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- > Be Anon, poniceman
- > You figured you'd be better suited to handling the criminal element than all these marshmallow ponies
- > You were right, but you forgot two things:
- > You are a stallion
- > The criminals are marshmallow ponies too
- > So here you are, stuck behind a desk while your fellow officers risk noogies and skinned knees
- > They only come to you when
- "Oh hey, chief. What's up?"
- > Gruff Puff looks grim
- > "The bad pony who stole the ambassador's teddy bear won't talk. The ambassador hasn't had beddy bye for two nights."
- > She places a hoof on your shoulder, you can see how much she hates asking this of you
- > "Could you persuade the bad pony to cooperate?"
- > You do your best to keep a straight face
- "I'll handle it, chief."
- > Gruff Puff gives a firm nod, then strides away
- > You make your way down to Firmly Asked Questions, stretching your arms to get you ready
- > The few ponicemares you pass give you sympathetic looks
- > You open the door to the hard chair room, and a roguish mare looks you over
- > You return the favor as you sit across the small tea set from her
- > Earth pony, grey coat, her black mane cropped at the jaw
- > She smirks
- > "You have the wrong mare, Sweetflanks. Unless you have plans for me after you let me go?"
- > You just give her a flat stare
- > The smirk begins to falter
- > You methodically move the tea set onto the floor, piece by piece, letting the clatter sound in the small room
- > She watches you warily, uncertain
- > Once the table is clear, you stand up
- > The mare gets to her hooves too, tensing
- > It doesn't matter, you're quicker
- > You lean across and snatch her up into your arms, cradling her on her back
- > "H-hey! What do you think you're doing?"
- > You bring her face close to yours, muddling her mind with your breath and scent
- > At last you speak
- "I'm disappointed, little filly."
- > Her eyes go wide, her struggling limbs slowing
- > You frown deeply
- "I thought I raised you better than this."
- > "Wha-"
- "DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, FILLY!"
- > She freezes, assaulted by the raw force of your paternal presence
- > "Y-yes papa."
- > You begin rocking her gently
- "I know you're not a bad filly."
- > You stroke some of her mane out of the way, gazing into her teary eyes
- "You just made a mistake, that's all. Now, why don't you tell me where you hid the colt's teddy, and then we can get you some ice cream?"
- > She sniffles
- > "Really?"
- > You nuzzle her a little
- "Really."
- > She spills the beans and you send a mare to retrieve the teddy
- > Then you guide the shell shocked thief to the department ice cream machine and keep your word
- > After that, Gruff Puff gives her a stern talking to, and sees her to the door
- > The thief looks over her shoulder at you, blushing in embarrassment
- > "W-would it be alright if we talked again?"
- > You give her a smile
- "Sure, just make an appointment with the front desk."
- > She smiles then
- > "Thanks! I'll be good now."
- > You give her a wave, then return to the office
- > Gruff Puff walks beside you, eyeing you worriedly
- > "You can take the rest of the day off, if you like. FAQ always takes a lot out of me, I can't imagine what it's like for a stallion like you."
- > You ruffle her mane, a little irritated by the consideration
- "I'll be fine, and I'd hate to let the paperwork pile up too much."
- > She unscrunches
- > "Right, well. I know I've said it before, but the department's lucky to have a stallion like you on the force."
- > You grin
- "You just like staring at my butt."
- > Gruff Puff hits you on the arm, hitting like a marshmallow bouncing off a side of beef
- > "I'm far too old for frisky colts like you. If you aren't going home, then get to work."
- "Aye Aye chief."
- > She nods and retreats to her office
- > Just another day on the job
- > Be Anon, poniceman
- > It finally happened!
- > Your campaign of suggestion, mild seduction, and the casual mention of a concern about your weight has finally paid off
- > You're on patrol!
- > Admittedly in the quietist part of the city, with two mare officers accompanying you, but that's not important
- > It feels good to walk around in your uniform, stretching your legs, keeping a watchful eye out for crime
- > The citizens you pass look at you with respect, deferentially looking down and blushing when you greet them casually
- > A weather team pushes some clouds over the central park, a few of the mares gesturing towards you
- > "Hey tripod! Trot for us!
- > They laugh raucously
- > Downy Draft fluffs up angrily, her wings rustling
- "What's up?"
- > The pegasus ponice officer scowls
- > "Ponies like that give us pegasi a bad name."
- > You tilt your head
- "Reckon we should do something about that?"
- > Downy grins
- > "Be my guest."
- > Point Hexter gives you an unimpressed look, but doesn't say anything
- > That's one stoic unicorn
- > You turn towards the weather team and get serious
- "Hey! You three, get down here!"
- > The catcallers glance at each other and shrug
- > They swoop down and land about five feet away
- > The lead mare is gazing in what you have come to recognize as the crotchward direction
- > "Can we help you, officer?"
