Thread 13: Stories 61-75

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77 sits in the bathroom stall memorial, conveying recent events to his friends.

"And to say the least, Cheerlie and I were oddly relieved when the test came back negative. I'll be honest, fatherhood might be looking more and more appealing but we'd both like more time just for us."

He smiled wider. "But can you believe how lucky I was to meet such a mare? Hah! In your face, 32, you said I'd never find love! What do you say to that?" 77 jabbed his hoof towards the memorial.

"I say you need to stop killing me with your imagination..." The living 32 snarked.

And was blithely ignored.
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>???
"Applejack"
'Spike'
-AJ56-
_______

'Oh. OH. Damn.'

"What's wrong, loverboy o' mine?"

'We've got incoming, t-minus seven seconds to arrival from the northwest.'

"Huh? What're y'all... oh. OH. Damn."

'Yeah. ...Bail?'

"Ah'd agree but too late, done been spotted."

'Good thing I brought my cyanide pills.'

"Naw, we're sufferin' through this toge-"

With a ground rumbling thud, the queen of Gryphons landed before Applejack and Spike, both of whom regarded her with passive expressions, mentally prepared for whatever trouble came out of her beak.

>Where’s the squeaky-voiced mare I spoke with on the phone earlier this week?

“An’ a fine howdy to y’all too, Gwen.”

>Cut the routine, princess of the apple. I wish to know who-

Spike cut in with an almost robotic voice.

‘Good day, visitor. If you should find yourself with concerns over the Canterlot staff please feel free to direct any and all inquiries, complaints, or otherwise suggestions to the front desk. Thank you and enjoy your stay in Canterlot, the city where dreams are born and opportunity abounds.’

>…

“Basically what he said, yer’ feathered majesty.”

>You DARE besmirch my grandeur by-

The sudden opening of a door to the left ended all conversation when 56 emerged, bouncing in his ever-energetic trot as he glanced about in a hurry.

-Flibbity gibbets, where the hay did 77 get to? I really need to know about- CATBUTT!-

Applejack stared down at Spike who stared up at her, then the both of them turned back to watching as 56 launched himself at the Gryphon leader, nuzzling up against her furry hips. Where the two onlookers expected Gwen to reduce the playful Changeling to rinds, or at least attempt to, they were shocked when her expression softened, damn near sank into something bashful even, complete with a mild blush. Her tail flicked appreciatively.

‘…oh you have got to be kidding me.’

-Hey, Catbutt! What brings ya here, huh?-

>O-oh, uh… I waaaas just, um….

“She’s here to see Luna ‘bout the way she trains her guards, they sometimes trade tips. Show her the way, 56?”

56 nodded, completely thrown off track from what he was previously doing.

-Sure! Follow me, Catbutt! I gotta tell ya, it’s great to see ya again, great to see that rump, too! I’ll be in that in a second, but first, how are ya? I’m fine, in fact…-

As the chatty Changeling led Gwendolyn away, she couldn’t help but shoot Applejack a thankful glance.

‘Huh. I thought Gwendolyn hated Changelings?’

“They met at the dance, hit off real well apparently.”

‘And by that you mean Gwen got pulled into 56’s gravitational pull like Luna, eh?’

“Yup. Though now Ah’m conflicted.”

‘About what?’

“Ah jus’ went against my element and lied. Knowingly at that.”

‘Yup. That you did, that you did.’

“…Oh well. Wanna go watch the awkwardness of Luna and Gwen tryin’ to nonchalantly fight over 56’s attention?”

‘You kidding? Heck yeah! You go on ahead, I’ll grab the popcorn!’

