hey everyone, it's me, and i feel like there's not much left of me at this point. i have so many creative ideas for so many different possible outlets, that i wish to follow, but just can't. not just talking about levels in video games, i mean like, standard sorts of art forms. writing, music, design, the like. there are so many possible directions and i feel like i'm blocking myself from each one. as i've been trying to normalize my life and stop thinking so much about things that i already acknowledge that i spend too much time worrying about, and try to move toward finding a tangible occupation or interest or just some way to keep myself afloat, i keep falling into these little madnesses where i imagine a better place for myself, but still never reach for it. in general, i've been really unhappy with myself for a long time, and i really don't know what my life needs. the few sparks there have been went out within short periods of time, and while there are people in my inner circle for me to talk to, this audience that i've built has too skewed of a perception of me as a person for me to want to bring anything of my life to their attention. it would be really nice to form something out of such a big group of people of which some i know would be willing to engage in my interests, but i feel like the negative aspects of it will trail me forever if i do that. when the time comes to rebrand and expand, it may turn me out a failure just because such a high percentage of them are so detached, seemingly, from the kind of person i am. the name i've given to and built for myself in the past half of my life really doesn't help much either. i'm not one to drop everything i've worked on and pretend i want it gone for good, but when i figure out what it is i'm good at and the things that i want to do, hopefully there will be people to see it, and appreciate it for real. i think i need something big to bring attention to my channel for when the time comes. until then, while figuring out how the hell to put things into place, i'll keep on cranking out some good ol' "watch me die constantly for hours in video game levels" streams for those of you who might know the kind of person i am to level with me if you'd like, and we'll see where i can take it from there. thanks. and thanks for caring enough about this disaster of a youtube channel enough to dig beneath the surface; you're one of the reasons i still do this.