Loud Krazy Love (2018)

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Thank you,
motherfuckers, so much!

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Fieldy and Head
from the band Korn

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whose album Issues
hits stores today.

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And the winner is...

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Korn, "Freak On A Leash."

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I'd like to thank
this band right here,

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the hardest workin' band
in rock and roll.

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The band is named Korn

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and they are celebrating
in New England.

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I wanted to mention one thing

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before we get too much farther
into the show.

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Korn rules.

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I'm Kurt Loder with MTV News
this hour with Chris Rock

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on the late comic Phil Hartman.

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First though,
there's a baby boom of sorts

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going on in the music world
at the moment.

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Korn has had to cancel
this Saturday's Ozzfest date

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in England in order to allow
guitarist Brian Welch

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to jet back to the States
to be with his wife

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who is due to give birth
imminently.

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And there's the inevitable...

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The day Jennea was born

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was, like, the most euphoric...

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miraculous unconditional love,

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like total...

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purity in the room.

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But...

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I think deep down inside of me,
I knew I was incapable...

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of being what she needed
and deserved.

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"Man on Fire" by Edward Sharpe
and the Magnetic Zeros

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♪ I'm a man on fire ♪

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♪ Walking through your street ♪

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♪ With one guitar ♪

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♪ And two dancing feet ♪

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♪ Only one desire ♪

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♪ That's left in me ♪

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♪ I want the whole damn world ♪

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♪ To come dance with me ♪

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♪ Oh ♪

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♪ Come dance with me ♪

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♪ Over murder and pain ♪

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♪ Come and set you free ♪

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♪ Over heartache and shame ♪

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♪ I wanna see
our bodies burning ♪

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♪ Like the old big sun ♪

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♪ I wanna know
what we've been learning ♪

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♪ And learning from ♪

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♪ Everybody want safety ♪

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♪ Safety love ♪

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♪ Everybody want comfort ♪

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♪ Comfort love ♪

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♪ Everybody wants certain ♪

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♪ Certain love ♪

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♪ Everybody ♪

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♪ But me ♪♪

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When you're a kid

57
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and you're serious
about playin' music

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or serious about somethin'
in your life,

59
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you have these dreams about,

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you know, wanting to do stuff
in your life,

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you know, whether to be
a fireman or a policeman

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or work with animals

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or a rock star.

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He was like a normal kid.

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You know, if you see the picture
of him in junior high,

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you know, he had on Dockers and
a button down shirt and he...

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Short hair and...

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Then high school came.

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I don't think
he thought he fit in.

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He discovered fairly early
that hard rock music.

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Remember the Ozzy Osbourne
and...

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Yeah.

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I don't know,
Black Sabbath and...

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Some of those posters he had

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even when he was 10,
12 years old,

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on-on his bedroom walls.

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And I used to walk down
the hallway at home

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and poke my head in and say,

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"Would you, please, play
'Ghost Riders In The Sky'

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so I can recognize
what you're playing?"

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Oh, hey, dude.

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There's no, there's no metal
on this one.

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Here we go.

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We were just
a normal family, you know.

85
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My mom and dad worked
pretty much at, you know,

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8 to 4, 9 to 5 type of job
and, you know, we, uh...

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My school was at the end of the
cul-de-sac, so that was cool.

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♪ I'm hot ♪

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♪ And when I'm not ♪

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♪ I'm cold as ice ♪♪

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To, like,
be given that dream...

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I mean, it couldn't have got
bigger for us.

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It was just like,
"Are you serious?"

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"Blind" by Korn

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He's like,
"I wanna start a band.

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You know, I got a drummer."

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He said,
"I need a bass player."

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He's like, "Bass is easy,
you just kinda, just ride E."

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I'm like, "Cool."

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There's always been
a, a back and forth

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with our guitar playing.

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I mean, both of us are playing
guitar. It's like one person.

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He had something
that no one ever heard before.

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When Korn came out, I was like,
"What in the fuck is this?"

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We hear all the time that
he's a genius at what he does.

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I couldn't recognize that,
you know.

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Well, partly because of the type
of music they play.

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♪ Are you ready? ♪

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Big as Korn was,

110
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I would still be
callin' my dad.

111
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"Dad, my album went number one."

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He's like, "What? That's great."

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Backstreet Boys number two,
NSYNC three,

114
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Britney Spears four,
and I'm like, "How are we..."

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I almost thought it was like,
"Are we... Is this conspiracy?

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Are we gettin' punked
or somethin'?"

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It was a blur because not only

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were we partying every night...

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A-and you know,
we're at city, city, city, city.

120
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So it just becomes like,
"Do you remember that tour?"

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Not even that night.

122
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It's like the, the ultimate way

123
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of everything
you could ever want.

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It was fuckin' amazing.

125
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You don't have to wake up
and go to work in the morning.

126
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None of that shit.
It's just having fun.

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And plus, I had a life.
I didn't, I wasn't...

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I didn't party or do anything
when I was growing up.

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I was the outcast kid. Everyone
thought I was a fag and shit.

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So I didn't have... I didn't get
to do any of that shit.

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So once I got in the band, I was
like, "Oh, shit, here we go."

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♪ Go ♪♪

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Fieldy, Jonathan and Head
from the band Korn.

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♪ Fight!
Something on the dum na ema ♪

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♪ Fight somethings they fight ♪

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♪ Something takes
a part of me ♪♪

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And young hip music lovers

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are eating up
the Korn's newest album.

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I had everything.

140
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I had to make people believe
that I was happy

141
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when I had everything.

142
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When on you're on TV every day,

143
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when you have the checks
rollin' in,

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when you have sold out
arena shows, it's like...

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They're like,
"Oh, man, you have it all."

146
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"Man, you're like the..."

147
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"You see Brian,
he's doin' so good."

148
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"See the Korn guys, they're
doin' so good, they have..."

149
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"Man."

150
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I had to play that role.

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That everyone thought
I had everything,

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so I had to act like...

153
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I was happy
and things were okay.

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And my dad,
I guess I wanted to show him

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that I can make it on my own
and, and be okay and...

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My mom,
I didn't want to worry, so...

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So I just... It was just...
I lived a lie.

