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Anon the Poniceman (RGRE) (Humor)

Apr 14th, 2016
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  1. > Be Anon, poniceman
  2. > You figured you'd be better suited to handling the criminal element than all these marshmallow ponies
  3. > You were right, but you forgot two things:
  4. > You are a stallion
  5. > The criminals are marshmallow ponies too
  6. > So here you are, stuck behind a desk while your fellow officers risk noogies and skinned knees
  7. > They only come to you when
  8. "Oh hey, chief. What's up?"
  9. > Gruff Puff looks grim
  10. > "The bad pony who stole the ambassador's teddy bear won't talk. The ambassador hasn't had beddy bye for two nights."
  11. > She places a hoof on your shoulder, you can see how much she hates asking this of you
  12. > "Could you persuade the bad pony to cooperate?"
  13. > You do your best to keep a straight face
  14. "I'll handle it, chief."
  15. > Gruff Puff gives a firm nod, then strides away
  16. > You make your way down to Firmly Asked Questions, stretching your arms to get you ready
  17. > The few ponicemares you pass give you sympathetic looks
  18. > You open the door to the hard chair room, and a roguish mare looks you over
  19. > You return the favor as you sit across the small tea set from her
  20. > Earth pony, grey coat, her black mane cropped at the jaw
  21. > She smirks
  22. > "You have the wrong mare, Sweetflanks. Unless you have plans for me after you let me go?"
  23. > You just give her a flat stare
  24. > The smirk begins to falter
  25. > You methodically move the tea set onto the floor, piece by piece, letting the clatter sound in the small room
  26. > She watches you warily, uncertain
  27. > Once the table is clear, you stand up
  28. > The mare gets to her hooves too, tensing
  29. > It doesn't matter, you're quicker
  30. > You lean across and snatch her up into your arms, cradling her on her back
  31. > "H-hey! What do you think you're doing?"
  32. > You bring her face close to yours, muddling her mind with your breath and scent
  33. > At last you speak
  34. "I'm disappointed, little filly."
  35. > Her eyes go wide, her struggling limbs slowing
  36. > You frown deeply
  37. "I thought I raised you better than this."
  38. > "Wha-"
  39. "DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, FILLY!"
  40. > She freezes, assaulted by the raw force of your paternal presence
  41. > "Y-yes papa."
  42. > You begin rocking her gently
  43. "I know you're not a bad filly."
  44. > You stroke some of her mane out of the way, gazing into her teary eyes
  45. "You just made a mistake, that's all. Now, why don't you tell me where you hid the colt's teddy, and then we can get you some ice cream?"
  46. > She sniffles
  47. > "Really?"
  48. > You nuzzle her a little
  49. "Really."
  50. > She spills the beans and you send a mare to retrieve the teddy
  51. > Then you guide the shell shocked thief to the department ice cream machine and keep your word
  52. > After that, Gruff Puff gives her a stern talking to, and sees her to the door
  53. > The thief looks over her shoulder at you, blushing in embarrassment
  54. > "W-would it be alright if we talked again?"
  55. > You give her a smile
  56. "Sure, just make an appointment with the front desk."
  57. > She smiles then
  58. > "Thanks! I'll be good now."
  59. > You give her a wave, then return to the office
  60. > Gruff Puff walks beside you, eyeing you worriedly
  61. > "You can take the rest of the day off, if you like. FAQ always takes a lot out of me, I can't imagine what it's like for a stallion like you."
  62. > You ruffle her mane, a little irritated by the consideration
  63. "I'll be fine, and I'd hate to let the paperwork pile up too much."
  64. > She unscrunches
  65. > "Right, well. I know I've said it before, but the department's lucky to have a stallion like you on the force."
  66. > You grin
  67. "You just like staring at my butt."
  68. > Gruff Puff hits you on the arm, hitting like a marshmallow bouncing off a side of beef
  69. > "I'm far too old for frisky colts like you. If you aren't going home, then get to work."
  70. "Aye Aye chief."
  71. > She nods and retreats to her office
  72. > Just another day on the job
  73.  
  74.  
  75. > Be Anon, poniceman
  76. > It finally happened!
  77. > Your campaign of suggestion, mild seduction, and the casual mention of a concern about your weight has finally paid off
  78. > You're on patrol!
  79. > Admittedly in the quietist part of the city, with two mare officers accompanying you, but that's not important
  80. > It feels good to walk around in your uniform, stretching your legs, keeping a watchful eye out for crime
  81. > The citizens you pass look at you with respect, deferentially looking down and blushing when you greet them casually
  82. > A weather team pushes some clouds over the central park, a few of the mares gesturing towards you
  83. > "Hey tripod! Trot for us!
  84. > They laugh raucously
  85. > Downy Draft fluffs up angrily, her wings rustling
  86. "What's up?"
  87. > The pegasus ponice officer scowls
  88. > "Ponies like that give us pegasi a bad name."
  89. > You tilt your head
  90. "Reckon we should do something about that?"
  91. > Downy grins
  92. > "Be my guest."
  93. > Point Hexter gives you an unimpressed look, but doesn't say anything
  94. > That's one stoic unicorn
  95. > You turn towards the weather team and get serious
  96. "Hey! You three, get down here!"
  97. > The catcallers glance at each other and shrug
  98. > They swoop down and land about five feet away
  99. > The lead mare is gazing in what you have come to recognize as the crotchward direction
  100. > "Can we help you, officer?"
