Woman Who Fled From Love Now Regrets Her Hasty Retreat

Apr 11, 2017 - Letter 1 of 3
Dear Abby
by Abigail Van Buren
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DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I met a wonderful person. I spent roughly three months with him in a budding relationship. My issue is that one night he said those three little words, and I panicked and disappeared from his life. I know it was a horrible and cowardly thing to do. I just didn't know how to handle it other than ask him why and saying, "You can't mean me, right?"

I have felt horrible that I vanished without any explanation and most likely hurt him. I really would like to apologize for my actions and immaturity. He didn't deserve that type of treatment. I recently found his address and wonder if it would be all right to send an apology, or if it would be best not to open potential wounds. -- DISAPPEARED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DISAPPEARED: Because you feel an apology and an explanation are in order, I see no harm in offering them. However, before you do, think this through. Is there more to this than a guilty conscience? Because years have passed, you both may be at different places in your lives than you were then. One or both of you may be married or involved with others. So before you do this, be absolutely sure not only of your motivations, but also of your expectations.


DISQUS COMMENTS

Aurélie • 17 hours ago
As someone who has been on the receiving end of somebody who apologized because she felt bad, I would like to tell LW to keep her words to herself and work on doing better moving forward.

I would also like to tell her to get over herself and her fantasy that this man has spent the past few years pining.
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Sarah  Aurélie • 11 hours ago
Back when I was in high school, a close friend of mine told a malicious lie, which caused some people (including me) emotional harm.

About 5 years later, this former friend called me to apologize. I was pleasantly surprised- I figured he'd grown up, regretted his behavior, and was trying to make amends. I looked forward to rekindling the friendship.

He committed suicide that night. Apparently he made a round of "farewell" phone calls first- but everyone he'd spoken to agreed that he'd sounded really cheerful and had enthusiastically made plans for the future.

Every single person who got an apology felt awful- like we should've seen some red flag. Stuff like this ends up being a big ball of conflicting emotions- I'm angry that this guy used us to assuage his conscience. I wish I could apologize to him for not seeing how much pain he must've been in.

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Vernicious  Sarah • 9 hours ago
I hope you understand this isn't your fault. This man sounds like he was always troubled or he wouldn't have behaved the way he did. Sadly, he might really have believed he was finally doing the right thing.
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Cynjok  Sarah • 8 minutes ago
So, he basically held you all hostage again. What a di*k.
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Outer Limits  Aurélie • 10 hours ago
Exactly what I was thinking. The burden of guilt and shame belongs to the LW alone.
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MrsTigercat  Aurélie • 7 hours ago
He may not have pined for her, but maybe was hurt and angry for some period of time, and an apology would help him to feel less angry. He may have kicked himself for saying I Love You only 3 months in, and has been reluctant to say it to anyone since. "I won't make that mistake again!" A release of the anger and blaming of himself would be beneficial. I vote for apologizing.
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Basilisk  Aurélie • 16 hours ago
I doubt he's been pining, but it is possible now and then he thinks of her and feels a bit hurt by her vanishing act. But if he thinks of her too much, he probably needs psychiatric help (and in which case, lw did the smart thing).
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Bev  Aurélie • 8 hours ago
She didn't say that she thinks he has spent the past few years pining, just that she hurt him at the time and would like to apologize for her behavior. Although, if he told her that he loved her and she basically said "who me?" and vanished, he probably figured it out.
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Dowl  Aurélie • 9 hours ago
True
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steam engine  Aurélie • 10 hours ago
Time to move on.🤠
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MsMT  Aurélie • 3 hours ago
Same here. Except it wasn't really an apology, more a reiteration of all the things I had supposedly done and why she treated me so badly as her passive-aggressive way of getting back at me. It came off more like part of a twelve-step program to make her feel better.
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JulieB478  Aurélie • 7 hours ago
I was in a relationship with a guy many years ago. I was in my early 20s and living at home. About 2 months into the relationship, I moved out on my own and he helped me to move into my apartment. As soon as I moved, he changed his number and dropped all contact. Never heard from him again. I was hurt and bewildered. I'm in my mid 50s now and haven't thought about him in years. So yeah, I'm not pining away for him, and I don't expect him to contact me out of the blue all these years later.
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Eldicko • 16 hours ago
Oh honey, he's moved on. You ain't all that.
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Ms. Gourami  Eldicko • 8 hours ago
He'll be like: Who?
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Gabriel Stone  Eldicko • 8 hours ago
She may have been all that, but years ago, she had the instincts to warn her away the first go-round. Now she's getting older, lonelier, getting more desperate and has forgotten all about those bright red flags that had freaked her out before. I hazard to guess that not too many women turn down proposals without there being some really good reasons. It's just that in the passing years, she's forgotten what those reasons were.
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MrsTigercat  Gabriel Stone • 7 hours ago
He didn't propose. He said he loved her. Her low self esteem couldn't believe that anyone could love her, so she ran. But that kick to his self esteem could have left a mark. He thinks the problem was him, when it was really her.
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Cynjok  Gabriel Stone • 7 minutes ago
What red flags? I think you've written an entire backstory that you failed to share with the rest of us.
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Alison743 • 16 hours ago
You should wait until he has found someone new. It will be exactly the drama you clearly crave.
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Basilisk  Alison743 • 16 hours ago
Good point. I think you have a good point.
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Frosty The Snowman  Alison743 • 11 hours ago
Yes. Timing is everything in life.
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TheTexasOutcast  Alison743 • 11 hours ago
He probably already has. Probably married with a kid or two!
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Lucilletheguitar  TheTexasOutcast • 8 hours ago
That's a lot of moving on in three years!
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TheTexasOutcast  Lucilletheguitar • 8 hours ago
Twins!
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TheTexasOutcast  Lucilletheguitar • 5 hours ago
It said three months and a few years. Depending on how old you are, a few could be ten!
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Cynjok  Alison743 • 5 minutes ago
This exactly. I would almost bet the LW has already heard through the grapevine that the former partner is getting married or moving in with someone and wants to dump some drama from the past all over that situation.
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euphie • 17 hours ago
There is a very good possibility that he barely remembers you.
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Hideysmomhasgotitgoinon  euphie • 9 hours ago
Well, it's only been 3 years--but...back to that "famous" quote: "You'd be surprised what others think of you if only you realized how seldom they did."
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Bonnie  Hideysmomhasgotitgoinon • 7 hours ago
That sounds like an Oscar Wild quote, to me.
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Invisigoth510  Bonnie • 6 hours ago
I've always seen it attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt.

