Hello, so I've never been someone to post about my issues in a public space (usually in private discords or in pms with good friends), and people that don't really know me probably don't know I had issues to begin with. But I've had such a journey throughout the past 10 odd years that I finally feel comfortable enough to share and document it here.

Before depression even came into my life, I struggled with major anxiety, especially socially. Any remotely negative remarks could make me cry in school, which only made me an even easier target for it. This was in 2010 btw when I was 12. I made a group of friends when I was 14 (all girls which will come into play later) then helped me cope for a bit. Fast forward to 2014 when I was 16, one of those friends became my first girlfriend and I couldn't be happier. But that was also the time a string of shit happened in school: i was accused of theft as well as essentially being a pervert (taking pictures of them without permission etc) by the very same group of friends that helped me cope. They checked my phone, computer but didn't find anything so they let me off "lightly" with a suspension. Not sure if I should've been thankful. Because of that, I lost the only group of friends I had but still had my girlfriend. I wasn't clinically diagnosed with depression at this point yet but this is probably when it started. It hit me hard, hard enough to the point where I started cutting myself, I was out of it enough to walk off the height where my apartment was in an attempt to take my own life. I somehow survived due to the landing being all soft grass, and with no major permanent injuries. One of the most vivid memories that I woke up to was my girlfriend crying, which made me extremely guilty. I managed to pull myself together and try to live life properly again. This was also about when I found PS! and smogon, and funny enough these online interactions helped me immensely and made me learn how to talk to people better.

A year and a half down the road when we graduated the equivalent of high school, I broke up with my girlfriend. It wasn't anything major, but for those that don't know, Singapore has a mandatory conscription for 2 years for all males, so I was going to be doing that while she went to the states for college. We kept in contact but nothing much. When the 2 years were almost up, I lost 2 friends in a car accident and shortly afterwards lost a very close family member. Once again, I felt extremely alone and helpless. I had friends from Smogon but they realistically did not fill the void for me. The anxiety from playing the game didn't help. I ranted to some of them on discord and left off with some serious suicidal thoughts for a second time. The thing is, despite these online friends not filling the void, they were some of the truest friends out there. In my sleep, the friend I ranted to had informed some other people I was close to, including some smogon people I knew irl, in order to contact me. One of them from the states even called the police here and they showed up at my door at 6am. Again, I felt extremely guilty towards them, but my depression was still there and I was staying alive as a form of obligation to them.

A major turning point for me would be university. I was never the best at talking or involving myself with things, but what I knew I wanted was to make true friends irl like the ones I made online. I wanted to believe it was possible for me despite how things have turned out in the past. I took the leap to join as many things as possible that seemed remotely interesting. And it fucking worked. My anxiety issues still existed... a lot...but I finally felt that I had people to talk it out with and to support me. I don't know if it's because the people in university are older and more mature or whether I just got lucky. But I'm just glad I kept trying. Having people to support me gave me the time and energy to focus on other areas of my life, like what I wanted to do in the future. This was also when I decided to step away from contributing to Smogon. Those that know me definitely would know I was doing stuff almost 24/7 here. I knew it was just an escape and contributing made me feel like I belonged and could fit in with my friends.

I'm not saying that just because I found friends irl, bad shit stopped happening. During my freshman year, I briefly got together with my girlfriend again, but unfortunately, she got diagnosed with leukemia and passed on a while after. It was extremely painful for me to watch as she slowly weakened, but my friends supported me, and more importantly, I learned how to support myself. I learned how to push myself to keep going without thinking everything is pointless. A bunch of other things happened, but that's the idea.

Fast forward to now, I'm 22 in my third year and the friends I made as a freshman are still going strong. We have our arguments and my anxiety does pop up every now and then, but I can say I'm happy with my life. I keep myself relatively busy as well to drown out the bad thoughts while still giving me time to reflect. Also, I know what I want in life. The fact that I'm posting here also kinda shows that I learned how to let go of things here without completely just cutting myself off. In fact, I still talk to my friends from here on discord when I can.

Finally, to anyone that's struggling now, I can corroborate what other people already said where just having people there for you is an effective medicine. There is no guarantee when and where you'll meet good people, but keep pushing yourself to keep trying and taking leaps. I took a decade; some people might find it next year, some in two decades. The important thing about the question "will things get better" is that when it does get better, you'll know, but you cannot say for sure that it never will unless you decide to give up trying. After all, you gotta support and push yourself as much as others can. Hell if a wreck like me can persevere to this point, you guys can.

Thanks to anyone that reads this, in full or in part. Bye bye.