158
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I'm gonna get you, pancake.

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I'm gonna get you, dirty bag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

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You and me, pancake, you and me.
Yeah.

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Hi. How's it goin'?

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Check her out sideways.

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- Thank you.
- Thank you.

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Thought he was bigger than that.

165
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He's gotta go through that,
is it?

166
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To me,
I knew something was missing

167
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because I was trying
to fill an empty space

168
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with somethin'
that was hurtin' me.

169
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Ice Cube Studio with a fucking
ice chest full of crystal.

170
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You know it.

171
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Oh! You knocked over my beer.
Yes, yes, yes!

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Oh, fuck you.

173
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The alcohol, like every day.

174
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Not just a couple of drinks
a couple of times a week

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with some friends,
like every day.

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There goes, there goes...

177
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Just self-medicating
with drugs and...

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Mainly drugs.

179
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No, no,
don't mix Xanax and beer.

180
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Encore.

181
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- You got some?
- Encore.

182
00:11:41,709 --> 00:11:43,333
- You got some?
- Xanax?

183
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- Smells good.
- It does, doesn't it?

184
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We should put it in a
handkerchief and we'll huff it.

185
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There was no sense
of any responsibility, I think.

186
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That's what it was
and, uh, it just enables us

187
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it enables you to just act
however you want.

188
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Let's start the set.
Let's start the set.

189
00:12:18,709 --> 00:12:21,834
You got the meth lined
out,

190
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you roll up your bill,

191
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you lean down,

192
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make sure the hair doesn't
wipe it away like a broom,

193
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snort it...

194
00:12:32,125 --> 00:12:33,375
and then it's just like...

195
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He was so mad.

196
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:13,208
I went down the hallway,
I was goin'...

197
00:13:13,291 --> 00:13:15,417
I was goin',
"Man, she's in pain again."

198
00:13:16,959 --> 00:13:18,041
Where's the epidural lady?

199
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It was just beautiful
to me, you know.

200
00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:26,709
It's like, this little baby,

201
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this, a miracle came
into the world

202
00:13:28,458 --> 00:13:30,333
and I was there
when she came into the world.

203
00:13:30,417 --> 00:13:32,583
I was there.

204
00:13:34,792 --> 00:13:37,542
She is cute, huh?

205
00:13:44,458 --> 00:13:47,709
I was totally just in love

206
00:13:47,792 --> 00:13:51,500
with the whole experience and
the, and the baby and everything

207
00:13:51,583 --> 00:13:54,667
but when I got home,
it was like...

208
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,458
There was like a fear
that came on me, like,

209
00:13:57,542 --> 00:13:58,875
"Oh, my gosh.

210
00:14:01,583 --> 00:14:03,792
This is, this is a big deal.

211
00:14:03,875 --> 00:14:04,917
There's like another person
that lives here now

212
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:09,667
and I'm responsible
for this person."

213
00:14:09,750 --> 00:14:12,083
So I'm just like,
I was frightened

214
00:14:12,166 --> 00:14:13,333
and my wife came and she's like,

215
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:16,083
"Are you in there? What are you
doin'? I need to use that."

216
00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:18,041
or somethin' like that,
and I was in the bathroom,

217
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:21,917
and I open the door and she
just saw me, just bawling.

218
00:14:24,792 --> 00:14:27,709
My wife just held me there
for a little bit.

219
00:14:32,375 --> 00:14:36,625
I was just scared
that I was gonna screw up

220
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:40,500
the kid
like I was screwin' up myself.

221
00:14:46,542 --> 00:14:48,709
Make sure I don't suck.

222
00:14:48,792 --> 00:14:51,083
I've only been playing a year,
so all playing playing.

223
00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:54,875
Like, actually...

224
00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:58,792
You might have
genetic advantage.

225
00:14:58,875 --> 00:14:59,959
- I don't think so.
- Really?

226
00:15:00,041 --> 00:15:02,792
I don't, I don't think
that's how it works.

227
00:15:02,875 --> 00:15:05,166
I played that second one wrong.
It's actually...

228
00:15:19,542 --> 00:15:20,333
You told us in the
car the other day

229
00:15:20,417 --> 00:15:22,500
that you wanted, uh,
to be a singer.

230
00:15:22,583 --> 00:15:23,667
Yes.

231
00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:25,083
Because you felt like...

232
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,583
it would give you a voice.

233
00:15:29,917 --> 00:15:30,750
Yes.

234
00:15:30,834 --> 00:15:33,458
What do you wanna say?

235
00:15:35,166 --> 00:15:39,458
Um... what do I wanna say?

236
00:15:39,542 --> 00:15:40,834
Um...

237
00:15:42,959 --> 00:15:43,041
Hm.

238
00:15:45,166 --> 00:15:49,333
It felt like forever,
but I was at home for one month

239
00:15:49,417 --> 00:15:51,375
after Jennea was born.

240
00:15:51,458 --> 00:15:53,667
I'm a new person,
I'm gonna be a great dad,

241
00:15:53,750 --> 00:15:55,583
I didn't drink
and I stopped smoking.

242
00:16:06,375 --> 00:16:08,041
And I was kind of bragging
to my guys.

243
00:16:08,125 --> 00:16:09,166
I was like, "My life changed."

244
00:16:12,458 --> 00:16:13,834
And the next thing you know,
they're like,

245
00:16:13,917 --> 00:16:15,458
"Hey, let's go watch
Rage Against The Machine."

246
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:16,291
Let's get some beers."
And I was like...

247
00:16:18,625 --> 00:16:21,417
"Hm, I'll just have
a couple of beers."

248
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,542
What I was afraid of...

249
00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:28,750
I was just like...

250
00:16:28,834 --> 00:16:31,208
I was just stepping right back
into those same patterns.

251
00:16:35,625 --> 00:16:36,792
We knew
something was wrong with him,

252
00:16:36,875 --> 00:16:40,709
but we weren't smart enough
to figure it was drugs.

253
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,375
And he was a master
at hiding it,

254
00:16:43,458 --> 00:16:45,250
but I should have known when...

255
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:47,417
I mean, I feel guilty
about that. When I...

256
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,667
Hindsight is always better,
but I should've seen the signs.