Wilde would have said something with a tiny bit more edge & just a little meaner finding a way to insult both the listener & the others he was talking about.
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Bonnie  Invisigoth510 • 4 hours ago
You're right, I was just guessing.
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Texan5555  euphie • 10 hours ago
Depends on how long ago it was. If he does remember the LW, it would most likely not be in a good light. If you send the letter, be prepared for the possibility of a nasty response
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Wesley TX • 17 hours ago
you may want to first get some professional therapy to find out why you left in the first place and to figure out why you want to revisit this in the second place.
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TheTexasOutcast  Wesley TX • 11 hours ago
He is her one true love and she has never been able to love any one else like him. (sarcasm, of course) Actually memories are almost always better than the reality was!
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gigabrat  TheTexasOutcast • 10 hours ago
You forgot 'soulmate'. Gag me!
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TheTexasOutcast  gigabrat • 9 hours ago
Oops!
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ekgjester  TheTexasOutcast • 5 hours ago
had an old boyfriend call out of the blue. My memories of him were lovely and sweet... until the reality of that call. He didn't do or say anything odd, it was just not the perfection that memories held. Still mad at him for calling.
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TheTexasOutcast  ekgjester • 5 hours ago
I honestly have no clue where any old flames other than one girl I knew in High school are. Have no desire to seek them out either.
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Bozo  Wesley TX • 8 hours ago
Or at least a $7 booklet.
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Bev  Wesley TX • 8 hours ago
Because she only knew the guy for three months and wasn't ready for the big declaration. Doesn't take professional therapy to figure that out.
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TheGodThatFailed  Bev • 8 hours ago
It was 3 months, not 3 hours. And adults shouldn't flip out and run away like they're 13 and breaking up with their first boyfriend.
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Wesley TX  Bev • 8 hours ago
supposedly she is an adult, an adult wouldn't (or shouldn't) freak out and run away when their significant other says "I love you".
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Ms. Gourami  Wesley TX • 8 hours ago
She sounds like a rude piece of crap!
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Watcher • 16 hours ago
Keep silent and stay a ghost from his past. Anything more may cause him grief and possibly annoy the woman who's now with him, the one who isn't immature, commitment phobic and mean hearted.
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Bev  Watcher • 8 hours ago
She only knew the guy three months so not wanting to say I love you doesn't make her immature, commitment phobic and mean hearted. It was just too soon.
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TheGodThatFailed  Bev • 8 hours ago
No, not wanting to say I love you doesn't make her immature, commitment phobic and mean-hearted. Flipping out and disappearing makes her immature.
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Texan5555  Watcher • 10 hours ago
But I am sure the LW now thinks he is her soulmate and by apologizing, she can get him back
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Mary  Watcher • 5 hours ago
The woman my husband almost married wrote him one of those e-mails when we llfirst started dating. He showed it to me right away. I knew how much he loved her and how she broke his heart (my husband and I were friends before we started dating). It actually strengthened our relationship. As weird as it is, I am actually glad she sent it.
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Lucilletheguitar  Watcher • 8 hours ago
Immature and commitment phobic, after only a three month dating period?
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RohnertPark1 • 17 hours ago
Leave the guy alone. He has moved on, there is nothing to be gained by dredging up hurt feelings from your immaturity.
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Rimshot • 15 hours ago
So you hated and feared those three words. Get ready for four more words, if you go through with your idea. "Who is this, again?"
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TheTexasOutcast  Rimshot • 11 hours ago
I can't remember the names of every girl I dated more than forty years ago.
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IsisM • 16 hours ago
Leave it alone. Years have passed and he has moved on. Ghosting someone is a very cowardly, awful thing to do. I hope that you have learned from this experience to not repeat it in the future.
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Texan5555  IsisM • 10 hours ago
Unless the LW is now pining for this guy thinking of him as the one that got away and hopes the apology might allow them to get back together.
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IsisM  Texan5555 • 5 hours ago
That was what came to my mind. I think there is more of a motive to this than merely wanting to apologize.
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Che Catz • 16 hours ago
Your letter is all about you and your need to be seen as a good person after unceremoniously dumping a man you dated for 3 months. How will your apology now enhance his life? You only dated for a few months before you bolted. He may not even remember who you are.
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Grumpy  Che Catz • 5 hours ago
Do you say 'I love you' so easily that you don't remember everyone you ever told it to?
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Babs • 8 hours ago
Leave him the hell alone. Just because you feel a need to assuage your guilt does not mean he deserves to have that wound re-opened. Dragging him back through it just to make yourself feel better is cruel.
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Augustine  Babs • an hour ago
You summed it up better than anyone. It's all about her and her guilt, not about him at all.
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aprice809 • 17 hours ago
Leave him alone. Often people "confess" or apologize to assuage their own guilt when all that does is wound the other. It's been years. You could be opening an old wound when it had finally healed. (Know that way to well)
If you feel you just HAVE to apologize, then send that letter, speaking only of your regret for how he was treated and include no contact information. That would be the selfless part. If you can't do that then your motives are selfish and seem to be more about getting what you want than what he needs.
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Aurélie  aprice809 • 17 hours ago
If any variation of "I feel so awful" is going to make its way into the letter, then LW needs to avoid sending it.
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aprice809  Aurélie • 16 hours ago
Agreed.
Anything other than "you didn't deserve that" is completely self serving.
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so what are you saying • 5 hours ago
Personally, I appreciate sincere apologies, even years later out of the blue. Sometimes they are over something of which i have no memory or lingering feelings, but I respect that the person wanted to make amends. Other times, they are a helpful closure.

