Black Holes (4-18-17)

Staying home for a week and a half had some serious effects on me. The best way I can describe it is like a black hole. The more you get pulled in, the less things follow the laws of the universe as we know them. Except instead of laws of the universe, it's my will to just be, and do. Every day I spend at home makes it worse. I start eating less. I start bathing less. I start not caring about anything. I start not listening to my parents. I start losing my ability to feel anything.

When my mom came in to tell me I needed to shower, and I refused, she wound up spending a half hour telling me how I need to start listening and how these are basic human things that I need to do and how if I keep this up, someone will call CPS and they'll take me away. She broke out in tears during that. Afterwards, I did nothing and felt nothing. What I do know is that's not normal, and I'm clearly in a very very bad state.

The problem is, they don't know how to help me. All they did was tell me to do those basic things and threaten to take things away if I didn't. That doesn't work on me. When something is confiscated from me, I either take it back with brute force or learn to deal without it. What they need to do is encourage me to do those things, give me some motivation. Because if there's no motivation, I start to think I'm incapable. And that's not true. What you need to do, as stupid as this may sound, is instead of tell me what'll happen if I don't, tell me I'll be happy I did, and how it'll benefit me. If that's not enough, maybe put in some incentive. I'm gonna need help every little step of the way. If I don't get help, I'll just fall deeper into the grasp of the black hole. It'll become harder and harder to escape. And if I pass the event horizon...

Hopefully we'll never get to see what happens.