Damian Jimison - thoughts

You ain’t ever gonna be happy until you love yours, there’s always gonna be someone that has something you don’t , something you want , but once you love yours , ain’t got shit on you, period.

     I have reasons for the things I do, why do I not like pictures and will do anything to get out of taking them, I have a reason for that, when I’m gone I don’t want people to look back and see me “happy” because I’m not I’m in pain , and the fake smile keeps everyone from knowing the truth, cause nothing can heal the pain I’m in, except a few things , her, drugs, the thought of going alway forever, that’s it. And they don’t even heal me , they just keep me from getting reminded that I’m in pain, and ready to be gone. Getting reminded that I’m hurt and that’s the end. And when everything I have is gone, and keeps me reminded constantly maybe I’ll be gone, maybe I won’t, maybe I’ll sit alone , tears, blood, gun in a bed that will later be covered with me, all of me, and maybe that’ll be the last time you see me alive, in a bed covered in blood, covered in a explainable pain that was never cured and will never be felt again, except for the pain for the bullet through my brain and cuts on my wrist, and at this point it isn’t pain , it’s good pain, a pain I like feeling, a pain, that nobody else can feel, nobody else can see , nobody else can hear, because my pain is never spoke of because it’ll hurt you more than it hurts me. Period.

     I always look happy , look like I’m ok, look like I’m having a good time, but I’m not, I just act happy so you don’t know my pain, don’t feel it, so you don’t see it, I look around at a kids 1st birthday , my cousin, and I look around at everyone singing happy birthday, everyone is smileing taking pictures, is it a fake smile, or a real smile , it looks real to me, I’m thankful nobody else is looking at me , noticing my fake smile, because only a few people can see my real , my not fake smile, and even then, you don’t know the difference, between my real and fake, cause you got used to seeing it, the fake, so now, you know my fake smile, so look out for it, get used to it, because you only see my fake smile, my real one is left only in a few peoples memories, now you know about my smile, and I’ll teach you a little more . Jake Stevenson, my uncle, at 16 , he was into drugs and getting into trouble, going through court, juvenile court , Damian Jimison, me, at 14, I was into drugs and getting into trouble, 13 different cases, juvenile court, alternative school, almost ruining my whole life just for some drugs that kept me away from thinking about the pain, the hurt, the time in my life where her, and suicide was the only answer. I’ve lost friends, all of them, even family hate me, it’s my fault and I know it is, one day there all nice to see me, then now, there happy to see me alive, but not really caring enough to ask me how I’m doing, and when they do I say I’m ok, it’s a instant pleaser, saying that I’m ok , when I’m truely, truely, debating taking a bottle of pills, taking a bullet to the head and never being seen again except in the casket, then it’ll be closed, then you’ll never see me, the fake me , EVER again, you’ll just see me getting 6 ft under , and maybe once more every time you visit my grave. Period.

    If your gonna break my heart , just break it, and if your gonna take your shot , take it, take the chance while you can, because today may be the last day you’ll ever see me, it’s a blessing seeing me tomarrow, knowing that I’m alive , is a blessing, knowing that I’m “happy” is a cover up, it’s a cover up from me, I basically have 2 lives , one, I’m such a happy kid, two, I sit in my room alone, and cry , and want to cut, CONSTANTLY but a promise is keeping me from it, a promise, a promise that can easily be broken to make myself feel better, but a promise that I will keep, until she’s gone, and after she’s gone, after or if we break up for GOOD, I’ll be gone for GOOD, I’ll sit in my room and cry, I’ll cut , everywhere, I’ll cut some ore , then I’ll put a gun to my head and pull the trigger , and this time I won’t forget that damn safety, not this time, this time it’ll be different, a lot different, then when I’m gone don’t say I liked you cause it may of been the first life , the fake life, not the real one, the real one hates most, and acts like I like you when your just someone to me, someone that doesn’t mean something to me, and if I talk to you about this stuff, your more than someone to me, and if you tell people about this, then maybe you’ll just be someone , not someone to me, Period.

  If I think, or am thinking about something, I can’t get it out of my head, it doesn’t leave, when I think about my pain it’s stuck there , it will never leave, until I get something ing to get the thought out of my head, to replace it, that’s the only thing that keeps me happy , the lucid dreams, when I can control what happens, being able to get rid of the anxiety and make the dream how I want it instead of how life makes it, the ways I make it , are always better, period.

