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- What am I doing every Friday at about 11pm?
- I’m thinking about what to play next FNM.
- You see, I’m a womanizer. I compulsively move from woman to woman, loving and leaving them all. Perhaps we bump into each other in the dark, smoky recess of a jazz club, the martini’s in our hand clinking softly. Maybe she’s doing her laundry at the same time, and as I lend her some detergent, I take the opportunity to comment on that terribly interesting red thong peeking out of her basket. It doesn’t matter how our paths cross. The end result is always the same. We have an explosive, passionate relationship, but like the duplicates in Futurama, we are ultimately doomed. It never fails. We have our sweaty tryst. I run my hand down their curves; explore the depths of their personality. We stay up until sunrise talking about anything and everything, and I explore every inch of flesh on her body. I love them, and they love me – but only for a week at a time.
- Except it’s not women, but decks.
- I love playing all different decks. I can’t help myself. There are just so many to enjoy. How could I limit myself to just one? I love the slow, smoldering intensity of UW. I cackle with glee as I warm my hands over my opponent’s charred corpse after his misfortunate encounter with my pile of burn spells. The unbridled power and shameless ambition of a green ramp deck leaves me weak in the knees. I feel something carnal stir inside me when my opponent taps out for just one turn and leaves me the opening I need to set off a combo that inevitably results in me smoking a cigarette, while my opponent slides back into his dress, trundles off, feeling unsatisfied and dirty, to walk the walk of shame. In the last few FNMs, I have played, off the top of my head:
- Turboland (genesis wave)
- Mono G Eldrazi Ramp
- Valakut Ramp
- A deck with 6 polymorphs
- UW control
- Naya Vengevine
- Pyromancer’s Ascension
- And it doesn’t stop there. I live vicariously through my peers; putting tools into their hands I simply don’t have time to play. I watch from over their shoulder, savoring the turn 2 argentum armor, nodding devilishly as his opponent is forced to lose his only land. I delight in hearing the post-game report of T1 Steppe Lynx, T2 Plated Geopede, feeling probably too satisfied knowing I was the one who picked the list, the one who tweaked the sideboard, and the one who lovingly selected the individual cards and molded them into something more than the sum of their parts.
- Oh sure, I return to the same ones occasionally. I still have my kinks, and some women just enable them so well I can’t stay away. I’ve been tempted by the eruptive power of Valakut a few times. Using Eye of Ugin to tutor Emrakul and casting him in the same turn? That leaves me quivering. Putting Annihilator triggers on the stack is something I try not to tell people about; lest they think less of me, but God do I love it. My most prominent fetish is lands. I don’t know what it is about them. I just can’t get enough. Turboland? She and I try to stay away from each other these days, because we are just so bad for each other. I was giggling – literally giggling – when I passed turn, 8 lands on the battlefield, to my Jund opponent, who was untapping for his 4th turn. I told anyone that would listen to my sordid tale, and I spared no vivid detail. (I wish I had the money for 43 lands.dec – although that would probably qualify as public masturbation.) I’m even thinking of sexting a fling I had a few months ago just because I heard she had some work done. I’ll miss your Time Warps baby, but I can’t wait to run my tongue over your Archive Traps. Scintillating. I even tried Vampires once, but that was just once night in college and I was drunk, so it doesn’t count. The worst part? These are just standard decks. I don’t even want to tell you what I do in kitchen table games. It’s disgusting.
- I’ve gotten a bit of a reputation. People know who I am. They point and whisper. “I heard he had 3 decks in one night!” “I saw him with Jace just last Friday, and now he shows up with Summoning Trap! It’s revolting! Has he no shame?” My opponents never have any idea what I’m doing. The ones that have yet to be informed of my hedonistic ways, upon sitting down across from me, will say out loud “Well, last week you were playing Mythic, so I guess my maindeck Sparkmages are pretty good this game!” while I smile politely, all the while picturing the Blightning slipping between Bloodbraid Elves and Leechs in my hands as I shuffle. The guys I play more often have wised up. They harbor no delusions. They exchange pleasantries and cut my deck, and don’t even bother trying to put me on a list until my first land drop.
