Red Rum Cake #9

Part One of “The Date”
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>after what seemed to be a couple hours’ time of riding the Equestria Express, you’re now strolling the sunset lit wide streets through the wondrous city of Canterlot, with Pinkie by your side
>a flashy tuxedo fitted with knifes and a wicked flat dagger, you’re discreetly well-armed
>Pinkie is wearing some sort of simple but dashing dress herself; she claims to have worn this for a party here in Canterlot long ago
>you can only humor the idea that she has a hidden blade of her own; you noticed one of her “tools” missing down in the basement, but you don’t dare breach the topic
>with the castle looming in the background, you can’t help but understand why the royal city itself does not get much attention
>however, you will be enjoying the night here soon enough as you hail a carriage
>with some difficulty, you might add; it’s a busy night, after all
>Pinkie: “Look at all of these people… it disgusts and thrills me at the same time.”
>the driver looks at you for directions, and you motion towards the castle
Pinkie, do try to enjoy yourself; this is our special night, after all.
>she looks up at you with hatred in her eyes, but upon contact with yours she softens up and lays against you on the seat
>Pinkie: “I know~! It’s just, I haven’t done anything like this in a loooooong time!”
Well, this first part is just for show, but I’m sure you won’t mind if we spend an hour or two where we’re going before we hit the restaurant and the Pony Prefecture Theatre.
>her eyes grow wide at such daring offerings
>Pinkie: “You’re taking me out to eat, AND we get to watch a play?!”
What, is that too much? I have quite a few plans going on up until we hit the Canterlot Hotel-
>oh boy, she wrapped herself around your waist and chest; you can feel one of your knives pressing against the skin
>Pinkie: “Anon~!<3”
>she makes a kissy face at you, trying to raise her head to maximum height
>flustered that she wants to commit to such embarrassing acts of romance, you reach around her side and press her closer to you
>somewhat swiftly but solid nonetheless, you sweep Pinkie’s emotions off of her hooves with a light, tender kiss
>she was certainly enjoying it a lot more than what you can at the moment, and she gives a very questionable noise upon separating
>thank the higher powers that the sunset covers your annoyed blush as you stare forward
I hope you enjoy the Great Galloping Gala.
>Pinkie: “Ehehe~… WHAT?!?”
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>the Great Galloping Gala is, by all means, a free pass to explore most the castle as much as you wish
>it will be somewhat entertaining to see the inside of the palace without hiding from guards and other unfavorable attention
>in the main hall, Pinkie grins nervously at the mass of nobles talking vividly and walking by the two of you
>Pinkie leans towards you, intent on whispering something
>Pinkie: “Anon, ponies are watching us, especially the guards.”
>you keep your voice low as your reply travels to her ears
Don’t worry, it’s their job to keep an eye on people like us.
>she gives you a dirty look at this response, but giggles when she sees you giving a shit-eating grin
>you love making these people nervous, scared even
>the lovely drafts of perfume and cologne can never cover the foul stench of their corruption
>their own smiles are nothing but masks, each sentence shared a threat or offer in disguise of witty banter
>their eyes cheerfully looking about, pretending to enjoy the sight as they scout out weakness in others
>they’re nothing but low lying scum, dressing for their own execution
>one day, one day
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>Pinkie and you travel to a side wing, looking at the stained glass as the last of light reflects through it
>Pinkie: “You know… this is the Hall of Harmony.”
Oh? Why is that, I wonder?
>Pinkie: “There was this super-evil bad guy called Discord who freed himself, and we had to gather the Elements of Harmony to turn him back to stone!”
>she motions to the glass picture of a bunch of mares, which included Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and somewhat surprisingly Twilight in it
Very interesting.
>Pinkie: “Mmhm~!”
By the way, about how many guards did you see following us?
>there were two of Celestia’s guards at the hefty looking door, presumably containing the Elements
>however, you’ve picked up at least three night guards trying to shiftily follow the two of you
>Pinkie: “Three, I think.”
Don’t give me thoughts, Pinkie, give me facts. How many, and where are they?
>she closes her eyes, her unusual sense for danger melding into her mind
>her inner vision penetrates the area, her tail twitching slightly and her front right hoof wiggling a bit
>Pinkie: “Three. One is outside the door where we come in, giving off a dangerous aura. One is behind a pillar near us, I can’t tell which; same aura. Last one is flying outside the castle, should we try to jump out.”
>she’s learned to use her senses quite well, and it definitely makes you proud
>she’s too fine of a partner to not praise
That was very good, Pinkie, well done.