     I always study rooms, look at people and see there smiles, I always wonder how or what I’m doing wrong that makes me unable to have a real smile, is it me, or am I just doing something that’s ruining the happiness inside me, maybe pulling the trigger now will finish all the fake and real smiles , then I’ll never have to smile ever again, period.

    I don’t show my feelings, for a reason, so you don’t see my pain, cause when you do , you’ll feel what I feel everyday, every second, every hour, every forever and forever more, and it hurts to even think about it, cause it makes me wanna break down it tears because I can’t show people how I feel, when others can, it isn’t fair, life isn’t fair, not being able to feel what other feel, being able to feel the pain like other do, instead I feel worst , some times I feel like nobody else feels the lowest of the low, as low as I do, period.

Do you ever get in the car and just sit, let your parent or whom ever drive, and you just think , wish, that the car would just boom crash and you could just die, or drive around a corner and go off into the woods, and never be seen again, do you ever just sit, with your girlfriend between your legs , turn your face to look out the window, and wonder, what could be better than this, and look at the lights fade, fade sum more, until boom , there gone, your back at home with tears in your eyes, and typing the way you feel down, because you want someone to read it and understand the pain your facing, do you ever sit in your room and just cry, and wish to go back in time, or wish to skip forward in time , so I could be older and do what I want when I want, what I want , is to be with her, and not have the guilt of the juvenile system over me, not being able to stay out past the curfew, it ruins me , EVERY TIME I think about , I just want time to go quicker,, so I can get if this probation, and back to the new and improved life, the one I wanna live, with my first love, and a bit of 420, I can’t ask for a thought any better than the thought of that, being able to spend time with her, get high with her, my dreams would come true, my life would be complete, no probation, no friends to get me in trouble, just me Emily, and a lot of happiness, mixed with some hidden pain that I keep locked inside me, so nobody can see, come in contact with, or ever meet, and don’t try to unlock me to see, because years of pain and suffering hidden behind one door may just ruin you , not me you, I’ve been ruined for a while, you just don’t see it, period.
If I’m gonna die anytime soon, imma die happy, not in pain, I will run away for 2 days, I will use my stash, and I’ll be me for 2 days, me who I am, not how the police, my mom, everyone wants me to be, you can come with me, but you have to prove to be trusted, to come with me, and stay with me, until the day I’m gone, cause the day I’m gone it won’t be a surprise , you’ll see the pain, I want you too, I’ll be gone before you can send me to the hospital and if I get sent there, when I get out, I’ll be gone fs, easily, the thoughts, the cuts, the end, is near, when she’s gone, all the pain will be uncovered , and I’ll be covered with a casket, then covered with dirt, to never be seen again, no more pain, just me, myself, and I:():, period.

    She’s gonna get sick of me at some point , everyone does, family, friends, my own mom , everyone hates me at some point, wants me to go away , when I have nobody left, I’ll have no choice but to give them what they want, me to go away, forever, forever lost, and to only be seen in little pictures, and memories of my “happiness” that later you’ll see as fake , and always has been, everyone gets sick of me at some point, when will you?, period.

    I have weed , why don’t I smoke it and smile, but instead I don’t, and I fake smile, I want to so bad, but I , but I wanna be with her, I want to be able to see her, be with her, be able to call her mine EVERY second that I could be spending locked up for violating probation, so I don’t, but I want to smile, but I’m saving it for when she’s gone, so I have a reason to smile, a reason to smoke is like a reason to live and when I can’t smoke she keeps me away from it, she’s like my nicotine patches she keeps me away from wanting to smoke, because I wanna be with her, nobody else, her, mine, my baby, it’s tempting to smoke but I’m scared too, I’m scared that I’m gonna get locked up then I fs cant see her, it would ruin me not having her, not being able to see her anymore, not being able to call her mine, trying to forget all the things we’ve done together , all the stuff I still want to do, and the thought of the future we could have, it’s just so perfect to lose, and I’m not gonna lose this , her, us, period.

