12 oz Mouse script: S1E04_Spider

Episode 4: "Spider"
trans: John W Sandwich (Chris Crisman-Cox)


int. Mouse's house. The phone rings. Zoom out to show that Spider is standing in the room. Mouse picks up the phone.
MOUSE: Hello?

int. Shark's house. Shark is wearing a robe.
SHARK: Hey, it's me, your buddy. How are ya?

int. Mouse's house
MOUSE: I couldn't be... busier.
SHARK: Doing what?
MOUSE: I'm... I'm on this phone.

int. Shark's house
SHARK: That's fair. I'll call you back when you're not on the phone...

int. Mouse's house
SHARK(cont'd): Um, when will you be not on the phone?
MOUSE: I'm not on the phone. I'm talking to the phone.
SHARK: That works. (hangs up)
Phone rings. Mouse answers.

int. Shark's house
SHARK: Hey, it's uh, it's me again. Are you, are you not on the phone, still?

int. Mouse's house
MOUSE: No.
SHARK: Is that a yes?
MOUSE: It is? Then yes.

int. Shark's house.
SHARK: If I were you, I would not check my ice box.

int. Mouse's house. Mouse is walking towards the ice box.
SHARK (cont'd): Wouldn't check yours, either.
Mouse opens the ice box. A cold phone is inside. It rings.
SHARK: What's in there in the icebox? Get on your little tiny mousey tiptoes.

int Shark's house
SHARK: Tell me what's in the icebox.

int. Mouse's house, close-up on the phone
SHARK: Hello? Mouse?
Zoom out. Spider writhes his legs and spins an arrow into the web that already surrounds him.

int. Rhoda's bar
RHODA: Heh, you know word is, and I'm not saying that this is what I think, know, or have heard to be true, seriously, but Liquor said that Mouse
RHODA(cont'd): is up to his cans.
EYE: WEYEeird.
RHODA: Yeah, and not only that, but New Guy, heard he got out, right? Like someone got him out. And he got a thing for squirrels.
RHODA(cont'd): I'm not talking as though he's cheesy green up on 'em. I'm saying more like... Equadorian sleep, if you get the picture.
EYE: Pic-ture.
RHODA: Oh, and another thing. Roostre, you know Roostre? Up on the farm guy? All right. Well Liquor also says that a letter
RHODA(cont'd): accidentally got delivered to him, but before he could open it - BOOM! - just like that, clock shows up. Next thing he remembers, it's day 97.
Jetcar crashes into the bar.
MOUSE: What's up, GAs?
RHODA: N-nothing.
EYE: EYE saw you crash.
MOUSE: I'm sure that you did, cause you seem to see everything.
EYE: EYEfirmative.
MOUSE: I see, you see, you mean we. Come with me, and fly away. But first-

int. Shark's office
SHARK: Set up the cameras.
BUG: (beeps)
SHARK: No, the 50 mm - yes, the only ones we have - the hidden ones.
BUG: (beeps)
SHARK: Uh... I'm still lookin at you not setting up the cameras. And, you know, just planning my day. How long do you think I'll be watching you not do what I told you to do?
BUG: (beeps)

ext. Forest. Mouse and Eye are riding in the jetcar.
EYE: You kill trees.
MOUSE: Shut up.
EYE: Trees make oxEYEgen.
MOUSE: Up yours.
EYE: I breathe it; you breathe it.
MOUSE: I shut up; you shut up.

int. New Guy's house.
Skillet is still tied up, but New Guy is asleep. Skillet uses his laser eyes to break free, and then leaves New Guy's house via his rocket feet.

int. Mouse's house.
MOUSE: See it?
EYE: EYE see NEYEgh.
MOUSE: It was right F'n here. Where the F is it? It was a, it was an F'n arrow,

Cut to a shot of the room as seen from one of Shark's cameras.
MOUSE (cont'd): and it was right the F here.
EYE: Uh huh. EYE hungrEYE.

Cut away from view of Shark's camera.
MOUSE: Good. That means you're leaving.
EYE: That will happen... now. (jumps out the window)
Mouse shoots the place up, trying to destroy all the cameras in the room.

Cut back to the view of Shark's camera. Fitz continues shooting and then shoots the camera through which we're looking.
Cut to static. Shark and Clock are vaguely visible behind the static.
SHARK: Well.

int. Shark's observation room
SHARK(cont'd): The litte guy's cameraphobic. Should've known.

int. Mouse's house
MOUSE: What are these; these... are formulas, or.. these papers. These papers are driving me crazy. Crazy into the night.

There's a knock at the door. It's Skillet.

MOUSE: Skillet, you're back.
SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: Where've you been?
SKILLET: (Screeches)
MOUSE: Wow, tell me about the nightmare.
SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: Holy shee-

int. Rhoda's bar
RHODA: Go-damn. (laughs uneasily) Shark!
SHARK: What's new, Rhoda?
RHODA: Uhh... nothing, um... sir.
SHARK: Drink.

Rhoda slams a bottle of beer on the table.