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>Spike
"Blueblood"
~~~~
>You know what you look like to me, with your cheap suit, behind those bars? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition's given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Blueblood? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed: pure West Mustangia. What was your father? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... all the way to becoming a Prince.

"....You see a lot, Spike. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? What about it? Why don't you - why don't you look at yourself and write down what you see? Or maybe you're afraid to.

Spike leans back on his chair and stares at Blueblood with his piercing dragon eyes.
>There was a serial killer in Ponyville once. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. [slurping souds]

NON CANON
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>AJ2
"32"
[Crystal Guard}
{CG2}
~SA~
~~~~~

"..Well, you're a curious sort. What is a little thing like yourself doing wandering the halls?"

>Shiny says I'm not s'posed ta' talk to you. He says you'll give me nightmares, probably.

"Oh? Which one of those two is 'Shiny', they're both quite... sparkly."

>That's Shatterhoof and Crumbles, silly! They're not Shiny!

[Please take a few steps back, if you would.]

{She is simply waiting for him to finish speaking with the Princess about the new railway system, move along.}

"Oh, is that right? A business meeting of sorts?"

His eyes began to narrow.

"Tell me, little one, where do you live? I've never seen you in the ballroom."

>I don't live there no more, I live in the Empire, silly!

"Is that right... you live with this...'Shiny', and he dresses you up in that frilly dress? Puts the little bows in your hair?"

>Y-yeaaah?

[...Miss Two, would you move to me real quick?]

{Sir, we're going to have to ask you to move along, now. Nothing personal, I just don't like that look in your eyes.}

"And I do not enjoy my people being used as pets for your elite. No matter what that daft idiot says, we drones are not bartering chips. I do not know what that damnable Queen promised in exchange for her, but I am very close to tearing out your-"

>Huh?

"...Sweetie, the adults are talking."

>But ya' said Queen.

"Yes dear, I did, that horrible little-"

>What's Not-Mom gotta do with Shiny?

"Not... mom?"

{She's referring to Chrysalis.}

"Oh? Well, if she's not mom, then who is 'mom' pray tell?"

>Caddy.

"...Who the devil names their child after a servant on a golf course?"

>She doesn't like ta' play golf, she tried eatin' the club last time after she got mad.

[She did. Bit off a solid chunk of the driver too.]

{Princess Cadence's dentist bill was astronomical.}

"Wait... she's... mom?..."

The door leading to the meeting room swung open, and a tired Shining Armor stumbled out.

>SHINY!

~Heeey, Two.~

>You okay? Yer' all droopy like when Caddy says she accidentally bought too much stuff.

~Don't worry, Auntie Applejack is just trying to indirectly convince me to jump off a cliff, that's all! Come on, I think we need some... marchmalleys...~

"...Shining Armor."

~Thirty... two, was it?~

"It was."

~...~

"..."

~...I have a shotgun, you know. You want to see it? Family Heirloom. Started as a big stick. Real nice conversation piece.~

"No no, that won't be necessary. I just... wasn't expecting this."

>Expecting what?

~He wasn't expecting us to share Marchmalleys with him.~

>Oh. I get it, cause I'm eatin' 'em so fast! But I always share, cross my heart!

~Uh huh...~

>...I MOSTLY share.

~That's better. Come on, Cadence is probably waiting with another cooked rhinoceros or something.~

>We ain't gotta eat it, right?

~No, let's just hope it doesn't eat us first.~

They moved past the expressionless Changeling, both guards keeping a very close eye on him. It was only after they disappeared down the hall that he let his expression slowly melt into a stark disbelief.

