Thread 16: Stories 31-45

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>77
"Cheerilee"
'Luna'
-56-

77 looked upon the gardens of Canterlot castle, a smile on his singularly eyed face. The sun was shining, the wind was just right...

It was a perfect day for croquet.

-DARN IT!-

Well, almost.

>No no, little brother, you can't just smack the ball willy nilly. You need to have a finesse.

-I do have finesse, I have a ton of finesse!-

To punctuate his point, 77's student jerked his head, mallet clutched in his mouth as he struck the ball. It promptly went sailing into a tree and, from the series of choked squawks coming from within, may have hit a bird.

>...well, we're lucky Princess Fluttershy has traveled abroad hunting her dopplegangers. Now here, let me show the proper positioning for this...

A few yards away, waiting their turn (or rather for the other team to figure the game out), Luna and Cheerilee stood in the shade of one of the garden's trees.

"It's so nice to see two brothers bonding like this."

'...it would appear your beau is attempting to give 56 the heimlich maneuver.'

"Just lovely. So Princess, I didn't know you and 77 were friends."

'We are more like good acquaintances, I helped him through some...problems he was having in his dreams.'

"Well that is just fantastic, Princess, thank you for helping him."

'Yes...Miss Cheerilee, may I ask a question?'

"Of course Princess!"

'You and 77, you are lovers, correct?'

"Yes."

'How deep does your love go?'

Cheerilee giggled a bit.

"Well I'd say all the way, Princess, but I'm not really one to kiss and tell."

'Indeed...would you say it's reciprocated?'

"Well I should hope so! Did you know he made me chocolates just a few days ago? He is the sweetest thing!"

'Miss Cheerilee, I may need to speak with you-'

"Oh just a moment, dear, I think our boys' bonding is getting a tad heated."

>No no no, you have to aim the ball THROUGH the arches!

-I AM aiming it through the arches, it's not GOING through the arches!-

>Little brother can you please stop shouting, my ears are starting to ring!

-No YOU stop shouting, MY ears are starting to ring!-
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>Celestia
“Various Dignitaries”
‘Applejack’
~~~~

As the grand hall was filled to the brim with fire-igniting, juggling, fiction-writing Changelings, the ballroom, returned to its natural splendor, was where the annual ‘Joint Sessions’ banquet happened to be in full swing. This year the event was sanctioned for Canterlot, meaning nation leaders from nearly every major state and continent had arrived, largely to spy and one-up one another, but also to keep the peace.

For the most part, as she glanced around at all her invited guests, bored nearly to the point of yawning, Celestia could count on one hoof how many she actually remembered. Which is why she thanked Starswirl above that Applejack stood next to her when the emissary of Saddle Arabia waved and trotted over.

>Oh buck me sideways… her name is on the tip of my tongue…

Applejack rolled her eyes.

‘Ya mean like the other five names? Tch, right. Her name is Yara, Saddle Arabia.’

>I knew th- Helloooo… Yara? Yara! Because I knew that all along, yes!

“Always the funny one you are, Celestia! Wonderful banquet as always, dear, just… some of us were wondering why the ballroom was chosen for this event. It’s always been the grand hall over the many years.”

Another pony quickly joined their conversation, this one a mare with a large red dot betwixt her eyes.

“Yes, it is a topic of much discussion! We all appreciate the change of scenery but why?”

Even if Celestia wanted to answer, she couldn’t. Because she didn’t know this dignitary’s name, and with her this close, there was no way Applejack could secretly tell-

‘Glad yer’ enjoyin’ yerself, Krishna. An’ well, we... uh... jus’ wanted to spice things up as a treat for our esteemed guests!’

>We did…? O-oh, yeah! That’s right, yup! This day is all about strengthening ties and making sure everypony has a good time!

Upon hearing that, there was much blushing amongst the two exotic mares and eventually word spread of this ‘thoughtful’ act, enough so that all the patrons began clopping their hooves together in favor of the solar princess.

When it died down, Celestia could only give Applejack a firm, open-hooved slap on the flank.

>That was a very nice save there.

‘It’s what Ah’m here for.’

Applejack glanced about at all the drinking and chattering ponies, ponies of varying importance depending on from where they hailed. There was even Gwendolyn with her escort.

This was the biggest event of a leader’s life, where Celestia opened her ears and the opportunity to discuss the future of Equestria as a whole was granted, where they could trade, establish different connections, better understand the thinking of their neighbor. And with the other troublemakers forcibly kicked out for the time being, the meeting had a very high chance of success. So far, everything was going good. No hostility, mostly smiles, even if some were fake, and the atmosphere was calm.

Yeah... real pleasant.

‘Then why do Ah have such a bad feelin’...?’

>Applejack, look sharp! Who’s this stallion coming up? He’s waving a spear around! Is he dangero-

‘That’s Dead Hoof from the Frozen North settlement. He- seriously…? Y’all don’t remember him? He was here less than three months ago!’

>Three months ago was the release of the new ‘Volcanic Tempest’ line of cakes. I think that’s good reason not to remember anypony during that time.

‘Fer’ bucks sake….’
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>???
~~~~