  101. > You snap your fingers loudly, directing their gaze upward
  102. > Then you pour on the scowl
  103. > Ponies aren't great at shows of displeasure, but they're used to being scrunched at from time to time
  104. > That's not what you're doing
  105. > Your forehead wrinkles, your frown deepens, you start a low rumble in the back of your throat
  106. > All five mares' eyes shrink to pinpricks
  107. > You bare your teeth in a silent snarl
  108. "I thought Manehatten weather teams were the best in Equestria. I thought they were professional, hard working mares."
  109. > One of the catcaller's wings slowly extend, her face reddening
  110. > Just
  111. > Ignore that
  112. "I better not hear about this again, understand?"
  113. > They nod once, then flee
  114. > Downy exhales shakily
  115. > "Tarturus, Anon, remind me never to make you angry."
  116. "Whaaaat? Why would you ever worry about angering a harmless little stallion like me?"
  117. > Point Hexter snorts
  118. > "You are neither little nor harmless, officer Anonymous. Frankly, I am beginning to doubt whether or not you are even a stallion."
  119. > You rock back in mock pain
  120. "Whoa, sick burns from officer cold shoulder!"
  121. > She gives you a flat look as Downy giggles
  122. > "My name is Point Hexter. Enough of this, we have a beat to patrol. I suggest we do so."
  123. "Good point, Hexter. I'll try to reign in my shenanigans."
  124. > She nods sternly and takes the lead position
  125. > You fall into step with Downy
  126. > The pegasus beckons you closer with a wing, glancing at the unicorn
  127. > You lean down so she can whisper
  128. > "Don't worry, she's just being a hardflank because she doesn't swing your way. Normally she's much nicer."
  129. > You look speculatively at Point Hexter
  130. "Doesn't that also mean that she likes you? Like, like like?"
  131. > Point Hexter glares at you over her shoulder, her face reddening
  132. > "That is none of your business."
  133. > You hold up your hands in surrender
  134. > Downy Draft grins
  135. > "He's going to hear about from somepony. Pointy and I...we have a somewhat special arrangement. We won't herd, even though I am bi."
  136. > You shrug
  137. "Sounds reasonable."
  138. > Hexter stops and jabs a hoof out at you
  139. > "See? Even he thinks so!"
  140. > Downy ruffles her wings in a pegasusy shrug
  141. > "I wasn't raised as liberally as you two. Doesn't feel like a herd unless there's a stallion to take care of the foals. I still love you, pokeymuffin."
  142. > Hexter blushes furiously, then does an about face
  143. > "Th-that's enough talking, everypony. We're on duty, let's act like it."
  144. > You throw a mock salute
  145. "Yes ma'am!"
  146. > Downy smiles, and the three of you continue
  147.  
  148. > Point Sexter had mostly gotten back to normal by the time the patrol found a stallion staring fretfully up into a densely limbed tree
  149. > Hexter glances significantly at you and Downy, then leads the way over
  150. > "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
  151. > The stallion paws nervously at the ground
  152. > "My foal is up there! Please, get him before he falls!"
  153. > Sounds like a job for officer monkey
  154. "He'll be down in a jiffy, sir."
  155. > "Anon-"
  156. > You scramble up the trunk, focused on the little colt up in the branches
  157. > You make it a few more feet before the little guy starts glowing and drifting down past you
  158. > You look down to see Point Hexter smirk at you, the colt soon reunited with his father
  159. > Laugh it up, fuzzball
  160. > When you make it back down, the two males had already wandered off
  161. > Hexter clears her throat
  162. > "I realise you want to be a powerful, self-reliant stallion that does not require the assistance of any mare, but we are on a patrol for a reason. I recognize the brutish strength of your monkey race, please do the same for my magic and Downy's flight."
  163. > You glance sidelong at Downy
  164. "Your marefriend has a sharp tongue."
  165. > "Well,"
  166. "I like it! At any rate, I apologize Point Hexter, I will strive to be more aware of the individual strengths of this team, and my place in that."
  167. > The unicorn gives you a rare smile
  168. > "See that you do. Shall we go on?"
  169.  
  170. > The rest of the day passes in a golden blur of small favors and the stern lecture
  171. > When you get back to the station, Gruff Puff is waiting for you
  172. > Point Hexter steps forward
  173. > "I am glad to report that officer Anonymous has successfully integrated into our patrol. We would have no objections if this would become his permanent assignment."
  174. > Gruff nods, not too surprised
  175. > "Good, good. I do have one question, though."
  176. > Hexter looks attentively
  177. > Gruff Puff pulls out a hoofwritten letter
  178. > "Why do I have a written apology from the major of the the weather team for her actions towards a stallion officer?"
  179. > ...
  180. "Wait, that was the major of the whole-"
  181. > Downy breaks down giggling
  182. > You round on her
  183. "You knew!"
  184. > The pegasus gasps for air
  185. > "It was priceless! She'll never live down getting tongue-lashed by a rookie ponicestallion!"
  186. > Point Hexter is smirking at you again
  187. > Gruff Puff is coughing suspiciously into her hoof
  188. > You raise your hands imploringly to the uncaring ponicestation ceiling
  189. "Mares!"
  190. > Hexter grins
  191. > "And now you finally act like a true stallion."
  192. > You stalk off to your desk while the three collapse in laughter
  193. > You have a job to do, and not even the mockery of lesbians and a cougar will keep you from it
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