"He..."
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>Chrysalis
"???"
'???'
~~~~~

>Shiny? You here? I can't mess up your papers if you're not here, it just doesn't matter as much... hm? Well now, what do we have here?

There, sitting on the desk, was a tub of ice cream and a little note propped up against it.

>"For Chrysalis"? For little old me? Oh, Shiny, your repressed desire to just hop on the Queen Train and ride that monster through the castle is only hurting yourself. While I would prefer just admitting it, a nice big tub of cookie dough is a very welcomed alternati-

*POP!*

>AHHHHHHHHH! SNAAAAKES! THEY'RE IN MY HAIR! THEY'RE IN MY-... these are plastic.

Laughter so loud it nearly broke the castle suddenly rang out.

"OH SWEET MERCY THE LOOK ON YOUR FAAAAAACEAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

'D-D-DID YOU SEE THAT, CELLY!? AHAHAHAHAH S-SHEAHAHAHAHAHAH!'

"THIS IS THE BEST! THE BEEEEEST!AHHHAHAHAHHAHAH!"

'O-oh..HOOo.. hoo.. yeahaha... ohh, look at her, all grumpy.'

>...

"It was just a prank, Chrysalis."

'No need to be upset.'

>....

"...Chrysalis?"

'You're worrying me now.'

>...Soon.

Without another word, she tossed Shining Armor's papers off the desk, and took her leave.

"...Is it bad I still think it was worth it, despite the horrible beast we may have unleashed?"

'Yes, it is bad you think that. She knows where I sleep.'

"...Still worth it."
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>32
"77"

>...I can explain.

"Please do."

>Our sister, 42, intends to face me for a bout of fisticuffs -hooficuffs? The terminology isn't really clear- in any case, while I intend to oblige her, I would rather have a healthy jaw for a little while longer so-

"You have camped out in a tree."

>Well she'd expect me to be in the ballroom.

"What exactly has you hiding?"

>There is something I witnessed that requires investigation. The small changeling, the female.

"Two."

>Yes her. She is in the charge of the Crystal Empire's royalty, the very same two the Queen intended to supplant. I need to ponder this and a concussion would not assist in that matter.

"What exactly did you witness?"

>Right, I will freely admit my misstep in the matter, I may have...erroneously...assumed the Queen sold into a form of domestic slavery.

"..."

>I was incorrect of course but-

"Perhaps you should apologize."

>Beg pardon?

"Apologize. To the Queen, for assuming she'd stoop so low."

>I will do no such-

"32. You were wrong in this singular regard, I am asking you as your Brother to do the right thing here."

>...I'll consider it.

"By the way, what was your opinion of her?"

>Who?

"Two, just...in general."

>Oh she made me think you're a fool for not making your lover heavy with child ASAP.

77 laughed as he walked away.
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Gathered in a single auditorium were the entirety of both Equestrian royality and Crystal Imperial houses including the current captain of the Wonderbolts, and members of the shared 'A Team', including the self-dubbed 'trial member', changeling 32.

"So, this is the state of the Crystal Empire?" 18 initially scoffed. "We're all getting called together at the beckoning of a dragon hatching."

"Ah jus' hope Spike's not makin' another damn prank this time."

The voices and speculation quieted down as Spike took the stage, wearing a military dress uniform of Canterlot's guard.

"OH, DARLING, YOU LOOK ADORABLE!" Rarity screamed from the audience earning a round of laughter and getting a facepalm from Spike.

"If you're all done, I'd like to begin my presentation."

"Sorry, 'bout that, sugarcube." Applejack apologized while almost literally muzzling Rarity.

"Thank you, I'd like to present to all of your gathered my observations and recorded notes on the state of the armies of the United Equestrian Kingdoms and Territories and the Crystal Empire. First slide, please."

Behind Spike, the projector screen lit up for the first slide titled 'Two Very Big Problems'

Clearing his throat, Spike began to speak once more.

A new slide came up showing the raw numbers of the situation which Spike then gestured to

"The largest of problems with each army are divided between Crystal Empire and the Equestria with the shared issue of distribution. In the case of the Crystal Empire, this is a lack of necessary resources and equipment, lack of numbers, and heavy reliance on a keystone artifact."

Celestia suddenly stood up, pointed at the Crystal Empire crowd and let out a triumphant 'HAH!'

"Equestria suffers greatly from what I call 'movie army syndrome' where an elite few overshadow the entire army in terms of ability and experience, the poor distribution of this army, and its general incompetence."

18 now rose up, pointed to Celestia and the Equestria crowd and shouted a mocking 'HAH!' of her own.

"However, there are solutions. By virtue of 42's excellent training and the Crystal Guard not realizing that they are not bound to service by any modern, legal means, and thus do not desert no matter what abuse they are put through, the Crystal Empire's army possess great skill and even experience compared to the average Royal or Night Guard. Meanwhile, the Equestrian guards possess numbers and superior tech. My proposal begins simply with an exchange program of soldiers. Equestria will lose out in raw numbers, but by having a few dozen Crystal Guards integrated within the ranks, they will be able to share their experience and training with their fellow soldiers. Meanwhile, the Crystal Empire can gain numbers, an air force through our pegasus guard, and even the beginning access to greater technology such as battle harnesses."

42 sat back into her chair with a smile. "Kid's got my ears now, I'd love to get a hold of some modern weaponry for a change."

Shining Armor though seemed sheepish. "How the heck did he figure out our crippling weaknesses?"

"He does handle a lotta tha back and fourth paperwork..." Applejack speculated when Spike began to speak again.