257
00:16:49,750 --> 00:16:51,959
I, I should have too.

258
00:16:52,041 --> 00:16:54,083
But we, we didn't see him
that often.

259
00:16:54,166 --> 00:16:56,750
In our defense,
we didn't see him that often

260
00:16:56,834 --> 00:16:57,959
and when we did,
he was flitting.

261
00:16:58,041 --> 00:17:01,625
You know how he is.
He's just...

262
00:17:01,709 --> 00:17:04,583
And he would crash
when he'd come home a lot.

263
00:17:05,834 --> 00:17:07,750
And I think part of that was...

264
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:09,250
what he was ingesting.

265
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,875
Mm.

266
00:17:13,959 --> 00:17:15,667
I wanna say that...

267
00:17:15,750 --> 00:17:18,750
there is hope and...

268
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,500
that, like,
life doesn't have to...

269
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,333
be just a drag.

270
00:17:25,417 --> 00:17:28,333
No one is on Earth
just because...

271
00:17:28,417 --> 00:17:29,625
Like, there is,
there is a purpose

272
00:17:29,709 --> 00:17:31,208
for everyone being alive.

273
00:17:40,625 --> 00:17:43,000
Welcome to
the show, ladies and gentlemen.

274
00:17:43,083 --> 00:17:46,125
It's Monday night. I'm just back
from Woodstock and Korn Rules.

275
00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:47,959
Am I right? Huh?

276
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:51,667
God bless you.

277
00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:53,792
"Blind" by Korn

278
00:18:01,041 --> 00:18:03,125
The day of the concert
was great.

279
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:05,250
I was clean for a while.
It felt good.

280
00:18:05,333 --> 00:18:08,542
There was no drugs in my system.
I was excited and everything.

281
00:18:08,625 --> 00:18:11,083
"Blind" by Korn

282
00:18:14,041 --> 00:18:15,667
We had an awesome slot.

283
00:18:15,750 --> 00:18:17,917
We went on, like,
right when it got dark.

284
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,375
So, we had
the, like, the lights,

285
00:18:20,458 --> 00:18:24,000
we had the, the sound,
we had everything.

286
00:18:24,959 --> 00:18:26,333
And, you know...

287
00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:29,208
it just crushed.

288
00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:31,333
"Blind" by Korn

289
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:49,792
Ended up drinkin',
ended up snorting coke.

290
00:18:49,875 --> 00:18:52,542
Me and my wife might have
even took ecstasy.

291
00:18:54,583 --> 00:18:57,917
Got on the chartered jet home
with Ice Cube and Limp Bizkit

292
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,750
and Korn and people snorting
Tylenol Pm

293
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,291
to try to get to sleep
'cause they couldn't sleep

294
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:04,250
the night before
'cause of the coke.

295
00:19:04,333 --> 00:19:06,667
And I was just trying
to take care of the baby and...

296
00:19:08,667 --> 00:19:10,333
Yeah, Rebekah, she went off
in the deep end

297
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:12,959
and drank more and more
and got psychotic

298
00:19:13,041 --> 00:19:14,875
and ended up attacking me

299
00:19:14,959 --> 00:19:17,875
and I ended up punchin' her
in the face and...

300
00:19:17,959 --> 00:19:19,041
split her nose open.

301
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,208
Blood went everywhere and...

302
00:19:21,291 --> 00:19:24,291
she ended up passing out
on the marble floor.

303
00:19:28,875 --> 00:19:29,917
My daughter in the next room
sleepin',

304
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,709
my wife on the floor bloody
and, and me, uh...

305
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:39,041
just bawled up, just... crying.

306
00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:43,583
Just thinking and saying, like,

307
00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:48,125
"Why does the American dream
look like a nightmare?"

308
00:19:52,834 --> 00:19:56,041
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

309
00:19:56,125 --> 00:20:01,250
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

310
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,750
♪ Happy birthday ♪

311
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:06,625
♪ Dear Nea ♪

312
00:20:06,709 --> 00:20:11,291
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

313
00:20:12,375 --> 00:20:14,375
We were down
for Jennea's birthday...

314
00:20:16,709 --> 00:20:19,041
and that's when Rebekah
basically walked away.

315
00:20:21,542 --> 00:20:23,458
I'd thought she'd just
kind of flipped out.

316
00:20:23,542 --> 00:20:26,166
I mean, it was,
she came to her party late

317
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:28,959
with, with a couple
of skinheads that she was...

318
00:20:32,166 --> 00:20:35,125
What the hell's goin' on here,
you know, with everyone?

319
00:20:35,208 --> 00:20:38,125
I couldn't believe
it was happening to me.

320
00:20:38,208 --> 00:20:40,542
The punk rock gang of people
that moved into my house

321
00:20:40,625 --> 00:20:44,792
when I was on the road
with Metallica and...

322
00:20:44,875 --> 00:20:47,792
my wife sleepin'
with another man

323
00:20:47,875 --> 00:20:50,083
while my kid's runnin' around
the house.

324
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:54,875
I was horrified
at what she might've saw

325
00:20:54,959 --> 00:20:57,083
with those skinheads
at that house.

326
00:20:58,250 --> 00:21:00,750
So he flies home...

327
00:21:03,583 --> 00:21:06,083
gets her and takes her back
on the road with him.

328
00:21:16,083 --> 00:21:17,709
I had to take over
and I, and I did.

329
00:21:17,792 --> 00:21:22,000
I took her on the road and
stopped messin' with cocaine.

330
00:21:22,083 --> 00:21:24,291
Stopped takin' Xanax pills
and...

331
00:21:26,291 --> 00:21:28,500
did what I had to do.

332
00:21:28,583 --> 00:21:30,458
"Nothing In This World"
by The Kinks

333
00:21:35,583 --> 00:21:39,166
♪ Met a girl fell in love
glad as I can ♪

334
00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:43,709
♪ Be-e-e-e ♪

335
00:21:43,792 --> 00:21:45,083
♪ Met a girl fell in love ♪

336
00:21:45,166 --> 00:21:49,709
♪ Glad as I can be ♪

337
00:21:49,792 --> 00:21:51,792
Wait, baby bum.

