Matters Of The Heart (ch4)

Hopefully you're willing to stick with the story after that last chapter. Patience is a virtue, as they say.

Disclaimer: I do not own Little Witch Academia.

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													Chapter 4. Depression

Akko wakes with a dryness in her throat and an ache in her head.

Not for a second, even when she'd been asleep, had she forgotten about the events that had transpired last night.

She opens her eyes right away, and finds her vision clouded by soft white wisps of hair. Her hand is still resting atop Diana's stomach, and she is still curled snugly into her side. She pushes herself up on her elbow and checks Diana over, relieved to find she's still resting, and the breathing mask is in place. Her heart monitor is reading a steady pulse as well. Akko lets out a sigh of relief.

For a while, she lies there beside her, threading lazily through her hair, or tracing the pads of her fingers over her collar. But before much longer, Akko knows the nurse will be coming in.

So she plants a small kiss on Diana's cheek and then slides herself off the bed. When their nurse comes in soon afterward, Akko breaks down in tears as she tells her about what had happened last night. She laments because she didn't go to inform her right away, when she knew she should have. But the woman merely pulls Akko into a comforting embrace before going to check on Diana for herself.

Akko stands at the foot of the bed, whimpering and wiping her eyes repeatedly until Nurse Isabella returns to her. She tells Akko that Diana had evidently suffered a serious shock and panic attack due to her painkillers having run out. The woman takes the blame for that herself, because she hadn't given Diana the proper dosage.

At the very least, Diana is stable now.

Akko waddles back to her bedside, and moves aside the chair she no longer uses. Instead, she sits on the bed directly, as close to Diana as possible. The nurse heads off to fetch breakfast.

Akko pets through Diana's hair softly, smoothing out the little knots and tangles that had formed last night during her scare. She takes care not to tug a single strand before moving on to smooth out Diana's robes.

Once again, she finds herself alone in a room with two people.

The monitor beeps as usual, fluctuates when it should, and then returns to its usual pace. Akko can still make out the tiny nail marks on Diana's collar. They aren't quite as red any longer, but they are still there; faint pink reminders of what happened, and just how badly it must have hurt her.

Akko spreads her own fingers and covers the marks with them, wishing she could rub them away. Given all the excruciating agony Diana has suffered, it isn't fair that Akko can't at least erase those tiny little marks.

The nurse returns, and Akko eats her food very slowly. But her stomach is still upset, so she only eats half of her food.

She spends a while in her shower that morning, listening to the hissing of the water. This is the only time she can't hear Diana's heart. It makes her a little anxious. She fears coming out of the bathroom and returning to a room filled with a monotone, flatlined alarm.

After Diana had been hurt, Akko had spent nearly an hour in her showers, simply to try and wash away the scent of the blood clinging to her skin.

But now, she doesn't spend longer than twenty minutes cleaning herself off before she's changed into fresh clothes and hurried back into the main room.

Diana is still asleep, and Akko's not sure if that makes her more relieved or anxious.

She takes care sitting down beside her again, and reverts back to her previous task of caressing her cheek and petting her hair. She talks to her, trying to maintain a smile through it all.

"Morning, Diana," she murmurs. "I hope you're... you're feeling a little better. I know you need your rest, but... please wake up today..."

She's already lived through far too many days where Diana didn't wake up.

But if she's hoping for a fairytale miracle, she doesn't get it.

Because Diana doesn't wake just because Akko wishes she would.

Akko waits for several hours, busying herself with tending to Diana and keeping an eye on all the levels of the fluids flowing into her wrist. She's almost faded off into a doze when the nurse comes in to beckon her away.

"Just for a moment," the woman says.

Akko follows her into her personal office, where she reveals her desk to Akko. On it, are several little get-well gift bags and letters addressed to Diana and herself.

Akko begins tearing up right away as soon as she picks up a letter from Lotte in her right hand, and one from Sucy in her left.

The nurse urges her to have a seat and read them, so Akko obliges. She wipes her tears away so they won't stain the letters.

As she reads them over, she chuckles a little by how easily she can hear each letter spoken in its respective writer's voice.

"This sounds just like Sucy..." she mumbles. "At first glance, she seems composed, but when you read closer, you can tell she's concerned. As for Lotte, she's just worried all across the page."