"The next problem, and this is an issue even I myself have only now taken sobering notice of. Next slide."

The projection now had the image of 42 towel slapping Spike on the butt, both wearing an expression more suited for college frat members.

42 turned beet red and buried her face in her hooves. "I swear... I was drunk when that happened? Why did Diamond Tiara have to take that? Why did she give Spike a copy?"

"While friendly and playful, there is a powerful rivalry between the Equestrian Guards and the Crystal guard. Both trainers and funding alike have been spent developing counter-play strategies to one another, despite our diplomatic relations being best summed as 'joined at the hip and orgasming the whole time'. Now admittedly, given that the Crystal Empire is the closest sovereign nation and our terms with other, large nations is quite friendly as well, the Crystal Empire could be considered a 'threat' in at least a hypothetical, scenario development sense. But let's look over the past several years: dragons, diamond dogs, Discord, Sombra's initial return, The Everfree Forest, and many others are problems that sprang up within our borders, evee the Changelings during the original Canterlot Invasion was hinged on a successful infiltration to weaken Canterlot's defense's from within. What does this mean? Any enemies are likely to be guerrilla groups, infiltration cells, terrorist organizations. Nothing as large and organized as a full army, and thus, we need to focus our training, funding, and time on building domestic and homefront defense forces, early warning systems, and civilian evacuation."

Spike clapped his hands together. "Now then, any questions? Yes, Diamond Tiara?"

"... When and how the hell did you figure all this out?"

"You learn a lot of things playing assistant and special operations soldier. Any other questions? Alright then, this presentation is adjourned and I wish to stress the royal and imperial houses focus strongly on this at the next meeting." Spike hopped down from his stool behind the podium and walked off stage.

meanwhile, 32 smiled and looked at 77. "You know, I thought you were crazy at first for listening to a child."

"From the mouth of babes, as the expression goes."

CANON DEBATABLE
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>Spike
"Twilight"
------
The day before:

>Hey Twilight? There's something important i need to talk to everybody about, could you do your thing and gather all the royalty, Rainbow dash and the gun club members?

"Oh pony feathers, it should have taken at least a week before anyone noticed it."

>I just want to talk about equestria and the empires armies ...did something else happen?

"HAPPEN? NOTHING HAPPENED! THIS LAB IS 100% SECURE AND ESCAPE PROOF AHAHAHAHAHA FUNNY JOKE SPIKE."

>...

"Keep quiet and I'll convince shiny to let you eat one of his buildings."

>Done. So when can you get everybody together?

"Well i'm a little busy at the moment building a scanning device along with a couple of containment mechanisms, PURELY FOR FUN OF COURSE AND NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NEEDED!, so how does tomorrow in auditorium three sound?"

>Great, thanks Twi. Good luck with catching your thing!

"THERE IS NOTHING TO CATCH SPIKE YOU SILLY, HAHAHAHAAHAHA
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>Flim... brother mine... do you think we're bad ponies?
"I'm not sure what you mean by that, Flam. What constitutes 'bad', beyond a deontological predetermined set of rules passed down by a negligent and occasionally petty immortal ruler?"
>Well, I mean, even if we didn't subscribe to the black-and-white philosophy of right and wrong, from a utilitarian viewpoint, we could have hurt a good portion of the populace by supporting the ego-trip of a royal simply because we benefited monetarily from his possible success. That's hardly something good ponies do.
"That assumes that other ponies are of equal importance to us, though, doesn't it brother?"
>What, so we're more important than a random pony off the street?
"Of course! Why, you can't even prove from a logical standpoint that other ponies even have higher thought! They could just as well be emotive automotons, reacting to inputs from their surroundings as their gears and punchcards dictate!"
>I say, Flim, that's a rather dire outlook. And what's to say that you or I aren't the same? Would a sufficiently advanced automoton like what you've proposed even be able to contemplate its own existence? Or would it be so advanced that it would account for such an attitude?
"Flam, dear brother, there's simply no guarantee. Why, you or I could be nothing more than the dream of some creature or creatures far greater than ourselves. Ink on a page, words on paper, voices on a record player. Who knows?"
>But wait, brother! If we're nothing but a bunch of hastily cobbled-together thoughts, doesn't that mean we at very least exist as that much?
"Hmm... a good point! We can be sure we at least exist as a thought, because we ourselves think! So long as we continue to speak or to move, emote or act, in short as long as we THINK we exist, we do by sheer force of will!
>Brother, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
"I'd be surer if you said it aloud!"

>I'm thinking of us being free to roam again, a million bits in our cart as we travel town to town, mares and stallions, fillies and foals calling our names!
"Brother, I'm disappointed. Very disappointed indeed."
>...Er, why is that?
"Because I'm thinking we should be BILLIONAIRES, with mares and mead at every town, traveling by airship!"
>ha-HA! I like the way you think!
"Think harder brother, we'll be free and affluent in no time!"
>I'm willing it with all of my might!

Pommel poked his head in, only to see the two unicorn twins huddled together, straining their wills with all their might, eyes screwed up in concentration. Rolling his eyes, he simply slid the two plates of gruel underneath the door, leaving them to whatever half-baked scheme they were up to this time.
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>Dadling
"Bat-mon"
~~~