338
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:54,959
♪ But I think all the time
is she true ♪

339
00:21:55,041 --> 00:21:58,500
♪ To me-e-e-e? ♪

340
00:21:58,583 --> 00:22:01,417
♪ 'Cause there's nothin'
in this world ♪

341
00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:03,542
♪ To stop me
worryin' 'bout that ♪

342
00:22:03,625 --> 00:22:08,291
♪ Gi-i-i-irl ♪

343
00:22:08,375 --> 00:22:11,583
♪ I found out I was wrong
she was just ♪

344
00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:14,500
♪ Two timin-n-n-n' ♪

345
00:22:16,959 --> 00:22:20,500
♪ I found out I was wrong
she just kept on ♪

346
00:22:20,583 --> 00:22:21,625
♪ Lyi-i-i-in' ♪

347
00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:28,667
♪ Now she tries to tell
the truth and I just can't ♪

348
00:22:28,750 --> 00:22:32,375
♪ Belie-e-e-eve ♪

349
00:22:32,458 --> 00:22:35,417
♪ 'Cause there's nothin'
in this world ♪

350
00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:37,417
♪ To stop me
worryin' 'bout that ♪

351
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:41,792
♪ Gi-i-i-irl ♪

352
00:22:41,875 --> 00:22:46,792
♪ 'Cause there's nothin'
in this world ♪

353
00:22:47,875 --> 00:22:50,458
♪ To stop me worryin' ♪

354
00:22:50,542 --> 00:22:55,083
♪ 'Bout that gi-i-i-irl ♪♪

355
00:23:09,875 --> 00:23:11,041
It's funny.

356
00:23:11,125 --> 00:23:13,000
I love you, daddy.

357
00:23:13,083 --> 00:23:15,917
Aww. I love you too.

358
00:23:16,959 --> 00:23:19,125
- Who's that?
- Jennea.

359
00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:21,542
I have plenty of memories

360
00:23:21,625 --> 00:23:24,083
from when my dad was in Korn.

361
00:23:24,166 --> 00:23:26,333
I-I was little, but I...

362
00:23:26,417 --> 00:23:29,375
I don't know why,
uh, they just stuck.

363
00:23:31,458 --> 00:23:32,500
♪ rock music ♪

364
00:23:36,625 --> 00:23:40,959
I mean, if we're gonna be,
like, real here, like...

365
00:23:41,583 --> 00:23:44,458
I mean, I saw, like...

366
00:23:45,875 --> 00:23:49,667
I saw, like, naked chicks,
like, walking around backstage.

367
00:23:49,750 --> 00:23:52,083
Like, I saw, like,

368
00:23:52,166 --> 00:23:53,959
girls making out,
like, in the crowd.

369
00:23:54,041 --> 00:23:56,834
Like, I...

370
00:23:56,917 --> 00:23:59,125
I don't know, I've...
Like, all of that.

371
00:24:01,166 --> 00:24:02,542
Hey, Jennea,
look in the camera.

372
00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:03,834
- Jennea, look at him.
- Jennea!

373
00:24:03,917 --> 00:24:06,458
Jennea, peek-a-boo!

374
00:24:07,709 --> 00:24:10,667
- Never, ever... Jennea--
- Say hi to the camera.

375
00:24:10,750 --> 00:24:14,792
Jennea! Never talk
to a guy that looks like this.

376
00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:17,417
Go that way.

377
00:24:18,667 --> 00:24:20,166
- Jennea.
- Or a girl.

378
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:22,291
Jennea. Jennea.

379
00:24:22,375 --> 00:24:23,959
It changed my perspective

380
00:24:24,041 --> 00:24:28,125
on how I saw other people
in the world.

381
00:24:28,208 --> 00:24:30,291
How I saw a man and a woman
together in their marriage.

382
00:24:30,375 --> 00:24:32,917
I... That definitely...

383
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,166
It changed
how I saw, like, love.

384
00:24:38,625 --> 00:24:41,375
Whoo-whee,
smoke 'em if you got 'em.

385
00:24:42,250 --> 00:24:45,875
- Hey, Jennea--
- Jennea.

386
00:24:45,959 --> 00:24:48,959
Are you confused?
Are you confused?

387
00:24:49,041 --> 00:24:50,333
She's tired.

388
00:24:51,667 --> 00:24:54,375
But she'll be rockin' on stage,
right?

389
00:24:54,458 --> 00:24:56,709
Tough times for us.

390
00:24:56,792 --> 00:24:58,875
A lot of people watched Jennea
over the years.

391
00:24:58,959 --> 00:25:02,041
A lot.

392
00:25:02,125 --> 00:25:03,291
Oh, look, Jennea, there's...

393
00:25:03,375 --> 00:25:07,333
When they moved to
Bakersfield, we would watch her

394
00:25:07,417 --> 00:25:10,208
and this other couple
came with 'em

395
00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:11,875
and they took care of Jennea.

396
00:25:11,959 --> 00:25:14,291
- When he was out on the road.
- Yeah.

397
00:25:16,834 --> 00:25:19,458
When I think
about home, I think about

398
00:25:19,542 --> 00:25:21,208
the one in Bakersfield.

399
00:25:21,291 --> 00:25:23,500
It was a big house.

400
00:25:23,583 --> 00:25:24,750
Britney Spears!

401
00:25:25,834 --> 00:25:29,583
We had, like, a crazy,
like, a huge pool

402
00:25:29,667 --> 00:25:31,375
with, like, a bridge over it

403
00:25:31,458 --> 00:25:34,417
and I had a huge

404
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:36,500
Hello Kitty themed room

405
00:25:36,583 --> 00:25:37,834
and I never slept in it.

406
00:25:37,917 --> 00:25:42,375
I always s-slept on the couch
o-or the guest room.

407
00:25:42,458 --> 00:25:44,333
Hey, did I scare you guys?

408
00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:48,625
To be honest,
I didn't know what family was.

409
00:25:48,709 --> 00:25:52,291
I just thought
it was a word that meant

410
00:25:52,375 --> 00:25:54,709
people who were related
to each other.

411
00:25:54,792 --> 00:25:56,542
I didn't think
it meant anything else.

412
00:25:56,625 --> 00:25:58,500
I'm still figuring it out.

