A 2019 Reflection, and a Look at 2020

I did a recap of my entire decade here if you wanna check it out: https://twitter.com/Riko_KSB/status/1212250910535106560?s=20

This Pastebin is a novel, so brace yourself.

2019 was a year of a lot of revelations, self-reflection, and change. It started off with AGDQ 2019 and the Crash 2 NST run, and to say that was a rough start would be a hell of an understatement.

I said months ago that I was not going to discuss it publicly anymore, after I published my Pastebin with my entire side of the story, and I have stuck to that decision. However, for the context of this Pastebin, I think it's important that I break that rule for just this instance, because the events and aftermath of that run and my commentary kind of set the stage for the entire rest of my year.

If you were there, or if you watched the run, then you know that my commentary was poorly received. And you probably also know that I addressed it in a handful of public posts on Twitter and Reddit defending and explaining what happened. Something I want to clarify for anyone who doesn't know is that I am now completely aware that I fucked up. I know I was in the wrong and I have no excuse for the way the commentary went. I could say some things as a defense, but ultimately the way I handled myself is on me.

The runner lied to me and told me the commentary was fine, and continued to act like my friend. And then a month after AGDQ ended he messaged me with the truth: that he was actually very upset, and wanted an apology. I gave him that, but also called him out on the way he handled the situation. After two months of silence he then decided to play things up as if everything I did was with total malicious intent. He even went as far as to try and tell one of my closest friends that I was a sociopath.

That's about as concise as I can make that story, and I see no point in going into more detail, as that's not the point of this Pastebin. But if anyone wants to know more, they can ask me. I don't discuss it openly because it never should have been public, but I will gladly talk about it privately to anyone who is willing to listen.

So why did I bring that up, when it was almost a year ago, and everyone has forgotten about it and moved on? Because like I said, it set the stage for the rest of my 2019.

To have someone that I considered a close friend stab me in the back like that, and then do everything in their power to demonize me, was a major blow to my self-esteem. Something that should have died down after a week or two instead got blown out of proportion and impacted me for months after. It shattered my ability to trust anyone in the community, because I didn't know who would listen to me and who believed every lie he said about me. Even now I think there are some people who probably took what he said to heart. I finally moved past it a while ago, but the aftermath still lingers.

I spent the early months of 2019 laying low online, for the above and a few other reasons. I didn't want to bring attention to the situation, so I took a long hiatus from NST. I went back to the original Crash 2, but even then my streams became a lot more sporadic. I just didn't have the motivation to do anything because my mental health was at an all time low.

Adding to my poor mental state was my growing distaste for the job I had at the time. I was always bored. I didn't feel challenged. I didn't like what I was doing. I felt like I hit a brick wall and couldn't move forward. I wanted to get out of it so bad but couldn't find a feasible way out for a while and felt like I had to just stick it out. It drove me insane.

By around the middle of the year I was starting to get out of my rut. I was starting to hit goals I had in OG Crash 2 (42 in No GO and 39 in GO). I ran GO Abuse at Speedrun Marathon Arizona (SMAZ). It was a very small marathon, but I got a time that was sub-40 and only 12 seconds off of my PB. I was extremely happy to give a category I love the good showing it deserved, after the absolute embarrassment that was the SGDQ 2015 run. I know that a run at a small event of less than 50 people will never match the sheer infamy of that run in the eyes of the public, but at least now there is one good GO Abuse run with commentary.

That weekend also showed me how much people in the community still cared about me. I felt so overwhelmingly welcomed, and that did wonders to repairing my self esteem. It truly was my most memorable birthday in quite a while.

Around this time, I began doing NST runs again on and off, though I still hadn't fully returned to the game.

The later summer to end of the year is where things really started to look up again. I finally had the funds to build a new computer, and with that I made a full return to NST. I put a little bit of focus on Crash 2 NST but ultimately put most of my time into Crash 3 108, with a little bit of Any% as well. I made pretty big improvements in each. I finally achieved my long awaited goal of 1:19 in OG Crash 2, although the run is not one that I'm particularly happy with. I also made significant improvements in both OG Crash 1 100% and OG Crash 3 105%, in preparation for the 1545. I did runs of CTR Nitro Fueled for a while, but eventually stopped because it was hurting my hands too much. Outside of speedrunning, I also started making significant improvements in Yu-Gi-Oh!, ultimately culminating in my first Top 8 at a regional after almost 12 years of competitive play. I left my job in November to pursue better opportunities, and while money has been somewhat tight in the month since then, my mental health hasn't been better than this since before my dad passed away, back in 2016.

This was also the year where I branched out the most in speedrunning. Although I still mostly did the Crash games I am most known for, I picked up more games this year than any other in the past. I re-learned Spyro 1 Reignited and A Hat in Time, and finally learned two games that I had wanted to learn for a long time: Harry Potter 1 on PS1 and Crash Twinsanity. In the former I even very quickly got into the Top 10 with a 1:16 after only a month or so, and I also helped establish the Any% (No Major Skips) category (by literally just saying "screw it" and doing a run, which garnered interest from a couple other runners).