>Okay, so, I was thinking I should be a stay at home dad.

"Why?"

>Well, for starters, every time I wander outside of the castle or this apartment I question the sanity of such an action. The dirty looks I can deal with, it's the constant threat of injury that I have a problem with.

"It's not that bad."

>No yeah, probably. By the way, how much do you think I can pawn this knife for? Not sure about the gift giving process here, but pretty sure 'chucked at my head' at the very least means I can keep it.

"What the fuck!? Why didn't you tell the gu-..."

>Yeah, that was question number two. Do pawn shops accept military issues knives? I mean, they obviously let you take them home with you, the guy was off duty.

"...Maaaaybe we can work with stay at home stuff for a little bit."

>Could we? Please? The cashier thought I robbed someone when I bought the ice cream. I had to prove I didn't, prove I wasn't armed, prove I wasn't the guy who kept setting fires and take a drug test.

"..."

>...I don't get that last one either.

"Wow, you think you know a place."

>So, wait, you thought Canterlot WASN'T full of snobbish, elitist dicks?

"No no, I just didn't think any of them had a decent enough throwing arm to attempt this."

>Well, we learn something new everyday.
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A grey-coated stallion makes his way from street lamp to street lamp, eyes darting nervously overhead as he makes his way home. The feeling had started after he left Tipsy Turvy's Tavern after a few rounds with his fellow guards. The eerie feeling that he was being... watched.

