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Schizo ramblings: I have no better tittle for this madness

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Oct 29th, 2021
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  1. My consciousness returned to me as my gaze remained closed upon itself. Darkness. Stillness. My body had not yet returned to my control as my mind had. I could not move my arms nor stir from where I laid, even my eye lids were felt too heavy for me. They had become an unyielding bastion, one I had no hope of submitting to my will. Words rang through my ears, though I could not understand their meaning, I could just feel their melody. A song that could have been familiar became a different language as I had still not returned to the waken world in my entirety. It infested my mind with a nostalgic feeling that I had never quite experienced before.
  3. Shuffling. Gasping. The sensation of weight moving, shifting. Its balance changing around me. I did not know what it was, nor did my half-light mind care. All I was concerned about was the immediate feeling. The touch of something upon me that flared my skin as it traced upon it. A strange thing, warmth emanating from it, but ever changing on its texture. My skin unable to decipher what it was seeing with the skin’s eye. Was it soft? Was it hard? Was it fur? Was it skin? It was neither and all. It just “felt”, it was something replacing the void that returned as it left me, breaking contact with my surface and returning an uncomfortable cold.
  5. I spoke. Words unborn left my lips, saying nothing at all. A sound, a mumble, a groan. No meaning behind it other than the wish to communicate something I had yet to decide. My body fighting against me as I wrestle control of it from the slumber that stole myself from me. As I regain control of my throat my lips parted, allowing me to breathe, or at the very least, feel the air that I consumed. Little by little I redoubled my efforts to regain control of my lost territory. While the eye lids were still out of my reach, I regained control of my eyes. No longer did I gaze upon the pure darkness that protected me, but instead, I was assaulted by the penetrating strike of light coming from outside my unresponsive body. I could see it shifting, like the weight once upon me. Something making the light dance, covering me from it and then letting go, creating a spectacle of dancing sparkles of luminosity. Each one its own sun, a performance so fleeting that I forget each movement as It changes place.
  7. Forget. I now remember, I forget. I remember that I can, and that I have. It’s no longer shapeless light what I perceive, but a room. A room I do not recognize, but feel familiar all the same. A room I had once knew, but I forgot about. And so a thought came to me, the first coherent idea forming like a diamond, its value the same. A river diamond running from my mind to my lips, forming my first word. “Where?” Upon its inflection I could feel the world move around me, and my perception slowly returning alongside it. “Where am I?” I finished the thought, becoming aware that there was someone capable of hearing it. The melody that once accompany me had stopped as I had uttered those words. Words had returned after a second respite, but once again I was unable to understand what lied behind their meaning, language itself still not under my control. Yet feeling I understood. While meaning was lost, it still communicated their intent, I could still feel the steel of its intention. Worry. Comfort. A surrendering peace, that offered tranquility as much as it demanded it from me.
  9. Finally, my eye sight was returned to me as my lids lifted themselves like fortress’ gates. With the castle open for me once more, I was able to gaze upon the world that enveloped me, and with the creak of bones and muscles, my neck was able to shift towards the source of the melody that heard me. And upon such a monumental feat of strength I was rewarded with gold. Gold and a gaze. Eyes bright as the dancing suns with the color of treasures focused on me as much as mine focused on them. Them. All of them. The more I looked upon them the more I found. More and more of those golden coins looking straight at me. Unblinkingly staring at me as mine buckled and felt closed and open again. How deep were those eyes? How much time did I spend looking straight at them, falling into them like a gate to a world I had only glimpsed on dreams. I could do nothing but stare, they entranced my everything, I could feel them upon me, I could hear them scanning my depts. Hear. I heard a voice, talking to me again, singing to me again, but I saw lips unmoving, their purple shine staying still in a polite smile of marble. An expression as unmoving as a beloved statue, a painting who’s stare never leaves you. I could hear her voice despite not being able to see her utterances, but despite my returning awareness I was still unable to absorb their significance. Absorb. I could see her body shifting, absorbing itself like a flowing river and then gushing out into itself while remaining still. I could feel her weight with my eyes, the texture of her skin being whispered into the surface of my fingers.
  11. My eyes were fully open now, I could not know how much time I had spent looking at her, but once I tried rising from my still laying position the foreign weight made itself present once again on my body. For the first time in an age I broke contact with her to look upon myself again, yet I could see nothing holding me back, I could see not what was weighting me down, what was keeping me locked down in place. Once I peered back into those eyes I found them closer to me. Her expression was still the same, not a muscle had changed, yet it regarded me from afar no longer. As her body dragged to my side I could understand what she wasn’t saying. I could feel what I was not looking. I could remember that I had forgotten. What had I forgotten?
  13. My inquisitiveness had finally awaken with the rest of my lethargic self. I was ignorant of my current whereabouts, but what else had I not known. The how I came to be here is a mystery to me, but maybe that which watches me is the answer. The woman besides me, while gentle in her figure and calming with her presence, is still alien to my mind. I do not know her, or have I simply forgotten her too? What about myself? Do I remember who I am? Is there a part of me that has left me which I am not able to recall? I ask myself as the mountain of gold comforts me with its gaze.
  15. Do I need to recall? I told myself with a voice that was not mine. Does it matter if forget? I remember telling myself long ago in a time and place I had no memory of. Do I need to see more than what I am looking right now? My voice came out of the eyes that held mine. Did I even need to see? My eyelids told me while falling under their own weight. Do I even need anything else, besides the dancing lights coming to me across my closed sight? No, I don’t need those things, I heard someone else tell me from myself. And so I heard them without complain, accepting what the show of lights showed me, what the song I didn’t know had returned push me towards. I relaxed. My body relaxed. Once again movement became a task so arduous that no amount of effort could overcome. Soon, I knew, thought would become the same, a herculean task so grand that left me no choice but to drift into the gentle darkness once again. Yet against all odds, against all the weight that pushed me down into the warm embrace of the forgotten land, I gave out a last action of defiance. A last goodbye. A last gift. With the last of my strength, I moved my muscles, I shifted my skin, I curbed my lips, and departed to the beyond with a smile on my lips, small, insignificant, but pure in its joy and marble like gentleness.
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