LW, I think giving a sincere, concise, apology stating regrets for your poor past treatment to this person and saying you held them in the highest regard but were immature and emotionally unskilled is a kind thing to do. You sound sincere. Just ensure it is worded in such a way as not to suggest a reply is needed. (No strings attached and not an attempt to rekindle anything.)
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Mom • 8 hours ago
Geez, let it go already! You are doing it for yourself, and probably harbor an ulterior motive too. No good will come of this.

We all behave badly in life. The hope is that we learn a lesson and resolve to improve ourselves. Hopefully you treat others nicer NOW.
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Christine S • 16 hours ago
really?! You found his address "years" later and want to say something?! Leave the poor guy alone and HOPE he found someone more worthy than you were!
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Ms. Gourami  Christine S • 8 hours ago
Translation: She's been stalking him!
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Jeff Drake  Ms. Gourami • 7 hours ago
Or at least she has been hunting him.
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Vernicious • 9 hours ago
Hopefully this man has been thinking: "Whew! I dodged that one."
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Teddy gurr • 10 hours ago
Woulda , coulda, shoulda, to late now , you had your chance, leave him alone
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Ms. Gourami  Teddy gurr • 7 hours ago
She reminds me of that girl on Bachelor, last season who had the chance to date The Bachelor after a one night stand. She refused to give him her phone number. Then she worked her contacts (mutual friends) to got on his show 6 months later. He sent her packing almost immediately. She had her chance months ago and he saw her for the attention seeker she was.
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Teddy gurr  Ms. Gourami • 6 hours ago
Good for him.
I don't watch that show, but I can imagine some women wanting to be on just for the publicity
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Ms. Gourami  Teddy gurr • 5 hours ago
Probably most are but that one got caught!
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Teddy gurr  Ms. Gourami • 37 minutes ago
Not to many that do win wind up actually getting married do they?
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Ms. Gourami  Teddy gurr • 31 minutes ago
Not a lot considering the show has been on 20 years now. But there are a few and several children born from those. No divorces yet of those who got married.
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Hilda • 5 hours ago
you're not nearly as important as you feel you are
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RidleyParkCitizen  Hilda • 3 hours ago
Yep, that hits the nail right on the head.
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MidnightRoseXO • 10 hours ago
I seriously doubt he wants to hear it. You are only doing this to ease your own conscience, not for any benefit to him. Still thinking only of yourself. Just let it be.
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lilac spring • 10 hours ago
You sound incredibly insecure. Do this man a favor and leave him be
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Deana Maclean-Roberts • 11 hours ago
This incident is in the PAST. You live in the present...let it go and try to understand why you took the route of running and hiding rather than act like an adult. He probably has a life with someone and you are not it. Leave him alone.
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JustMyOpinion • 11 hours ago
It's been years - leave him alone and instead think about why you chose to disappear without an explanation instead of talking with your significant other about why you felt uncomfortable with what he said. That's part of being in a good, honest relationship - being able to talk about stuff like that. Do you still react that way with your significant others?
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beachinfrizzy • 13 hours ago
"I recently found his address." Ugh. Let it go already. Back awayyyy from the online name searches and spend your excess time and energy on finding some volunteer work to do instead of obsessing on the past.
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Basilisk  beachinfrizzy • 12 hours ago
I bet she is single.
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Ms. Gourami  Basilisk • 7 hours ago
She only dates bad boys who barely give her the time of day unless they need a booty call or money.
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Texan5555  beachinfrizzy • 10 hours ago
I wonder why she was looking for his address to "find"
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Ms. Gourami  Texan5555 • 7 hours ago
Stalker alert!
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WellDuh • 7 hours ago
Let sleeping dogs lie. You obviously feel like you blew an opportunity. too late to fix it.
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Jenny Tull • 7 hours ago
What three words?
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Content Disabled  Jenny Tull • 7 hours ago
suck my potato?
paint the kitchen?
pour me beer?
get a job?
leave me alone?
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Jenny Tull  Content Disabled • 7 hours ago
"Make me a sammich" is 4, so I couldn't figure.
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MsMT  Jenny Tull • 3 hours ago
I want cake.
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meyati  Content Disabled • 7 hours ago
Change the tire
Mop the kitchen
train the puppy
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Jenny Jenkins  meyati • 4 hours ago
Pet my mouse(; - ))
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euvnrutas  Jenny Tull • 4 hours ago
make a sammich.
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Grumpy  Jenny Tull • 4 hours ago
Make me cake!
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Content Disabled  Jenny Tull • 3 hours ago
bake more cake.
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Leelee • 8 hours ago
I've had guys treat me poorly, and if I got a random letter from one of them apologizing, I'd wonder what the ulterior motive was. If you actually bump into this man (randomly, not because you accidentally arranged to be where he was) and he seems willing to speak to you, then you can say you know you treated him poorly and he didn't deserve it. Then move on. Sending a letter out of the blue seems a bit weird, and may cause harm depending on where he is in his life.
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TheTexasOutcast  Leelee • 5 hours ago
Odds are if she bumped into him randomly he would say "excuse me" and go on about his business not recognizing her at all.
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Bermuda Gal  TheTexasOutcast • 2 hours ago
Yeah, probably because he falls in and out of love like we change our undies.
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TheTexasOutcast  Bermuda Gal • an hour ago
Or those few years are twenty and she is now gray headed and forty pounds heavier or lighter. I have seen people who five years later looked nothing the same. He could still be in love with the image he has of her. Also, there are some women who fall in and out of love just as fast as some men. While I know it must happen, I have never seen a male swoon over some celebrity the way some women do.
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Bermuda Gal  TheTexasOutcast • 40 minutes ago
If his feelings changed based on her appearance changing, then he wasn't really in love with her. And falling in love too fast is a classic sign of a psychopath.
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klingon_psychiatrist • 10 hours ago
Dear Disappeared: Let me get this one straight. You were dating a guy for three months, he tells you that he loves you and you run away only to want to apologize three years later. I recommend saving the cost of a stamp and instead sign yourself up for a few sessions of therapy. You could stand to use some. You have unresolved issues which include low self esteem, an inability to interact with members of your own species and while it's not a problem you need to stop apologizing for undue humility. It's been three years. Any potential wounds probably healed about three years ago. At this stage, you're only picking at your own scabs. You are the person who needs to forgive yourself and heal so you can live for the future and not the past.
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PeachPossum • 12 hours ago
So, in the days and months following your departure, he never once tried to contact you? I would be leery of anybody who says "I love you" in the first few months of a relationship. You can't possibly know the other well enough to mean it. Instead of looking at him as the one that got away, you consider yourself escaped.
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TheTexasOutcast  PeachPossum • 11 hours ago
I knew my wife three months when we got engaged and just over six when we married, we have been married over 38 years!
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Pamela Frey-Primiani  TheTexasOutcast • 9 hours ago
I told my husband I loved him after two days. We're married 17 years.
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TheTexasOutcast  Pamela Frey-Primiani • 9 hours ago
Congratulations and many more to you!
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Teresa Spanics  Pamela Frey-Primiani • an hour ago
AWW, congratulations.
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MorningPerson  TheTexasOutcast • 10 hours ago
Yeah, we did that craziness too; 15 years.
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Tobias the Just  TheTexasOutcast • 10 hours ago
Congratulations!