He'd look up every now and again, but the few pegasi gliding lazily towards the south end of town had paid him no mind. Out of the corner of his eye, he'd swear he saw a brief glint of purple armor, if he stopped suddenly he could hear the gentle flutter of wings. The idea of being stalked, especially off-duty and with his only permitted weapon missing, left him feeling something he hadn't since his first year on the job: vulnerability.

Swinging around suddenly, he looked up at the skies again; nothing but the firmament Luna was pulling steadily across the black skies. "Who-- who's there?! I'm warning you, I'm a R-r-r-royal Guard!"

He stood there for a few seconds, waiting for a response, until the tension left him and he realized how foolish he would look if anyone happened upon him. Shouting at the empty streets! He wiped his brow, turning back towards home with a bit more sureness of step.

He ran headlong into a mass of black muscle, white eyes the only distinguishing feature on the otherwise pitch-dark pony. Its wings flared as it reared up, and the guard stumbled backwards, falling over himself as he panicked. The front hooves of the thing came down at each side, and suddenly those blank white eyes were all that he could see, boring into his soul.

>WHERE IS YOUR WEAPON, SOLDIER.

His eyes darted back and forth, searching, praying for someone to come along and see this, to help him against this creature with a voice low and rumbling like thunder.

>LOST IT? LODGED IN SOME HAPLESS CITIZEN WHO CAUGHT YOUR IRE?

He stammered out a few words, somewhere between an explanation and an apology, before the demonic-sounding voice cut him off.

>GUARDS LIKE YOU MAKE ME SICK.

A tendril of black, roughly lasso-shaped, whipped around his body from the thing's hoof, the other end swinging around the nearby lamppost. With a snap, the rope pulled taught and he was held upside down, hanging like some sort of demented care package. No, the way he was tied, it was more like a... a... opossum.

>SHAME YOU CAN'T CUT YOURSELF DOWN. MAYBE NEXT TIME KEEP YOUR BLADE ON YOU.
It rasped, turning and flaring its wings as it prepared to take off.

"What do you want from me?!" the guard glowered, still putting on a brave face despite his predicament.

>I WANT YOU TO TELL YOUR ELITIST, RACIST LITTLE FRIENDS ABOUT ME.

"Who... what... Where do you get off?! Who the hell do you think you are?!" the guard shouted, the red in his face a combination of rage and the blood rushing to his head. The creature paused and looked back, and even though its face was featureless, he could swear there was a smirk upon it.

>...I'M BATMOM.

And with that, it was gone, the guard watching as it disappeared through the city streets.

...

Several blocks away, Glimmer threw off the cheap Nightmare Night costume and Immitation Canterlot Royal Voice Projector, shaking her mane to let it breathe a bit.

"Fuck you, 'Tary. Don't mess with my man." she muttered, turning towards the apartments.
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>Dadling
"12"
~~~
Dadling is sitting on a park bench, ignoring the numerous glares and stares he gets

>Ugh... I'm so screwed... Not just me, but my wife... My kid. How can I help them when I can't even leave my home?

A nice hat is dropped onto Dadling's head

"A good place to start might be to find folks who are willing to lend a changeling an ear."

>YOU!

"Yes! Me!"

>... Who are you again?

"Applejack 12, the one who used to be always looking for work?"

>Wait, used to? You found work?!

"Well, yeah, used to... That pink bitch bombed Doughnut Joe's with a cake batter bomb and the boss had to lay me off due to the cost of clean up, repairs, and such."

>Ouch, you finally found a job and then it had to dump you, huh?

"Yeah, thankfully, Joe's well-connected and promised to give me a good reference to anyone else I contacted. Though I decided to start with the most obvious choice."

>Who? Who'd give us a job?

12 smiles

"The jerks who keep setting us up for this stuff, of course. A lot of opportunities that don't suck are opening up, and I'm off to my next job."

>Which is?

"Border Paperwork Inspector. Sounds like it'll be pretty boring, but it pays. Just don't give up, and know when to run and run fast. And by the way, I think you'll be a great dad."

>Thanks, bro.

They hug briefly

"Later, I gotta get to work."

>And I gotta find work!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>29
"SA"
'Sombra'
~~~~

>...

