Lewd Update 2017-09-16

I don't know that it's a wise idea for me to try to say anything more, but I just want to acknowledge a bit of what had gone on this past week. I don't intend on continuing with this stupid war and all I want is for us to try to move on from what happened, but I understand a lot of people got hurt along the way, for some irreversably so.

Basically, there was a dispute in my Discord server about my #serious channel and whether certain comments made in it were allowed. Things got heated, to say the least. I felt offended by various things said and actions performed by various people, and in the process started lashing out. I made some tweets regarding those events (that have since been deleted) and I unfairly shared private discussions in my Discord. Several people were mad at me for how I treated others and shot me down due to my anger. That both added to my anger and made me feel undesired in the online community, and I felt at several points like I did not belong here any longer. I disabled my Twitter and left most Discord servers, and was within inches of just deleting everything LewdDolphin-related because it seemed no one was happy with me.

Clearly, I'm still here. And as painful as it is, I want to stay here.

I am sincerely sorry to everyone who has been affected by this. I truly did not intend for things to get as messy or violent as they became. The underlying issue was miscommunication between good-hearted people who basically agree on the underlying issues, but on both sides felt like they were not getting heard or respected. Anger, not just on my end, added to the flames of arguments, which led to insults and personal attacks that should not have been made, etc. etc. etc.

I understand that I have lost some friends in the process of what happened, and I accept that. There are people who I similarly can't view as a friend after these events, for various reasons. But several things I want to have made clear, from my point of view:

1. I am not always like this. I have been a Twitch streamer since December 2013, doing FF13 things since August 2012, breathing since March 1989, and if you were to chronicle my life through Twitch, through FF13, or through life, you could make a list of more good things than bad things. If you choose to define my character simply via this week's events, then I can't help you; I just hope you can eventually remember there's more to Lewd than that asshole who let his emotions get the better of him.

2. I've gotten a lot of flak for how I reacted to people, and a lot of what I did was definitely terrible; but the way various people talked to me, *long before I even reached the point of outrage*, was upsetting. I did not feel like I was being respected, or even heard; I felt like I was getting dismissed. I know some people will believe I was likewise dismissing them, but I think both of us misinterpreted various comments. Like I said, the base of this was miscommunication between good-hearted people.

3. I don't think anyone involved is a terrible person, myself or Noctis included. I don't think people are outright assholes. I think everyone has their own life experiences which dictates how they handle various events, and those experiences led to a disagreement in how things should be handled. But I don't think anyone is intrinsically bad. I hope you don't take away from this thing that "Lewd is a bad person" or "Noctis is a bad person" or "X, Y, and Z are bad people" because that is absolutely not the case--there was just a feud that got out of hand and several people got understandably hurt.

4. I am, again, truly sorry for the pain and suffering I have caused by my actions. However, I still believe I am not the only person in the wrong for what happened. There is more than one person who offended or hurt me over the course of the week, either by being unnecessarily condescending or antagonistic, but they either refuse to acknowledge that they hurt me, or fail to see why I could possibly have been hurt. This is what led to me at one point making a remark about how I wished certain people could apologize to me; at this point I can't ask for one, nor do I even expect one, nor do I even expect the associated people to even understand why it was that I was hurt; but I still feel hurt by these people, just as they feel hurt by me, and both of our pain is understandable.

5. I was very close to killing off LewdDolphin and returning to Mark the internet hermit, but I decided not to. I hope I don't regret this decision, because I know and understand the gravity of what happened; but I hope I can continue to stream and maintain captive audiences, if only for gameplay and humor reasons at this point.

Lastly, I wish to have something made very clear: Noctis in her pastebin mentioned how various people have been insulting and/or threatening her for her actions or for not apologizing to me. I DID NOT CONDONE THAT, I DID NOT WANT PEOPLE TO DO THAT FOR ME, AND I CONDEMN ANYONE WHO TOOK PART IN THAT. I do wish certain people could apologize to me, but I do not think they are expected to apologize to me, nor do I think people should try to force an apology out of them. I also don't think throwing insults at one or the other on another's behalf is warranted or acceptable. I know I made some personal beefs public, and I know I'm responsible for having directly made people upset, but I don't wish for other people to try to get involved on my behalf, especially in an immature manner. Noctis, if you are reading this, I am sorry that happened to you and I wish people hadn't done that to you.

I hope we can move past this incident and to brighter days.
-Lewd