413
00:26:00,542 --> 00:26:04,667
Go, Jennea! Woohoo!

414
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:08,458
She's up on the blocks.
Standin' on her blocks.

415
00:26:08,542 --> 00:26:12,041
- Take your mark!
- She took her mark.

416
00:26:13,959 --> 00:26:15,667
There she goes.

417
00:26:17,917 --> 00:26:19,959
Go, Nea, go! Go, go, go!

418
00:26:23,917 --> 00:26:24,709
Go, Nea, go, go!

419
00:26:24,792 --> 00:26:27,458
Well, my dad was gone.

420
00:26:27,542 --> 00:26:28,709
I didn't think that was right.

421
00:26:31,083 --> 00:26:32,959
I knew something
was missing there.

422
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:34,917
Go! Go!

423
00:26:54,250 --> 00:26:54,875
Sorry, I need a...

424
00:26:57,208 --> 00:27:00,417
Daddy, I'm...
I'mma got two medals.

425
00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:04,667
Okay.
B-blow your daddy a kiss.

426
00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:09,750
All t-the other kids had

427
00:27:09,834 --> 00:27:10,625
their mom and dad come to,

428
00:27:10,709 --> 00:27:15,000
like, their graduation
or whatever

429
00:27:15,083 --> 00:27:19,625
or, like, Mother's Day
or Father's Day.

430
00:27:20,458 --> 00:27:21,709
Um...

431
00:27:21,792 --> 00:27:24,458
Sometimes,
my dad couldn't make it

432
00:27:24,542 --> 00:27:25,792
or m-my mom was never there.

433
00:27:29,792 --> 00:27:33,041
It was definitely hard
and people would wonder, like,

434
00:27:33,125 --> 00:27:35,250
"H-how come
your mom's not here?"

435
00:27:37,417 --> 00:27:38,875
I think I remember

436
00:27:38,959 --> 00:27:42,083
just saying like,
"Oh, my dad's a rock star.

437
00:27:42,166 --> 00:27:43,750
He's, h-he's away. H's gone."

438
00:27:45,417 --> 00:27:47,709
I think I was like,

439
00:27:47,792 --> 00:27:50,583
I don't think I can change us,
this is life.

440
00:27:50,667 --> 00:27:51,875
But I knew that, like...

441
00:27:57,625 --> 00:27:58,750
Sorry.

442
00:28:02,208 --> 00:28:04,208
Everything in me wanted to do

443
00:28:04,291 --> 00:28:06,542
the right things for her and...

444
00:28:07,583 --> 00:28:09,917
But I just,
I think deep down inside of me,

445
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,834
I-I knew I was incapable...

446
00:28:13,709 --> 00:28:14,750
of...

447
00:28:16,917 --> 00:28:19,041
being what she needed
and deserved.

448
00:28:30,667 --> 00:28:34,083
I get a gulp,
like, in my throat

449
00:28:34,166 --> 00:28:35,667
and, like,
my heart skips a beat

450
00:28:35,750 --> 00:28:38,125
when I come down this road...

451
00:28:38,208 --> 00:28:39,375
because...

452
00:28:41,542 --> 00:28:43,875
pure evil...

453
00:28:46,291 --> 00:28:47,417
was...

454
00:28:48,667 --> 00:28:49,792
in my life
as I traveled these roads.

455
00:28:49,875 --> 00:28:52,959
Had drug dealers
come to the house,

456
00:28:53,041 --> 00:28:56,166
bring me stuff
and, uh, a lot of emotions

457
00:28:56,250 --> 00:28:59,000
when I come...

458
00:28:59,083 --> 00:29:00,917
when I come here, you know.

459
00:29:03,667 --> 00:29:06,417
Brian would play shows
and he'd leave me passes

460
00:29:06,500 --> 00:29:08,625
at the, uh, at the box office.

461
00:29:08,709 --> 00:29:11,000
Have an all-access pass,
I'd show up

462
00:29:11,083 --> 00:29:13,458
with a sack of dope and,
and we'd use and get high.

463
00:29:13,542 --> 00:29:16,500
I'd bring the meth to him.

464
00:29:16,583 --> 00:29:19,667
Um... And that went on
for a few years.

465
00:29:19,750 --> 00:29:21,792
I'd pop in with a sack.

466
00:29:23,041 --> 00:29:25,917
And then I didn't hear
from him after that.

467
00:29:31,125 --> 00:29:33,041
I couldn't stop bein'...

468
00:29:34,333 --> 00:29:35,125
bad to my body.

469
00:29:35,208 --> 00:29:36,625
I couldn't stop
these addictions.

470
00:29:36,709 --> 00:29:39,417
They would always come back.

471
00:29:50,959 --> 00:29:52,875
The thing about meth,
it just like...

472
00:29:54,792 --> 00:29:57,458
It takes you down these roads
where you can...

473
00:29:59,417 --> 00:30:00,959
be someone that you're not.

474
00:30:03,208 --> 00:30:04,625
One was awesome.

475
00:30:04,709 --> 00:30:06,417
You know, I'd go off
and just for hours

476
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:09,375
and work with music.

477
00:30:09,458 --> 00:30:11,083
It wasn't defiled,
it wasn't...

478
00:30:11,166 --> 00:30:12,959
It just felt pure.

479
00:30:14,625 --> 00:30:17,208
And the other was...

480
00:30:18,959 --> 00:30:21,083
the sexual perversion.

481
00:30:23,709 --> 00:30:26,875
It seemed like millions

482
00:30:26,959 --> 00:30:29,375
of different videos,
different categories

483
00:30:29,458 --> 00:30:32,250
just turned on
by the sickness of it.

484
00:30:32,333 --> 00:30:34,709
It was, it was like
I had become an animal.

485
00:30:42,500 --> 00:30:44,500
Fifteen years.

486
00:30:44,583 --> 00:30:46,333
You just decided to get clean.

487
00:30:46,417 --> 00:30:48,417
- I stopped everything.
- Cold turkey?

488
00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:49,667
Mm-hmm.

489
00:30:49,750 --> 00:30:52,583
I was crazy for a year,
but nothing'.

