'll happily take the gold.
Hector: Thanks for covering the bills for the next few years.
Dwight: Suckers.

And this, my children, was the story of Nativity.

(Narration done by Abigail Mallen)