CHULA VISTA & CELL PHONES
The Securitas Security Service, charged with providing security for the USCIS Chula Vista Customer Service Center, has announced that it is taking complete control over security procedures at the Chula Vista site. “We will determine security policy and the government workers inside can do what they do. We won’t tell them how to give out visas and they won’t  tell us how to run security operations,” a Securitas spokeman declared. When asked about cell phone policy, the spokesman made it clear, “Debbie Rogers may know a lot of things and may look a lot like Paula Zahn, but she wouldn’t know an exploding cell phone if it blew her ear off. There will be no cell phones in Chula Vista while Securitas is in charge.” USCIS officials indicated they are preparing a response which they will issue in 63 to 94 days.

AILA NATIONAL
AILA National announced today a plan to take over the day-to-day running o f the local AILA chapters. “We feel at National that we have a much better sense of the mood of chapters and who can best lead at the local level,” an AILA spokesman announced to a meeting of its special leadership cadres, “and through more direct leadership we feel we can best advance AILA’s agenda.”

DRIVERS LICENSE
Representative F. James Sensenbrenner (R -WI), advocate for the the pending Real ID legislation heading towards the Senate, today announced he would introduce new legislation denying the right to drive to any non-citizen. “We all know that driving is a God-given right Americans cherish,” stated Sensenbrenner in a press release, “and like all of America’s most special rights, like voting and being President, it should be reserved for citizens.” When asked at a public appearance how the millions of non-citizens who go to work every day and contribute to the economy and pay taxes will get to work, he stated, “America cannot be all things to all people. Let them drive the hell in Mexico.”

BUREAU MERGER
Planners at the Bureaus of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Citizenship and Immigration Services, and Border and Customs Enforcement are meeting in Washington, D.C., this week to consider a plan to merge these Department of Homeland Security agencies into one mega-immigration department. “Our missions overlap in so many ways, it seems sensible for the organizations to be managed under one cental umbrella,” a Department of Homeland Security official who asked to remain anonymous, stated. “A big obstacle,” he added,“was to find a name for the new organization.”

IN ABSENTIA DECISION
The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, in a decision published today addressing a San Diego immigration court proceeding, held that being stuck in a  in an elevator is not an exceptional circumstance that would mandate the rescission of an in absentia removal order. The case involved an alien who arrived in court an hour late because he and his attorney could not get out of an elevator at the attorney’s office at the Chamber of Commerce Building, in downtown San Diego skyscraper, four blocks from the immigration court. The court wrote in a 2 to 1 decision, “The immigration judge correctly warned the petitioner in an earlier hearing to ‘expect the unexpected on hearing day.’ Being stuck in an elevator at the Chamber Building was not even an unexpected occurrence for which the petitioner should have planned, but rather was an expected occurrence he should have anticipated.” A brief dissent noted, “The guy was stuck in an elevator, for Chrissake. Even if it happens all the time, it is by the plain meaning of the words of the English language, an ‘exceptional circumstance.’”  In a related development, the San Diego Heritage Commission has designated the Chamber Building elevators as a historical landmark, barring any additional upgrading of them. The Commission wrote, “For 30 years the Chamber Building elevators have not worked. By now this is one of the few constants in an ever-changing downtown landscape that we hope to preserve.” The Commission indicated that the elevator interiors should remain as they have been for the last 30 years, including with the original safety permits remaining posted. The building’s owners expressed pride in the designation and noted that rents would likely rise as tenants appreciate the significance of working in a historical landmark.

BIA REGULATIONS
The BIA has promulgated new regulations to address the creeping delays in concluding cases. After trumpeting moves a couple of years ago to complete all cases in less than six months, the actual completion rate has been creeping up to nearly two years. The new regulations call for the Board’s sending the parties copies of the hearing tapes instead of a transcript, a major bottleneck in getting cases to Board members. “We can copy a tape with a bulk copier in a minute, while it takes a day to prepare a transcript,” said a Department of Justice spokesman. “All lawyers have tape recorders and can make transcripts on their own if they so desire,” the spokesman added. An additional measure to speed up adjudication is to send decisions on post cards with the name of the respondent and DHS printed on it with one or the other circled depending on who wins the appeal. “We have noticed how it takes a Board members a lot of precious time to type the two line opinions they now issue and stuff them in envelopes with a superfluous cover sheet. In an average day a Board member may do this 75 times. With a postcard with the winner circled, output could nearly double,” the spokesman noted. As an additional speed-inducing measure, the BIA will reduce the number of Board members to five.