This branching out also gave me some insight on what I enjoy most in a speedrun. In the past, I thought games with a heavy emphasis on movement and less emphasis on glitches and skips, like Crash 2 and Spyro 1, were the types of games I truly enjoyed. But with HP1PS1 and Crash Twinsanity being the two new runs I've learned that have actually stuck, I believe what I truly value are games with really cool tricks and sequence breaks, that may or may not have crazy movement. Movement is always key to any speedrun in my opinion, but I find myself putting less value on it now than I did in the past. My growing frustration with both versions of Crash 2, and my increasing fondness of both versions of Crash 3, also helps reinforce this.

2019 was a crazy year, but for all the rough patches, I went through a lot of self discovery and growth, and I haven't felt this positive about things in a long time. Anyone who's spoke to me in the past few years or so knows how many personal demons I've had to deal with since 2016, and how hard things have been. For the first time in what feels like years, things finally feel like they're looking up.

So what speedplans do I have going into 2020?

*Crash Twinsanity: I LOVE this game. I fucking ADORE it. I have wanted to learn Twins 100% for so long, and it was a hell of a lot to digest, but I'm so glad I did finally commit to it. 100% is quickly becoming my favorite speedrun of all time, rivaled only by Crash 3 108%, and despite how hard and frustrating it can be to keep a run going, I keep finding myself coming back to this game. I can spend hours in Jungle Bungle or kill a run that's 4.5 minutes ahead in Boiler Room Doom, and I will still enjoy myself overall. Expect a lot more Twins moving forward. It's on track to become my primary speedgame at this rate. 100% will be the priority, but I will also continue to do All Levels. I would also like to learn Any% soon.

*Crash NST: Although I still have room for improvement in Crash 2, I feel pretty content with where I am in it now. I made my mark on C2NST during the PS4 era, and am more than happy to have had other people finally take up the mantle since PC came out. I want to focus on Crash 3 this year. It's always been my favorite of the 3 games in NST, and I never put the time into it that I wanted to, and this year I want to change that. I think I could push my Any% down to 40 if I really tried, 41 at the very least. In 108 my short term goal is 2:12, but I would also like to see if I could push further, maybe even be in the running for WR again. I might do a little bit of Crash 1 and Crash 2 as well, but I don't intend on focusing on them like I plan on doing with Crash 3.

*Crash 2 OG: I'll be honest. I think I'm done with this game. At least for a while. I've tried two or three times now to come back to it since I got the 1:19, and I just don't feel the drive anymore. I got what I wanted. I got 42. I got 39. I got 1:19. I could get more if I wanted. I could get 41, 38, 1:16, if I really wanted to. But right now, I just don't want to. This might change in the future, but this was my first speedgame, and after nearly 5 years of it, I'm frankly tired of running a game where a lot of the time you're fighting the game itself rather than your own mistakes. That sounds really shitty to say mentality wise, but Crash 2 really feels like a fight against inputs a lot of the time. I would rather put my time into other games finally. If I were to come back to this game seriously at all in the near future, it would likely be to do GO Abuse.

*Crash 1 and 3 OG: I could see myself doing some improvements on these games in small intervals. I've always had an interest in C3 105, but have never put a lot of focus on it outside of prepping for the 1545, mostly due to focusing on either OG Crash 2 or NST 108 instead. I might change that this year. In Crash 1 I've recently been thinking of how old and bad my Any% run is, and I might want to push it down some more. I haven't decided yet though.

*CTR Nitro Fueled: I love this game casually, and even though I haven't done any Grand Prix's in a while due to burnout, I could see myself doing some more casual play at some point. I don't plan on returning to it speedwise because, as I stated above, it hurts my hands.

*Harry Potter: I got decent at this game really quickly, and it kinda burned me out as a result. But I am not done with HP1PS1 at all, and will likely return to it in the future. I could push Any% down a bit more, and I want to get a good time in No Major Skips. I have considered learning HP2PS1, but I'm not sure if I will.

*Spyro 1 Reignited and A Hat in Time: These games are both fun, but also extremely frustrating. I don't know if I want to continue running them in any serious capacity in the future, as the stress they put me under isn't really offset by how fun the run is, sadly.

*Other games: I think the next serious game on my radar is something from the Jak and Daxter series. For the longest time I've said that the one I want to learn is Jak 1, but the more I think about it, and the more I think about what I enjoy in speedruns as I stated above, I think I might actually want to learn Jak II instead. It's something I'll be mulling over for sure.

I have a positive outlook going into 2020, and I am very grateful to all the people who have stuck with me and been my friends throughout this whole adventure of a year. It would take way to long to shout you all out, but you know who you are. The future looks bright, so let's press forward towards it.

Sic parvis magna.

~Riko