I had a really good job as a grocery store manager and side gig as a studio guitarist here in Nashville. Mom and Dad had been split up since I was 5 and I saw him a lot and was very close. If you know me that whole near death experience drowning was with him and he saved me.

So I get a call that dad is being life flighted to to a bigger hospital bc he's lost most of his blood and is probably going to die. Tough sob pulls thru but he's never the same. He's been taking care of the aunt that raised him bc his parents were super involved with the church and with the civil rights movement in the 60s.

So now they're either going to both go into homes or someone can take care of them. I throw away my career and move back to Ohio to live with and take care of both of them. With the knowledge that most likely they would both be dead soon so not getting too attached to the setting.

Well shit when my company transfers me up there I get to be a manager again and damn, I see this girl. I was on a mission tho, last two relationships have ended in pain so no attachments. But I can't deny it. We have a definite connection so we start hanging out outside of work.

Now I think well shit I can't exactly bring a girl home its not really a bachelor pad I take care of two dying people. But then she says its fine bc she moonlights as a CNA. And her and my dad become best friends.

So we become a couple. Loving everything about each other. And then my dad dies.

She was the only reason I didn't completely break down. Thru the whole relationship my dad always talked about us having kids but tbh the thought scared the fuck out of me.

But damn. She was pregnant. We had all thought up a boy and girl name together and shit it was a boy!! My greatest fear was here I didn't think I was ready to be a dad. But dammit my dad said ranger on so I will! We name the baby with the same name we always wanted and I stayed with her every night thru the whole pregnancy.

3am trips to Walmart to buy coco wheats were nothing to me bc if that's what my little boy wanted. Damn it that's what he'd get. Nine months of falling asleep every night feeling that little boy kick. Loved it.

Then the time came. In the middle of the night she woke me up screaming its time and I rushed into action. I'd insisted we have a go bag prepped so I threw that and her in the car and off we went.

Here's where the coolest part of my story happens. I got pulled over bc I was redlining my little grand am at 110mph on the interstate. As soon as the cop saw the situation, he asked if she could hold on for a few minutes. When she said she could, and did, five fucking state trooper and city cop cars pulled up. To this day I've never driven faster in my life. I topped out at 120 on the interstate to get her to the hospital on time.

We made it thank god. And they rushed her away. To have our baby boy. Named after my dad who we both loved. So I wanted to be in the room but damn it damn it damn it he was breeched. Had to rush her away to the operating room. And that was the most terrifying thing of my life. Is my love about to fucking die? Is my son about to die? What is going on?!?

They both made it and then I get to see them. But.

But.

We're both extremely white. This baby boy I'm looking at. Is very clearly half black. So I ask the obvious question and I get the truth. She cheated and didn't know until now that he wasn't mine. She cries and cries and says it doesnt matter bc he's in jail anyway! No worries its your son retz.

So for three months I was a daddy. It was the absolute best three months of my life. I loved that baby boy and I still do. His mom couldn't get him to sleep ever only I could. Singing and playing guitar the way that my dad did for me.

Anyway thru that whole time I worked two jobs to save up for a house so we wouldn't have to live in a small apartment or with her parents. And when I bought it I thought that was the forever home.

Well as soon as the babies father got out of jail she bailed because in her words "the mother and father need to be together and you have no place with him"

So I tried very hard to drink myself to death. And when that didn't work I tried to hang myself but I chickened out. In the end I sold that house for a loss and moved back to Nashville.

What hurts every day is that that baby will never have a real father, bc his dad is now back in prision for armed robbery.

I am haunted by thoughts of him crying all night and I'm not there to sing him sweet baby James. Or mommas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Or even me and his moms song water in a well.

He will never know who I am. He will never know the guy that rocked and sang him to sleep every night, despite knowing he wasn't his actual son. He'll never know how his grandpa's favorite songs were the only think to get him to sleep. And he'll never know the man he was named after.