stuff

The holidays were kind of awful! My mother didn't come up or anything, it was just a bunch of memories coming up. I felt guilty not ringing anyone on Christmas but I just couldn't, I even went off at a friend for trying to get me to explain things with a mutual acquaintance I don't get along with.

Over Christmas/New Years (starting on the... 25th-27th, probably) I started getting strong urges to self-sabotage. Because I knew that killing myself would make everyone who cared about me spectacularly annoyed, I stopped sleeping instead. This is something I used a lot when I was a teenager. I couldn't afford to go to sleep, in case I got hurt when I wasn't aware of what was going on around me - I've always been a really heavy sleeper. So it might have been a trauma thing, feeling threatened and not feeling like sleep was safe.

Anyway, Olivia eventually went 'this is ridiculous and so are you, you need to get some rest', which was kind of hard because communication is spotty as hell right now, but she managed to help me ask for help and get into bed and sleep. I went to bed at 2pm and got up at around 6am, which is what is usually normal for me.

Either that day or the day after that - time's pretty blurry - I was talking to some friends who I work on a mutual project with, and made a passive-aggressive comment about something else I'd been left out of again, because there was something else I didn't know about going on there. Both friends involved ended up snapping at me for it, and we got into a bit of an argument, although by the end of it they were just worried about me because I was acting weird and they could tell stuff was wrong. I was having really bad anxiety attacks about all that, so I took some xanax to calm myself down.

A little while afterwards, my dad rang me with the express purpose of trying to get me to talk to my mother. I explained that I wouldn't consider talking to her until she got into therapy and started working on her problems, but his insistence that I be a good daughter and talk to my mother hurt me really badly even if I stuck to my guns on the outside. That fucked me up pretty bad, so I ended up taking 40mg valium and 25mg olanzapine and a bunch of booze because I was the Worst Daughter, and also the Worst Friend, and I should really stop existing.

Obviously that didn't really work out.

Horst got me to submit my bag of pills and booze to his friend who's staying here right now, which I probably should have done before but Horst was at work and I didn't want to involve a stranger in my problems. I drank a bunch of water and went to bed. Woke up still feeling pretty groggy, but I'm not dead yet.

I don't feel like killing myself acutely any more, so I think going to hospital would only make things worse. I think it was my dad calling and pressuring me to get in contact with my mother which pushed me from my normal suicidal ideation to actual suicidal gestures. Being on such a self-sabotaging streak probably made me weak to it too.

If possible, I'd like to work on strategies to get me through acute suicidal periods without trying to kill myself, even if it's in really ineffectual ways. The breathing didn't actually do that much to help. Self-harm did, but burning myself only went so far when I was in that state.

(I would have emailed you guys for help, but my dad rang me up at 6pm after the end of the work day. Sorry about that.)