>she shifts uneasily, looking around before turning to you
What’s the matter?
>Pinkie: “[Whispers] The auras I’m getting off of them… I think they’re gonna kill us, Anon.”
Nah, they couldn’t hope to do that, c’mon.
>you scoop up Pinkie enthusiastically, dress and all, and skip down towards the two guards and the door
>you can feel the presence of the night guard silently moving in the darkness of the pillars, nighttime aiding him further as the moon steadily rises
>soon Pinkie, laughing nervously in your arms and yourself are in front of the daytime guards
Hey, you two nillypillies!
>they look at each other suspiciously; they apparently don’t know what a nillypilly is
>to be quite honest, neither do you, considering you just made it up
>Guard: “Beg your pardon?”
Your queen is a nunce and I’ll be damned if she rules like the swantsygoop she is!
>perhaps making up insults to her royal majesty was a bit too much, but it was effective nonetheless
>Guard2: “Why, you! You’re under arrest for harassing the title of her royal majesty!”
Well, fuck, and here I thought we were going to be friends.
>they brutishly escort you back to the main hall, entirely oblivious to the fleeing night guard
>you saw him slip away into the shadows, not at all willing to make a move in front of another guard
>thankfully neither did the second outside the door, eyeballing you with a look that clearly told he had other plans beyond crude greetings as the group passes him
>Pinkie takes a hoof to lower an eyelid in some form of insult, which you chuckled at
>this in turned actually caused the night guard to take in some sort of desperate last chance attack, charging forward and leaping at you
>the guards turning to see him trying to tackle you, you swoop to the side and grapple him by the neck, using his armor to pin himself to the ground
>showing off your badge to Celestia’s guards before they attempt to pry you two apart, you do a quick explanation
I’m sorry for forcing you to follow me, but for whatever reason these guys,
>you gesture to the writhing and somewhat intimidating guard below you
Have been attempting to attack me and my date tonight. I meant no offense to her royal majesty Princess Celestia and if I may humbly request that you take us to the Princess in good graces, I’d be grateful.
>they’re both quite bewildered at the sudden turn of events, but they silently agree
>Princess Celestia needs to be told that her little sister is getting paranoid
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>one escorts you to the hall of safety, the other takes care of the offending night guard
>anywhere Celestia is can be safe enough for you
>however, you’re starting to realize that this was a bad idea to come here for part of the date
>Pinkie seems very upset, and all you wanted was to talk to “certain ponies” about “certain things”
>you might be set for life in terms of money, but favors do just as nicely
>perhaps you should focus more on her from here on out, as you mindlessly nuzzle her neck
>she’s still in your arms, and it appears she’s enjoying it a bit too much
>you stop immediately when you hear a low moan come from her throat, and a couple heads turn
>Pinkie blushes and stares at the tiles as you let her down
>waiting in line for about fifteen minutes, you soon realize that Princess Celestia isn’t the only noticeable pony on the pedestal
>for whatever reason, Twilight Sparkle is by her side
>oh yes, that’s right- she’s supposedly the Princess’s personal apprentice
>the line that forms your mouth lies straight
>it must be nice… to gain privileges by sucking up to the top dog.
>finally the next to greet her majesty, you give a luscious bow with a hearty smile to match
>Pinkie does this interesting looking version of the jitterbug
>everyone watches her perform the peculiar dance before you continue
Princess Celestia, it is an honor to meet you under more… unchained conditions.
>Celestia: “Yes, yes it is, Anon. I hope you’re finding everything to be alright since then?
>you cross your arms, taking a menacing pose
>perhaps a bad move to make an aggressive confrontation to Celestia, but you stick with it
>you give a saddened face to make it more balanced; now you look like a troubled romantic with love issues
>oh fucking joy
>Pinkie: “No, Princess. It’s been horrible.”
>you jerk back out of the façade you were building up to see Pinkie working the magic herself
>Twilight is eyeing her cautiously as an opponent, and worry as a friend
>Princess Celestia also seems genuinely upset
>Celestia: “What has happened, Pinkie Pie? You usually seem more… happy.”
>Pinkie twinges at the full use of her name, but goes to respond anyways
>Pinkie: “Princess Luna has been harassing the two of us-“
>Celestia: “Both of you? Then that means…?”
I don’t know what you’re asking, your majesty; are you confirming that Luna has been sending Guards to watch, antagonize, and attempt to kill us, or the fact that we’re in love and living together?
