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EscalatorGate

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EscalatorGate
Oct 30th, 2019
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  1.  
  2.  
  3.  
  4. INT. PEASY'S HOUSE - DAY
  5.  
  6. PEASY LADEN, wearing a "This is What a Femtheist Looks Like"
  7. t-shirt stretched over his chubby, fifty-something frame,
  8. PACKS clothes into a suitcase, while talking on a cell phone.
  9.  
  10. PEASY
  11. Yeah, the "Sexy men of Skepticism"
  12. calendar turned out great! I had a
  13. nip slip, but it's still
  14. "artistic." We've been selling them
  15. to raise money for the conference.
  16. Gotta supplement the pittance the
  17. university's paying me.
  18.  
  19. CUT TO:
  20.  
  21.  
  22.  
  23. INT. BARRY'S HOUSE - DAY
  24.  
  25. BARRY McGRAW CHECKS his ticket, holding a cell phone to his
  26. ear, his luggage nearby.
  27.  
  28. BARRY
  29. (into the phone)
  30. How's your speech coming along?
  31.  
  32. CUT TO:
  33.  
  34.  
  35.  
  36. INT. PEASY'S HOUSE - DAY
  37.  
  38. Peasy continues PACKING.
  39.  
  40. PEASY
  41. I've been working on it all week.
  42. It's my best one yet, it's gonna
  43. knock their socks off. Hey, I've
  44. gotta skedaddle. How does an
  45. octopus go to war? Well-armed! See
  46. you in the South Pacific!
  47.  
  48. BARRY (O.S.)
  49. Give my best to your Trophy Wife.
  50.  
  51. PEASY
  52. Alright, bye.
  53.  
  54. He PUTS down the phone on his desk, then speaks to a foot
  55. high bronze trophy of a woman, on a shelf.
  56.  
  57. PEASY (CONT'D)
  58. Barry says Hi.
  59.  
  60. CUT TO:
  61.  
  62.  
  63.  
  64. INT. DICK'S HOUSE - DAY
  65.  
  66. The late sixty-something, baby-faced DICK RAWKINS and his
  67. wife ROMANA stand in the entrance of their home, as Dick PUTS
  68. ON his overcoat and gloves.
  69.  
  70. DICK
  71. It's "Feminists in Atheism," I
  72. think. Sounds like a good cause, at
  73. any rate.
  74.  
  75. ROMANA
  76. Who else is going to be there?
  77.  
  78. DICK
  79. Gretel Bensonhurst is organizing.
  80. And Peasy. He'll be doing the lead
  81. up to my keynote.
  82.  
  83. ROMANA
  84. Oh? Do you think that's a good
  85. idea? He did seem to be all over
  86. god's green Earth last time,
  87. thematically.
  88.  
  89. DICK
  90. Not to worry, my love. I'll look
  91. his notes over beforehand.
  92.  
  93. ROMANA
  94. Alright, then. Have fun in Hawaii.
  95.  
  96. DICK
  97. I'll have no fun at all without
  98. you.
  99.  
  100. He PULLS her closer.
  101.  
  102. ROMANA
  103. Oh, Dick. My Horseman.
  104.  
  105. DICK
  106. Goodbye, Romana.
  107.  
  108. He KISSES her on the cheek, then separates from her and OPENS
  109. the door.
  110.  
  111. ROMANA
  112. Bye.
  113.  
  114. DICK
  115. See you soon.
  116.  
  117. ROMANA
  118. Love you.
  119.  
  120. DICK
  121. Love you too.
  122.  
  123. He SHUTS the door softly.
  124.  
  125. CUT TO:
  126.  
  127.  
  128.  
  129. EXT. HOTEL - DAY
  130.  
  131. A shuttle bus PULLS UP outside the Hawaii Marriott Hotel, and
  132. Peasy GETS OFF, carrying his luggage, wearing a tacky
  133. Hawaiian shirt.
  134.  
  135. A taxicab PULLS UP, and Barry GETS OUT, with his suitcase,
  136. wearing a lei.
  137.  
  138. BARRY
  139. Squidman! How was the flight?
  140.  
  141. PEASY
  142. I had to sit next to a Rethuglican.
  143. He tried to take away my health
  144. insurance.
  145.  
  146. BARRY
  147. Whoa! Let's get some beer into you.
  148. Calm those liberal nerves.
  149.  
  150. They WALK toward the hotel front entrance.
  151.  
  152. CUT TO:
  153.  
  154.  
  155.  
  156. INT. HOTEL (LOBBY) - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  157.  
  158. Peasy and Barry ENTER, WALKING toward the front desk.
  159.  
  160. GRETEL and STEPHANIE talk nearby.
  161.  
  162. GRETEL
  163. You've heard about the "list,"
  164. right?
  165.  
  166. STEPHANIE
  167. What list?
  168.  
  169. Peasy and Barry reach the front desk and put their luggage
  170. DOWN, to register.
  171.  
  172. Dick ENTERS through the front doors, with his luggage.
  173.  