They both express their hopes that Akko and Diana are recovering swiftly. Since all other students were sent back home for a while, Akko knows she won't be able to see her teammates in-person again for at least another few weeks. But she makes a mental note to reply to their letters as soon as possible.

Akko re-reads the letters a few times each, then folds them up neatly and slips them back into their envelopes. She thanks the nurse for delivering the letters to her, then picks up the baggie meant for Diana and returns to her.

She puts everything on the bedside table and returns to her vigil.

Resting her hand atop Diana's head, she traces her fingers along her hairline, running them all down the length of her wavy highlights.

She begins to count how many of Diana's heartbeats go by, but keeps losing her number, so she resorts to simply counting the extra beat every several seconds.

It makes her wonder how many of Diana's heartbeats had been lost after the sorcerer had attacked her...

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A short while after noon has passed, Akko eats the rest of her leftover breakfast and re-read's her friends' letters. She gets up only to fetch a feather-pen and a notebook before returning to her spot to begin writing responses.

She's just finished her letter to Sucy when she notices Diana stir from the corner of her eye. With a small gasp, Akko puts everything aside on the table and gives Diana her full attention.

Akko moves her hand down to Diana's and holds her there as she finally manages to open her eyes again. She looks up at Akko right away, and does her very best to smile. Akko reflects it.

"Ahh, I-I'm so glad... Just take it easy for a minute. Don't rush."

Diana heeds her advice for a few minutes until she's willing to remove the mask herself.

Of course, the memories of what happened last night crash over her like a suffocating wave. But she fights through it, pushing it all away.

She inhales, and is surprised to find it seems to be a little easier for her to do so now than it had been even yesterday morning. The breath doesn't hurt any more going out than it did going in.

While she's relieved to discover there isn't any pain in her lungs, she doesn't make an effort to move just yet. After all, the last time she'd sat up in this bed, it had nearly killed her.

Akko can infer what's troubling her, and she tries to assure her.

"It's okay, Diana. The painkillers are working. But if you don't wanna move just yet, I understand. It's okay." She strokes the back of Diana's hand patiently. But she's hardly surprised when Diana clears her throat and makes her decision.

"No... I will..."

To prove as much, she braces her weight on her elbows and begins sliding herself up. Akko hurriedly reaches out to support her back.

"H-Hold on! Lemme help."

She supports the majority of Diana's weight, though it really isn't a lot, considering how much muscle she's lost over the past week and a half. Akko re-positions the pillows and makes sure they will keep her up, then eases her back against them. She keeps a hand on Diana's shoulder just to be safe, her eyes and voice laced with a bit of uncertainty.

"Are you okay? Does it hurt?"

Diana doesn't answer right away. She lifts a hand to her chest, an action that sends another surge of worry shooting through Akko's stomach.

"Diana? What is it?" She covers Diana's hand with her own, then gently moves it aside. She rests her palm at the center of Diana's chest to feel for her pulse. "Is it your heart? Does it hurt? Should I-"

"Akko..." Diana smiles and rests her hand over hers now. "I am fine. There... is not any pain. At least... not as much."

Akko lets out a breath she isn't aware she'd been holding.

"Okay... That's good..." She purposefully moves her hand a bit so it covers the marks on Diana's chest. "H-How about your lungs? You've had the mask off for a few minutes already."

Diana tries something she hasn't attempted yet. She hums, a small, thoughtful sound.

"You know... it is strange, but... I believe what happened last night... helped my body remember how to breathe on its own a little more effectively."

Baffled, Akko blinks.

"R-Really?"

When she thinks about it, it sort of makes a bit of sense. Due to the intense pain she'd been suffering, Diana had been more or less forced to breathe on her own for the most part last night. It had been awful at the time. But now, it seemed to have had a small beneficial aftereffect.

/Good,/ Akko thinks. /It's about time things started going right./

The good news makes her happy enough to pull Diana in for another soft hug, which Diana reciprocates. When they part, they share a brief kiss before Akko claps lightly.

"Okay! Do you wanna try eating something?"

Diana glances down into her lap.

"Perhaps... not just yet..."