The terror on the Saddle Arabian's faces were impossible to deny. What was once an overly garish, and perhaps a little extravagant, city was now reduced to but rubble.

But the worst part...

The worst part is when she spoke.

>Okay, I KNOW this is the wrong way now. How the fuck did I end up back in the desert? I've been here twice now! And... are those Saddle Arabians!? HOW THE FUCK AM I CLEAR OVER HERE!?...WHERE THE FUCK AM I!?

She let out another roar, and stamped down so hard the entire earth shook.

>FUCK YOU, GEOGRAPHY! I'LL PUNCH YOU TILL YOU MAKE SENSE!
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>Scientist pony
"Assistant"
~~~~

>I'VE DONE IT!

"You have!?"

>Yes, my wayward assistant! I've discovered a way to stop that monster that is about to destroy our fair city!

"Fantastic! How can we do it!?"

>All I have to do is use this formula to turn air into an acid! Then, once she ingests it, she'll lose her ability to breath, and thus die!

"How are we supposed to get her to ingest it?"

>...

"...Fool me once, professor."

>Fiiiiine, we'll get an intern to do it.

"Alright, give me the device and I'll have it out there in no time!"

>I will!... just as soon as it's ready.

"Which will be?"

>...Uh... calculations say aboooout... six months.

That's when the screaming started outside.

>...Might be a bit late to the party on this one.

"No shit."
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>Celestia
"Pinkie Pie"

Seven months ago...

~~~~~~~~~~~

"This is the only way Celly..."

>But you've done so much! Baked goods have never been more in demand! Bakeries litter the country!

"And Party stores exist on every corner... I know... But when everyday is a party... They become meaningless... They're not special anymore... I... I don't want to do this anymore."

>But we finally have peace! Real and true peace with our neighbors! My little ponies have never been happier and neither have I why must it end!?

"Because I'm not happy anymore Celly... If you put streamers and balloons on anything it looks better... but its not... underneath there is still a mess. We've put a party mask over every blemish... Everything is still messed up... even if everyone else is happy..."

>I guess... No... I know you're right...

"You need to turn somepony else into a Princess... Someone who'll do right by everypony..."

>And you truly wish that no pony remembers... not even me or you?

"Yes..."

>Very well... but If I not you... Then who should I choose?

"Honestly... I think Applejack would be a way better choice.

NON CANON
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Celestia takes another bite of the triple-fudge bundt a la mode, letting the fork hang in her magic for a moment before she breaks off another piece. It never fixes her problems, and may have actually caused her more than a couple, but she didn't question why. Something about a pinch of sugar, a baked and artfully decorated bit of happiness, makes her forget her troubles. Not for long, of course. She'd be back to signing documents and authorizing excavations sooner than she'd want. For just this moment though, the cake reminds her of... well, maybe not better times. But happier times.

She wishes she could remember what they were.

NON CANON
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>Stagepony
"Various"
~~~~~~

>NOW, MY AUDIENCE, I bring you... the either wonder of the world!

"Oh wow, that is a really big monkey."

"Fucking huge!"

>FEAST YOUR EYES! You will never see a creature so powerful! So massive! So utterly terrifying in all of his body!

*SNAP!*

*OOOK OOOK OOOK!*

>OH NO! THE MONSTER IS FREE! OH MY HUBRIS! PONY WAS NOT MEANT TO CONTROL THE NATURE OF THIS WORLD! OUR FOLLY IS-

He would have kept going if a black, chitinous steamroller hadn't rolled through at that moment.

>...Huh.

"..."

>...So, I guess the moral is...

"Don't fuck with dinosaurs?"

>I'm going to say yes.
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>RD
"Soarin"
'LD'
[Gilda]
~~~
>Alright, listen up, ladies! And gentlecolts.

