vent session

Wanted to make a #pastebinmonday, but couldn't quite find the words.

The gist is, sometimes it feels like no matter how much I put into speedrunning, I'll always be on the outside of this community looking in...

I want to post my goal times, feelings on progress, share stream plans. Talk about what I want to do next - how appreciative I am of bit/sub donations and what I plan to do with that if Twitch ever pays it out.

But I just can't shake the nagging feeling that *I'm just not good enough.* And I hate that. I've told so many others: "don't fall into that trap, don't worry what others think of you," and "don't compare yourself to others" or measure yourselves by your times. Don't think you need a top time or to get into a top marathon to justify your existence. That you need the approval of *the best players.*

But here I am, feeling that exact way. I don't like the hypocrisy of it, I don't like the trap I've fallen into with this thinking. But here I am all the same. Feeling that my accomplishments don't matter, and won't matter. That I'm an afterthought, and a joke.

Nothing really even caused this for me. Nobody did anything to me, or said anything to me. It's just my own dang insecurity stirring up again, and it really doesn't need to be. Stirs up, too frequently, really.

And it feels really selfish, but I want people to get excited for me! I want to share my goals! I want to talk about my AGDQ submission plans, how I think I've got a good shot this time, and more. But I keep on believing lies and listening to insecurity. I see people doing this for each other, and I get jealous. Which is so unbelievably dumb.

I guess it turned into a pastebin after all. A vent session, but a pastebin all the same.