Steven Universe/Rick & Morty Crossover

Didn't really organize them just pasted from my doc

RICK N PEARL

>Pearl: I seriously doubt a human being can fix the warp pad. even I've been having trouble with it getting to work and I-
>Rick: am a s-stuck up, fatheaded perfectionist who thinks e-e-every human being is a caveman banging sticks against walls yeah, I know that princess
>Pearl: N-NO! I-I was going to say that I'm the team's technician!
>Rick: Yeah well, y-you-your'e a really crappy technician because I already found the problem.
>Pearl: oh good...WAIT WHAT!?
>Rick: Yeah, y-y-your'e cross-destination jumping de*BURP*fraculator is fried because of the number of people you have been warping at once and the overall state of the, the defraculator itself, I-I-I mean, I mean look at this! how old is this defraculator!? And h-how often do you check your'e warping station for technical bugs?
>Pearl: I...I
>Rick: What? am I going to fast for ya pri*BURP*ncess?

RICK N GREG

>Whoa! Rick did you-did you see that!? those three ladies just, just blew up that giant monster, sea horse thing. wasn't that just the most amazing thing!
>Oh yeah Morty, it-it-it's great to see three fascists stroke the-the-their egos like big throbbing wieners.
>Wha-what are you talking about Rick?
>I'm talking about gems Morty, do you know what gems are Morty? do-do you know what gems are Morty!?
>Um...probably not in the context your talking about no.
>You see Morty, those three chicks over there, they're known as gems, gems a race of su-super evolved aliens from the Andromeda Galaxy, they think they're the most perfect and f-f-flawless beings in the universe, they-*BURP* became so enthralled with they're false sense of superiority that they started to wipe entire planets of beings that they thought were not evolved enough by they're standards. either because Gems operate in kind of a, a Manson family, cultish kind of society or...or because their mentalities or being perfect and what not is so fragile that they just commit genocide so they can feel better about themselves.
>Oh god Rick, that's horrible! but w-w-why would they be doing heroic stuff if their like, like rock versions of Hitler or whatever.
>My theory, their *BURP* trying to make people think of them as gods, Gem's operate in a cult-like society Morty theirs this, this thing called the Diamond Authority and-and-and *BURP* no doubt they came up with some "awesome" plan to suck unknowing people into it...you know what? you know what M-*BURP*orty. I'm gonna go talk them!
>Oh geez Rick, don't get yourself killed, not again!
>Rick and Greg are drinking beers in Greg's van
>Rick: So uh...M-Mr. Universe Steven is you're son right? so...why did you *BURP* let those gems take care of them, I mean y-your'e not in the best place financially speaking but I think at least he-he'll grow up to be a decent human being.
>Greg: Oh well...It's complicated Rick I mean, ever since Rose left I thought I would never do a good job raising him on my own and seeing he's half gem it'd be nest if he-
>*Spits out beer* WHAT, STEVEN IS HALF GEM!?!?
>Greg: wh...ummmm yeah?
>Rick: B-b-bu-but that's impossible, Gems are a fascists that cringe at the thought of a Gem breeding with a non-gem, they have their own bible explaining how that shit is "wrong" and all that stupidity!
>Greg: Really? Well...Rose wasn't like that all, Rose was different. and so are the Crystal Gems...Pearl however, I mean, I wouldn't call her a fascist but-
>Rick: GREG! You mean to tell me, that you managed to do the nasty with a Gem...with her consent, she loved you A-AND she wanted to carry S-Steven in her technically non-existent womb!?
>Greg: Well...yeah, like I said Rose was different, she's the sweetest gal you'd ever meet...do you mind letting go of my shirt?
>Rick: Holy F*CK, this t-this is amazing, a Gem that's actually a decent person!? This is like the greatest discovery since the cure for cancer!
>Greg: Cancer hasn't been cured.
>Rick: Actually, I-I found the cure for cancer, I just ne*BURP*ver told anyone.