"Thank you!"

>We've been getting reports all over Equestria, and I mean ALL OVER, and beyond about some kind of big, black, rampaging monster. Now we are under trained with our own weapons and they're still being modified further, and reports say these monsters are apparently impervious to damage, so I want to make this clear: We're going in armed with radios, we all spread out to different corners of Equestria and report anything matching the descriptions and composite sketches I'm handing out now.

'So... We actually DON'T have to fight this thing?'

>Correct.

'Oh, thank Celestia!'

>I also want to make this clear that this is NOT an invitation to go to Neighvada and hang out in a casino with hookers for the next twenty four hours!

[That only happened once! Okay! And you seemed to enjoy the hookers too!]

>Any further questions? No? Alright, we have our orders, the maps with previously sighted locations, descriptions and radio hooks ups! Wonderbolts, LET'S FLY!
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>AJ56
“Luna”
[Chrysalis]
_________

[This isn’t a good idea. It's actually quite the opposite. It's a terrible, terrible idea.]

“Oh remove the two-by-four from thine wretched posterior. Look at his face, he’s ecstatic.”

[Ecstatic with the stupid. Like you are right now. See, this is why I don’t let others in on our movie night. It’s sacred, they don’t understand the intricacies; why I’d hiss right now if it weren’t beneath me.]

>Okay! I’m back with my pick for movie night!

[HISSSSSSS~!]

56 blinked, then bared his fangs and hissed right back at Chrysalis with a smile, coming up to nuzzle against her foreleg.

[Hey!]

>I love you, too!

[W-what? You little nimrod, that was a hiss of contempt, not endearment!]

>You eat deer mints…? That’s gross, not-mom….

[…]

“Release it, Chrysalis, it was a battle lost from the get-go. Now, 56, what movie has thou picked for the night?”

>This one, this one! You’re both gonna love it!

Luna magicked it from his grip and lifted it for both herself and Chrysalis to see.

“…”
[…]

>Well? Good job 56, right?

[What… what the hell is this even? ‘Wretched Ralph… 2’? I- what? First of all, I thought it was Wreck-It-Ralph! Where did this fuckery come from?]

56 continued to beam as he took the DVD from Luna, who remained staring at an empty space with bafflement, and fiddled with the player.

>It’s a spinoff to the original Wreck-It-Ralph! Wretched Ralph is what happens when Ralph goes into the Resident Evil games and gets bitten! The first one was about the journey and infection, but this one here revolves around him infecting the central game terminal! It’s gruesomely excellent!

“…”

[This is the exact shit I was talking about, moonass. See what you’ve wrought? I blame you.]

Luna’s eye twitched as 56 jumped on the beanbag cushion, got comfy and patted the space on either side.

>Come on, you two, it’s starting! And don’t worry, it’s not required to see the first to get the second!

“…”

Puffing her chest like she was facing down a shooting gallery, Chrysalis made for the cushion, dragging a frozen Luna with her.