Akko isn't thrilled about her response, but she definitely understands it.

"Okay. But at least drink some water...?"

Diana agrees that she's feeling terribly parched. So Akko grabs a small bottle of water from the table and opens it for her. She pats Diana's shoulder as she drinks, moving her hair back out of her face for her. When she's finished, Diana thanks her. Akko leaves her with a kiss, then calls in their nurse.

The woman draws the curtain and helps Diana with her usual routine. Once Akko is permitted in, she's back at Diana's side in seconds.

Diana's hair is damp, as Nurse Isabella had washed it for her, so Akko pulls it lightly over her shoulder so the water won't seep into her back and make her cold.

It is now that Akko decides to present Diana with her gift bag.

"Here," she says, placing it in her lap. "It's for you."

Diana's eyes widen, and Akko actually makes out a slight blush across her cheeks – the first color she's seen there in weeks.

"For me...?" Diana repeats.

"Yeah! From Hannah and Barbara! Everyone's been sent back home for a while, but our friends sent us both get-well gifts!"

Akko hears it when Diana's heart rate picks up just a little bit, but not for a bad reason.

"Aww, Diana! You didn't think they wouldn't send you anything, did you?"

"I... was not expecting it..."

"You're too cute, you know that?" Akko pecks her cheek, and Diana hides her face in her hair.

When she's ready, she removes the wrapping paper from the little gift baggie.

Inside are two envelopes, one from each of her teammates. Diana lays them aside for now and removes a small box from the bag. With Akko's help, she tears off the tape and opens it.

Inside is a small vase, enchanted with a spell to keep the water inside from spilling. Two flowers – one orange and one purple – stand neatly together at the center.

Diana blinks, almost disbelieving at the gift.

Akko, on the other hand, is more vocal.

"Ooh, how nice of them! They can be a pain sometimes, but they're really good girls, aren't they?"

Gradually, a small smile curves at the corners of Diana's lips.

"I would have to agree."

She hands the vase to Akko, who makes a place for it on the bedside table. The flowers bring a calming scent into the air, one that will undoubtedly help soothe Diana's aching lungs.

As Diana reads the letters from her friends, Akko gives her some privacy and re-reads her own.

The rest of the evening passes them by peacefully, and before long, they are curling up together for bed. Diana claims she is going to spend the night without her mask. It takes some convincing on her part, but Akko eventually agrees.

But she's still determined to see Diana fall asleep first, so Akko will be able to make sure she can breathe all right on her own. She cuddles up to Diana as much as she's able to, and kisses her to sleep tonight.

Once Akko is satisfied that Diana can breathe easily, Akko can, too.

She closes her eyes, and falls asleep beside her in a room that is filled with only moonlight and the scent of flowers.

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Over the next few days, Diana's condition steadily continues to improve. She no longer requires the breathing mask, not even at night.

Nurse Isabella takes her off the heart monitor, and Diana is admittedly relieved that she no longer has to listen to her own pulse, and that no one else does, either. The woman also removes her IV and instead gives her pills on a daily basis that will act as painkillers as well as vitamin supplements.

Both girls are glad to hear there is no medication mandatory for Diana's heart murmur, because it isn't something that requires treatment.

The next major task for them to tackle is helping Diana get out of bed and remember how to walk.

Diana is certain that shouldn't take very long.

But as soon as she's got her legs over the edge of the bed, feeling the floor beneath her bare feet is strangely foreign to her. Akko braces her arm across her back to support her, waiting until Diana has adjusted.

"Just take it slow," she says calmly. "There's no rush." Akko encourages her with another kiss to the cheek.

Diana does her utmost best to stand. She has to cling to Akko, and in the end, she really only gets to standing because Akko is supporting most of her weight. But Akko doesn't mind.

Diana tries to get accustomed to this feeling that used to be so common – the feeling of gravity, of the weight of her own body. The robes suddenly feel too heavy against her skin, as does her hair. She tries to swallow down a grunt, but it catches in her throat and comes out as a whimper.

Attentive as ever, Akko pats her back softly.

"Dizzy?"

"...A bit."

"Okay. Let's sit down for a second."

