Take The Sun Away (Suzu route Act 4-5)

Take The Sun Away


With Hisao's help, I manage to pull myself together a little before Miki gets back from her run. I think my eyes are still kind of red and... and I really don't want to let go of Hisao's hand, but maybe it's too dark for Miki to notice anything. My dad has fallen asleep with his newspaper covering his face, luckily for him, it's too late to dig another hole in the sand. And he's not quite as heavy a sleeper as Hisao.

We pile our stuff back in the car and then climb inside, Miki rests her head on my shoulder and I rest mine on Hisao's. He gets the window to lean on, but that's fine because... because he's a boy and he can deal with that. By the time we finally make it home, it's well past dark. We stumble out of the car, taking only the essentials with us and promising to unload the rest tomorrow. My dad leads the charge and Miki follows him inside, but I'm, I'm moving a little more slowly.

Hisao is a few steps ahead of me, he turns and glances back. Neither of us have forgotten earlier, I feel wiped out and I'm glad to be home, but at the same time... here I am in the driveway, and is the beach really so different from my house?

I'm suddenly unable to keep walking because there's someone in front of me. Hisao, right, he stopped. He's still looking down at me, is, is he trying to make sure I'm all right?

Am I all right?

I'm tired. I know that for sure. I'm tired and--

“Still here?”

Huh. “Huh? Wait, yes. Are you?”

Hisao smiles. He nods. “Yup.”

“Then I am too.” I say, managing to return his smile, even though mine is tired and shaky.

I think I'm more okay than I was before. Definitely more than I was before Miki got here, and even though she's leaving tomorrow, he's not. Not yet. So I should be okay. Maybe tomorrow I'll be rested enough to think that I am.

Hisao glances up at the stars. “It's beautiful out here at night.” He remarks. I can tell he's not just saying that, he means it, but his eyes are heavy with fatigue too.

“Yeah.” I mumble, but I don't even look up. It really is pretty, just far enough away from the city to have a clear view of the night's sky. But I don't want to see the stars, I stare down at the ground.

Before he can suggest something about going stargazing this week, I slip my hand in his and begin trudging towards the house, because no. I don't look up until we hit the door, and when I do, I can just make out the shape of my father, watching us from the end of the hall. My eyelids are heavy and not all the lights in the house are on right now, but I think he's... is he smiling? Is he--he's gone, now.

Not wanting to stop again for fear that I might be unable to keep walking if I do, we stumble through the front door, greeted by the smell of my mother's cooking. Apparently she must have enjoyed having a quiet house all to herself today, because she always makes the best food after a productive day. I'm so worn out that even though I guess I need as much fuel as I can get, it's an impossible battle to make it through dinner without falling asleep. Luckily, Hisao and Miki are both sitting close enough to either catch me or move my plate in time, so I don't have to worry about wearing any of my food.

Afterwards, I sit on the floor of the shower for a long time, just blinking groggily at nothing in particular as the warm water rains down from above. I am... I am far too tired to risk a bath tonight, but... salt water, and bits of sand, and... has anyone ever drowned in a shower? Would... would I get a place in a book of records somewhere if I was the first one, and would it be--noo, no, it would not be worth it. I force myself to wake up, I don't... I don't want to find out.

After we've all had time to take a shower and recover from dinner, my father rounds us up and directs us back to the dining room. His face is the picture of seriousness, arms stiff at his sides as he walks over to the refrigerator. I'm leaning on the table and cradling my head on top of my arms by now. It's... it's been a long day, what is... why. Why is this a thing that is happening right now.

As tired as I am, I still jump when my dad slams something down on the table, I look up to see green. Striped green, or, you know. Whatever color a watermelon is. Because that's, that's what it is. It's totally a watermelo---

Waaait.

“Miki never told you what happened to your father.” My father cups one hand in front of his mouth, distorting his voice dramatically. His eyes are completely serious.

“She...” No, wait, I remember this. And I... come on, wake up. Today, we end this. I glare at the fruit in front of me. “She told me you killed him.”

“No, Suzu.” My dad moves the watermelon a little with every word. “I am your father.”

“That's not true. That's impossible!” I muster all my strength to look shocked, sitting up. My mother rolls her eyes, retrieving a cutting board and a knife from the kitchen, Hisao and Miki are both grinning. Hisao almost looks a little wistful, maybe... maybe he hasn't seen this one. That would be a, a shame, or a crime, or both. A shameful crime.