[Well, we made this fucked up bed, might as well lie in it.]
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>Teen Pony
"Teen Pony 2"
~~~~

>WOOO!

"THIS IS SO STUPIIIIID!"

>Shut up and pull the cart!

"Why are we running up beside this thing!? WHY!?"

>You kidding? This footage is going to be insaaaaaaaane! SO MUCH MONEY!

"I just really do not feel comfortable getting so close to this thing!"

>We're at least a quarter mile back!

"STILL TOO CLOSE!"

>Gotta do it man! You only live once, brah! YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!

"...You know what? You're right! My whole life, I've been running from all the exciting things. My whole life, I've been sheltered, hidden, LAME! But no more!"

>That's the spirit!

"Today, I'm going to take life by the horn! Today, I'm going to run like the wind, fly like the griffon! LIVE LIKE A KING!"

>Uh, Brah? We actually-

"NO MORE HOLDING BACK! NO MORE RESISTING THE CALL OF ADVENTURE!"

>No seriously, we're really clo-

"UPON THIS EARTH, I SHALL MAKE MY MARK! FOR I! AM! FREEEEE-"

>BRAH!

"...."

>...You stupid son of a bitch.

He didn't question why he deserved to be called that.

The circular shadow surrounding them and the rush of something heading towards the ground said it all.
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>Seller
“Stallion”
‘Mare’
_______

>See, you folks are downright stealing this home away at the incredibly low, low cost we’ve got going for it! I mean, honestly? I’d buy it myself, *that’s* how good it is! And that’s a lovely coat you’ve got there, ma’am.

‘O-oh my…’

“Ha, are you trying to sell us a house or pick up my mare, pal?”

>Why not both?

‘…’

“Excuse me?”

>I said why not row? You know, rowing? Check out that beautiful lake, less than forty steps from the patio door! Who needs a plain old shower when you can just leap from the bed and right into rejuvenating nature?

“Ah… well, yes, that is a good point….”

‘Oh sweetie, I love it! It’s close to the outskirts of town and surrounded by a calm forest, it’s perfect!’

“Speaking of, what can we expect of animals? Nothing dangerous, right?”

>Are you kidding, sir? The most those trees are hiding are a few cute, twitchy-nosed rabbits and some birds to lift you up every morning with their sweet chir-

A sudden roar of terror cut across the seller’s words followed by a stampede of frightened timberwolves, manticores and baby ursa majors that came galloping from the forest depths, diving over and around the three stunned ponies.

>…
“…”
‘…’

>…Um, that was… see, sometimes we, uh-

Again, the real estate pony was interrupted when a creature of mindboggling height stomped out less than two seconds later, obliviously trampling the house up for sale as it lumbered onward.

“…”
‘…’

>…OH COME ON! THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE SALE OF MY CAREER! I WAS PLANNING TO RETIRE WITH THIS ONE!

“Sorry to hear that, pal. Better luck next time, eh?”

>…can I possibly interest you two in another house a bit further down the-

“‘No.’”

>SHIT!
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>Beach Pony
"Beach Zebra"
'Various'
{???}
~~~~~

>DUUUDE! ARE YOU SEEING THESE SICK WAVES!?

"Ya' mahn! Dis is gonna be da' hottest ride in town... next to ya' mom!"

'Do you two seriously want to die? There's sharks!'

"Dey's just jumpin' at da' ghosts like me mudder did when da' chair squeaked! Ain't nottin' out dere!"

'WE CAN SEE THE FINS!'

>Ahh, those are just the little fishes of the deep my man! Besides, those tubular waves are just HUNGRY for my sick moves, bro!

'You are going to die!'

>Bro, you are harshing my buzz.

"Da' little fillies wanna run and hide, dey can! But we' gonna live like it was our last day on da' earf!"

>WOOOOO!

With a splash, they flopped into the water, and paddled out... right towards the swirling fins

'...Those idiots are going to die.'

'Yeah, but it'll be fun to watch.'

>WOOO! THESE ARE THE SICKEST WAVES EVER!

"DEY'S HIGHER DAN AH' WAS WHEN AH' GOT ME LAST PAYCHECK MAHN!"

>RIPPAGE!

"...OH NO!"

>LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT LOOK OUT!

'See? There they go, into the gaping maw of-'

"NAW MAHN! HE MEANS YOU GUYS!"

'...What?'

In a flurry of sand and black chitin, they were gone.

>Dude... not radical.

"De poor souls."

{Excuse me?}

>...Whoa, you're not a shark. Far out.

{No no, were seamares.}

{We can see the confusion, actually, it's the fins.}

{We were actually just wondering if you guys had dicks?}

"...What?"

{Like, we don't know what land ponies dicks look like.}

>Uh... like this, I guess.

{Oh good! That's what we were hoping for. Any chance you guys would be down to get in an flock?}

"What be dis' flock?"

{Oh, I think you guys called it an... orgy, I believe. It's just, we don't have any males, and we want to add some spice to this.}

>Do we have to go underwater?

{No no, we learned our lesson from last time. Air is a thing you need. What do you say?}

>...Bro?

"Ya', mahn?"

>Brohoof.

"Brohoof my brudder."

>...Did you think this was going to go way different?