Akko eases them both back down onto the bed. She knows Diana's going to start feeling guilty for not being able to stand right away, so before she can get upset, Akko takes her mind off of it with a kiss. Diana sighs against her lips, then steels herself.

"Again."

Akko gives a determined nod. Once more, she helps Diana to her feet.

As soon as Diana's gotten her bearings, she takes a step forward. She wobbles, but Akko steadies her until she finds her balance.

Step by step, with painstaking slowness, Diana begins to walk across the tiled floor. It isn't long before she feels a slight pain in her chest, one that makes it a little harder to breathe.

Akko quickly digs into her short's pocket and retrieves an inhaler the nurse had given her for emergencies. She holds it to Diana's lips and urges her to breathe in.

The device does its job, and Diana calms down within a minute or so. Akko puts the inhaler back into her pocket and rubs her back for her.

"You okay?"

Diana nods.

"Yes. Please... just a bit further."

Cautiously, Akko guides her across the room. With every step, she can feel that Diana is relying less and less on her for balance.

They turn, and make their way back to the bed. Diana even manages the final few steps all on her own. Akko is so delighted that she wraps Diana up in a heartfelt hug. She helps her back into bed, and gets cozy beside her.

That evening, they eat supper together. Diana manages a cup of yogurt, a small bowl of soup, and some very soft bread. It's the most actual food she's eaten in nearly two weeks, and her body is certainly grateful for it.

Akko is excited to see her able to eat and drink on her own already. It makes her so happy she ends up wolfing down her own food just so she can put her tray aside and hug Diana again.

That night is the first quiet one they've shared here since being brought in. Rather than having to listen to the sharp beeping of a heart monitor, Akko listens to the source itself, resting her ear very lightly on Diana's shoulder as not to make contact with her chest wound. She cuddles up to Diana beneath the sheets to help keep her warm.

And together, the two girls share a restful, quiet sleep.

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Three days later, Diana is able to eat, walk, and even dress herself without requiring assistance. She hasn't suffered any more panic attacks or threatening heart palpitations, and even her dosage of pills has been slightly reduced, though she still needs to take some for the pain.

Akko is certain it won't be much longer before Diana is officially discharged. But for now, they are still taking things one at a time.

This afternoon, Diana is opting to attempt a shower by herself. Until now, she's been kept clean thanks to the aid of her nurse. But Diana becomes increasingly mortified by the thought of someone else needing to do just about everything for her. Her prideful independence has never felt quite so deflated before in all her life.

Therefore, now she makes an effort to become self-sufficient once more.

Akko hands her a clean towel and a fresh set of sleepwear as she guides her to the bathroom.

"J-Just take your time. Go slowly. I'm gonna be right outside so if anything happens, j-just call for me, okay? I'm gonna be right here-"

"Akko." Diana bumps her nose against hers and kisses her sweetly. "Do not fret. I will be fine. Should anything go amiss, you can be certain I will call for you."

Akko takes a deep, shuddering breath.

"O-Okay. Okay... I-I just-"

But Diana quiets her by pulling her into her arms. She feels Akko has been comforting her all this time, and Diana wants to begin reciprocating for that.

She smoothes out Akko's hair for a moment and makes a request of her, one that Akko herself has made many times.

"Breathe," Diana murmurs. "I will be fine, Akko."

And the brunette lets out another long breath.

"Yeah..."

Diana moves away, kisses her once more, then heads into the bathroom. The door closes behind her, and she hears Akko slump back against it almost instantly.

Diana takes her time, moving slowly as she lies out her clothes in advance. It takes her some time before she manages to pull the sash of her robe.

She hasn't seen her own body yet. This will be the first time since she'd been attacked.

She steels herself, and slowly opens the robe.

The bandages wrapped around her chest were just changed yesterday. She'd always kept her eyes closed when the nurse was dressing her wound.

But now, Diana can see them. Those ugly, sickening red marks sticking out, stretching down the length of her stomach.

And she knows it's even worse beneath the bandages themselves.

She sits herself down on the edge of the tub before finally removing those as well.

She nearly sobs at the sight of herself.

When she stands again, she turns her back to the mirror and moves her hair aside to reveal her back.

It's even worse than her chest.

Her skin is horribly discolored - red, pink, and purple. She knows the former two are the colors of her wound scarring over, but the latter is because of the poison.