  174. GRETEL
  175. I'll tell you later.
  176. (to Dick)
  177. Dick! Thanks for coming! I don't
  178. have time to chat now, but I'll
  179. talk to you later.
  180.  
  181. She PULLS Stephanie away, by the arm.
  182.  
  183. DICK
  184. (to Peasy)
  185. Hail fellow, well met!
  186.  
  187. PEASY
  188. Dick, I'd like you to meet my
  189. friend, Barry. He runs a popular
  190. blog too.
  191.  
  192. Dick PUTS his suitcase down, and SHAKES Barry's hand.
  193.  
  194. BARRY
  195. Website. It's not a blog.
  196.  
  197. DICK
  198. I see. And what is your popular
  199. website about?
  200.  
  201. BARRY
  202. Cats.
  203.  
  204. DICK
  205. Cats.
  206.  
  207. BARRY
  208. And evolution. Some theology. But
  209. mostly cats and food. And music I
  210. like.
  211.  
  212. DICK
  213. I see. Well, I'll be sure to check
  214. that out sometime.
  215.  
  216. BARRY
  217. If you do, leave a comment.
  218.  
  219. DICK
  220. On your ... website.
  221.  
  222. BARRY
  223. Yeah.
  224.  
  225. DICK
  226. Jolly good. We should probably make
  227. for the conference room: It looks
  228. like Gretel's already started her
  229. commencement address.
  230.  
  231. CUT TO:
  232.  
  233.  
  234.  
  235. INT. HOTEL (CONFERENCE ROOM) - DAY
  236.  
  237. Gretel speaks at the podium.
  238.  
  239. Peasy, Dick, and Barry ENTER and sit down together in the
  240. back row, in an audience of more women than men.
  241.  
  242. GRETEL
  243. Guess what we're supposed to think-
  244. the kittens with pink bows are
  245. girls. So why are there only four
  246. girls then? Why seventeen boy
  247. kittens and just four flirtatious,
  248. coy, bow-behind-the-ear fuck-me
  249. girl kitties? And when the fuck do
  250. kittens ever wear bows behind their
  251. ears?!! How would you even attach
  252. it? And why would you try when you
  253. know the kitten would yank it off
  254. in two seconds flat?
  255.  
  256. BARRY
  257. (to Peasy)
  258. That's true.
  259.  
  260. GRETEL
  261. I'll tell you why: It's the
  262. SpongeBob Principle. It's the Bugs
  263. Bunny principle, the Quicksdraw
  264. principle, the Flintstones
  265. principle. It's the every-cartoon
  266. character-and-atheist-conference
  267. speaker-is-a-boy-except-for-kittens
  268. with-pink-bows-behind-their-ears
  269. principle.
  270.  
  271. The audience APPLAUDS loudly.
  272.  
  273. GRETEL (CONT'D)
  274. And why are they kittens, rather
  275. than puppies? I'll tell you why:
  276. It's because they want you to think
  277. of pussy!
  278.  
  279. BARRY
  280. I hadn't thought of that.
  281.  
  282. GRETEL
  283. Except you're not allowed to say
  284. "pussy"! It's making fun of weak
  285. men by comparing them to vaginas!
  286. Vaginas aren't weak!
  287.  
  288. The audience APPLAUDS.
  289.  
  290. GRETEL (CONT'D)
  291. It's fine to call someone a
  292. "douchebag" or "ass-hat":
  293. Douchebagging and ass-hattery are
  294. what they're doing. It's not what
  295. they are. A "pussy" is what a woman
  296. is.
  297.  
  298. More APPLAUSE.
  299.  
  300. GRETEL (CONT'D)
  301. There's only one thing you can do
  302. with people who use bad words:
  303. shame them in public, until they
  304. grovel in the mud begging for
  305. forgiveness like the filthy sexist
  306. pigs they are!
  307.  
  308. Wild APPLAUSE.
  309.  
  310. GRETEL (CONT'D)
  311. Thank you. I've got my latest co
  312. written book for sale at the merch
  313. table:
  314. (she HOLDS UP a copy)
  315. "The Man Delusion: How Semen
  316. Poisons Everything."
  317.  
  318. The audience APPLAUDS some more.
  319.  
  320. CUT TO:
  321.  
  322.  
  323.  
  324. INT. HOTEL - DAY
  325.  
  326. Peasy and Barry file OUT of the conference room surrounded by
  327. other attendees, talking enthusiastically amongst themselves.
  328.  
  329. Peasy clutches a copy of Gretel's "Man Delusion" book,
  330. skimming the back cover as he WALKS.
  331.  
  332. PEASY
  333. Wow, she's right: We're all woman
  334. hating sexists.
  335.  
  336. CUT TO:
  337.  
  338.  
  339.  
  340. EXT. HOTEL - DUSK
  341.  
  342. Dick sits on a park bench nearby the hotel, reading Ayaan
  343. Hirsi Ali's "The Caged Virgin," as the sun sets.
  344.  
  345. He CLOSES the book in the dimming light, and RISES.
  346.  
  347. CUT TO:
  348.  
  349.  