“The fruit is strong with you.” My dad continues, tilting the food as if it were leaning forward to taunt me. “But you are not a watermelon yet.”

“I don't think that's how the--”

“If you only knew the power of the melon side.”

“Dad, that's not--”

“So. A sister.” Now Miki is the one rolling her eyes, but she bursts out laughing when my dad inclines the fruit towards Hisao instead of her. “You have a twin sister.”

Hisao is grinning right along with us, although whether he actually means it or it's all an act and he's still afraid of the whole being poisoned thing remains a mystery. My mother deposits the knife and cutting board in front of me, ooh.

“Miki was wise to hide her from me.”

“That doesn't even make--”

“Just cut the thing so he'll shut up, Suzu.” My mother says bluntly. His reply is an offended noise, which he repeats after realizing that he forgot to do it in his impression voice.

I pluck the watermelon from his grasp and then set it on the cutting board before carefully reaching for the knife, I don't usually cut things. Or cook things, or do anything like that to things.

“Let this be our final battle.” My dad calls.

“That's not even in the--” I begin, but my mother coughs. Fine, fine.

Sorry, watermelon. I guess it's you or me. And I also guess you had this coming. I turn the knife sideways and slice the fruit in two, making halfhearted action sounds to accompany the violence. Hyaa. Argh. Urgh. When I'm done, my dad pulls the board and the vanquished melon towards him, lifting up the top half and moving it up and down as if it suddenly had a mouth.

“I am defeated. I don't remember how this scene goes, so...” He frowns for a moment, but then nods to himself.

“Rosebud...” He croaks, laying the watermelon down. I pass him the knife and he begins cutting it into smaller pieces.

“And now to feast upon his corpse.” Miki frowns.

“That wasn't in the movie either.” I mutter, taking a slice and then a bite, in that order.


After smoting our foe's ruin upon the dinner table... or, or something... everyone begins preparing for bed. It really has been a long day, and I know I won't be able to hold on much longer. I bump into Hisao in the hallway outside my room. Well, I don't bump into him. I did that... was that today? It feels like last month or something. I don't know. But, but he's there. And I'm there and then we say hello.

“Hello.” He says, I give him a tired smile.

“Hey. All set? Pills taken?”

He nods, his expression neutral. “All five thousand of them.”

I can't help but laugh, even though... even though that's not really funny. By the time he got done taking all of his morning pills, he would need to start taking his evening ones and that's, how horrifying.

Hisao leans against the wall. “Your dad really does care a lot about you.”

“Huh?”

“I get the feeling that he hates to see you sad.” Hisao smiles gently. Does he? Er, did he? I... I didn't think I looked too bad. Have I just been really obvious? Or...

“He does.” I say softly, looking down at the thick carpet on the floor. Both my parents care about me a lot, and I do feel... cheered up but still so very, very tired.

Today was... well. I don't know anymore. So much happened. But I'm ready for it to end, I'm, I'm ready to--oh, huh, why is Hisao holding me all of the sudden? Did I...?

“Suzu. Hey, wake up.” He's saying, I guess I should... should try to do that. So I can walk about another five feet and then go to sleep again.

“Let's get you to bed.” Hisao gives me a gentle shake. I nod, right, okay.

He smells nice. Is that, did he bring his own shower stuff or is it my dad's? Is that weird? Maybe... maybe I'll ask him later.

I yawn, can't help it. “You too.” I reply, disentangling myself from him and taking his hand as I begin to move towards my room.

“But I'm staying in the guest room, right?”

“That's dumb. You're dumb.” I mumble, pulling him along. Hisao's steps are hesitant, but he follows obediently. We're... we're at my door, stop, before we run into it.

I turn my heavy head to look at Hisao, he's frowning.

...Sort of.

“Don't you want to come in?”

“I do, I do.” He replies. “It's just... it's not too late for your dad to poison me.”

Haa. I... I knew it. I shake my head, although I can't do it very fast.

“You don't have to worry about that.” And if you'll just, if you'll just come inside, you'll see why. I open the door, giving him a final tug before letting go of his hand and stepping through.

A dark skinned body is already lounging in my bed, dressed in a form-fitting white t-shirt and boyshorts. Miki sits up, crawling forward a few steps and leaving her, um, her... her ample bosom I guess, she leaves that kind of hanging.

“There you are, sleepyhead.” She smirks. I flash Hisao an exhausted grin before scampering forward to jump into the bed next to her. I think I used up the last of my strength right there, but I manage to raise myself up and turn back to look at him.