"...You know, I don't care how long you stare, I'm not going to let the shield down and let you on the castle premises."

>I've got alllll day.

"Look, I wouldn't do it on a normal day, and certainly when you're not carrying a giant bag of something I can't see."

>Just... just get the damn smoke monster out here.

"No? Why would I do that?"

>Please? I said please. Be neighborly.

"No."

>Look, I can't go home until I do this. I promise, no attempted seducing, no hitting on your wife, no hitting on YOU, no nothing. I just need to speak with the giant smoke monster, do the thing I spent SO MANY BITS and SO MUCH TIME coming here to do, and then go home. It's that simple.

"...Fine."

He vanished in a burst of teleportation, returning seconds later with the former king himself in tow.

'You wished to speak with me, former associate?'

>Outside the bubble, please.

"You can say whatever you need to from there."

'Now now, no need to be like that, this fellow is quite pathetic and harmless, I assure you. He couldn't squash a fly with a tank-'

The instant he was outside the bubble, the bag had been chucked right at his ghostly face and erupted into a mess of sparkles and fire.

Needless to say, Shining Armor was quite pissed. Still, he had a cool enough head to merely imprison the assaulting Changeling.

"What the fuck do you think you were-"

>Hold up one sec.

So stunned at the casual nature of the request, he complied.

>Thank you... THERE! OKAY! I DID IT! I'm probably going to PRISON because I did it, but here I am! DIDING IT!.... I know that's not a-

"Um... you... you okay?"

>Be specific, lots of things to bring up.

"You're screaming at air. Did you finally snap?"

>Feels like that every morning. Felt like it a LOT today when I was mining Star-spark crystals. Very dangerous, but they apparently needed me to mine those EXACT crystals. The point clearly would not have been made with regular bombs, it seems.

'Ow.'

>Oh, good, he's not dead. At least I'm not going down for murder... hm?... No... no absolutely not. No. I'm not saying it. I'm not. That sounds so stupid. Stop it. It's stupid. STOP IT! NO!.... ahhhh... don't give me that... no, I'm sure you can go on without... Fff.... FINE! HEY SOMBRA!

'...Yes?'

>Ruby Star, speaking on behalf of a lot of others, would like me to inform you that you are a big, stupid, ugly monster of a king and hopes you get gum stuck in your hair with no way to get it out... and also cloud cancer... cloud cancer isn't a thing, but she hopes someone makes it a thing for you. Anything else?... And you're fat. And you're a bi-LANGUAGE! NO! BAD! I WILL GET THE GHOST SOAP! That's right, I will KILL SOAP to wash your mouth out... I WILL FIND A WAY!

"...The fuck."

'Ruby... Star? The...'

>Leader of the 'spark brigade', yes.

"You know her?"

'I did. Before she died... a thousand or so years ago.'

>We good?... Oh, no, you don't have to... No no, I'll be okay, you just get where you're going.... the giant bug queen in his house shot Celestia, I think I can get out of this... yes, I'm sure... I'll be fine...

"..."

'...'

>...I'll miss you too. Goodbye, children.

As if another explosion had gone off, pure white light surrounded the entire block for several seconds, and faded away.

>...Okay, so, now that they're gone. Two options. One, you take me in and we get into the legal particulars of revenge via angry ORPHAN spirits, or door number two, you put me down, I walk to the train, get on it, go home, wait till none of them are around and have a little drinky, and none of us ever speak of this again. I like plan, B, what about you?

For a solid five minutes, he just stared.

Then the bubble popped.

And 29 left.

"...The FUCK!?"

