VillianAnon: Gotta Start Somewhere

Jun 6th, 2014
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  1. VillainAnon: Gotta Start Somewhere
  2. By IceMan
  4. >Day grand theft in Equestria.
  5. >You've just pulled off the greatest hijinks in the history of Equestria.
  6. >But, as you're running down the street with a wheeled pallet of white boxes, you almost knock into a purple unicorn.
  7. >"Anon, what are you doing with those boxes?"
  8. "Oh, hi Twilight. I'm just moving some cakes. 40 cakes to be precise."
  9. >"Where did you get 40 cakes?"
  10. "Stole them from Sugarcube Corner," you blurt out. "Wait. Shit."
  11. >"You stole 40 cakes? Anon, that's just terrible!"
  12. "Yeah, I know. That's as many as four tens," you reply with a coy smile.
  13. >"Anon, you have to take those cakes back."
  14. "What? No. I'm not taking these back. If I'm gonna be the greatest villain in Equestria some day, then I've gotta start somewhere."
  15. >Twilight groans.
  16. >"Oh, Celestia, Anon, not this again. You're not going to be a villain. You never will be! Especially if the greatest hijinks you can come up with is stealing 40 cakes. And then revealing that you stole them."
  17. "You've gotta start somewhere, Twilight," you say as you slowly wheel your cart of cakes around her. "You've gotta start somewhere."
  19. >Several months later . . . .
  21. >"Celestia, Anon, what did you do now?" Twilight asks, gazing upon a giant ray gun mounted in an observatory in Canterlot.
  22. >It's a giant tube with several focusing discs near the front, and a large red sphere of sparking red energy at the back.
  23. >You're seated in a small leather seat with lots of dials, valves, wheels, and levers near it, controlling the behemoth laser cannon.
  24. "I built a death ray. I'm gonna blow up the moon."
  25. >"Ugh, not this evil villain thing again. Wait, you're gonna blow up the moon?"
  26. >You nod with your trademark dumbass grin.
  27. >"Oh, great. Alright, go right ahead Anon. I'll be watching."
  28. >Twilight turns to leave.
  29. >"Oh, but, by the way, if you actually do blow up the moon, I'm imprisoning you in stone for the next millennium."
  30. >Twilight exits the observatory.
  31. >You shrug and pull some levers, turn some valves, and watch as the energy builds up in your cannon.
  32. >You rotate the observatory so that the laser is aimed directly at the moon.
  33. >Once it reaches the cascade point, a rippling beam of red energy roars out of the barrel of the gun, straight out of the observatory and many miles into the sky.
  34. >It collides with the moon with a great flash of sparkling crimson, leaving a giant crater that soon cracks outward with scarlet spiderwebs.
  35. >The moon shatters into hundreds of meteoroids, from the size of grapefruits to the size of buildings, that tumble down onto the planet's surface.
  36. >One, the size of a large truck, crashes into a small tree containing a library in Ponyville, annihilating most of the city.
  37. >You step out of your chair and dust off your hands.
  38. >You told that purple bitch you had to start somewhere.
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