Sincerely,
Tobias the Just
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TheTexasOutcast  Tobias the Just • 9 hours ago
Thanks
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TheTexasOutcast  Guest • 9 hours ago
I am going to be nice, as hard as it is. Books are highly valued in Texas, we have many wonderful libraries. We have some of the best colleges inn the world, and without excellent books that would be impossible. Your really should work on your prejudices, they make you seem totally ignorant! I know you aren't, as every once in a while you let an intelligent statement slip through!
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Tobias the Just  TheTexasOutcast • 9 hours ago
Someone reported my comment and it got deleted! This is outrageous!

Sincerely,
Tobias the Just
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Ms. Gourami  TheTexasOutcast • 7 hours ago
He's been banned at least 3x in less than 2 months. It's a shame really. He does have a good sense of humor, until he carries it too far, and like you said, says something decent now and then.
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TheTexasOutcast  Ms. Gourami • 7 hours ago
If he wanted to get real he could actually contribute.
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Ms. Gourami  TheTexasOutcast • 6 hours ago
He does not seem be able to "play well with others".
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TheTexasOutcast  Ms. Gourami • 5 hours ago
He probably screws up playing with himself!
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Ms. Gourami  TheTexasOutcast • 5 hours ago
Not gonna touch that one!
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Eldicko  Ms. Gourami • 5 hours ago
I can play with others, feel me?
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Ms. Gourami  Eldicko • 5 hours ago
Oh, I well know! I'm still waiting for that sponge bath.
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Teresa Spanics  TheTexasOutcast • an hour ago
AWW, congratulations :-)
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TheTexasOutcast  Teresa Spanics • an hour ago
Thanks. She is one tough woman!
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Allie  PeachPossum • 11 hours ago
I agree caution is on order, but the way LW handled the situation was cruel.
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billfrazier • 12 hours ago
He told you that he loved you - you fled - he didn't come looking for you then to find out why? Kind of makes me wonder what his motivation was. Old sayings are steeped in years of knowledge - "Let sleeping dogs lie".
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Greymuse  billfrazier • 10 hours ago
Seriously. You'd think after even just 3 months of dating that he'd have known -her- address or where she worked or some of her friends. Assuming he didn't chase after her then suggests he either wasn't that into her or he was expecting her to come back, so never made an effort. Where there is a will, there is a way and apparently he didn't have the will, for whatever reason.
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srjsac • 16 hours ago
Move on, he no longer cares if you were a rude wench.
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Texan5555  srjsac • 10 hours ago
Or he wants revenge
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Basilisk • 16 hours ago
That could be me, minus the "I love you" part. The apology would be appreciated but honestly? After all that time, it wouldn't mean anything nor would it be enough. He's moved on, as have I. You should do the same and if you have children, teach them not to behave the way you did.
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Texan5555  Basilisk • 10 hours ago
Or he could receive the letter and think "dissappeared who?"
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EozS  Texan5555 • 8 hours ago
Well it's only been a few years, he might be over it but I doubt he's forgotten someone he dated for three months.
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Maria nasop • 15 hours ago
After leaving without any explanation this poor guy who told you "he loves you", you went to the larger arena and found that such quality people are a rarity and that men treated you like a purchased product that is used and trashed, and realized what you have lost and hence want to come back and rectify the situation with the hope of gaining him back. First, I am sure he has moved on and found a worthy lady that appreciated his good qualities which will dash your hopes in a rebound and second, your absconding was due to your mediocre interest in him which makes him not an ideal person for you. Not only this, his refusal to respond will deal your self esteem a huge blow that will undermine your future endeavor of hunting a man that will satisfy your desires, if that is at all possible.
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nunyabeeswax • 3 hours ago
He doesn't need your apology. You feel the need, to make you feel better. Don't disturb him, hes moved on.
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euvnrutas • 4 hours ago
Three more words... spoken in groups... You hurt him... You ghosted him... it's your bed... Enjoy your rest... Leave him alone...
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Rod Simonson • 6 hours ago
Ships pass...Let it go. If you find yourself in his company, without conniving, explore the new reality. Apologize, as required, and explain, as necessary, but don't do any of this to recapture the past.
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Blabbermouth • 6 hours ago
Next time somebody says those 'three words'.....try not to be such a ninny. Of course, maybe those 3 words were.... Just Get Out... or something... I don't know. Not many people talk to me... haha
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Jaye44 • 6 hours ago
'apologize' oh puhleeze. Leave the guy alone. This isn't last month or even last year. She isn't successful with other men and wants to resurrect this old relationship. Leave him alone and work on our own life.
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RekaerB • 7 hours ago
Wrong answer Abby.