'If what I think just happened, happened... I deserved that. Probably deserved worse, actually.'

"THE FUCK!?"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Celestia
"Chrysalis"
~~~~

>Well, while we have time to talk I have to say, the old glue in the ice cream tub trick was neat.

"Thank you. By the way, your age is showing. Explosives in the carpet, really?"

>Oh, well, it's certainly no marbles in the shower, but I feel it's at least better than honey in the shampoo bottle.

"You only think that because Shiny confiscated the bees."

>Oh ho, I take it back. Clever girl.

"Almost as clever as the fake tattoo I woke up to this morning. Have to admit, you made it look very real."

>Took a loooot of magic for the words 'Cadence's Bitch' to look natural, but fortunately you have a lot of room to work with.

"Oh you, talking about my big ass while ignoring the 'insert dick here' stickers on either side of yours."

>I actually left those on, just to see the reactions.

"HAH! Speaking of, what do you think Shiny's reaction is going to be when he finds us?"

>Well, we wouldn't have to find out if we hadn't made these snares magic-proof.

"Or if we hadn't been in such a rush we both tied together in the same position."

>Well, thank goodness Shiny is the only one who comes into his office, and he leaves his door shut, or else we'd be mooning the entire castle.

"Speaking of, is your spine getting a little sore? Being face down ass up like this is bending it in a weird way."

>A little. I'll ask for a massage whenever he gets in here.

"...What're the odds he'd just be like 'fuck it' and-"

>Zero.

"Damn."

>...Damn indeed.

"What the hell is taking him so long?"

>...Wait, shit.

"What?"

Meanwhile, directly outside the door, Shining Armor just let out another tired sigh, and continued chipping at the gigantic gum like substance gluing him to his office door.

He didn't know who set that goo-bomb to go off when he turned the knob, but he when he escaped in a few hours, he was going to tear them a new one.
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>DT
"77"

Deep within the bowels of the Gun Club, a certain filly was hard at work. Stink bombs, tacks, itching and sneezing powders, and all manner of other malicious objects of trickery were being placed with care. Diamond Tiara smirked, this would be her masterstroke, a veritable symphony of pranks.

"Impressive."

Tiara's body went rigid, she turned her head towards the meeting table where 77 was idly flicking his knife about, leaned back casually in his chair.

>When'd YOU get here?

"A few minutes ago, when you were packing the obscenely large stinkbomb-I think you called it 'Monstro'?- into Spike's locker. You looked rather enthusiastic, so I decided to stay silent."

>Yeah, well...shit.

"Don't worry, I won't blow the whistle, if the others don't have the instincts to avoid falling victim to your games, it's something they should work on."

>Heh, awesome...hey...why did you come down here in the first place?

"Just looking for a place to relax and ruminate. I've had a lot to think of recently. Nothing I'd trouble you with, of course, Poppet."

>Hey! I'm just as good as the rest, I can take your stupid cave nightmares!

"It's not that, believe me."

77 got up and strode over to the filly, deftly sidestepping a menagerie of snares, tripwires, and pressure plates to put a hoof on her shoulder.

"You're still a child, as much as you say otherwise, I'd prefer to let you have your fun then shift my troubles onto you."

Tiara blinked, scratching at the back of her head.

>Uh...thanks, I guess.

"It's quite alright."

>Wanna give me a hand with this?

Tiara gestured to the near entirety of the room.

"No my dear, I've no real interest in elaborate tricks. I-...huh..."

>What?

"I think one of our compatriots dropped a bit."

Tiara went to look down, brow arched in confusion...

And gave a small yelp of surprise when a chitinous hoof flicked her on the nose. Her head jerked up to 77's smiling face.

>...what. The. Fuck?

"Like I said, I've no interest in elaborate tricks, the old ones do me fine. Have a lovely day, poppet."

77 made his ginger way out of the room, leaving Tiara to fume, then slowly smile back.

>...asshole.
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