RICK IS /CO/

>Morty: Seriously, y-y-your'e messed up Pearl, you have a screwloose! I mean, I mean Rick puts me through a lot of crap but at least he doesnt have me in a death cult or whatever and tells me that I'm worthless and have no value. Y-You're sick, sick in the head. I-I-I-I mean...i'm surprised Steven isnt dead yet with you even having any involvement!
>Pearl: How DARE you! I'm trying to teach you about honor, tradition and the way of the sword and this is how you thank me!? plus, I am a good guardian! much more sufficient then that...that, CRACKPOT SCIENTIST! Right Garnet!....um Garnet?
>Garnet: Um *cough*...he has a point Pearl.
>Pearl:....what!?
>Amethyst: yeeeeeaaaaah, telling people that they're worthless and junk, that's messed up and the fact that we have to tell you that's messed up is...messed up.

RICK N GARNET

>All characters are in the temple
>Rick: So uh...let me get this straight y-you gems are in charge of this, this Stephano kid and you bring him on insane quote on quote "magical" adventures.
>Pearl: Yes, and you of all people are judging us on how we raise Steven?
>Rick: Well *BURP* kinda I mean I-I take my grandson here on sci-fi adventures all the time to make scientific d-d-discoveries and what not a-a-a-and meet a bunch of...cr-crazy people. but it's just, seeing that you're gems I find it hard to believe that his father allowed you take care of *BURP* of him.
>Garnet: So, you're saying that because we're not human means we're not fit to take care of Steven and take him on missions we see as suitable for him.
>Rick: T-that's exactly what I was aying b-b-b-but don't think that I'm some kind of Xenophobic i-idiot that d-d-doesnt know anything alright? May I remind that I studied your kind and you're culture for a good chunk of my life. so....y-y*BURP* yeah, don't be surprised if I think it's sketchy that you're in charge of a human child.
>Garnet: Well then, we'll just have to see how you take care of your'e grandson and see how they compare.
>Rick: Oh no no no no no no, don't look through someone else's portal gun history alright? n-n-not cool hotness.
>Garnet: I'm not talking about you're...strangely advanced piece of technology I'm going to use what Steven calls, my "Future Vision" to see what adventures you take Morty on...or rather what you WILL take him on.
>Rick: Oh yeah, b-because that's not an invasion of privacy either *takes a sip from his flask*
>Garnet places her hands on the sides of her head and looks off in the distance. she then sets them to her side and looks back down.
>Pearl: So...what did you see?
>Garnet: *Vomits violently*
>Rick: Pfffft, HAHAHAHAHAHOHOHOhohoh, oh man, I never saw a Gem do that! HAHAHAHA, look Morty, M-Morty, Morty look! her puke is burning through the floor, aaaaaaw MAN it's like something out of Alien!

RICK AND PERI

>Peridot: AAAH! WHO ARE YOU!?
>Rick: I-I'm Rick Sanchez, how are you doing?
>Peridot tries to shoot Rick but he pulls out a ray gun and shoots Peridot at her feet.
>Rick: No, no, no, no, no I don't think so D-d-don't pull a quickdraw move at me okay I got the fastest fingers in three galaxies Gem! Now what t-t-the hell are you doing huh? I swear you Gems are always coming up with some stupid comic book villain tier master plan to destroy shit that's not yours.
>Peridot:.....Well, seeing you have a gun pointed at me and you look like you are indeed insane. I guess I have to comply and tell you my experiment.
>Rick: Y-Y-Yeah, brilliant deduction their EVE now c-*BURP* cough it up.
>Peridot: I am trying to reactivate a breeding station my species calls "The Kindergarten" I'm also doing experiments concerning a process called fusing something you humans wouldn't-
>Rick: You want to reactivate the Kindergarten because your species is dying out due to intergalactic law cracking down on your'e stupid invasions and the war between the rebellion and the rest of G-G*BURP*Gem-kind and you want to create quick, danceless artificial fusing for unstoppable super soldiers to take back the E-Earth and shit.
>Peridot:...How...How do you know-
>Rick: E-e-ever heard of Good Morning Universe? sometimes getting up at five in the morning on Fridays pays off I guess...also I'm, I'm a g-genius.
>Peridot: You're just a human and yet you know so much.
>Rick: Yeah no shit, now listen I want you the f*ck off this mud clod I call my home alright, this world can be real shitty at times but y-y-you know what? a-at least it's not your'e stupid Mad Max/Judge Dredd/Super Mario Brothers the movie shit-hole of a planet you call home.
>Peridot glares at the old man in disdain but tiredly exhales and decides to pack up
>Rick: Oh, oh, oh and also...o-one *BURP* more thing, You know...Peridot, t-the gemstones, it's a symbol of kindness, so you know...start acting like it...or not I don't care.

