CHAPTER 1: DEATH, MURDER, AND MUSCLES.

One day, poplep decided to use another fucking emoticon.
I grabbed him by the throat and lifted him into the air.
"I DON'T NEED TO KNOW YOUR EXPRESSION AT THE TIME!"
I yelled at him before mashing him frontside first into a wall, breaking his jaw, cheeks, and nose easily. I turned him towards me and couldn't help but snicker at his pulpy, bloodied, drooping face.
But then my rage came back and I rubbed a rag covered in acetic acid all over his face. He flailed wildly, screaming while grabbing at my large, hair-covered, masculine arms.
"CAN'T HAVE ANY EXPRESSIONS NOW, BEEEEEYITCH!!" I screamed at him, pulling his face close to mine, his blood wiping off onto my nose.
I then started swinging him back and forth, singing at the top of my lungs.
NOOOOOO
ONEEEEE
EATS LIKE ZIRCON
NO ONE BREATHES LIKE ZIRCON
NO ONE BITCHES AND COMPLAINS AND RAGES LIKE ZIRCON
I threw him head-first into a running ceiling fan with ease. A TAKTAKTAK noise emitted as the blades smacked him across the cheeks, before he fell to the floor in a slump.
I'M ESPECIALLY GOOD AT MASTURBATING
I walked up to him and punted him in the ribs, sending him sliding across the floor. I could hear at least 100 of his ribs snap, as my boots are made of titanium, and I am a super strong manly man with muscles of zirconium. Yeah, it's where I get my name.
I did a little scottish-russian dance to the music in my head, my eyes bugging out as the insanity settled in. I hopped over to the convulsing Poplep and grinned in absolute delight as he raised his head, looking dazed. His eyes had gone Derpy from the sheer force of my manliness. I didn't mind; It reminded me of one of my most favourite ponies.
I decided to try and stand on his head. I mashed the sole of my boot on top of his head, mushing his face into the floor as I thrust myself upon his globe. Almost instantly, his head burst like a watermelon from the sheer force of gravity, seeing as I weigh six tons of muscle. It was rather disappointing, as I had always wanted to stand on my head, but could not, so I seeked to stand on someone elses.
I looked down at his body with a sigh. What could I do now?
SUDDENLY, a bright light warped around me! I started flying through a tunnel at the speed of a Pinto! The light was blinding my masculine eyeballs, but I couldn't cover them. Everything went bright as I lost consciousness.


CHAPTER 2: I DON'T KNOW LOL
I awoke in a strangely cartoonish field. Sitting up, I looked around at the sights. There were a few trees at first, but then a small town came into my view. What exactly was this?
"Excuse me!"
I heard a rather cute and lovely voice from behind me and I turned my head to see this absolutely adorably winged...thing. What was it? I couldn't see clearly.
"E-Excuse me...um...W-Who are you?...If you want to..you know..tell me.."
I blinked and stared at the blurry yellow thing, What the dicknugget was going on? Where the fuck am I?
I managed to stutter something comprehensible as I continued to gaze.
"Mrrx drrrgh...hurrrr murrr...Bix nood..."
At least, I thought it was comprehensible. My vision was becoming clearer, the yellow thingy becoming sharped and clear to me.
"WHAT THE-"
I yelped as I tried to scoot myself back using my legs. The creature in front of me whimped and covered her head.
"P-Please don't hurt me!...I'm sorry...I-I'll just...I'll go.." I watched in confusion as she scurried away. Seriously. What the corn-riddled shitlog was going on here? I slowly stumbled to my feet, but my body felt so completely weird. It no longer felt muscly and strong, but instead I felt light and rather graceful. I still up, then fell forwards.
"Ooof!"
I blinked as I looked at my...What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?!
"GUH-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
I lifted my arms and stared at the golden yellow stumps on the end of my arms.
"Where are my HUAAAANDS?!"
I overdramaticized my voice, because I usually need to compensate for my low self-esteem, but this was truly shocking. I again attempted to stand up. My legs wobbled as I looked down at them. They looked similar to my arms, although slightly wider at the top as they curved into a rather round and symetrical rump. I fell forward again, flailing my arms before they patted against the soft earth. I blinked as I felt myself balance out as I was on all fours. It was actually a rather incredible feeling; I felt a lot more balance than I ever would when I stood on two legs, although that could be attributed to the fact that my upper body weighed 6 times more than my lower. Nonetheless I felt this incredibly wave of elation flow over my. I had to smile...grin...It was a huge grin as I bounced around with the new feeling.
"Fuck, this is awesome! Whatever the hell it is, it's fucking AWESOMEEEE!"
I remember a lovely song I had heard a few days before (ref: Rainbow Trololo) and decided to mimick it with my mouth.
OHH OHH OHHHHHH
BA DUM DA DE DA DUMDA
OHHH OHHH OHHH
BWINGBWINBWINBWINGGGG
I then stopped and stood still, sighing happily as I gazed with a satisfied smirk at nothing in particular. But wait! There was something in particular! It was a pink pony with very lovely straight hair wandering around a plaza inside the town. I knew exactly what I would do.
I would find out what the tits was going on here.
I trotted gracefully towards her; She kind of glanced around at all the other ponies in the plaza, a sort of mean look on her face. It didn't faze me one bit; I always looked mean at people before smashing their faces and inverting their rectums.
I trotted up to her and pomfed right in front of her, rather eloquently. I gazed awkwardly into her eyes as I introduced myself.
"Hello there!"
I paused for a second. Wow, did I ever sound handsome.
"My name is I don't know and I really don't know what the fuck is going on here. Would you mind helping me?"
She stared at me and grinned sinisterly as she lunged at me with a meat cleaver, slitting my throat and causing blood to pour like a waterfall onto the ground. I choked as she took a swift whack at my skull, before I blacked out.
Suddenly, everything whirred and sped up, noises surrounding me at high pitch like as if rewinding a tape. I was suddenly back at the area  just before the plaza. I blinked and stared as that same pink pony continued to wander.
I attempted to approach her 7 more times, each time being brutally murdered and returned back to the same place. I came to the conclusion that maybe she wasn't the one to approach, soon after.
I glanced around at all the other creatures in the plaza. A few more approachable-looking ones were mingling with each other, so I decided to attempt to gain some information from them.
But before I even got a chance to move, another, much bigger creature fell from the sky and landed with a huge KABOOM in the plaza, knocking myself as well as all the others to the ground. The other, much bigger creature was white and had a lovely sun-representin' tattoo on her ass. Her hair flowed like a stream in a lovely, edibly delicious-looking array of soft light colours. I gazed up as she looked around with a glare.
"ALRIGHT, MY LITTLE BITCHES! TIME FOR PONY POLKA!"
A loud shriek was cut off when suddenly all the creatures were poofed into much less detailed, lower rendered versions of themselves. They popped up onto their feet and started bouncing around the plaza to the sound of upbeat chiptunes coming from nowhere in particular.
"WHAT THE F-"
I managed to yell before being poofed into the same low-rendered being. I screamed loudly inside my head as I was forced to smile and bounce around everywhere.
"I WANNA GO HOOOOOME!!!"
I wailed in my head as I bounced up and down. I was forced towards a cliff and I tried to move back but I couldn't do anything. I had no more control over my limbs. I shrieked like a little girl as I awaited my impending doom.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"