  350.  
  351. INT. HOTEL (BAR) - NIGHT
  352.  
  353. Peasy holds a beer, with Barry close by, surrounded by
  354. acolytes.
  355.  
  356. PEASY
  357. Okay, what did the boy octopus say
  358. to the girl octopus? "I wanna hold
  359. your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand,
  360. hand!"
  361.  
  362. BARRY
  363. That's only six.
  364.  
  365. PEASY
  366. I know. The other two are legs.
  367.  
  368. ACOLYTE
  369. You sure know a lot about
  370. cephalopods and metazoans, Dr.
  371. Laden. Oh, you dropped something.
  372.  
  373. PEASY
  374. My room key!
  375.  
  376. He BENDS DOWN to pick it up.
  377.  
  378. PEASY (CONT'D)
  379. Holes in my pockets. You'd think
  380. the university would pay me enough
  381. that I could afford new pants!
  382. Alright, I've had enough, guys.
  383. I'm exhausted, going to bed. Got a
  384. big speech tomorrow.
  385.  
  386. CUT TO:
  387.  
  388.  
  389.  
  390. INT. HOTEL (ESCALATOR) - NIGHT
  391.  
  392. Peasy WALKS (room key in hand) toward the escalator up to the
  393. first floor.
  394.  
  395. Dick CATCHES UP with him from behind, a sheaf of papers in
  396. his hand.
  397.  
  398. DICK
  399. Ah, Peasy!
  400.  
  401. They STEP together onto the escalator.
  402.  
  403. DICK (CONT'D)
  404. Don't take this the wrong way, but
  405. I've been looking over your speech
  406. for tomorrow, and I have a few
  407. suggestions. Would you like to come
  408. to my hotel room for coffee, and
  409. discuss them?
  410.  
  411. Peasy's eyes dart around, looking for a means of escape.
  412.  
  413. PEASY
  414. I'm ... flattered, Dick. But I have
  415. a Trophy Wife at home.
  416.  
  417. DICK
  418. Ah yes, of course. I'd best call
  419. Romana too, before I turn in.
  420.  
  421. He CHECKS his watch.
  422.  
  423. They arrive at the top of the escalator, and STEP off it.
  424.  
  425. PEASY
  426. This is my floor.
  427.  
  428. DICK
  429. Mine too.
  430.  
  431. Peasy WALKS down the hallway, followed by Dick.
  432.  
  433. PEASY
  434. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
  435.  
  436. DICK
  437. Indeed.
  438.  
  439. Peasy WALKS FASTER, glancing back over his shoulder, then
  440. TURNS AROUND to face Dick.
  441.  
  442. PEASY
  443. Why are you following me?
  444.  
  445. DICK
  446. We have adjacent rooms, remember?
  447.  
  448. He indicates their doors.
  449.  
  450. PEASY
  451. Oh, right.
  452. (under his breath)
  453. Wasn't that convenient?
  454.  
  455. Dick UNLOCKS and OPENS the door to his room.
  456.  
  457. DICK
  458. Sleep well.
  459.  
  460. He ENTERS the room and CLOSES the door behind him.
  461.  
  462. PEASY
  463. I wish I could.
  464.  
  465. He shakily OPENS his room door, ENTERS, and CLOSES the door
  466. behind him.
  467.  
  468. CUT TO:
  469.  
  470.  
  471.  
  472. INT. HOTEL (PEASY'S ROOM) - NIGHT
  473.  
  474. Peasy sits in his darkened room on the edge of his bed, sweat
  475. pouring down his face.
  476.  
  477. The sound of bedsprings CREAKING comes through the wall, from
  478. the next room.
  479.  
  480. PEASY
  481. What the hell is he doing in there?
  482.  
  483. CUT TO:
  484.  
  485.  
  486.  
  487. INT. HOTEL (DICK'S ROOM) - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  488.  
  489. Dick does SIT-UPS on his bed.
  490.  
  491. DICK
  492. Ninety-nine, one-hundred.
  493.  
  494. He STRETCHES OUT on the bed.
  495.  
  496. DICK (CONT'D)
  497. I feel like I'm eighteen again!
  498.  
  499. CUT TO:
  500.  
  501.  
  502.  
  503. INT. HOTEL (PEASY'S ROOM) - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  504.  
  505. Peasy sits, still on the edge of his bed.
  506.  
  507. DICK (O.S.)
  508. Whoo!
  509.  
  510. Peasy SHUDDERS.
  511.  
  512. CUT TO:
  513.  
  514.  
  515.  
  516. INT. HOTEL (DINING ROOM) - DAY
  517.  
  518. Dick ENTERS, holding a sheaf of papers.
  519.  
  520. Peasy EATS breakfast, alone at a table.
  521.  
  522. Dick STOPS at Peasy's table.
  523.  
  524. DICK
  525. Ah, Peasy. I went over your speech
  526. again this morning, and corrected
  527. some of the more egregious
  528. grammatical errors and
  529. misstatements of fact.
  530.  