WE'RE GONNA ENTER YOUR DR-DREEEEAMS STEVEN

>Rick: So uh...uh S-St-Steven right?
>Steven: Yeah? what's up Rick?
>Rick: Listen, I w-w-was listening to your moms or whatever a-and I heard them talk about some other Gem named Lapis L-La-*BURP*zuli w-what's that about?
>Steven: Oh...well, Lapis is a friend of mine who fused with this mean Gem from Homeworld called Jasper and now they're fusion is somewhere in the bottom of the ocean and even though Lapis is keeping her and Japser trapped...we don't know how long it will last.
>Rick: *BURP* s-s-so so let me get this straight, their is a pissed off Gem fusion under water right now that could be unleashed upon the world at any moment and your'e trying to find her and prevent that.
>Steven: Yeah!
>Rick: Wow, no offense Steven b-but, but those Crystal Gems are idiots I-I-I mean...we have a pseudo-Lovecraftian abomination about to be released at any given time and yet they don't even take care of this problem sufficiently?
>Steven: HEY! they're trying their best!...how would you do it?
>Rick: I'm glad you asked, first I would do what marine biologist have been doing for years, send drones and countless amounts at that, y-y-you see Steven the Gems don't have any of the technology they're home*BURP*world has which is a huge disadvantage...superhuman strength and stamina can only get you so far e-e-e-especially when you need to freaking breath. b-b-bu-but with that aside it baffles me that they didn't come up with the bright idea of just falling asleep and find her through the dream-dream*BURP*sc-scape.
>Steven: Yeah...wait WHAT!?
>Rick: wha-oh, oh, oh yeah, Gems are natural Astral projectors, if they go to sleep th-they, they can go to places they...only DREAM ABOUT! WUBUDUBU-DUB-DUBS! HAHAHA you get it Steven? Steven you get? because of dreams!?
>Steven: No I know that, because I did it once! I met Lapis in my dream but I still couldn't figure out where she is...none of the gems can't.
>Rick: Welp, I guess i-i-it's up to good ole' humanity once again.
>Rick pulls out a very small device from his lab coat.
>Steven: What's that thing?
>Rick: T-t-this, this right here Steven, this little bugger that I i-i-invented, allows people to enter other people's dreeeeaaaaams Steven!
>Steven: Wow, really!?
>Rick: Yeah, Yeah Stevie, b-bro I got a plan, You go to sleep and meet Lapis a-a-a-and I'll follow you into the dreamscape and-and pull off some real good...uh, um s-s-sciency stuff to-to-to pinpoint her and her...life partner's exact location Steven! we can do this together! we-we-we can w-wrap up this story *BURP* arc nice and tight a-a-a-and pave the way for more interesting p-plots for future episodes, Stevie.
>Steven: Um...you lost me at that last part but...yeah, let's try it!
>Rick: G-*BURP*great I need another reason to prove that I'm better then Pearl.
>Steven: What?
>Rick: N-nothing go to sleep
>Rick puts the dream device in Steven's ear and turns it on, causing him to fall asleep and fall on his face. Rick climbs into Steven's bed and activates his dream device, falling asleep as well. Rick is in Steven's dream and sees that it's an open field.
>Rick: Steven?
>Rick hears giggling belonging to Steven and a feminine voice. he looks around to see a the back of a large woman with flowing pink flocks.
>Steven: I'm so happy that your'e here mom!
>Rose: and I'm happy to be back Steven, my sweet, sweet child.
>Rick: O-o-oh boy, I-I-I was afraid that something like this would happen. Yo Steven!
>Rose: Huh, Steven who is this odd man?
>Steven: Oh that's Rick he's uhhhh a good friend of mine?
>Rose: Oh! well, it's very nice to meet you Rick.
>Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah it's nice to meet you too Not-Rose. Ste*BURP*ven come on! we're on a mission remember? we gotta go to Lapis a-a-and find out where the fusion is hiding S-Steven.
>Steven: Rick...I know this isnt actually my mom but, i never met her and I'm constantly told how great she is so, can you just let me have this moment?