LW you need to apologize but he doesn't need to hear it for this to benifit you. He doesn't need to forgive you. Forgiveness comes from within.

Write a letter. Say what you're sorry for. Give excuses. Give reasons. Work this out between you and the paper you're writing on. Forgive yourself in this letter. Tell yourself it was probably the wrong thing to do, but going ghost is the decision you made at the time. Say what you would do differently. Say what you need to say. Then burn the letter. Don't send it. This is all for you not him.

If this was a week or two my answer would be different. But after YEARS of feeling horrible this is your problem.
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Ms. Gourami • 8 hours ago
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
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Jenny Jenkins  Ms. Gourami • 8 hours ago
In my fitness class, she plays that song every Christmas...I love it, and sometimes, when I'm not feeling all that fine, it even brings tears to my eyes...
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Rosalita • 8 hours ago
Which 3 little words? "Get out now!" "You're so stupid." I can't quite figure out the LW's problem...[I'm just kidding.]
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Content Disabled  Rosalita • 7 hours ago
'up the azz'?
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Jenny Jenkins  Rosalita • 7 hours ago
LOL...so now she wants an explanation...
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Rosalita  Jenny Jenkins • 7 hours ago
Thank you for appreciating my sense of humor. So often people write very serious responses to something ridiculous I have said!
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HotRed • 9 hours ago
Let it go! Looks desperate.
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Babs  HotRed • 5 hours ago
Darn you! Now I've got that damn song in my head!
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Ava • 9 hours ago
LW, leave him alone. You gave him a painful life lesson, hopefully he was able to navigate it successfully. Now, several years later you want to revisit the scene? What's in it for him? One of you was not ready for the relationship, so it slipped into the place where failed relationships go. Leave it there and leave him alone. He has had enough of you.
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MRob67 • 10 hours ago
Everybody has some regrets. LW needs to forgive herself and move on. That said, there is a chance that subconsciously (or maybe even consciously?) LW may want to get another chance with the guy, maybe because nobody has uttered those three words to her since? She is using the "apology" as an excuse to contact the man after all these years. While LW appears to be concerned about "opening potential wounds", she seems oblivious to the fact that if he is in a relationship, a long ago ex popping into his life will be disruptive and annoying. LW needs to leave him alone.
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DD • 10 hours ago
Let it go.
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The_Thing_Is • 13 hours ago
I would not revisit it at all. If you ever run into him - fine, apologize for ghosting.
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DSG100 • 5 hours ago
Wow, I'm in the minority here. Everyone is bashing the LW big time as though trying to punish her for hurting the guy. She hurt someone years ago and would like to apologize. I think she should. If I told someone I loved them and they immediately vanished, I would always wonder what went wrong. If they called me years later and explained, especially letting me know it wasn't me, I would welcome that information, regardless of my current relationship status.
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linny • 10 hours ago
oh, LW, he's probably long since moved on after your big 3 month romance and ghosting.
get over yourself. you just want to make yourself feel better, not him. You probably haven't crossed his mind in years.
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Benebeth • 10 hours ago
With the internet the way it is, you haven't disappeared except to him. This seems to be about you, not him. He's moved on and it's time you forget.
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TheTexasOutcast • 11 hours ago
DISAPPEARED IN ILLINOIS: Odds are he doesn't even remember your name. I have to admit I can not remember the names of every young woman I ever dated, but there is one I will never forget, we have been married for 38 years now!
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Incidentally • 22 minutes ago
No. Don't. Your motive for apologizing is to absolve yourself of feeling like a horrible human being for ghosting him, not for actually ghosting him. Be kind and let him live his life without having you pop up with the memories of being dumped with no explanation or contact FOR YEARS.
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OneLuckyKid • an hour ago
Don't bother him unless you have something loving and sincere to give him, like caring about a future, if he'd even speak to you again. Otherwise, leave him alone.
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CeeHowUR • 4 hours ago
If your purpose is to clear your conscience, fine, write the letter. If you want to get back together, be careful as it could destroy his marriage if he's married. He seems to move quickly. I would probably see if he's available via social media to contact via direct message, in case his wife asks questions. Hopefully you have grown up by now and realize the consequences.
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ekgjester • 5 hours ago
"dear Abby, a few years ago this person I was dating ran without a word after I said I loved them. I've really struggled the past few years expressing positive emotion to friends and lovers since. Now theu're writing out of the blue... what can I do to make this drama llama leave?!"
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Ms. Gourami • 5 hours ago
She got him to move to California and then ghosted him.
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Mrs Dansby • 7 hours ago
That ship sailed a long time ago. Get back in the present and live the life you have now.
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dan_in_san_diego • 9 hours ago
Leave him alone !!
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RF42 • 9 hours ago
Move on. It's been literally years. I'm sure this person's anguish over losing you has passed and hopefully he's moved on. This is about you and your regrets, not him. You'll just have to learn to live with those. Leave him alone.
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Stan McSerr • 9 hours ago
This reminds me of that part of AA where you must apologize to all you wronged. I find that self-serving and it just helps to make the apologizer feel better. Why open old wounds, let sleeping dogs lie. (sorry about the 2 cliches). The best way to handle this is DON'T DO IT AGAIN!
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OceanfriendlySeasnake • 9 hours ago
LW, learn from your mistakes and also learn that you can't always go back without looking worse than you did before. If you happen on this guy, I see no harm and saying that you handled the break poorly and apologize but I see no reason to open a can of worms.
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MikeDStl • 11 hours ago
Every amends letter needs to be written, but not all of them need to be sent. If you really need to write it, then do that. Then bury/burn it and move on. Do no harm to him.
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Keymaster700 • 11 hours ago
Disappeared in Illinois - I agree that it was a horrible and cowardly thing to do but much more than that. Your disappearance may have not only left him thinking you abandoned him but worse that you may have been the victim of a kidnapping and/or murder. Many people disappear and are never found or their remains are found years later. Those closest to them are left with a mystery as to what happened to them. So, I would say to leave your contact with him that you are alright and were not the victim of foul play. Anything other than that, forget it and go on with your life and allow him to do the same.
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Content Disabled • 11 hours ago
If you feel that you owe someone an apology, you should apologize. But don't do it for other reasons.
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Lou • 11 hours ago
What do you hope to gain by doing this? Leave it be.
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female mike • 12 hours ago
let it go
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The Countess • 12 hours ago
Leave the man alone. You need to grow up. What you did was cruel. I'm am sure he doesn't want to hear from you ever again.
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Chuck • 13 hours ago
Let the past R.I.P.
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Margot • 15 hours ago
Let sleeping dogs lie...
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Barbie • 11 hours ago
You feel horrible you possible hurt him and want to apologize.
First, I do not believe you. You do not want to apologize, you want to feel better. Second - it is not even only that - you want to attempt to rekindle the relationship as what really bothers is you - what if he really loved me?
What you can do, is to work on yourself - the feeling of not worthy of love and the fear of engulfment. You can start by buying a book, 2-3 dollars on Amazon, "Do I have to give up me to be loved by you", Drs. J&M Paul.
To put your mind at ease - no, he did not love you!
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TheTexasOutcast  Barbie • 11 hours ago
It is probable he did love her. He may not have been totally enamored by her. The hurt of being ghosted may have been enough to keep him from chasing after her.
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Barbie  TheTexasOutcast • 9 hours ago
I can hear you. You say, it is probable he did love her.
No, it is not probable at all.
.
When loving actions are not supporting "loving" words - what you do does not match what you say - it feels bad, regardless of pains and fears of the recipient. One can feel it and walks away. Same when you say "no" and nod yes - one knows, feels, sees you are dishonest. Conscious or subconscious communication effects.
.
Had he truly loved her, had he done loving actions on her behalf, words "I love you" (unless this is not what she implied) - would have felt warm, safe, good and welcomed.
We have agree to disagree. The kind of "love" he was thinking he was offering, was fake.
Like the LW today - what can I say when one is expecting surgery? Fake, get lost!
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Allie  Barbie • 8 hours ago
Where did you get the notion he did not treat her in a loving way? Even LW admits it was her fear of intimacy that blew things up.
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Barbie  Allie • 4 hours ago
She says what she wants to believe in. It is her way of dealing with pain - I left because... not - she did not feel like staying. Both her and partner emotionally unavailable - zero love, not a healthy relationship.
Same thing, when one says: " I am angry at my partner for not doing this or that" - not true - one is covering up with anger deep core feelings of helplessness over others - there is no way you can "make" one to your liking, so s/he would do what you want, when you want, how you want.
.
Here: that is how you heal fear of intimacy - in the arms of a loving partner, his loving actions, loving behavior, understanding, listening - it helps one to open, to be vulnerable and the healing begins.
Had he been loving, she would have never left him. Know from my own experience.
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Allie  Barbie • 3 hours ago
Of course you know her better than she knows herself. Your experience is valid but not applicable to everyone else in the world.
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Barbie  Allie • 4 minutes ago
Yes. I know hoe human's mind work.
Try me!
As everything she does, says, is "unconscious".
Did you ever ask yourself - how on Earth I have done this or that? And, you honestly, do not know what got to you, to do what you have done?
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TheTexasOutcast  Barbie • 9 hours ago
You can love someone enough to respect that when they disappear the felling was not mutual. Love does not equal obsession!
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Barbie  TheTexasOutcast • 8 hours ago
No doubts about that.
Feeling does not have to be mutual.
Love has nothing to do with obsession.
Respect for someone's decision.
I would not conclude, love was not mutual. I would conclude, one had a good reason to do what one did.
When one disappears, it does not necessarily mean feeling was not mutual. One can feel afraid, not ready, does not like the speed relation took, be sick, die, lose their mind over something not related.
You have mention his hurt, wounded feelings. Can you accept, he could have had none? True love understands. Rejection does not have to hurt at all. Her leaving could have had nothing to do with him. Hurt feelings one creates when one takes "this" personally.
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TheTexasOutcast  Barbie • 5 hours ago
You seem to be contradictory to your earlier statement.
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Texan5555  Barbie • 10 hours ago
But I would bet that Abby might have a booklet for it as well
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Cynjok • 13 minutes ago
Oh please just leave this poor person alone. You want to clear your conscience at the expense of possibly pulling the scab off an old hurt you caused in the first place.
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donthateme • an hour ago
Still waiting for an apology for something done to me in high school. I would appreciate a letter. But have now turned it into a funny story!
In LW's case, I think I would send the letter, but without expectations of re-hooking up.
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Tobias the Just  donthateme • an hour ago
Ha! Really? You're still bitter about things that happened in high school? You're full of vinegar and must be fun to be around!