  531. He PICKS the printed speech off the top of his sheaf, and
  532. PUTS it down in front of Peasy.
  533.  
  534. DICK (CONT'D)
  535. Oh, and I think it might be best if
  536. you excise the bit about baboons.
  537. It doesn't really fit with the
  538. overall narrative.
  539.  
  540. He smiles, and WALKS away.
  541.  
  542. Peasy sneers, PUSHES his plate away, and PICKS the red-pen
  543. marked papers up.
  544.  
  545. CUT TO:
  546.  
  547.  
  548.  
  549. INT. HOTEL (CONFERENCE ROOM) - DAY
  550.  
  551. A BLACK WOMAN (SARAN) stands at the podium, speaking
  552. animatedly.
  553.  
  554. Barry and Peasy sit, listening.
  555.  
  556. SARAN
  557. Uppity Negress see dem o.g.
  558. gangstas speechifyin'. Uppity
  559. Negress gon' smack dem o.g.
  560. gangstas down, yo!
  561.  
  562. BARRY
  563. What?
  564.  
  565. PEASY
  566. Old white male atheists. Smackdown.
  567.  
  568. SARAN
  569. Dem o.g.'s, dey bein' upset 'bout
  570. dis Negress' wack attack on deyah
  571. white affumative action an' deyah
  572. raciss sci-entism an' deyah
  573. edjookayshional a-partheid. Dey
  574. bein' upset, dat a black beeyotch
  575. be callin' dem out fo' deyah white
  576. privilege in deyah Kumbaya fem-tee
  577. ist nation, hu-ah! Well, dey beddah
  578. get use tu dat. 'Cause Uppity
  579. Negress not goin' take yo white
  580. supremaciss atheiss KKK bullshit no
  581. mo', honkeys! Fo' Trayvon!
  582.  
  583. The Audience ERUPTS in APPLAUSE.
  584.  
  585. PEASY
  586. Wow, she's right: We're all white
  587. supremacists.
  588.  
  589. Barry raises his eyebrows.
  590.  
  591. CUT TO:
  592.  
  593.  
  594.  
  595. INT. HOTEL (DICK'S ROOM) - DAY
  596.  
  597. Dick sits at his hotel-room desk, revising his speech.
  598.  
  599. DICK
  600. (mumbles, reading)
  601. ... increased opportunities for
  602. women in the
  603. (he strokes out a word)
  604. secular community.
  605.  
  606. He RISES, WALKS over to the mini-bar, and OPENS it.
  607.  
  608. DICK (CONT'D)
  609. Hmm, What Would Hitchens Do?
  610.  
  611. CUT TO:
  612.  
  613.  
  614.  
  615. INT. HOTEL (BAR) - DAY
  616.  
  617. Peasy sits at a table in the quiet bar, working on his laptop
  618. computer.
  619.  
  620. Barry ENTERS, and WALKS up to the bar and its bartender,
  621. CARL.
  622.  
  623. BARRY
  624. Guinness.
  625.  
  626. He WALKS OVER to Peasy.
  627.  
  628. BARRY (CONT'D)
  629. What are you up to?
  630.  
  631. PEASY
  632. Meme Generator.
  633.  
  634. Barry LEANS over Peasy's shoulder, and reads from the
  635. computer screen:
  636.  
  637. BARRY
  638. "When I Said Coffee, I Meant: I
  639. Want to Fuck You Like an Enema"
  640. (to Peasy)
  641. I don't know. Maybe he really did
  642. just want to help you with your
  643. speech.
  644.  
  645. Peasy's jaw drops.
  646.  
  647. PEASY
  648. You can't tell me what I'm supposed
  649. to feel! You ... anti-femtheist!
  650.  
  651. BARRY
  652. I wasn't tell--
  653.  
  654. PEASY
  655. You need to shut up and listen,
  656. when femtheists tell you what they
  657. want!
  658.  
  659. BARRY
  660. But--
  661.  
  662. PEASY
  663. Shut up and listen!
  664.  
  665. Carl DELIVERS Barry's beer.
  666.  
  667. BARRY
  668. Can I just ask a question?
  669.  
  670. PEASY
  671. No! Shut up and listen!
  672.  
  673. Pause.
  674.  
  675. BARRY
  676. If--
  677.  
  678. PEASY
  679. Shut. Up. And. Listen!
  680.  
  681. Long pause.
  682.  
  683. CARL
  684. (to Barry)
  685. That's six bucks.
  686.  
  687. PEASY
  688. Shut up!
  689.  
  690. CARL
  691. (over his shoulder)
  692. Jimbo!
  693.  
  694. JIMBO the bouncer ENTERS the room, WALKING over to Peasy,
  695. towering over him.
  696.  
  697. JIMBO
  698. Is there a problem here?
  699.  
  700. PEASY
  701. No, Sir.
  702.  
  703. CUT TO:
  704.  
  705.  
  706.  
  707. INT. HOTEL (CONFERENCE ROOM) - DAY
  708.  
  709. Gretel stands at the podium.
  710.  
  711. In the audience, Dick reads over his notes.
  712.  