490
00:30:52,667 --> 00:30:54,709
No AA, no fucking God,
no bullshit.

491
00:30:54,792 --> 00:30:57,500
'Cause everybody's
gotta replace it

492
00:30:57,583 --> 00:31:00,000
and all I did was replace it
with music.

493
00:31:00,083 --> 00:31:01,834
So what was it
like a few years later

494
00:31:01,917 --> 00:31:05,834
when you're watchin'
Munky and Regi and--

495
00:31:05,917 --> 00:31:09,000
It was fuckin' entertaining
as hell.

496
00:31:09,083 --> 00:31:12,250
I mean, you gotta look at it.
I'm in a rock band.

497
00:31:12,333 --> 00:31:14,166
I'm gonna be around drugs
and alcohol 24-7.

498
00:31:14,250 --> 00:31:15,834
So you got either fuckin'...
You could be a dry drunk,

499
00:31:15,917 --> 00:31:17,917
you could be pissed, and be...

500
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:19,208
'Cause I've seen other guys
that had done that

501
00:31:19,291 --> 00:31:20,125
and they're just miserable,
'cause they can't drink

502
00:31:20,208 --> 00:31:22,458
or you just gotta embrace it,
so...

503
00:31:22,542 --> 00:31:24,291
I was out there makin'
their drinks, choppin' lines,

504
00:31:24,375 --> 00:31:26,417
rolling joints,
doin' everything.

505
00:31:26,500 --> 00:31:28,750
It just... I think
I was more addicted to the...

506
00:31:28,834 --> 00:31:32,125
uh, ritual of doin' drugs
and drinking

507
00:31:32,208 --> 00:31:35,792
than I was actually
partaking in it.

508
00:31:35,875 --> 00:31:36,875
'Cause my hangovers
would get so bad,

509
00:31:36,959 --> 00:31:39,625
I couldn't even play sometimes,
so...

510
00:31:39,709 --> 00:31:41,208
Um, it was fun.

511
00:31:41,291 --> 00:31:43,291
I'd wake up in the morning
and they'd be all hungover

512
00:31:43,375 --> 00:31:48,083
and I'd be... laughin',
watchin' 'em do it again.

513
00:31:48,166 --> 00:31:51,125
I was downstream
in the gutter too.

514
00:31:51,208 --> 00:31:53,083
I guess more and more every day

515
00:31:53,166 --> 00:31:55,542
just hittin' more bottom even
though we're a successful band.

516
00:31:55,625 --> 00:31:58,625
You're just goin',
what is this?

517
00:31:58,709 --> 00:32:01,500
The balance starts
to kind of tip the other way

518
00:32:01,583 --> 00:32:03,959
where it's like,
I feel like shit

519
00:32:04,041 --> 00:32:06,250
because I-I did too much
of this, we partied too hard

520
00:32:06,333 --> 00:32:09,792
and then your dreams
kind of startin' to fade away

521
00:32:09,875 --> 00:32:10,083
in the distance.

522
00:32:20,709 --> 00:32:22,166
I remember I was on a Korn tour.

523
00:32:22,250 --> 00:32:24,125
I was on that two-year binge.

524
00:32:25,250 --> 00:32:26,834
Yo, daddy.

525
00:32:26,917 --> 00:32:28,959
Vegas right there.

526
00:32:29,041 --> 00:32:31,125
All about money, money, money.

527
00:32:31,208 --> 00:32:35,750
And greed, greed, greed,
money, money, money, greed.

528
00:32:35,834 --> 00:32:38,458
Jennea, she came to visit
with some friends of ours

529
00:32:38,542 --> 00:32:39,834
that had kids too.

530
00:32:39,917 --> 00:32:42,208
And those people came
into my room.

531
00:32:42,291 --> 00:32:43,709
It's really hard to say,
but like,

532
00:32:43,792 --> 00:32:46,458
I remember one of the kids
turn on the TV.

533
00:32:46,542 --> 00:32:50,041
Now check out daddy's suite.
No girls in there though.

534
00:32:50,125 --> 00:32:52,959
The porno came on the TV
that I was watching earlier.

535
00:32:53,041 --> 00:32:55,583
All the kids,
like, looked at the TV

536
00:32:55,667 --> 00:32:57,208
and all the adults scrambled,
"Give me the remote!

537
00:32:57,291 --> 00:33:00,542
You guys, close your eyes,
close your eyes!"

538
00:33:03,125 --> 00:33:05,625
I felt the most intense shame.

539
00:33:07,333 --> 00:33:09,125
I just wanted to die,
like, right then.

540
00:33:09,208 --> 00:33:10,291
I was just, like, mortified.

541
00:33:13,709 --> 00:33:15,834
I was like,
"Who have I become?"

542
00:33:17,291 --> 00:33:20,083
That I would do this to myself,

543
00:33:20,166 --> 00:33:23,583
to my body, to my home,
to my daughter?

544
00:33:26,625 --> 00:33:27,208
But I was stuck.

545
00:33:38,458 --> 00:33:41,709
I'd sunk so low
into my secrets.

546
00:33:41,792 --> 00:33:43,250
I couldn't live with myself.

547
00:33:43,333 --> 00:33:45,834
You know, that's when
I would be on my back,

548
00:33:45,917 --> 00:33:48,208
lookin' up sayin',

549
00:33:48,291 --> 00:33:50,125
"What is the meaning of life?"

550
00:33:50,208 --> 00:33:53,166
Like, "What, what is wrong
with my life?

551
00:33:53,250 --> 00:33:56,083
Why can't I have it together?"

552
00:34:01,625 --> 00:34:05,083
- Oh, my God. What...
- How's it goin', buddy?

553
00:34:05,166 --> 00:34:06,083
- What's up, my guy?
- Thank you guys for...

554
00:34:06,166 --> 00:34:09,166
- Look at this guy.
- Oh, my God. Oh.

555
00:34:09,250 --> 00:34:11,667
Dude, I haven't seen you
since, like, '05.

556
00:34:11,750 --> 00:34:13,125
- Good to see you, bro.
- You too.

557
00:34:13,208 --> 00:34:14,959
- Keep missin' you.
- I miss you too.