“Come to bed, Hisao...” Miki purrs, beckoning him forward with one finger. Hisao visibly swallows. He glances from her to me, I stare back, then look at Miki. I try to imitate her sultry expression, doing my best to put on a seductive face as I turn back to Hisao. I might just look really tired though.

Miki stretches her toned form, letting out a husky sigh. Hisao bites his lip, I bet he's glad he took his pills already. He takes a tentative step forward, only to be stopped in his tracks by a pillow to the face.

“Not with us, you gaylord! You may be a lucky guy, but you aren't nearly that lucky.” Miki laughs, giving me a wink. We're both grinning by now but I'm blushing, and maybe she is too?

“Don't worry though Hisao, we have someone to keep you company tonight.” She says lightly, pointing towards the mound of blankets and borrowed pillows that sits on the floor next to my bed. Resting on top is none other than my oversized T-rex, its mouth open in a roar that probably says “little crippled boy, come, let us cuddle” in the dinosaur tongue.

Hisao nods, right, he knew that the whole time. “I'm keeping this.” He says, clutching the pillow that Miki had thrown. She shrugs.

“Don't need it.” She replies, squirming closer and wrapping her arms around me. I let out a laugh, turning onto my side as Hisao flips the light off and then lays down on the floor. He pretends to look snobbish as he makes do with only the T-rex to sleep with. Miki holds on to me tightly, resting her head against the back of my neck and letting out a contented sigh, and I agree. This is the best thing.

I'm fading fast, I'm, whoa, it's dark and suddenly it's hard to think or do anything. But there's only one way this could get any better, I reach with one hand towards the space beside my bed. I have to wave my hand back and forth for a few seconds before Hisao notices, but then I feel him gently grab it. I smile widely, okay, now it's the best.

“Goodnight.” I mumble, to both of them. Miki just makes a happy noise in her throat in response.

“Roar.” Hisao says flatly. I laugh, I grin, and then sleep becomes me.



The next morning, I wake up, and something is a little weird, it's a little different. My bed feels strange and, and it's empty, the pulling behind my forehead tells me that I haven't gotten near enough rest. And the air smells odd too, is Miki trying to cook something?

I slowly open my eyes and the answer is actually pretty simple. This isn't my bed, and it isn't my room.

It's been a while since I've been here, since I've seen these walls. This bed is fairly large, it's just as comfy as mine, but it could be bigger and better than any in the whole world and I would never want to sleep in it again.

Everything remains the way it was, when this room still belonged to someone. Or, it still does, I guess. But he's not here to use it anymore, he's not here to sleep or wake up or, I... damn it, damn it. I must be sleepwalking again.

No matter how many obstacles I would wedge between me and my door, in the months after... after back then, and sometimes when I came home for holidays, I still managed to wind up here, in his room, in his bed. I would come here a lot, when we were little. My room was his room, his room... his room was mine. And we both had troubles, we both had night terrors and sleep paralysis, mine have gotten better since those years but they still happen, and they're just more symptoms of my condition. Looking back now, he never seemed to have them as bad as I did, but I think... I think he might have just been trying to be strong. His could have been even worse than mine, but no matter what, he had to... he had to put on a brave face for...

I swing my legs over the side of the bed and plant my feet in the thick carpet. My body complains as I rise and my head is pounding from standing up too fast, but I need to get out, I need to get out of here. I have no right to be here. I turn to go, breathing in the stale air of a room unused, but the door opens just before I can take a single step. Standing there, staring at me in complete surprise, is my mother.

We just look at eachother, completely frozen. The dim light that manages to make it through the closed curtains plays with her short hair, it makes the lines and creases around her dark green eyes only that much more noticable. I wrap my arms around myself, not really wanting to meet her gaze but unable to look away, I can't explain what I'm doing here. Why is she here?

Does she come to this room a lot? Every day? To remember what she's lost?

What I took away from her?

“Suzu,” my mother says carefully, her tone gentle, “good morning.”

The last thing I want is to stay and talk. I don't want to know why she's here and, and there's no reason for me to be here. I just nod, I start walking. I don't want to be in this room, I don't deserve to be here. I manage to tear my eyes away from my mother's troubled expression just before I pass her.

“Suzu, I--” She begins, but I'm in the hallway, and then I'm in the next room over. It's still early, too early, Hisao is sleeping like a rock, all cuddled up with my stuffed animal and Miki is lying on her back. She looks cold, and I guess, I guess that's a good thing, because I certainly feel cold too. Inside and out.