  713. GRETEL
  714. And now, it's my pleasure to
  715. introduce to you, all the way from
  716. Minnesota, Dr. Peasy Laden.
  717.  
  718. The audience APPLAUDS politely.
  719.  
  720. Peasy WALKS up to the podium.
  721.  
  722. PEASY
  723. Before I get to my main content
  724. (to Dick)
  725. on the contributions of baboons to
  726. femtheist ideology
  727. (to Audience)
  728. I want to address sexism in the
  729. secular movement, which I think is
  730. a rampant problem.
  731.  
  732. He PICKS UP the remote control for the projector.
  733.  
  734. PEASY (CONT'D)
  735. What's worse, there are people in
  736. our own community who won't stand
  737. up for other femtheists when
  738. they've been the victims of sexual
  739. harassment.
  740.  
  741. He CLICKS the remote control.
  742.  
  743. The screen shows a screencap of a post from Barry's blog,
  744. titled: "Fursdays wif Barry: Peasy an da Femtheist Cat
  745. echism, LOLZ!" The blog posting has a picture of a cat in a
  746. bikini, with the caption: "Oh noes! I haz a
  747. sekshoowaleyezayshun!")
  748.  
  749. PEASY (CONT'D)
  750. They don't understand what sexual
  751. objectification means. They're just
  752. plain anti-femtheist.
  753.  
  754. The Audience APPLAUDS.
  755.  
  756. BARRY
  757. That's not true.
  758.  
  759. PEASY
  760. I was sexually assaulted last
  761. night, right after I had said,
  762. publicly, that I was tired, and was
  763. going to bed. By someone I used to
  764. admire. I don't want to name names
  765. ... let's just call him ...
  766. EscalatorGuy. I'm not calling him
  767. out to embarrass him, but ...
  768. seriously, guys, don't do that.
  769. It's creepy.
  770.  
  771. APPLAUSE.
  772.  
  773. PEASY (CONT'D)
  774. I used to buy his books for gifts,
  775. but I won't ever buy a book by him
  776. or attend any of his lectures. I'm
  777. definitely not calling for a
  778. boycott. I just choose not to buy
  779. his gelato. I mean, his books. And
  780. if you're any kind of femtheist,
  781. you will too. Or won't either.
  782. Isn't that right, Dick?
  783.  
  784. Dick looks up from his papers.
  785.  
  786. DICK
  787. Hmm?
  788.  
  789. PEASY
  790. (to Audience)
  791. I had been told that there was a
  792. "list," of famous, married
  793. conference speakers who like to
  794. prey on attractive, young associate
  795. professors. Of biology. Who have
  796. popular blogs. I didn't believe it.
  797. But now I know it's true. There are
  798. some real dicks around here.
  799. (he glances at Dick)
  800. Men who deserve to be named and
  801. shamed for behaving like a dick,
  802. Dick.
  803.  
  804. DICK
  805. Pardon?
  806.  
  807. PEASY
  808. If you and Romana have an open
  809. relationship, or if you're gay and
  810. your marriage is just a sham,
  811. that's none of my business. I don't
  812. even care. But being gay doesn't
  813. give you the right to sexualize me,
  814. just because I showed my nipple in
  815. an artistic "Sexy men of Skepdick"
  816. calendar.
  817.  
  818. DICK
  819. What on Earth are you talking
  820. about, Peasy?
  821.  
  822. PEASY
  823. Last night? On the escalator? "Come
  824. back to my room for coffee"?
  825. Coffee, wink, wink.
  826.  
  827. DICK
  828. Sweet Mitzi Gaynor, is that what
  829. this is about?
  830.  
  831. PEASY
  832. Don't think I don't know what
  833. "coffee" means! I'm an associate
  834. professor of biology! I eat coffee
  835. for breakfast.
  836.  
  837. DICK
  838. Bloody hell! Have you gone
  839. completely off?
  840.  
  841. PEASY
  842. Typical privileged white
  843. heterosexual ... or homosexual ...
  844. man: A femtheist speaks out against
  845. sexual harassment, and you call her
  846. crazy!
  847.  
  848. DICK
  849. Peasy, you're making a big
  850. production ... out of nothing.
  851.  
  852. The audience HISSES.
  853.  
  854. PEASY
  855. Big production? Big production?
  856. I'll show you a big production.
  857.  
  858. He grabs a shower cap from the podium; and sings, to the tune
  859. of "I'm Gonna Wash That Man (Right Out of My Hair)":
  860.  
  861. PEASY (CONT'D)
  862. I'm gonna shame that douchebag for
  863. being a dick
  864. I'm gonna shame that douchebag for
  865. being a dick
  866. I'm gonna shame that douchebag for
  867. being a dick
  868. I don't care if he's gay
  869.  
  870. DICK
  871. I'm not gay.
  872.  
  873. PEASY
  874. (singing)
  875. I'm gonna make that douchebag
  876. regret he's alive
  877.  
  878. ALL (EXCEPT DICK)
  879. (singing)
  880. I'm gonna make that douchebag
  881. regret he's alive
  882. I'm gonna make that douchebag
  883. regret he's alive
  884. We don't care if he's gay
  885.  