>you thought  that the word “kill” would have the most dramatic effect from your conversation bit there; it certainly caused murmurs in the line behind you and gave Celestia a foul look
>however, the word of the day appears to be “love”, as Pinkie hops around you and giggles in glee
>Pinkie: “He said ‘we’re in love’! Hee hee heee~!<3”
>you scratch your chin embarrassingly, cursing the world for her yelling such childish things out loud
>however, you must come and accept this; this is Pinkie Pie, after all
>bubbly lover and professional assassination assistant
>before you can make any sort of response, Twilight is shuffling you away, Celestia leading the group into a separate hall
>err, scratch that, it’s more like a sitting room to connect two halls
>a very quaint parlor
>before the Princess closes the door, a guard materializes himself to her aid
>Guard: “What is the matter, your highness?”
>Celestia: “By my orders, gather no less than a half dozen sentries to find my sister when she is done raising the moon, and bring her to me as soon as I exit this room.”
>Guard: “It will be done, your majesty.”
>the door closes, and the most interesting quad of folks turn to face each other
>the leader of the nobles and Equestria, along with her treasured intern
>and the anonymous killer of all she represents, slowly and diabolically offing one at a time
>…and Pinkie Pie, your “lover” and cute little murder associate
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>Celestia: “So… you say my little sister has been causing problems?”
When we returned home, she had forced her way into my home, and scour it for evidence to a case that was already over.
>Twilight: “She broke in?! But why didn’t you get me or-!”
She looked quite ready to kill me if I made a bad move then, and she had stationed a guard in front of our house.
>Celestia: “Sigh… I technically knew about that part.”
>Pinkie: “You did~?”
>Celestia gives a grave nod
>Celestia: “Luna practically begged me to allow one of her guards to be put on duty there; I thought she would keep him there only at night, and I most certainly did not expect her to put the guard right outside your door.”
If I can defend her on one thing, it would be that the guard was stationed there almost 24/7; in essence, the guard was there for night as well.
>Celestia: “That’s beside the point. She is doubting the trust I put into you, and going behind my back to deal with this her own way.”
>Twilight: “I can’t believe… Princess Luna…”
Anyhow, I’m taking Pinkie out for a date right now, and I was hoping for this to be the first part of it. But~… after the whole “night guards following and attack us” business-
>Celestia: “Here, in the castle?!”
Not even ten minutes ago, actually. Little bastard lunged at me, and he certainly wasn’t trying for a hug.
>the princess and Twilight look appalled, ready to summon the armies
Before you make any rash moves… I want to get out of here. There’s a restaurant that is most excellent right when the moon rises; Pinkie Pie and I must hurry if we wish to-
>Celestia: “Would you like Twilight or myself to take you there? We can use teleportation magic.”
>you’ve been met with a terrible fate, haven’t you?
>fucking unicorns and their dependence on magic, do they feel the need to brag about their “generosity”?
I would like Twilight to take us there, if she wants to,
>Twilight: “I’m on it, just let me start the spell an-“
Without magic, if you could; I get a bit queasy with teleportation.
>she seems a bit hurt by this, but Celestia gives her trademark understanding nod
>Celestia: “One moment, then.”
>you look at Twilight quizzically as Celestia approaches the sole window, turning to Pinkie for some sort of sense
>they both give half shrugs, unsure what to make of it
>the princess unlocks and opens the window with magic, and gives a soothing whistle of sorts
>within seconds, two pegasus guards lower themselves in front of the window, with what you can only assume to be Celestia’s royal carriage
Are you serious, your majesty?
>Celestia nods before turning to the two guards at attention
>Celestia: “Take these three to wherever they wish to go, and make sure nothing harmful befalls them.”
>Guard: “Yes, your majesty!”
>fuck, how are you supposed to clamber out a window into a carriage?
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>after about ten full minutes of persuading yourself to overlook the falling distance, you manage to locate yourself into the transport
>Pinkie simply hops in, opting to lie across your lap instead of sitting next to you
>apparently Twilight had to teleport in, as if to prove a point
>Celestia bids you farewell as she returns to the main hall to continue the Gala
>you could see Luna at the doorway
>she unquestionably can see you, and it’s not a pretty look
>traversing the skies, they apparently know where the restaurant you told them is
So Twilight, did you find anything more about Fluttershy?
>she looks at Pinkie with uncertainty, who returns with a wide smile
>apparently Twilight’s undying trust for you does not extend to your marefriend, and Pinkie’s smile has murder hidden all over it
Twilight, she knows everything, and I trust her as I do you.