Stepping over Hisao carefully, I climb back into my bed, slipping under the covers next to Miki. She stirs at my arrival, opening her eyes and blinking at me groggily.

“Hey?” She moans, moving to close the gap between us.

“Bathroom.” I mumble quietly. She just makes an “ah” noise, and then she's asleep again. It's nowhere near the first time I've been envious of her, but I cling to her warmth as I force my eyes closed again and try my best to forget that I had ever left my bed.


When I finally wake up at a normal, proper time that is much later in the day, dark and cold things are retreating as Miki shakes me. Even if my best friend is leaving today, I'm happy to be in the waking world and not back... back there. And I'm happy to wake up in my own bed again.

After eating a big breakfast, we see Miki off at the train station. There aren't really any tearful goodbyes or anything, we have less than a week before school starts up again. I should probably be dreading that, but... okay, I'm dreading that.

It's not that I dislike Yamaku, it's not that at all. If it had really been an option, if my parents would have been okay with it and Hisao and Miki would have been there, maybe I would have even spent the entire break at school. At least that way I would have been eating prof... profiteroles... whatever. I would have been having cream puffs instead of... instead of nightmares.

One of those, I would like to have. Fairly often. The other I could do without, but... if the way things ramped up right after our three day weekend is any indication, they might just be moving too fast once we go back. If our classwork steps up too quickly and, and I keep falling asleep, who's to say it won't be anything like that college workshop? I still remember that panic, that sinking feeling in my gut, the voice that says “well, looks like we're not going to make it”.

I don't know. I don't know. And I guess that's even worse, but... the important thing is that it won't be like that day. Because, because Yamaku isn't the city, and I won't be by myself. I'm not by myself.

...For the immediate future, anyway.

For the even-more-immediate future though, or, no, the present, Hisao and I were sitting on the couch, just doing nothing, just watching TV, and then I fell asleep. But now I am awake... no, I'm, I'm awake... I just haven't opened my eyes yet. I can still hear the television, but I'm slumped sideways on the couch. I can feel Hisao's warmth nearby, he might even be sleeping too. Just when I'm about to sit up, a voice makes me change my mind.

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Suzuki.”

“Please, Hisao. I'm perfectly fine with you just calling me Sasami.” I hear the sound of my mother settling into one of the chairs in the living room.

I can just picture the uncomfortable look on Hisao's face at that. “I'd really rather stick with the first one, if that's all right with you.”

“That will work too.” My mom replies. Neither of them say anything for a little bit, this is getting kind of awkward.

“How has your stay been so far?” She asks, speaking up. She's her usual, composed self, she doesn't sound at all like she did this morning. Oh, right, this morning...

“It's been nice, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to come over.”

“Not at all.” My mother's tone begins to grow uncertain, I keep my eyes clamped shut. I feel bad for... I guess I'm spying on them, but I think sitting up now might be a bad idea, it might be the wrong thing to do.

“I'm glad that you're here, Hisao. Suzu seems to be doing much better now that you've arrived.”

There's a moment of silence as they're both probably turning to look at me, don't move, don't move. Just, breathe, slowly. I'm... I'm undetectable. You can't see me.

“That's actually why I wanted to talk to you, Hisao.” My mother continues.

He must be waiting for her to go on, and for once, she sounds like she's struggling to find the right words. Even though she has a joking side, she's always been the more straightforward, the more in-charge member of the duo that makes up my parents. To hear my mother hesitate is really troubling to me, I catch myself beginning to frown and quickly wipe any expression from my face.

“Hisao... my daughter isn't the best at opening up. And she might think she's sneaky, but both her father and I have seen that she's been struggling, since she came home from school.”

Silence. Hisao is probably nodding.

“So I wanted to ask you, as someone who she's able to talk to about these things. Because, for whatever reason, she refuses to come to us with her problems.”

She pauses, then picks up again.

“Hisao...” I can hear the frustration, the helplessness in her voice.

“Is my daughter okay?”

Seconds tick by, he doesn't respond for so long that the only thing I can hear is the beating of my heart. I can feel their eyes on me, now I really don't know if I should have sat up or not.

“I don't know.” Hisao says at last. He doesn't sound frustrated, but there's a hint of the same helplessness in his tone. “Sometimes she seems like she's fine, but then something will happen, and...”