- My friends are much more consistent. The one has been dating the same girl for 7 or 8 weeks. 7 or 8 weeks! What’s the point? Where is all the passion, all the suspense? You already know your opening grip before you look at it. “Oh look. Another T1 borderpost, T2 deft duelist, T3 mimeomancer, and then counters for the rest of the game.” Really? If you’re going to settle for the same company every night, at least pick something decent. There are some guys that have been playing the same list, with minor changes from set release to set release, for months. I can. Not. Imagine. Might as well kill yourself, because you’re already dead.
- Magic is a game of experiences. It’s about having fun with other people. Why constrain yourself to the same fun with the same people? If you lived a few blocks away from a certain little house down the street that always has 20 women on-site to give “massages,” would you pick the same one every time? I sure as hell hope not. Variety is the spice of life, after all. Take this opportunity to try different things. Yes, Mythic is (was) the best deck in the format. Sure, you stand a good chance of X-0ing FNM every week with it. You’re not gaining anything though. It’s certainly a blast to land the T3 Sovereigns. Trust me man, I was there. I was all about a 14/13 trampling lotus cobra. However, there is something real to be gained from deckstual experimentation. The sensation when you start taking infinite turns with an active Pyromancer’s and a looped Time Warp is completely unlike tapping for 11 (courtesy of Eldrazi Temple, of course) and Vindicating something before your 11/11 even resolves. You owe it to yourself to push your boundaries, expand your horizons, and all of those other platitudes. There may be things you didn’t even know you enjoyed. Are you a hardcore Mono Red player that would rather be strapped into a Vise than animate a Celestial Colonnade? Have you ever actually done it? I always hated counters as much as the next guy. Probably more. But showing your opponent leak when he tries to slip that Jace 2.0 into play and then slamming yours down next turn will change your opinions pretty quickly. (Plus, it feels a lot different when you sit down with a $1,000 pile of cards as opposed to a $200 one.) Maybe you only feel secure when you slowly fan your opening 7 and see at least 3 discard spells, delighting over your opponent’s pained look as you duress him, content in the knowledge that he will be topdecking no later than turn 3. Give Leatherback Baloth a shot. Just stand up, walk over there, and introduce yourself. What’s the worst that could happen? She tells you she’s not interested? We grow through challenges in life. Besides, you may just find she is totally into that foot thing you haven’t had the courage to admit you love even to yourself, much less anyone else.
- There are Spike reasons to play the field as well, for those of you that are into that kind of thing. I used to have a great deal of trouble playing against UW, and could never find the proper way to battle it. I would completely misread their hands, feared the wrong cards at the wrong times, and had no idea what was actually good against them. Once I took UW for a spin though, I had a much better understanding of what the deck did. I saw how it handled. While sitting behind the Glacial Fortress’ and Gideons, I learned to fear one type of card on the other side of the table, and similarly was relieved when they played out another. I understood what types of cards UW was likely to be holding, and what threats gave me real trouble. Later, when back on the other side, I was much more confidently able to play against UW. Sideboarding also comes much easier after being both the catcher and the pitcher. You would be surprised how quickly you figure out just which cards are safe to remove after you’ve been on the other side. I initially wasn’t sure about Joraga Treespeaker out of the board against UW. After piloting UW for a week though, I know very definitively that I did not want to see that card T1 if my T2 play was Wall of Omens. Meanwhile, I have a friend who abhors UW. He has also never tried running anything even remotely like it. Every week he has some absurd sideboard with roughly 11 cards just for that matchup, without realizing that taking that many cards out of his main deck makes his odds that much worse. I keep telling him to pilot UW once, just once – to get a feel for it. See how it works. He refuses. He also has something like a 6% win percentage against it, no matter what he is playing. Take that as you will. (He is also awful at sideboarding, but that is not the point.)
- Ultimately, playing with new decks frequently is just plain fun. I know that it’s a good idea to get comfortable and familiar with a list if you plan to compete with it. There is no substitute for practice. If you plan on playing something at a PTQ, don’t sleeve it up without any practice games and except to do well unless you’re Kibler. That is just unreasonable. However, don’t let real tournament preparation lead you down an entirely unsatisfying path of monogamy. Use events like FNM to date the girls you would never be able to marry, but you totally have to go out with, just once, because you heard she totally does that thing you’ve always wanted to try. Sure, Goblin Guide is already sleeved up and ready to punish any remotely slow starts, but that Venser over there in your collection is calling, ever so quietly, begging to go ultimate…
- Because, beating that same kid who takes it way too seriously every week is enjoyable, but doing it with a different list every single week – that is something to savor.
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