The colors might fade in time. But the scars will never go away.

She has to turn on the water in order to drown out the sounds of her crying.

She hugs herself as she stands beneath the warm, hissing water, stifling her sobs as best she can, knowing Akko is listening for any signs of distress from her.

Eventually, Diana manages to start washing her hair and cleaning off her body. She tries desperately to scrub away the marks on her chest and back, but they remain.

By the time she stops the water, folds a towel around herself, and steps out, she has stopped crying. She pats her hair dry, dresses herself, and takes a deep breath before going to the door. Knowing Akko is sitting on the other side, Diana knocks so she'll move out of the path of the door.

Akko jumps up immediately and whirls around.

"Diana? Are you okay?"

And as the door opens, Akko beholds a wonderful sight.

Diana's finally gotten out of those hospital robes - clothes she'd only ever been in pain while wearing. Now, she adorns a light blue nightgown, soft and warm. Her hair is fluffy, her skin looks healthier, and her smile is one that puts angels to shame.

Akko steps forward to hug her again, sighing blissfully. She takes Diana back to her bed and helps position the pillows for her.

Nurse Isabella leaves them early that evening with well wishes, and once the lights are off, Akko is determined for both Diana and herself to get some rest.

"At this rate," she proclaims. "You could be out of here in a few more days!"

But despite her own merriment at the thought, she can tell right away that Diana is plastering her smile on.

It's not that she doesn't like the idea of being discharged – far from it.

She just seems... distracted.

Akko sidles close and taps her shoulder.

"Diana? What's on your mind?"

Diana flashes her gaze in her direction, but she can't look her in the eyes. That's what tells Akko this is more serious than she'd thought. She softens her tone and cups Diana's cheek, tilting her face just a little.

"Hey... Diana, you can tell me. I'm here."

And Diana feels even guiltier for having worried her more. She swallows, then sighs.

"I know you are. I apologize... I do not mean to make you upset."

"It's all right." Akko reaches out to hold her hand now. "Talk to me."

A meek, wobbling breath slips from Diana's lips. She raises her free hand to her chest and flinches.

"This..." Her voice cracks, and the tears begin to fall. "I'm so hideous..."

And she breaks down, whimpering the most heart-wrenching of sounds.

Akko has never felt this kind of gut-wrenching dismay before. It isn't fear or humiliation or anything she's ever known before.

This is... this is the feeling of watching Diana hate herself. For something she has no control over.

She's always known that Diana's life is centered around appearances, and that her reputation is crucial to her. A wound like this is a scar to her physical appearance literally, just as the incident itself is to her reputation figuratively.

Akko won't allow it.

"Diana..."

She hugs her harder than she has all week.

She hugs her firmly, tightly.

She hugs her the way she'd always used to, without holding anything back.

"No..." Akko whispers. "No, no, no, D-Diana... you've got it all wrong..."

Diana can't speak. She can't do anything more than cry as she hides her face in Akko's shoulder, no doubt ashamed about that, too. Akko rests her hands on Diana's back, over the area of her scar.

"Diana... no..." Sniffling, Akko tries to compose herself enough to speak. "L-Listen to me... Listen..."

She waits a moment, until Diana's quiet wails have grown quieter still. Akko eases herself back, but keeps her arms around her. She needs to look Diana in the eyes when she says this. She needs Diana to know she's speaking the absolute truth from the bottom of her heart.

"Diana..." she says. "You are... the farthest thing from hideous. You couldn't be farther from it. You are beautiful, and I love you... so much."

And Diana feels foolish.

Foolish for ever for a second considering Akko might respond any differently than this.

Foolish for thinking she might not love her anymore because of a scar.

Diana can only manage a whisper as she slumps into her arms:

"Th-Thank you..."

She cries for a while, until there aren't any tears left to shed. Akko holds her close, massaging her back in consoling circles, waiting until Diana's breathing slows. Akko leans back slowly and lies down with her now.

"You know..." she murmurs. "A-At first I... was scared that... I wouldn't be able to look at your scars. Not because I thought they were ugly. Never." She says it firmly, without stuttering, so Diana knows she's serious.