558
00:34:15,041 --> 00:34:17,417
I never knew the day

559
00:34:17,500 --> 00:34:19,709
you and I met at CoCo's
and I gave you the Bible

560
00:34:19,792 --> 00:34:21,709
and we prayed together
and you're all...

561
00:34:21,792 --> 00:34:23,959
Had your hoodie on,
your glasses on.

562
00:34:24,041 --> 00:34:25,834
I never knew until I read
your book that you were high

563
00:34:25,917 --> 00:34:27,041
as a kite that day.

564
00:34:27,125 --> 00:34:29,375
Yeah, I was high every day.

565
00:34:29,458 --> 00:34:30,208
It was like my, my Starbucks.

566
00:34:32,208 --> 00:34:34,417
The coffee shop
in Bakersfield

567
00:34:34,500 --> 00:34:37,291
where I met Eric Powers
to, uh...

568
00:34:37,375 --> 00:34:40,333
I don't know. I just...
He knew I was searching.

569
00:34:43,792 --> 00:34:44,917
I remember he got me a Bible

570
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,083
and he put my name on it,
you know.

571
00:34:48,417 --> 00:34:50,291
Whatever they...
At the store, they...

572
00:34:50,375 --> 00:34:52,834
put my name on the Bible
and so he said,

573
00:34:52,917 --> 00:34:53,834
"If you have any questions
about all this stuff,

574
00:34:53,917 --> 00:34:56,166
let me know and we could talk."

575
00:34:56,250 --> 00:34:57,875
And he didn't push.
He never pushed.

576
00:34:57,959 --> 00:35:00,542
And that was... I really,

577
00:35:00,625 --> 00:35:02,709
really liked that about him,
you know, and...

578
00:35:02,792 --> 00:35:05,125
You know, I was like, "I can't
pray and ask Jesus in my heart

579
00:35:05,208 --> 00:35:07,375
when I'm on drugs.

580
00:35:07,458 --> 00:35:08,709
I thought I had to like
get off drugs

581
00:35:08,792 --> 00:35:11,375
and then go to church."

582
00:35:13,417 --> 00:35:15,375
You know, it's just,
I was just out of my mind.

583
00:35:15,458 --> 00:35:19,041
And I had no concept
of what God was like, so...

584
00:35:20,583 --> 00:35:22,709
This is it.

585
00:35:25,417 --> 00:35:26,291
I walked in. I had my hood up.

586
00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:28,208
Had a backpack with me
with all the stuff

587
00:35:28,291 --> 00:35:32,083
I could tweak on
if I needed whatever.

588
00:35:32,959 --> 00:35:34,583
Um...

589
00:35:34,667 --> 00:35:36,542
I just, I remember
feeling that peace.

590
00:35:38,250 --> 00:35:41,041
I-it was weird,
'cause I went from, like,

591
00:35:41,125 --> 00:35:44,208
just total gutter

592
00:35:44,291 --> 00:35:46,375
up all night on meth

593
00:35:46,458 --> 00:35:50,917
and not any sleep and just,
you know, trying to hide

594
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,875
u-up here
and just feelin' like...

595
00:35:53,959 --> 00:35:57,250
Just a feeling I never felt
before, you know. Just a...

596
00:35:57,333 --> 00:36:00,709
There was a drawing of God
to his heart.

597
00:36:00,792 --> 00:36:04,166
And it would go away because
obviously I was on drugs, but...

598
00:36:04,250 --> 00:36:06,625
You know, but it was just
God drawing me in.

599
00:36:30,750 --> 00:36:32,750
And I just checked
into a hotel

600
00:36:32,834 --> 00:36:33,500
expecting to be there a week.

601
00:36:33,583 --> 00:36:35,250
I checked out in a day or two.

602
00:36:35,333 --> 00:36:38,125
Walking outside,
lookin' at the trees

603
00:36:38,208 --> 00:36:40,250
and the sun and just goin'...

604
00:36:41,625 --> 00:36:45,041
"Why don't I feel horribly?
Why am I not sleeping?

605
00:36:45,125 --> 00:36:46,083
Why am I not barkin'
someone's head off?

606
00:36:46,166 --> 00:36:49,625
Why am I not in fits of rage?"

607
00:36:53,625 --> 00:36:55,667
Somebody told me,
"God wants you to go home

608
00:36:55,750 --> 00:36:56,417
and clean out your house."

609
00:36:58,709 --> 00:36:59,917
I found a first-aid kit.

610
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,500
I opened it

611
00:37:02,583 --> 00:37:04,333
and the 8-ball of crystal meth
fell out of it.

612
00:37:06,875 --> 00:37:08,542
I dove into that...

613
00:37:09,875 --> 00:37:11,667
like it was the ocean.

614
00:37:15,750 --> 00:37:17,667
So I was like,
"How do I know this is real?"

615
00:37:17,750 --> 00:37:18,625
Like, I was just like...

616
00:37:18,709 --> 00:37:21,959
I was so double-minded
and just scattered

617
00:37:22,041 --> 00:37:24,000
'cause of that last binge
and everything.

618
00:37:24,083 --> 00:37:27,125
And one of the last nights
I was doing drugs, I...

619
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:30,709
I-I-I started grabbing
my Bible.

620
00:37:30,792 --> 00:37:32,041
I got my Bible out again.

621
00:37:32,125 --> 00:37:33,959
I started reading it
and flippin' the pages

622
00:37:34,041 --> 00:37:35,500
and it was like the scriptures
were, like, goin'

623
00:37:35,583 --> 00:37:39,000
poppin' out at me, talkin'
to things in my, in my life

624
00:37:39,083 --> 00:37:40,458
and I was, like, I'd shut it

625
00:37:40,542 --> 00:37:42,667
'cause it'd freak me out,
then I'd do it again.

626
00:37:42,750 --> 00:37:44,291
And I was just thinkin', I was
like, "How do I know though?"

627
00:37:44,375 --> 00:37:47,750
Like, it just seems too crazy,
like...

628
00:37:49,875 --> 00:37:51,500
How many people call Christians
brainwashed?

629
00:37:51,583 --> 00:37:55,500
What if I'm gettin' brainwashed
and I'm imagining all this?