  886. PEASY
  887. (singing)
  888. Don't be too skeptical
  889.  
  890. ALL (EXCEPT DICK)
  891. (singing)
  892. Sexist mis-ogynist
  893.  
  894. PEASY
  895. (singing)
  896. A white intellectual
  897.  
  898. ALL (EXCEPT DICK)
  899. (singing)
  900. Racist su-premacist
  901.  
  902. PEASY
  903. (singing)
  904. Rape him with a porcupine
  905. Fem-Sisters!
  906.  
  907. ALL (EXCEPT DICK)
  908. (singing)
  909. I'm gonna shame that douchebag for
  910. being a dick
  911. I'm gonna shame that douchebag for
  912. being a dick
  913. I'm gonna shame that douchebag for
  914. being a dick
  915. We don't care if he's gay
  916.  
  917. PEASY
  918. (singing)
  919. If a Horseman tries to rape you
  920. If his dick swings in your face
  921. Smack it down, make him wait
  922. Never let it escalate
  923. Don't you drink his hot coffee
  924. And never swallow his cream
  925.  
  926. GRETEL
  927. (singing)
  928. If you swear at men and women
  929. Or at butterflies and wheels
  930. "Douchebag"'s fine, "ass" is rich
  931. Never call her "cunt" or "bitch"
  932. Criticize what she's doing
  933. But don't insult what she is
  934.  
  935. ALL
  936. (singing)
  937. A ho! A ho!
  938.  
  939. GRETEL
  940. No! Stop! We're not ho's! The
  941. Madonna/whore complex is just what
  942. the patriarchy wants you to--
  943.  
  944. DICK
  945. Oh, sod the lot of you!
  946.  
  947. He RISES, and WALKS briskly out.
  948.  
  949. PEASY
  950. (singing)
  951. I went and shamed that douchebag
  952. for being a dick
  953. I went and shamed that douchebag
  954. for being a dick
  955. I went and shamed that douchebag
  956. for being a dick
  957. I don't care if he's gay
  958.  
  959. ALL
  960. (singing)
  961. He went and shamed that douchebag
  962. for being a dick
  963. He went and shamed that douchebag
  964. for being a dick
  965. He went and shamed that douchebag
  966. for being a dick
  967. We don't care if he's gay!
  968.  
  969. CUT TO:
  970.  
  971.  
  972.  
  973. INT. HOTEL (DICK'S ROOM) - DAY
  974.  
  975. Dick THROWS his clothes back into the suitcase on his bed,
  976. while holding a cellphone to his ear.
  977.  
  978. DICK
  979. (into the phone)
  980. I'm leaving early. These
  981. "femtheists" are out of their
  982. minds. Barking mad. I'd sooner try
  983. to reason with a hotel full of
  984. Scientologists!
  985.  
  986. CUT TO:
  987.  
  988.  
  989.  
  990. INT. HOTEL (CONFERENCE ROOM) - DAY
  991.  
  992. Gretel stands at the podium, with Peasy nearby.
  993.  
  994. Barry sits in the audience.
  995.  
  996. GRETEL
  997. This was going to be the time for
  998. our keynote speech by the-man-who
  999. shall-not-be-named, but since he
  1000. scurried off to his slimepit....
  1001.  
  1002. The Audience CHEERS.
  1003.  
  1004. GRETEL (CONT'D)
  1005. In his place is our white-knight
  1006. hero, and new president of the
  1007. Femtheist Association of America,
  1008. Peasy Laden.
  1009.  
  1010. The Audience CHEERS WILDLY.
  1011.  
  1012. GRETEL (CONT'D)
  1013. Peasy, before you grace us with
  1014. your words of femtheist wisdom,
  1015. I've got a little surprise. On
  1016. behalf of the Femtheist Association
  1017. of America, I'd like to present you
  1018. with the first annual Honorary
  1019. Golden Labia award, for your
  1020. efforts in creating a "safe space"
  1021. for femtheists, even though you've
  1022. got a penis.
  1023.  
  1024. She HANDS OVER the trophy to Peasy.
  1025.  
  1026. BARRY
  1027. Hmpf! Extraordinary claims.
  1028.  
  1029. PEASY
  1030. Thank you, Gretel. These are what
  1031. I've always wanted. I can't wait
  1032. 'til my Trophy ... uh, I mean my co
  1033. equal life partner, sees this. If
  1034. there's one thing I've learned over
  1035. the past couple days, it's that we
  1036. don't need leaders like Dick.
  1037.  
  1038. The Audience CHEERS.
  1039.  
  1040. PEASY (CONT'D)
  1041. We don't need anyone to lead us!
  1042.  
  1043. The Audience CHEERS WILDLY.
  1044.  
  1045. PEASY (CONT'D)
  1046. We are all Horsemen now!
  1047.  
  1048. The Audience falls silent.
  1049.  
  1050. Crickets CHIRP.
  1051.  
  1052. GRETEL
  1053. Horse-people.
  1054.  