- > You snap your fingers loudly, directing their gaze upward
- > Then you pour on the scowl
- > Ponies aren't great at shows of displeasure, but they're used to being scrunched at from time to time
- > That's not what you're doing
- > Your forehead wrinkles, your frown deepens, you start a low rumble in the back of your throat
- > All five mares' eyes shrink to pinpricks
- > You bare your teeth in a silent snarl
- "I thought Manehatten weather teams were the best in Equestria. I thought they were professional, hard working mares."
- > One of the catcaller's wings slowly extend, her face reddening
- > Just
- > Ignore that
- "I better not hear about this again, understand?"
- > They nod once, then flee
- > Downy exhales shakily
- > "Tarturus, Anon, remind me never to make you angry."
- "Whaaaat? Why would you ever worry about angering a harmless little stallion like me?"
- > Point Hexter snorts
- > "You are neither little nor harmless, officer Anonymous. Frankly, I am beginning to doubt whether or not you are even a stallion."
- > You rock back in mock pain
- "Whoa, sick burns from officer cold shoulder!"
- > She gives you a flat look as Downy giggles
- > "My name is Point Hexter. Enough of this, we have a beat to patrol. I suggest we do so."
- "Good point, Hexter. I'll try to reign in my shenanigans."
- > She nods sternly and takes the lead position
- > You fall into step with Downy
- > The pegasus beckons you closer with a wing, glancing at the unicorn
- > You lean down so she can whisper
- > "Don't worry, she's just being a hardflank because she doesn't swing your way. Normally she's much nicer."
- > You look speculatively at Point Hexter
- "Doesn't that also mean that she likes you? Like, like like?"
- > Point Hexter glares at you over her shoulder, her face reddening
- > "That is none of your business."
- > You hold up your hands in surrender
- > Downy Draft grins
- > "He's going to hear about from somepony. Pointy and I...we have a somewhat special arrangement. We won't herd, even though I am bi."
- > You shrug
- "Sounds reasonable."
- > Hexter stops and jabs a hoof out at you
- > "See? Even he thinks so!"
- > Downy ruffles her wings in a pegasusy shrug
- > "I wasn't raised as liberally as you two. Doesn't feel like a herd unless there's a stallion to take care of the foals. I still love you, pokeymuffin."
- > Hexter blushes furiously, then does an about face
- > "Th-that's enough talking, everypony. We're on duty, let's act like it."
- > You throw a mock salute
- "Yes ma'am!"
- > Downy smiles, and the three of you continue
- > Point Sexter had mostly gotten back to normal by the time the patrol found a stallion staring fretfully up into a densely limbed tree
- > Hexter glances significantly at you and Downy, then leads the way over
- > "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
- > The stallion paws nervously at the ground
- > "My foal is up there! Please, get him before he falls!"
- > Sounds like a job for officer monkey
- "He'll be down in a jiffy, sir."
- > "Anon-"
- > You scramble up the trunk, focused on the little colt up in the branches
- > You make it a few more feet before the little guy starts glowing and drifting down past you
- > You look down to see Point Hexter smirk at you, the colt soon reunited with his father
- > Laugh it up, fuzzball
- > When you make it back down, the two males had already wandered off
- > Hexter clears her throat
- > "I realise you want to be a powerful, self-reliant stallion that does not require the assistance of any mare, but we are on a patrol for a reason. I recognize the brutish strength of your monkey race, please do the same for my magic and Downy's flight."
- > You glance sidelong at Downy
- "Your marefriend has a sharp tongue."
- > "Well,"
- "I like it! At any rate, I apologize Point Hexter, I will strive to be more aware of the individual strengths of this team, and my place in that."
- > The unicorn gives you a rare smile
- > "See that you do. Shall we go on?"
- > The rest of the day passes in a golden blur of small favors and the stern lecture
- > When you get back to the station, Gruff Puff is waiting for you
- > Point Hexter steps forward
- > "I am glad to report that officer Anonymous has successfully integrated into our patrol. We would have no objections if this would become his permanent assignment."
- > Gruff nods, not too surprised
- > "Good, good. I do have one question, though."
- > Hexter looks attentively
- > Gruff Puff pulls out a hoofwritten letter
- > "Why do I have a written apology from the major of the the weather team for her actions towards a stallion officer?"
- > ...
- "Wait, that was the major of the whole-"
- > Downy breaks down giggling
- > You round on her
- "You knew!"
- > The pegasus gasps for air
- > "It was priceless! She'll never live down getting tongue-lashed by a rookie ponicestallion!"
- > Point Hexter is smirking at you again
- > Gruff Puff is coughing suspiciously into her hoof
- > You raise your hands imploringly to the uncaring ponicestation ceiling
- "Mares!"
- > Hexter grins
- > "And now you finally act like a true stallion."
- > You stalk off to your desk while the three collapse in laughter
- > You have a job to do, and not even the mockery of lesbians and a cougar will keep you from it
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