RICK F-FUCKS WITH RONALDO
>Amethyst: Hey Rick, do you see that guy over there?
>Rick: W-what y-y-you mean that social outcast that will most likely grow up to have a preserved brain collection of his vi-victims?
>Amethyst: Yeah, he believes in pffft, snake people HA! you wanna mess around with him!?
>Rick: Well f-f-f*BURP* first of all, What he calls "Snake People" are real, they're called Chukitans but the conspiracy theories of them trying to create a governmental takeover on Earth is false...but yeah l-l-let's fuck around him!
>Rick: Hey...uh R-Roberto!
>Ronaldo: Wha- excuse me, my name is Ronaldo! and who are you?
>Rick: M-my name is uh...L-Lucifer Valentine a-a-a-and I'm a scientist for the government and uh, me and my crew have been watching you for quite some time now.
>Ronaldo: I KNEW IT, the government IS watching us!
>Rick: Y-y-yeah, yeah sure but we've been doing it for a good c-cause y-you see Rolo we-we have taken notice of your'e concerns with uh...snake people
>Ronaldo: Sneeple!
>Rick: Yeah, yeah! I'm here to say th-that your'e right Roberto they're REAL, Sneeple are REEEEAL and they're here!
>Ronaldo: I KNEW IT!
>Rick: Th-th-they're planning something Ralph, they're p-p-pla-planning something b-*BURP* BIG! but we can stop them!
>Ronaldo: How? How can we stop the Sneeple!?
>Rick: You g-gotta l-lick my balls Roberto!
>Ronaldo: WHAT!?
>Amethyst: HAHAHAHA! *Amethyst runs away laughing to prevent distraction*
>Rick: Y-y-y-you gotta trust me Roberto, I hate throwback jokes as much as the next guy b-b-b-but Sneeple hate the sight of...of b-balls being licked, they can *BURP* sense it, every sneeple in a 20 mile radius will, will explode after you're tongue makes contact with my balls.
>Ronaldo: I-i-i-i-is their any other way?
>Rick: No Roberto this is the only way, heroes make sacrifices Roberto...a-a-a-are you up to the task of being a *BURP* hero?
>Ronaldo:....yes, yes I am!
>Rick: Then lick my balls Roberto, lick my f-f-fucking balls!