Akko continues. "I was scared because... because I thought seeing them would only ever remind me about... about what happened... b-because it was my fault... I-If I hadn't shot him first, h-he never would have tried to get revenge on me by hurting you... B-But now..."

Akko cuts off when a sob chokes her up. She shifts her position a little, and rests her head lightly over Diana's chest. She listens to her heartbeat – her irregular heartbeat that will never be the same again.

Akko squeezes her eyes shut as stinging tears being running down.

"A-And your heart... B-Because of me, i-it'll never be... I-It's my fault your heart is like this now, Diana..."

But when Akko is vulnerable, Diana knows she must be strong, as Akko always is for her.

Diana holds her close, one hand around the small of her back and the other around her shoulders. She cradles Akko's head closer against her collar and sighs.

"Akko... you are mistaken as well..." She pauses for breath, letting Akko listen. "My heart... is only beating at all now... because of you."

It is Akko's turn to break down in her arms. Diana caresses her face, mapping patterns over her back and through her hair.

"Akko... do not blame yourself... for someone else's actions. It was not your responsibility to prevent this. It is not your fault."

Diana speaks in the same unfaltering voice Akko had used with her earlier, so she knows she means it.

Akko keeps crying. Harder and louder than Diana has ever been able to. She almost envies her for it; it sounds rather liberating.

Akko cries and cries, her tears soaking into Diana's blue nightgown and dampening her skin underneath.

All the while, she continues listening to Diana's heart. It thumps consistently beneath her ear. Akko's gotten so used to listening to it by now, it feels almost wrong to pull away.

But she does, if only for a moment, to look down into Diana's tearful eyes. Akko bites her lip to prevent it from trembling, then tries to finish her thought from earlier.

"I-I... was scared that... s-seeing your scars o-or hearing your heartbeat now would... would just remind me of the bad things..."

Akko turns her face into her shoulder to clear it a little. When she next looks down at Diana, it's with a wobbly smile.

"But that's not it, Diana. That's now how it is. I... I love your scars, a-and your jumpy heartbeat... because they're a part of you now. And I love everything about you. Everything."

In all her life, Diana never expected to hear such words. She'd never even considered the fact that those were words that could be said to her.

A wave of emotion surges up in her stomach and through her chest, before something warm and soft curls up inside of her. She pulls Akko down to her lips and kisses her.

Deeply. Warmly. Lovingly.

She wants Akko to know how much she loves her. How much she's always loved her, and how much she'll always continue to love her.

Akko understands. And she wants Diana to understand the same things.

So she returns the kiss with a gentle fervor, again and again.

There is a slight taste of salt, a faint dampness from their tears being mixed in. But somehow, that just makes it all the more real. All the more emotional.

For a while, their hearts thrum together. Even when Diana's pulse gives the extra beat, Akko feels her own trying to match it.

When at last they part from the kiss, both girls are quiet. Smiling, they wipe away each other's tears and breathe together. Diana finally gets to say it back to her.

"I love you too, Akko."

They both realize now they've never said it enough before. They could lose each other at any given time, in a split second.

They'd never comprehended that before. They'd never had to.

But now they know. And they aren't about to take anything for granted.

Especially not each other.

Akko brushes her nose against Diana's, then giggles softly.

"And now we have matching scars. I think that's pretty neat."

The share one last kiss, and tell each other again.

"I love you, Diana."

"I love you, Akko."

And the guilt is gone. Just gone.

Perhaps some day it might return, but not tonight.

And if it ever does, they'll help each other through it again and again, no matter how many times it takes to feel all right again.

Akko rests her head on Diana's chest once again. She closes her eyes and listens to the beautiful rhythm of her heartbeat – a heartbeat that can and will only ever be Diana's.

It's there when she falls asleep, and she knows it will still be there when she wakes.

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A/N: Yes, they now have matching scars! Because Akko got a scar on her back from the time when she jumped in front of Diana's spell.

Also one minor-but-major detail: I always have Diana speak in formal language, rarely with contractions. When she offers gratitude, I will often have her say "You have my thanks" or something along those lines. But only in this chapter, when she's sobbing in Akko's arms, does she simply say "Thank you." It shows she is letting her guard down and not trying to put up appearances as much - she's just being honest.