    The cuts, when I cut I feel free, if you don’t feel pain like me, like lots of others do, and you try cutting and try to feel what we feel, you won’t feel it, it’s a feeling we feel, and only us, when you have felt low, the low like we do, you feel something, you feel free, like nothing can hurt you, but you still know the pain, the problems , are still here, and they won’t leave from your lock box, inside you, and the only way it’ll go away , the problems, is if you end it all, when you get so sick and tired of the pain, the suffering, you wanna end it, like I do most of the time, everyone can feel pain, it’s just who gets sick if the pain and ends or wants to end it all is who you should worry about, worry about me, and everyone else that feels pain like we do, if you feel the pain I feel, you’ll be fine right there, you’ll run back to your old life , it’s life changing , feeling the pain I do, I used to be the kid who would never use drugs and smoke, yet that’s the one thing I want to do CONSTANTLY , juul ing and vaping is what I do to keep me from smoking, it takes me 25 mins at most to get some weed, and it’ll take me 5 seconds to smoke it all and be happy for hours , the hours that I could spend crying, cutting , living in pain, weed can take me away from it all and you don’t see it until you here it, read it, here me tell you that weed is me now a days, and when I’m off probation, imma get dab pens and smoke every second I can, imma get school over with, and I’m gonna smoke all I can, do I can get rid of the pain, so it’s just me , her, and my high see, my happy ass, the fake smile will be gone and the real smile will come out, and be seen by everyone weed takes me away from the real world, keeps me from thinking about the pain, the suffering I’m going through, because I’ll be thinking about the feeling I’m having to while I’m high, every time I’m high I feel a new feeling every time I get high, a better feeling , weed is perfect for me, period.

Emily, this ones about her, what do I do to find someone to perfect , people date girls for how they look, for “who you are” or what they do to you, no this is different , Emily is somthing to me, were 2 broken people, 2 broken people that are perfect together , and she, her, my baby, she can feel pain, she feels pain, the pain I can’t even say that I feel, everyone feels pain, it’s the people who feel pain together , the people who feel pain, and can relate in some ways, that live, live together, but that’s not the point, I care about her feelings as much as she doesn’t see it, when I can ask her about her feelings, when I get a chance that’s all I wanna hear about, all I want to talk about, even though it doesn’t seem like it, I love hearing about people’s feelings, especially hers, it makes me feel like I can relate to the pain she feels, the pain is what keeps us so close, it keeps us alive, being able to talk about it with each other. She’s beautiful, perfect, something, something I can’t dream of having, someone I can’t dream of having, like every time she says she’s not cute , she’s ugly or anything in that way, I cry, I don’t show it but I do, cause I just wish she could see what I see, see what I see in her, see what she looks like to me, she may think she’s ugly or not cute, but to me, she’s the most beautiful person that I’ve ever seen and being able to call her mine, and to know that nobody else can have her, just warms my heart, like how did I get someone so beautiful, mf sexy af, everything above, nothing below, and the feelings that I have for her, the things that I feel with her, I wish to never lose , but Ik i won’t, but If i do, it won’t be her, that’s losing me forever, it’ll be my family, the ones that push me away when I need help, or when I’m going through some shit, sometimes, most of the time , at family events, I sit in this grey chair with this blanket, and I remember on Christmas, nobody said anything to me I said my thank you s
and stuff and I felt like I wasn’t there, and they didn’t even notice me there, saying thanks, idk If they were focused on everyone else , but I felt invisible, gone, dead, and maybe if I’m dead, maybe they’ll notice me a little bit more, remember me, because when I’m home in my future death bed, crying , not able to see because of the swelling of my eye lids, maybe they will remember me , after they read this, if they even care, period.

When I’m gone I wanna be buried, I wanna be wearing my fav cloths, sweat pants, and roses 🥀 lots of them, I want all my friends to sprinkle weed on my grave every time it’s my birthday, burry me with some wraps , and sum weed and so I can be forever living the life I wanna live, flying, up above , high, flying high and being high all the time, is my all time dream, period.

    I don’t feel physical pain anymore, pain that I put on myself, when I cut I don’t feel it, right now I’m sitting in the bath, with the water temperature as hot as it gets, with my feet under it, I feel the heat burning my toes slowly, I feel it, but I wont stop , I like the feeling of pain, it feels like it’s gettin hotter and hotter, but my heads telling me to keep going, I can feel the ends of my toes, burning , it feels like it’s just getting hotter and hotter, but I wanna feel more , so I put my whole lower half of my body under it, so I can feel a lot more pain, but don’t worry, this isn’t even close to the pain I feel , when I’m ignored, ghosted my everyone, as if I’m not here , I listen to depressing music to relate, and I can, in every song I can relate to it, rn I’m listening to sex with my ex, I can’t relate to fucking my ex , but laying on a death bed, I can relate to it, everyday I live that death bed , my future death bed, the place I sleep every night, is my death bed , the place I’ll kms on, remember the look of it, cause one day it’ll change, one day the brown sheets will be red , the blue blanket, will be mixed with red, now what are you gonna do with them, when I’m gone and I’m permanently stained to them all, from the bed to the blankets you might as well burn them, period.