Sincerely,
Tobias the Just
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donthateme  Tobias the Just • 37 minutes ago
Bullies never leave your head. They show up in dreams.
I would not say bitter, I have moved on, you are judging without facts. You are not Just.
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Incidentally  donthateme • 28 minutes ago
I had a 'frenemy' in high school who delighted in bullying me and then victim-shaming me if I called her out.
Fast forward 12 years later: I'm working and living about 2 hours away from hometown. She finds me online, messages me being all friendly. I get a call from her a week later. She starts talking about her money issues. I don't take the bait. Haven't heard from her since - it's been over 5 years. And nope, no apology was given nor any acknowledgement of the past.

In LW's case...just don't open wounds. If he looks for you to seek an explanation, then yeah, apologize then. But sending any communication just causes the memories to rush back and ifhe had a lot of hurt, he'll probably feel it all over again.
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Emily • 2 hours ago
Let sleeping dogs lie. Work on being a better person to your next significant other.
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Todd Leone • 3 hours ago
If I may invoke an old saying, sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. After a number of years, it's a dead certainty that the man you treated so shabbily has moved on. He might be married, or in a happy long-term relationship with someone else. If you have expectations of getting back together with him because you think your apology will allow that to happen, I think it's highly unlikely, and even if that did happen, chances are you'd find out that you've both grown and changed since a few years ago. What there is to do is learn a lesson here. I have no idea why "I love you" would make you dump someone forthwith instead of seeing where the relationship would go from there. But if it happens again that you're with someone for a period of time and he says "I love you", hopefully you'll have learned not to respond to what ought to be a positive experience in a negative way. So chalk it up to youthful foolishness and a poor self-image at a time in the past when you didn't love yourself enough to let someone else love you, and walk on.
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arisu • 3 hours ago
Ughh.... if it's "I love you" i am not a fan of those three words either. Growing up it was never part of my vocabulary. I was raised in a way that love was expressed by actions, not by words. I was until recently with someone for 8.5 years that came from a very different background, it was the norm for him to tell his family and friends he loved them before hanging up the phone. It was difficult for him to understand why saying "i love you" made me uncomfortable when I could say "I love pizza", "I love you too", and "I wuvs you" when i'm being silly, but never "I love you" on it's own. This made him feel unloved, and eventually lead to the end of our relationship. This tiny little sentence holds way too much power. boo. :(
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My Opinion • 4 hours ago
If it's on your heart to apologize to this person, you should follow your heart and do just that.
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bluebird • 4 hours ago
You snooze you lose..so keep on snoozing.
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Ken Palmer • 6 hours ago
You were right to run away if he said that within 90 days.
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TheTexasOutcast  Ken Palmer • 5 hours ago
Engaged in three months, married in less than seven, working on 39 years!
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Bermuda Gal  TheTexasOutcast • 2 hours ago
When men move too fast, it's usually a huge red flag. Wish I had known that before I married my first husband, who was "in love" by the end of the first date. Abusive men know that they can only keep up appearances for so long before the mask slips, thus they try to sew things up asap.
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TheTexasOutcast  Bermuda Gal • an hour ago
But who is to determine what is too fast? I agree if it is too fast for you that you should say no. But you should speak up, not ghost someone like the LW!
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Bermuda Gal  TheTexasOutcast • an hour ago
Yes, I agree that she shouldn't have ghosted the poor fella. But if he had any common sense, I'm sure he figured out that she was uncomfortable with the speed in which things were going.
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WellDuh  Ken Palmer • 6 hours ago
Why? I was engaged within 90 days, so were my parents.
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Bermuda Gal  Ken Palmer • 2 hours ago
I agree!!
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Holy Kyle • 6 hours ago
I think this is just the plot from a chick-flick.
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TheTexasOutcast  Holy Kyle • 5 hours ago
Future Lifetime Movie!
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Sabby • 6 hours ago
Leave it alone. There's no reason to open old wounds. What if he wants a relationship and things go sour? What if he gets angry? What if he has a wife and is happy and you want more? Just let it go.
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meyati • 7 hours ago
Geeze Louise, what do you expect? A scene like in Christmas Story, where he falls at your feet and grovels, and cries-"I'm so sorry, I said that. I should have known better." And you 2 go out in the blizzard and are knocked down by the neighbor's hounds for eternity? Grow up.
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IMHO too • 7 hours ago
I would send him a message, only because the way you left may have caused him troubles with later relationships (trust issues or insecurity). However, your message should only be a sincere apology and an explanation of why you left and how it was due to a fault of your not his. Do not tell him how you have changed or that you have regrets or anything else that sounds like you want to get back together. Do not suggest meeting or ask any questions. If he wants to contact you, he will. If he doesn't then move on.
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TheTexasOutcast  IMHO too • 5 hours ago
It probably took him about a week to realize she did him a favor and a couple years to forget her name!