“Actually, I wanted to ask you, Mrs. Suzuki.” I can tell that he had been looking at me before, but from the sound of things now, he's turned back to my mother.

“Yes?”

“What happened, the day of the college seminar? Suzu said that her nightmares had gotten worse after that, but she didn't tell me why.”

I--

“Her nightmares?”

Oh no.

“Well, yeah.” Hisao continues. I, maybe I should wake up now, maybe I should stop him. Stop them. It might be worth it now.

“It was the same, before my first visit. She told me that she had bad dreams, and they were getting worse because... well, because she knew she was coming home.”

Nothing. When my mother finally replies, she... she sounds broken. Defeated.

“I had no idea.” She says softly.

“What?” Hisao sounds like he doesn't know whether to be confused or appalled. “You mean she didn't tell you?”

Maybe my mom is shaking her head. “How long has she been... been like this? Still having the nightmares?”

“I don't know.” He says. I dare to open my eyes for just a fraction of a second and see him frowning deeply.

“I don't know. Maybe since before we met. Maybe since...” He pauses. Don't say it, Hisao, please don't. My parents don't need to worry about me, my parents need to know that I'm fine, that I'm okay. I want them to know that.

I want them to think that. Because I've already done enough.

“...maybe since what happened last year.” He finishes. Every ounce of my willpower goes into not flinching, not standing up and telling them to stop. I don't want to hear this. I don't want them to talk about me like this.

My mother's voice is calm, quiet. Restrained, but not angry.

“She told you, then?”

Presumably, Hisao nods. “When I was here before.”

She pauses again. “I'm glad. Hisao,” she says, “I really am grateful that my daughter has met someone she trusts enough to share that with.”

He doesn't reply, I guess there's not much to say to that. She continues.

“Did she tell you what happened afterwards? In the months that followed, I mean.”

“No.” Hisao says quietly. “She... she didn't really make it that far.”

“I see.”

My mother's voice regains that helpless tone. “I don't know if it's my place to tell you, Hisao. But if she's been having nightmares this whole time, and she never came forward... if that trip into the city for the seminar hurt her that much..."

Her voice dwindles to a whisper, my mother, who's endured the business world for decades. Reduced to a tired, shaken old woman by one girl's dreams.

“...then I don't know what else to do.”

Mom, mom, I... please don't talk like that, please don't sound like that, I'm sorry. I just didn't want...

I hear her stand up.

“Can you follow me upstairs, Hisao? I'd rather not risk Suzu waking up now, and I'm sure she'll be fine here.”

“What about Mr. Suzuki?”

“Susumu... her father, he loves Suzu very much. But he cares about our daughter being happy in the here and now. As long as he can make his jokes and see a smile on her face, that's all that matters to him.”

“But I'm the one who's been pushing her to look forward, because... because I want her to be happy for longer than that. I want Suzu to have a future, Hisao. She needs to be happy for a lot longer than just a moment.”

I don't hear her approach because of the thick carpet, but I feel my mother lay a gentle hand on my head, beginning to delicately stroke my hair.

“Because she deserves it, after everything she's been through.”

I.

I didn't know if I wanted them to leave before, I didn't know if I wanted to hear their next conversation or not. But I know now, I need them to go. I need them out of sight.

Because I'm not strong enough to hold this in much longer.

Her touch retreats, I can barely make out the sound of them making their way up the stairs. I wait a full ten seconds before finally opening my eyes and sitting up.

I pull my legs closer, hugging my knees to my chest while I desperately try to think. What do I do? Do I wait here, wait for them to finish and come back? Will they sit me down for a talk, or, or a group hug? Do I go somewhere else, maybe go back to bed or try to take a walk outside?

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what Hisao is going to say, what he's going to think, when he finds out how long I've been having my dreams. The things I did to escape them, the things my parents had to do to try to help.

I'm scared.

In the end it doesn't matter what I decide, it all becomes a moot point when I see the two of them coming back down from the second floor. Hisao doesn't look angry or troubled, he looks determined, and when he catches sight of me, he smiles. My mother just looks very, very tired, she smiles too, but she looks so old and worn out. The sinking sensation in my stomach gets a little bit worse, despite the reassuring smile Hisao is giving me.

I let go of my knees, trying to look calm and relaxed while bracing for something, anything, but nothing ends up happening. They both act like nothing is wrong, like nothing was ever wrong. But when my mother says something about getting dinner started and retreats to the kitchen, she and Hisao share a look. And then he sits down next to me, puts his arm around me, and just doesn't let go.