I can’t take pills, because of probation, but otc meds, are different, I take sleeping meds, I take a bunch at a time to pass the time, so time will go by faster, so I don’t have to deal with the pain, so I sleep instead, you can deal with the pain, or you can sleep, and not have to think about it, so it just keeps it out of my mind, and at school I’m busy day dreaming about Emily, so when I go home I don’t have WiFi for a bit, so I don’t have to deal with any pain, I don’t eat , and I haven’t ate in weeks , I usually just snack, I’m down to around 75 pounds rn, I’m slowly staving, I want to eat, but I think to much, so I sleep instead, when I get WiFi again, I’ll start eating, that’s a promise, cause then I’ll have something to tell me to eat, Emily 😂🙄, always telling me to do stuff I really don’t want to ❤️, but I get it I would want her eating, it’s just the fact that the pain is seeping into my daily life without being able to keep my mind off it, Emily keeps me away from the pain, but when I’m unable to talk to her, the pain seeps in and I have to think about it, rn I’m tired really tired the 4 pills are making me wanna fall asleep, but I don’t wanna sleep I wanna sit up and think , but In the end I will be happy I slept, cause If I don’t, it’ll seep, and the cuts will sleep without me even realizing I even cut, so sleeping rn is what I need, because I made a promise I’m gonna keep, not to cut, btw the sleeping pills help me sleep, there otc so OD ing is not a factor in this, so you don’t get mad cough cough *whisper* emily 😂, period.

As long as I’m with you , I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid of die ing at this point, I’m used to wanting to die, used to cutting , the blood dripping down, tear drops everywhere like rain, everything is getting wet,l but I’m not afraid of getting that gun ready, ready to pull the trigger, boom instantly my life can be ended, with pain forever forgotten , except for the people who read this , finally feeling my pain, just from these words, I spend days writing this , these, I started weeks ago, cause I want people to feel, to know the pain I was in, so when I’m gone, you know the reasons, not reason, the things that killed me, things, there’s more than one reason, many reasons, just know that me killing myself isn’t hurting me, just know it’s gonna hurt you, not me, I want you to feel every single bit of pain that I went through, every single thought that comes to my head , I want you to feel it, to feel the pain In these words, cause if you don’t understand the pain from these words , you don’t mean anything to me, because when you see me In person, and remember me, doing what I was doing, you can see, finally see, finally notice that I was in pain, but didn’t care enough to go look closely , to look closely for the pain, because when you notice it finally after reading this, your gonna wish you would of noticed it sooner, because by then I’ll be gone, already gone , forever, no more of me, only the words are gonna be left , my things will be left, the memories of me, left behind, forever, and the grave, don’t visit me unless you’ve read this, but by now , it would be shared with you, this isn’t a death note, it’s more of how I feel, so that when I’m gone with a bullet in my brain, you’ll know the pain, not a final good bye, period.

She asks herself daily if I’m gonna be here any longer, with her, be here with her, by her side, I’m 3 years, and guess what, idk if I’m gonna be here , if she can stay for 3 years , I can stay here for 10, I can say here for 15, for 30, for the end of time, if she can make it, stay with me for 3 years, just 3 years , I promise I’ll stay with her for the rest of time, until I’m gone, and she’s gone, we both need to do this , and Ik we can, it’s been 6 months already tomarrow, and knowing that, it feels like it’s been a few weeks, it’s gone by so fast, it’s gone by, and it’s been so fun, I just winter of it’s not me that can stay for 3 years, it’s her, can she take y shit for this long, can she?, cause atm In can barely take my own shit, but her, can she take it, not being able to see me after 8:30 , will 8:30 be the only time she can see me, before she or I has to go home, I think not, I believe, that im gonna stay out of trouble, until April at least and the most I’ll do is smoke, because , that’s what makes me me, but it’s not that by then, it’ll be recreational and I’ll be able to smoke all I want and permanently be me forever, with the girl of my dreams, one thing I gotta do before I can have anything, is just , one thing, I have to stay out of trouble, and I know I can, I have to, or my life is just gone, and she is gone, forever, period.

