Sometimes you just need to scream into voids

Is it me? Can't be me.I'm too loveable, too grand, too up my own ass to figure shit out on a level that neither makes sense nor chooses to make sense. Because the moment I start to make sense, my brains fucks out on me as if there were a great big conspiracy about to unfold, and let's be honest here, I'm the only one on this sight actually using pastebin for blogs, mainly because it gets high hit counts per post, which makes me feel important or some other bullshit. I keep having flash backs to boot-camp and just losing myself in the memories, altered day after day after day, trying to make sense of something that neither important, nor really needs to be considered as such.
It's kind of like when you have to poop REALLY badly, but you spend four hours on the shitter and all that comes out is a shit plug, and you're left thinking, "Well, that was a waste of a wonderful day." Because I've a very set mental schedule that follows two tracks, and they work for me. Why am I not getting into those tracks? I don't know... I just don't know anymore. I wish I could figure it all out, get my life together and everything, but as it stands maybe I just don't care enough? Maybe I'm lost in the quagmire of my own thoughts and the weird cycle of BS that is the news cycle at this point.
I never used to watch CNN, always thought it was boring as fuck, I really, really did, then Donald Trump ran and, well, I was glued to the hopes that he'd lose. And he still might, so there's that line of logic. I'm a very happy person, yeah, I live with my folks, don't drive (I can't see any real reason to learn how to drive.) and enjoy leisurely days while not having a job. Well, a regular paycheck, I'm an author... but that's going REAL well, and from the constant insistence of my parents that I just play on my laptop... which I don't, they're just angry pieces of shit most of the time, so why the fuck should I let their words influence my way of thinking, just seems kind of bullshit.
My mom is kind of a control freak, always has to have things her way in one fashion or another. The one thing she doesn't really have control over is my relationship, as much as she wishes she did. She tries to get her claws in my head about the whole thing, but I just don't care for it and hardly pay attention whenever she starts in on it. We barely talk to each other anymore, only spending scant amount of time together, and spending it in short bursts, or else we get kind of bitchy at each other.
I don't really use Facebook that often anymore, I'd block my mother, but then she'd just bitch at me and threaten me with homelessness until I re-added her. There's just a lot of pent up resentment I hold towards her, and it's pretty fucked up that I can't do just shit about it, it really is.
My step dad is... just that, a step dad. We talk, just about the same amount as mym other and I, usually, all three of us our in our own little worlds, doing our little things here and there, for the most part, we call ourselves a family, but really, it's just a bunch of people making the best of a bad situation.
My train of thought usually gets interrupted mainly due to my mind flipping out every thirty seconds, or because something distracts me and i lose the thought. writing is usually my saving grace, because my spoken thoughts are a mess now a days. So I just don't talk that much, it feels like there's usually a giant road block stopping any thought from truly being complete. Almost frustrating in a way, but that's usually what happens now a days. I used to be able to run the whole entire gambit without having to take a nap, though I think that's just from being around two 50 year old's for large amounts of time.

I read in a study somewhere, sometime, and somehow, that our environments determine our personality traits over time, and I've got to agree on that, my usually energetic and bouncy self, thanks in part to the trauma I went through at boot camp, has largely been snuffed out. In fact, Boot-camp left me broken inside. Like everything's just a mishapen piece, but nothing really fits together. There's always little bit and bobs sticking out at odd angles...

That's it for me right now.

Feel free to get in touch with me:
Twitter: @MorganGavin
YT/Getsutomo
Email: dr3arms@gmail.com