CHAPTER 3: SEXY SEXY PONYFOLK
Just as I reached the edge, I was quickly pivoted and bounced in a different direction. I cried figurative tears and I flailed...figuratively. I managed to get a glimpse of the larger creature as I passed by. She had this weird grin on her face as the horn on her head glowed.
Suddenly, the music changed it's beat and I felt myself fly into the air. I poofed back into my alleged normal self as I reached the top of the boost. I flailed my weird-ass limbs as I plummeted to the ground, landing on my stomach. It didn't hurt, strangely enough. Usually when I fall 10 flights, I get a pang in my ankle, but this was nothing.
I looked up and some guy killed a pony. He had a nametag with "Kingcakes" on it.
I slowly stood up, my limbs shaking. Apparently, pony polka takes a lot of energy out of you. I looked towards where the larger creature was, but she had vanished like a turd down a toilet. I had no fucking clue what was going on still, but like a true manly man, I played along. I awaited for a moment for all the other creatures to regain their composure. Some just looked shaken up and exhausted, but a few of them had suddenly turned into cupcakes. I snickered at the though. Turning these pony-like creatures into cupcakes...Who thinks this shit up?
Wait a minute...
Pony-like creatures....
I perked up as a cartoon lightbulb appeared above my head. THAT'S what these creatures were! Ponies!
"AHahahahah!!! That's HILARIOUS!" I giggled and shook my head, sighing softly. These pony creatures looked almost nothing like the real-life ponies, but I decided to come to the conclusion just because dicks and spam fritters.
Spam fritters are delicious with bread, cheese, and ketchup.
I happily trotted towards the crowd of strangely now-normalized ponies, proud of myself for figuring out what the testiclefeathers was going on and what these things were. I looked around, and spotted a berry-coloured pony with...well, berries on her ass. A tattoo, I mean. She kind of wobbled everywhere, hiccuping as she stared around in a daze. She had a blush across her cheeks as she looked up at me. I gazed into her eyes as I felt a strange arousal inside me. She slowly moved up to me as I stared, completely enticed. My heart pounded as I awaited what would happen next.
DING!
Something went off in my head. What the fuck am I doing? This is fucking weird. I shoved her away and laughed before fleeing to the other side of the plaza. I decided to approach a weird-looking grey pony with a tramp stamp symbolizing bubbles, or some shit. I guessed her name was Bubbles, so I approached her, calling her by that name because I knew I was right because I'm always right.
"Hey, you must be Bubbles! I need some infor-"
Before I even had a chance to finish my beautiful sentence, she zoomed up and shoved a postcard in my mouth, flipping my pony ear upwards for some reason, I don't know. She stared at me with wonky, golden eyes, her wings flapping out of sync as she floated. I stared at her with a dumbfounded and kind of homosexual expression as she spoke in the most adorably dunced voice I had ever heard.
"YOU GOT MAILLLL!"
She then flew away, leaving me there with a piece of card stock, I assume 80 point, in my mouth. I spat it out and raged epically, my face contorting in exaggeration as my voice darkened to that of a really shitty screamo band vocalist.
"WHY CAN'T I GET ANY FUCKING INFORMATION HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!!!!!!!!"
I burst into flames and melted into a pool of colours. The whirring tape noise and whatnot came back and I zipped back to just before having cardstock stuffed in my mouth. I spat it out almost instantly and glared at the derpy pony. Hey maybe that's her name....Derpy. DERPY HOOVES! Haha, I figured another thing out about this fucking place.