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IMHO too  TheTexasOutcast • 2 hours ago
I was thinking about all the letters they had over the years - "Dear Abby, I am dating someone who is perfect for me. But I can't seem to let myself fall in love. I think it is because, a few years ago, I met someone who I thought was "the one" and then, after I said those three little words, they disappeared."
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TheTexasOutcast  IMHO too • an hour ago
Could well be! Sadly you can get a couple who both feel it but are afraid to say it.
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EozS • 8 hours ago
That's why you wait at least SIX months before the ILYs.
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Jenny Jenkins  EozS • 7 hours ago
I don't know, sometimes people just know...I'm thinking of those couples that meet and marry within 3 to 4 months and live to old age together... Just recently there was a local celebration like that...
.
For example I met my future husband in July and by October (three months later...) he said that he thought of us being together forever...I felt the same way.
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EozS  Jenny Jenkins • 7 hours ago
Nearly everyone thinks they're going to be together forever with a new love interest. On very rare occasions, it happens. But it's not that that couple had some secret insight into their relationship; they just happened to beat the odds.
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Jenny Jenkins  EozS • 7 hours ago
I think today's young people are more jaded because they have practically the whole world at their finger tips, so they think that they have infinite choices...I can see it my kids' choices. However, eventually one has to make decisions based on one's actual existence. I suspect that this LW realized this fact, but it is to late now to go back. IA with Abby that LW should forget what happened and move on with her life.
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Gabriel Stone • 9 hours ago
I'm a born romantic, but if it were me, I'd be very careful about proceeding. First, I'd do an online search to find out if the guy had married, and if so, I'd stop pining and feeling guilty because you do not want to open that can of worms. Second, I'd try to figure out if I just felt guilty, or if I felt guilty and desperate. Desperation is not a good look and can make one do really stupid things. Third, I'd figure out how much of my thinking was caused by fantasies and how much was based on reality. Yes, two old lovers do get back together and live happily ever after, but that's not the norm and in this cynical day and age, it's considered a sure sign of crazy. Fourth, I'd probably write the apology letter just to get it out of my system, and then I'd bury it in my backyard and plant a red rose bush on top of it.
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Dowl • 9 hours ago
Too much time has passed by. This may look like you're still interested, just trying to ease your guilt, it's looking like it's more about you. And like abby says, you don't know if he's married now, in a relationship, etc. He was probably hurt and confused but I would think over time he's moved on. Are YOU in a relationship? Will your new partner wonder why you're doing this? Nowhere in the letter does it say lw is a she but in the title abby says woman so I wonder if abby knew more or just assumed it was a woman. men are more commitment shy, as stereotypes go.
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clarkgablefan • 10 hours ago
I have a friend who suddenly ghosted just about everyone in his life.

He changed his number, ignored emails, and left the country. None of us knew that we had seen or talked to him for the last time -- so the inability to reach him made the unexplained and unexpected rejection worse.

I sincerely hope that LW has outgrown that supremely selfish, immature and cruel action. And that she leaves the poor guy alone.
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annie • 10 hours ago
Write him a letter telling him what's on your mind & then burn it. You can absolve yourself of the guilt & not interfere in his life.
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elizabetta • 10 hours ago
Leave him alone. It's water under the bridge now.
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female mike • 10 hours ago
After the love of my husband, "I love you" scares me off too.
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Tobias the Just  female mike • 10 hours ago
What?

Sincerely,
Tobias the Just
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female mike  Tobias the Just • 10 hours ago
My estranged husband still says he loves me. His behavior says its a lie. So I hear those words and I run too.
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Tobias the Just  female mike • 9 hours ago
When's the divorce?

Sincerely,
Tobias the Just
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Allie • 11 hours ago
If it is a sincere apology without strings, do it. Otherwise, don't. An apology doesn't always fix things, but if your goal is to take responsibility for your immaturity back when, it could feel good to the person you treated poorly.
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hi. • 12 hours ago
Send the apology if you want, but don't kid yourself. He might have been hurt at the time, but years later? He doesn't remember your name.
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Donna Parker • 13 hours ago
A few years ago? Don't contact him. More than likely he wouldn't even remember you.
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pastmyprime • 15 hours ago
Leave the guy alone, but if you must contact him make sure he isn't in a marriage or relationship. My guess is he has moved on, and so should you.
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Ski • 9 hours ago
I think he would be curious for an explanation. Do it.
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Robert Walker • 13 hours ago
Is "a few years ago" ...three?...
or twenty?

Know this : you can say "I love you"
to dozens of people in a day...and
truly mean it and not be superficial. In your case, you can even say "I love
you" to several male friends.
BUT, you can only say :
" I am IN love with you " to one,
unless you are very shallow,
dishonest or game-playing.
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Content Disabled • 10 hours ago
Never apologize for anything you do to hurt someone.
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