THE KINDERGARTEN
>Steven, the gems, Rick & Morty are at the Kindergarten.
>Morty: O-o-o-o-o-o oh god, w-what is this place!?
>Pearl: It's called a Kindergarten Morty, and it's-
>Rick: *BURP* a gem b-breeding station
>Pearl: Ugh! I was just going to say that!
>Rick: Yeah well...*BURP* I said it it first so I guess I'll just continue telling M-Morty about it a-a-and seeing how freaking sheltered Steven is in BOTH of his cultures i-i-i-it's a good idea for him to listen to.
>Pearl: *angrily scowls at Rick*
>Rick: N-n-n-now what was I saying?...OH yeah! y-y-y-you see Morty, Gems don't reproduce the same way humans do, th-th-they d*BURP*on't even have genders, th-they basically reproduce like trees, th-th-they plant gem shards and remnants of they're ancestors in th-*BURP* the soil and they act like seeds absorbing the nutrients around them until they fully grow. Then one day they found out t-th-that they were d-destroying their planet from all those years of just existing so they went to other planets to kill off and preserve their d-d-di-disgusting p-parasitic kind.
>Pearl: OH CUT IT OUT!
>Rick: What? okay, a-a-am I wrong, huh? D-do, do, do I have to check my facts Pri*BURP*ncess!?
>Before Pearl or anyone else can say anything a huge deformed mass of limbs erupted from the ground and attacked the group of humans and gems
>Morty: OOOOH GOD WHAT IS THAT!?
>Rick: HOLY CRAP, y-y-ye-yeah I'm with Morty w-w-what the shit is that!?
>Garnet: It's...it's a fusion
>Rick: J-Jesus C*BURP*hrist, that thing is a fusion!? it looks like if someone put a Silent Hill enemy in the microwave for too long.
>Garnet: It's a forced fusion....created by that heartless Peridot!
>Rick: W-w-w-wh-what the F*CK seriously!?
>Morty: F-forced fusion, W-w-w-what does that mean!?
>Rick: M-M-Morty, Morty fusion is l-like the Gem's equivalent to sex Morty, t-that means b-b-by that logic this thing is a rape monster! it-it's literally made of rape Morty!

Hypothetical chance meeting
>W-well Morty here we are, Earth SU-27. A-*BURP* all of human civilization here has secretly been influenced by an ancient race of genderless, superpowered l-lesbian space rocks. Here, I'll stand guard while you search around for that replicator
>Whoa Rick th-that's pretty crazy I mean what sort of stuff should we expect to-
>Trust me Morty we're better off just grabbing what we came here for and leaving as fast as possible, y-you don't want to start associating with these, these "gems", it's like an ep-episode of The Real Housewives around here, except they can all crush human skulls like eggs and-
>Pearl is that you? Who's that scared looking stranger rooting around in the fridge?
>Oh Jesus look at that Morty it-it's some kind of horrific half-human gem*BURP*bomination! The gems must have figured out a way to breed with human beings to create a new slave race! Run Morty, Run before it tries to unload some of its emotional baggage on us!

Hypothetical chance meeting 2
>Morty: Holy shit Rick what's happening? W-what the hell is that?
>Rick: It's a giant woman, Morty. Th-they're turning into a giant w*burp*man with with six arms Morty. With six arms and two heads Morty
>Morty: Oh jesus
>Rick: And they're going to get you Morty! The giant woman is going to hunt you down Morty. She's going to eat you with one of her many faces Morty
>Morty: I- I... jeez Rick I don't want to be eaten y'know
>Rick: Relax Morty. There. It's dead.
>Morty: What?
>Rick: I killed it Morty I d-disrupted their hard light constructs wi-with a big laser Morty. They're all dead Morty. Now help me gather up these gemstones Morty.
>Morty: Rick what the hell are these things?
>Rick: They're their souls, Morty. Alien souls. You crush these babies up, snort them, you get a powerful high Morty. You'll be buzzing for hours Morty.
>Morty: Yeah I mean y'know Rick this is kinda messed up y'know? Can- can we get out of here now Rick? This purple one is buzzing pretty badly
>Rick: MORTY drop it now!
>Morty: Oh my god oh jesus what the hell Rick what is it
>Rick: One of the gems has tried reforming itself Morty it's all messed up and deformed Morty don't worry about it .There. It's dead, forever. You happy Morty? You should be thanking me Morty
>Morty: It's all over me Jesus Christ
>Rick: Relax Morty it's all going to be over soon. In a moment the high is going to kick in and you're not going to feel much of anything for a while
>Morty: Ri...rick I'm... blu
>Rick: Shhhhhh. Relax Morty. I'll I'll see you next week dawg