SHARK: You know, uh, I'm a shark.
RHODA: Uh... thank you.
SHARK: I attack when I'm hungry. It's instinctual. You know?
RHODA: Yeah, mmhmm. Th-thank you.
SHARK: It's like one minute I'm just hanging out watching lemmings go by, lemmings who might need money, probably not, but you never know.
SHARK(cont'd): Part of me just says, "Hey, whatever." And then something goes off in my brain, and sends an impulse to my jaw, and bam!
SHARK(cont'd): A thousand pounds of pressure lock in like a press. You know what I mean?
RHODA: I, I know what you mean. And, and... thank you.
SHARK: I mean a head your size would burst like an infected kidney, and all I'd remember was how warm the juices were that lapped the back of my uvula on their trip down to stomach land.
RHODA: Yes, sir.
SHARK: But we're friends, right? We know each other. We know what we do, and who we talk to, and what we say to them.
RHODA: We do.
SHARK: I knew we did.
Golden Joe appears.
JOE: Check out, momma. Slap me a s-
Golden Joe sees Shark, and then disappears.
SHARK: Now let's talk about the letter that Liquor got.

int. Mouse's house
SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: well, that sounds like he was a good dancer, but yet...
Clock appears and gasses the room.
SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: These papers are... suddenly useless, and now I must burn them. For a reason that... I don't know. (lights the papers on fire)
SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: I'm getting an idea from your yelling mouth, your so yelling mouth.

ext. Music Void (a music store) at night. Mouse and Skillet, in the jetcar, crash in front of the store.
MOUSE: We're gonna be rockstars. But first, we must burgle. (throws Skillet through the door, causing an alarm to go off)

int. Music Void
MOUSE: Oh, there's a pretty amp.
Mouse and Skillet start playing "F-Off to You." Enter Peanut Cop.
COP: Uh, what song was that? Because it totally rocks. Mmm, mmm, mmm-mmm. Ro-ock and ro-ollll.
MOUSE: It's called "F-Off... to You." So take a hint.
COP: No way! That is... huh... a great song. But uh, huh, hmmm, I'm here... because um, did uh, somebody break in here?
MOUSE: Well, it waasn't us.
Mouse and Skillet go back to playing "F-Off to You."

Cut to ext. Music Void. Producer Man walks in.

int. Music Void. Mouse and Skillet are still playing.
PRODUCER: Hey! Fellas! Stop, stop it! Why that there is a mean beat, I'm telling ya.
MOUSE: It is?
PRODUCER: Yeeeeah, it is. It'd sound great on my record label. In fact, it should already be on it. Where are we at on that?
MOUSE: You have a record label. For... records?
PRODUCER: Yeeeah, I do. Up top! Come on, let's tour.
COP: Hold it, hold it, dude.
PRODUCER: Hold it yourself, pops. Haha! Zinger!
COP: Are you the one, who broke in here now?
PRODUCER: Nyet, kid! I never have to break in when I am in ma-nihm [or "the nihm"]. You know what I'm saying?
COP: Um, no.
PRODUCER: My head!

Producer Man's head is sliced off mysteriously, causing blood to gush everywhere.

COP: Woah! Is that ice cream? (He's sprayed with blood) Awesome.

ext. Liquor's shop

LIQUOR: Dear dad, I have spent over 10 years and $94,000 putting together my mosquito costume,

Transition from exterior to interior of Liquor's shop.

LIQUOR(cont'd): and now I am pleased to announce that I have... become a mosquito. My costume is quite realistic, and I have even attached bladders to
LIQUOR(cont'd): the nose things, so I can suck up liquids when I puncture them... with my nose thing. I could be buzzing all around you on a hot
LIQUOR(cont'd): summer day, and you wouldn't even recognize me as your son-child. You would just think, "Get away, mosquito."
LIQUOR(cont'd): From my point of view, you would be 3,000 dads because of the way I've designed the eyeballs. I'd be saying, "Dad, it's me. Dad it's me,"
LIQUOR(cont'd): but you wouldn't be able to understand my language because of its buzzing. I am also into plastics now, and I am making plastic tubes
LIQUOR(cont'd): that you can suck liquids through, kind of like my mosquito nose, but used for different reasons. Hope you're doing well at camp.
LIQUOR(cont'd): See you soon, Mos, Mosq, Mosquito, Mosquitor? Mosqui, Mosquithing... I don't know who that is.

ext. Shark's office. Mouse is holding a CD.
SHARK: What's this?
MOUSE: My new record. It's called, um, F-Off.
SHARK: Is it good?
MOUSE: Mmhmm.
SHARK: So you've been making records?
MOUSE: No.
SHARK: Cause, uh, I've always kinda wanted to be in a band.
MOUSE: No way. What do you play?
SHARK: I play, uh, I play with minds. Shhhhh.... Go home and think about that. Uh, and don't look under your bed.

ext. The City. Mouse is driving the jetcar, and Skillet is playing drums in the back. Skillet plays a drum solo.

int. Pronto's house. Pan slowly to the shower.

int. Mouse's house. The phone rings.

MOUSE: Heylo?
SHARK: Did you find my record?

Zoom out to show a severed hand on the floor.

SHARK: You found it, didn't you? Now spin it.