Some people believe don’t believe me when I explain the pain, they believe that I’m using it for attention, or I’m using “fake pain” so that I can relate to people to make them feel better, when that’s not it, this is real pain, do you ever wanna explain something that is so big and so hard to explain, it’s just not something I can explain, but I’m gonna explain, at least try, do you ever have no pleasure in life, or doing anything, like, you don’t want to participate in anything, wanna get away from family events, just imagine that with life, you have no pleasure in participating in anything, in life. Do you ever feel in focused in school or doing anything in daily life, everyone does, but it’s different when you feel pain like this, you don’t feel focused anymore, you feel like you can never focused and when you can, you can’t, cause you zone out and have these lucid dreams, when you can control things in your dreams , control what happens, but it’s like that constantly. You feel hopeless, you feel like nothing will ever get better, and when you try and do everything to make it better, it doesn’t, it just comes back ,  I went to get treatment twice, every time I got back from it I didn’t talk much, because I felt that if I did I wouldn’t have to deal with people getting close to feeling my pain, I don’t want them to feel t like I do cause it’s life changing, the hopelessness if forever changing me, when your “better” it comes back, and it won’t leave, until you use your patches to keep the pain away for a while before it comes back. You have no self-esteem, I have so maybe flaws, my hair, my size, my weight, the way I look, my teeth , my acne, my feet, everything even the little things , it’s all horrible, my girl friend thinks I’m “hot” or what ever but I can’t see it at all, not ONE bit , it’s all horrible to me. Sleeping, you stay up EVERY NIGHT all night long , lonely, you think, you think so much that you fall asleep, then wake up mins later to see your in the same place crying for your flaws, and the depression, and how it’s slowly changing, ruining, killing you. Food, most of us like food, most, not all, rn I’m at 65-70 Lbs. I’m usually 115 - 120 but it’s slowly going down and down until I might just starve myself to death, until I’m gone, me, my depression, will never get better, EVER, period.

What is wrong with me, am I doing something?, am I just that bad at doing stuff?, do I do it wrong?, does she not want me to do anything anymore?, what’s wrong with me, what am I doing, she’s doing everything to me, and I think, I feel like I’m never giving her what she wants, or doing anything to her, at this moment, idc for the stuff she does idk if she doesn’t see it or if she likes doing it to me, but as long as I have her I’m fine with doing nothing, but that’s also a lie, I wanna do stuff, but I don’t wanna feel like I’m never doing or giving her what she needs or aspects me to do, believe me I try every-time, I get pushed away, I don’t know what to do about it? Just wait?, or just not try at all anymore until she moves my hand to it?, idk but I gotta find out what it is cause this thought hasn’t gone away for days, ever since our first time f****** I feel like we don’t do stuff like we used too, have fun like we used too, like we have fun, but not that kind of fun, well as much as we used too, idk I’ll just wait, period.

I wanna die rn, idc if my bsf is right never to me rn sleeping, idc if my brother is laying on the floor trying to sleep, my girlfriend called my bsf 3 times he answered twice and I heard her voice, Ik her voice more than everything, I go there every Saturday and I can’t mix her voice with anyone else’s, her laugh too, Ik it by heart, Ik when it’s her and when it’s not , and when she’s mad i immediately wanna die, it always feels like the end for me, I get super hot , dripping sweat, not able to control my thoughts, unable to ever think straight without the feeling of hopelessness coming around , and around , and around in my head, just never leaves , no matter how hard I try, it’s still there. I want to cut so bad, I have everything ready the knife is ready and I’m ready to cut , looking at it slowly , wanting to do bad, but I can’t and I won’t even thought I want to so bad, it’s I believable, sometimes it feels like she gets so into hanging out with her friends, that she doesn’t notice me, she didn’t notice it, but she left me on read a bit ago, I didn’t say anything so I txted again to get her to pay attention to me, she says she will get rid of all her friends just for me, just so she an give all her attention that she has to me, yet , she’s giving one word messages for like everything I say, it’s not annoying, it’s just, its just , unreal, the amount of times we fight , and it’s never when I’m doing something thing, it’s always over the little things, like her calling him 3 times in the middle of the night after he told her he has work in the morning, like Ik he fucked up but how hard can it be not to just call someone knowing they have to do something important, that’s what’s unreal to me, then I simply ask her not to call him and she gets mad, it’s ok she’ll get over it, I hope, sometimes it feels like she won’t get over it, she’ll just keep the grudge, but she usually doesn’t, maybe if I got her attention, but no it’s not worth it, another fight over promises on top of this one, it’s not worth it, I hope it gets better, cause it not imma be in this chair, with my brother and bsf behind me sleeping, while blood is dripping down, with pills in my system, maybe then, I’ll never have to fight with anyone again, never have to question the outcome of a fight, if we’ll still be together or if I’ll be in the dead in the middle of the nigh, period.