  1055. PEASY
  1056. Uh, of course! A woman can be a
  1057. Horseman ... Horse-person, as good
  1058. as any man. But that's a Horse of a
  1059. different color. Ha-ha.
  1060.  
  1061. From the front row, Saran glares at him, and CLEARS her
  1062. throat.
  1063.  
  1064. PEASY (CONT'D)
  1065. Oh! No, not you! Obviously, a woman
  1066. of color can be just as good of a
  1067. Horse-person ... of color....
  1068. (pause)
  1069. Uh, I'm proud to say, there have
  1070. been no reports of escalator
  1071. harassment filed since I became
  1072. president of the F-A-A.
  1073.  
  1074. GRETEL
  1075. What do you mean? I got groped on
  1076. that escalator ten minutes ago!
  1077.  
  1078. PEASY
  1079. You did?
  1080.  
  1081. GRETEL
  1082. I've been groped, grabbed, told I'm
  1083. a whore, a slut, a bitch, a prude,
  1084. a dyke, a cunt, a twat, told I
  1085. should be raped, told I'm too ugly
  1086. to be raped--
  1087.  
  1088. BARRY
  1089. (to the WOMAN sitting next
  1090. to him)
  1091. That's true.
  1092.  
  1093. GRETEL
  1094. All on that escalator. Constantly.
  1095.  
  1096. PEASY
  1097. Wow, I'm awfully sorry. If you'll
  1098. just fill out a report the next
  1099. time it happens--
  1100.  
  1101. GRETEL
  1102. You're blaming the victim!
  1103.  
  1104. PEASY
  1105. What? No, of course n--
  1106.  
  1107. GRETEL
  1108. You can't ask a victim to fill out
  1109. a report, after she's just been
  1110. almost raped! On an escalator! When
  1111. she's afraid of retaliation!
  1112.  
  1113. PEASY
  1114. But ... how can we know harassment
  1115. is occurring, if you don't report
  1116. it?
  1117.  
  1118. GRETEL
  1119. You just have to be able to tell!
  1120.  
  1121. PEASY
  1122. Oh. Okay. I suppose we could hire a
  1123. ... psychic? Paul the Octopus,
  1124. maybe? Ha-ha. Or Sylvia Browne?
  1125.  
  1126. Cold silence.
  1127.  
  1128. GRETEL
  1129. (chants)
  1130. We're gonna shame that douchebag
  1131. for being a dick.
  1132.  
  1133. The Audience joins her in the chant:
  1134.  
  1135. ALL (EXCEPT PEASY)
  1136. We're gonna shame that douchebag
  1137. for being a dick. We're gonna shame
  1138. that douchebag for being a dick.
  1139.  
  1140. They continue CHANTING.
  1141.  
  1142. PEASY
  1143. I wish James Randi was here.
  1144.  
  1145. He SLIDES nervously off the stage.
  1146.  
  1147. The audience members RISE and follow him.
  1148.  
  1149. CUT TO:
  1150.  
  1151.  
  1152.  
  1153. INT. HOTEL - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  1154.  
  1155. Peasy LUMBERS out of the conference room (still holding his
  1156. trophy), pursued by Gretel and the audience of femtheists.
  1157.  
  1158. They CHASE him through the bar, UP the escalator, and DOWN
  1159. the hotel hallways, toward his room.
  1160.  
  1161. Peasy turns a corner, and DUCKS into a dark broom closet,
  1162. gasping for breath, grasping his chest.
  1163.  
  1164. Outside, the horde THUNDERS by.
  1165.  
  1166. Peasy OPENS the door and POKES his head out, clutching his
  1167. chest and breathing heavily, COUGHING from the dust.
  1168.  
  1169. CUT TO:
  1170.  
  1171.  
  1172.  
  1173. INT. HOTEL (HALLWAY) - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  1174.  
  1175. Peasy STUMBLES up to his room door, still breathing heavily
  1176. and clutching his chest.
  1177.  
  1178. PEASY
  1179. Oh, my ... heart ... surgery. Ugh!
  1180.  
  1181. He SWAYS on his feet, and LEANS against the wall for support.
  1182.  
  1183. The GHOST OF CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS appears before him.
  1184.  
  1185. PEASY (CONT'D)
  1186. Hitchens!
  1187.  
  1188. HITCHENS
  1189. And you want to be a Horseman.
  1190. Pussy.
  1191.  
  1192. PEASY
  1193. That's "Peasy."
  1194.  
  1195. HITCHENS
  1196. Pussy!
  1197.  
  1198. Hitchens' Ghost disappears.
  1199.  
  1200. Peasy recovers, and REACHES into his (empty) pocket.
  1201.  
  1202. PEASY
  1203. My room key. Arrrgh!
  1204.  
  1205. He turns the pocket inside-out, then searches in his other
  1206. pockets, coming up empty.
  1207.  
  1208. He KNOCKS frantically on Dick's door.
  1209.  
  1210. Dicks OPENS the door a crack.
  1211.  