>Twilight: “Ah, alright… well… we found a bunch of things inside Fluttershy’s home, her shed especially. The area is actually under quarantine as of right now, and we were waiting for you to explain some of the things there.”
What do you mean; are there foreign objects in there?
>she gives a grave look
>Twilight: “Yes.”
Alright. Sometime tomorrow or the next day, when I return home, I’ll take a looksee, alright?
>landing in the plotted grass near the eatery, you give Twilight’s mane a ruffle of encouragement
>she blushes and acts haughtily in response, but it was clear she enjoyed it
>it was also clear Pinkie did not enjoy it, as ponies watch the carriage take off, Twilight with it
>making your way to a thankfully open table, completely outside, you feel nostalgic over the style of the joint
>fireflies and candles light the area up, the night skies taking your breath away as the stars twinkle in a mysterious order
>Pinkie: “You shouldn’t do that to her, Anon.”
>the table is clean of everything but two menus already sitting there, but you’re sure Pinkie is still willing to pull out a knife to toss at you with those words
What, tease her? She’s under terrible stress right now, anything would help her.
>Pinkie: “Would you like to fuck her, as well? You DO remember what time of year it is, correct?”
>ohhh yeah, Pinkie is pissed
While I do feel sorry for her current condition, I have my own special pony to take care of tonight for that.
>you try your best to give off a dazzling smile, fake as it gets
>she can tell
>Pinkie: “Anon, please… don’t give me that phony smile. It hurts.”
>you pull it back into a straight line as you look away, unsure as to how to respond
>you both make eye contact once more, nervous as to how to respond, and for whatever reason this brings a slight grin to both of your faces
>Pinkie: “Hehe~! Why are you looking at me like that, Anon?”
Because, you’re beautiful.
>truest words were never spoken as the waiter approaches us
>Waiter: “Buona sera, how can I take your order?”
>how does this guy have a smooth Latin accent, no one will know but him and his mother
Two orders of garlic bread and spaghetti, if I may.
>Pinkie: “How do you know that’s what I wanted?!”
>she’s more surprised than angry, and you point at the menu
These menus are more or less for show, sweetheart. All it says is “Spaghetti”, “Garlic bread”, and “Grape Juice”, which I’d like two glasses of as well.
>the waiter nods and trots off as you light one of your cigarettes on a candle
>Pinkie: “Still smoking, eh?”
Only once in a while; the guard that went for my throat scared the shit out of me.
>you take three hearty puffs, and that was all you need before you flick it out
>Pinkie: “How romantic.”
Sorry if I’m not much of the dreamy type; I, eh… don’t have much experience at this sort of stuff.
>Pinkie giggles at your admitting of your naivety
>Pinkie: “Neither have I, silly! But I read a book some time ago, and it says that you’re supposed to tell me how pretty I am right now, and ask me how my day was!”
>you’re ready to slap your forehead
Are you Twilight Sparkle, now? Reading stuff like th-
>shutting up on that topic, the stare she’s giving is sharp enough to cut your throat
>you clear your throat to confirm that it’s still intact
Anyways, it’s a bit tedious to point out how stunningly wonderful you look when it’s so obvious, and I already know that you spent most of the day with me playing Jenga, reading about dates, and enjoying me fingering y- helloooo, waiter!
>the food was done surprisingly quick, and the servant is stiffly standing there and somehow balancing a large tray of food and silverware
>whether or not he heard that last bit will also be a secret
>Waiter: “*Ahem* Buon appetito!”
>yup, he definitely heard you
>as he waltzes away with the large tray, Pinkie takes the butter knife and slams it into the pile of breadsticks for no accountable reason
>Pinkie: “I have to admit, Anon…”
Hm?
>you take a piece of breadstick, split in half with the knife thrust
>Pinkie: “I love you for saying the right things at the right time, and I hate you for saying the wrong things at the wrong time.”
>you shrug in apology, enjoying the bread with the grape juice as fireflies flitter about
>you could barely see the red on Pinkie’s face, her eyes reflecting in half circles from the moonlight
I’m sorry. And I love you too.
>you watch as the half circles steadily grow into full moons, her pupils dilating in astonishment at those last words
>she digs into the spaghetti in a ruffled passion
>Pinkie: “You’re mean.”
But honest.
>she smiles at your words; neither of you know if you’re lying or not
>for now, you’ll let your cold heart decide
>end