"Was pretty sure I was gonna die first"

>Right? Weird.
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>Pegasus
"Pegasus 2"
~~~~~

>...H-how...

"Well... I guess the Cloudsburg Flutterbutts are going to have to forfeit this season."

>OUR CITY IS GONE!

"Hey man, my daughter worked for months to qualify for that team! So... harsh dream shattering stuff right there."

>HOW THE FUCK DID THAT THING GET UP HERE!? IT'S A CLOUD CITY!

"It had wings."

>IT WASN'T FLYING!

"...Huh, I... huh... well, she did say something about being 'so fucking lost'."

>WHYYYYYYY!?

"Poor sense of direction?"

>...

"...What? You explain it. Go ahead."

>...

"That's what I thought."
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>RD
"Soarin"
~~~
"This is Soarin to team, do you read me?"

>Loud and clear, flyboy, what's your status?

"I have a confirmed visual on the target, she is stumbling through the Everfree forest, a good three miles from Ponyville."

>Soarin, dive into Ponyville and call for an immediate Evac! I want the place a ghost town before the hostile takes another step! I'm moving to your position to help evac Zecora from her place! Under no circumstances are you to engage the target! I repeat DO NOT engage!

"Heard you loud and clear, captain. Can I say I'm also glad you issued us the diapers?"

>... I didn't issue diapers.

"... I am gonna need a new flight suit after this then."
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>Applejack
“Celestia”
‘Gwendolyn’
_________

>Hey, Celly….

“Applejack! Come, come, Gwendolyn here was just telling me all the fantastical things she’d like to do with every single Changeling in existence!”

There was something oddly strangled about Celestia’s smile, and being the quick-witted mare that she was, Applejack just blinked from her to Gwen.

>No, Gwen, we’re not gonna feed ‘em to the dragons.

‘I was actually-’

>No stringin’ ‘em up like sacrifices to the timberwolf tribes, either.

‘Damn. I’d heard you were a prude but thought it the usual banter of gossip.’

>Wait, who told y’all Ah was a… no, don’t matter none. Celly? A word? Now?

When the two of them were a good couple feet away from anypony- or gryphon- Applejack tapped the ground with a forehoof.

>Feelin’ that?

“The slight buzz from Dead Hoof’s special ice cider? Why yes, yes I am. Are you?”

Applejack’s horn suddenly gave off a rather wonky orange glow. She directed it at Celestia who blinked with genuine surprise when she was enveloped in the orange hue for a couple seconds, and still looked confused when it fell.

>That work?

“Depends. What were you trying to do?”

>That thing Chrysalis does, where she sobers ya up?

“Ah. Well, yes and no. You almost snatched out one of my back teeth so I’m quite clear-headed thanks to the pain.”

>…Oh. Well, as Ah was sayin’, ya feel this? The ground’s rumblin’….

“Is it? I can’t feel anything.”

>Ah’m an earth mare, we’re darn near synched with the ground we walk on and Ah’m tellin’ ya, it’s tremblin’ worse than Winona on bath night.

Even after grinding her gilded hoof into the tiled floor, Celestia felt nothing. So she turned back to stare out the grand hall entrance, those massive double-doors had been left open to allow the wind freedom to come and go as it pleased.

“…”

Her silence was deep, disturbingly so.

>What? What is it?

“I… don’t see any crumb cake on the table! Maybe it’s hidden behind the chocolate marble slices, you think?”

>…Y’all done went daft?

“Applejack, I’m sure it’s nothing. Look around you, everything’s fine. No one’s panicking, no one’s screaming, no one’s dying most importantly. This is what we've always wanted, we’re finally having a meeting go off without a single hitch!"

>Yeah, an’ that don’t strike y’all as the slightest bit odd?

“I think trying to fix Equestria’s problems has made you just a tad cynical towards placidity, dear. Good things can still happen.”

Applejack stomped a hoof, the sharp clopping sound enough to draw a few stares.

>Look, Ah’m not arguin’ that. Ah’m jus’ sayin’ some precautions wouldn’t hurt. An’ how d’ya explain the rumblin’?

“Well, the representatives from Manehattan and Fillydelphia seem to be dancing and they are rather heavyset....”

>…alright. Ya know what, fine. Ah’m goin’ outta my mind-

“I never said that ,dear.”

>Might as well have, but okay. Ah’ll let it go… but this is gonna wind up bein’ one of those ‘all yer’ fault’ moments, Celly. Bet on it. Enjoy yer’ crumb cake.

And Applejack strode past the princess, towards Gwen.

>Actually, ya wanna ‘em squirm? Pop a few biscuit containers. Never fails to make me laugh.

‘Oh really? Do tell, do tell.’
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