  1212. PEASY (CONT'D)
  1213. Dick! Let me in! The Horse-people
  1214. of color ... they want blood! And
  1215. Hitchens won't help me! I'm not
  1216. going back in that closet!
  1217.  
  1218. DICK
  1219. What the Devil?
  1220.  
  1221. Peasy looks down the hallway.
  1222.  
  1223. Gretel and the horde appear at the end of it.
  1224.  
  1225. GRETEL
  1226. There he is!
  1227.  
  1228. They RUSH toward Peasy.
  1229.  
  1230. PEASY
  1231. Arrrggh!
  1232. (to Dick)
  1233. I take it all back! "Coffee" means
  1234. coffee! Just let me in!
  1235.  
  1236. Dick rolls his eyes, and OPENS the door.
  1237.  
  1238. CUT TO:
  1239.  
  1240.  
  1241.  
  1242. INT. HOTEL (DICK'S ROOM) - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  1243.  
  1244. Peasy STUMBLES in.
  1245.  
  1246. Dick CLOSES and LOCKS the door quickly behind him.
  1247.  
  1248. He sees the Labia trophy in Peasy's hand.
  1249.  
  1250. DICK
  1251. What in blazes is that?
  1252.  
  1253. PEASY
  1254. My award.
  1255.  
  1256. Femtheists POUND on the door.
  1257.  
  1258. PEASY (CONT'D)
  1259. How long do you think we can hold
  1260. out in here? A week? What's in the
  1261. mini-bar?
  1262.  
  1263. He PUTS the trophy down on top of the mini-bar, and OPENS the
  1264. mini-bar door.
  1265.  
  1266. The Ghost of Hitchens appears again.
  1267.  
  1268. HITCHENS
  1269. Don't touch my scotch, Pussy!
  1270.  
  1271. PEASY
  1272. Sorry ... Hitch.
  1273.  
  1274. He CLOSES the mini-bar door.
  1275.  
  1276. HITCHENS
  1277. Don't call me "Hitch"! You haven't
  1278. earned the right.
  1279.  
  1280. The Ghost disappears, again.
  1281.  
  1282. Femtheists continue POUNDING on the door.
  1283.  
  1284. DICK
  1285. There's only one way out, now.
  1286.  
  1287. He OPENS the window.
  1288.  
  1289. PEASY
  1290. No, Dick! Don't do it!
  1291.  
  1292. Dick JUMPS out the window.
  1293.  
  1294. Peasy RUSHES over to the open window.
  1295.  
  1296. DICK (O.S.)
  1297. I feel like I'm eighteen again!
  1298.  
  1299. Peasy pokes his head out the window, to see the canopy of a
  1300. gelato shop beneath the first-story window.
  1301.  
  1302. CUT TO:
  1303.  
  1304.  
  1305.  
  1306. EXT. HOTEL - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  1307.  
  1308. Dick stands, unharmed, on the sidewalk outside the gelato
  1309. shop.
  1310.  
  1311. DICK
  1312. What are you waiting for ...
  1313. Muslima?
  1314.  
  1315. CUT TO:
  1316.  
  1317.  
  1318.  
  1319. INT. HOTEL (DICK'S ROOM) - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  1320.  
  1321. Femtheists BREAK DOWN the door, and FLOOD into the room.
  1322.  
  1323. Peasy SHRIEKS, and SQUEEZES out through the window.
  1324.  
  1325. CUT TO:
  1326.  
  1327.  
  1328.  
  1329. EXT. HOTEL - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  1330.  
  1331. Peasy PLOPS down on the center of the canopy, COLLAPSING it,
  1332. and falling down HARD onto the pavement on top of it.
  1333.  
  1334. CUT TO:
  1335.  
  1336.  
  1337.  
  1338. EXT. HOTEL - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
  1339.  
  1340. Peasy lies on the ground, the crumpled canopy beneath him.
  1341.  
  1342. DICK
  1343. Peasy? Are you alright?
  1344.  
  1345. Peasy PICKS himself up.
  1346.  
  1347. PEASY
  1348. I think so. I feel like I'm forty
  1349. nine again.
  1350.  
  1351. He takes a STEP forward.
  1352.  
  1353. PEASY (CONT'D)
  1354. Ow! You want to get some gelato?
  1355. They won't even look for us in
  1356. there.
  1357.  
  1358. DICK
  1359. I just want to get back to a
  1360. civilized country.
  1361.  
  1362. They WALK away from the hotel.
  1363.  
  1364. DICK (CONT'D)
  1365. You know, Peasy, if I said
  1366. something that bothered you, all
  1367. you needed to do was tell me.
  1368.  
  1369. Peasy STOPS.
  1370.  
  1371. PEASY
  1372. You're blaming the victim!
  1373.  
  1374. Dick STOPS walking.
  1375.  
  1376. DICK
  1377. No I'm not.
  1378.  
  1379. PEASY
  1380. Oh. It worked when they said it to
  1381. me.
  1382.  
  1383. They WALK on again.
  1384.  
  1385. DICK
  1386. I know it did. Pussy.
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