630
00:37:55,583 --> 00:37:57,458
What if it's drugs
that's makin' me think?

631
00:38:02,750 --> 00:38:05,041
All of a sudden, just...

632
00:38:06,375 --> 00:38:09,375
instant, like, eternal hug

633
00:38:09,458 --> 00:38:11,875
and it was a feeling
of unconditional love

634
00:38:11,959 --> 00:38:14,959
and forgiveness and it was like
God comin' in the room

635
00:38:15,041 --> 00:38:16,917
sayin', "I am real

636
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:18,959
and I'm the father

637
00:38:19,041 --> 00:38:21,875
of every person on Earth."

638
00:38:21,959 --> 00:38:25,333
And I-I just looked up
and I just said, "Father."

639
00:38:28,166 --> 00:38:29,875
For the first time in my life,

640
00:38:29,959 --> 00:38:31,667
I felt like I was home.

641
00:38:32,709 --> 00:38:36,125
It was like a feeling
of a spiritual beauty

642
00:38:36,208 --> 00:38:41,041
and purity that was so beautiful

643
00:38:41,125 --> 00:38:43,667
that words can't express it.
I'm just trying my best.

644
00:38:49,542 --> 00:38:50,709
The next day...

645
00:38:52,291 --> 00:38:54,083
I threw away all my drugs...

646
00:38:58,083 --> 00:38:59,834
I dropped to my knees
and said...

647
00:39:02,667 --> 00:39:03,750
"God...

648
00:39:04,625 --> 00:39:07,750
did I pass the test?
Am I too late?

649
00:39:07,834 --> 00:39:09,542
I'm yours. This is it."

650
00:39:21,083 --> 00:39:22,333
The music world is buzzing.

651
00:39:22,417 --> 00:39:24,417
Brian Welch AKA Head

652
00:39:24,500 --> 00:39:27,000
announced he was leaving Korn.

653
00:39:27,083 --> 00:39:28,834
Brian's former bandmates
from Korn

654
00:39:28,917 --> 00:39:31,583
declined CNN's request
for an interview.

655
00:39:31,667 --> 00:39:35,500
But in a statement said that
Korn respects Brian's wishes

656
00:39:35,583 --> 00:39:38,417
and hopes he finds the
happiness he's searching for.

657
00:39:39,500 --> 00:39:44,083
One night, I get an e-mail,
a long e-mail...

658
00:39:45,709 --> 00:39:49,166
and I read through it
and I was like,

659
00:39:49,250 --> 00:39:52,583
"This is crazy. Is this,
is this really happening?"

660
00:39:52,667 --> 00:39:54,000
He's like,
"Jennea, I'm quitting Korn.

661
00:39:54,083 --> 00:39:55,709
I-I'm gonna stay home,"
and I'm like...

662
00:39:55,792 --> 00:39:59,792
And I remember my six-year-old
mind, I was like...

663
00:39:59,875 --> 00:40:02,709
"Wait, is that even allowed?"

664
00:40:02,792 --> 00:40:04,792
I'm gonna show
through my actions

665
00:40:04,875 --> 00:40:07,250
how much I love my fans.

666
00:40:07,333 --> 00:40:08,709
I'm kickin' it off next Sunday
a-at Valley Bible.

667
00:40:08,792 --> 00:40:11,166
I'm gonna speak how I got
to this place in my life.

668
00:40:11,250 --> 00:40:13,417
You wanna leave the band, fine.

669
00:40:13,500 --> 00:40:15,208
We gotta do this a way
where you quietly leave

670
00:40:15,291 --> 00:40:16,291
and don't do all this shit,
but he's like,

671
00:40:16,375 --> 00:40:18,291
"No, God's tellin' me to do this
and God's tellin..."

672
00:40:18,375 --> 00:40:19,625
I'm like, I'm gonna...

673
00:40:19,709 --> 00:40:21,667
I fucking hate
these motherfuckers, man.

674
00:40:21,750 --> 00:40:24,417
"God's not telling,
your fucking head's telling you.

675
00:40:24,500 --> 00:40:26,000
Now chill the fuck out."

676
00:40:26,083 --> 00:40:27,041
So he drove his ass down
to the radio station

677
00:40:27,125 --> 00:40:29,083
and just announced it
right in the middle

678
00:40:29,166 --> 00:40:30,333
of our negotiating the deal.

679
00:40:30,417 --> 00:40:31,959
So I wanted to kill
this motherfucker.

680
00:40:33,542 --> 00:40:35,041
I was on drugs
in this church even

681
00:40:35,125 --> 00:40:37,291
couple of times, I was...

682
00:40:37,375 --> 00:40:41,542
I had addiction to... meth.

683
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:45,583
Methamphetamine.

684
00:40:49,542 --> 00:40:53,208
I think
that was an act of love...

685
00:40:55,375 --> 00:40:57,875
for himself and his daughter.

686
00:40:57,959 --> 00:40:58,625
Mainly for his daughter.

687
00:41:09,542 --> 00:41:12,417
I came to a point, I was like,

688
00:41:12,500 --> 00:41:13,792
I didn't wanna live
and I was just goin',

689
00:41:13,875 --> 00:41:17,000
"Why don't I wanna live?
I got, I got the car I want,

690
00:41:17,083 --> 00:41:19,208
the house I want.

691
00:41:19,291 --> 00:41:22,750
You know, I got everything
I want, don't I?"

692
00:41:22,834 --> 00:41:24,959
Then there's,
that's how God talks to you.

693
00:41:25,041 --> 00:41:27,959
He's like, "No."

694
00:41:28,041 --> 00:41:30,083
But I got everything I want.

695
00:41:30,166 --> 00:41:31,875
Look at,
look at my bank account.

696
00:41:31,959 --> 00:41:33,792
I can't even keep it all
in there.

697
00:41:33,875 --> 00:41:35,125
"No."

698
00:41:37,375 --> 00:41:38,208
And then, um...

699
00:41:38,291 --> 00:41:41,792
And here I am. I'm so happy.

700
00:41:43,709 --> 00:41:45,875
You know, when he did,
we're like it didn't matter.

701
00:41:45,959 --> 00:41:47,709
We're like, "Let's press on.
Let's...

702
00:41:47,792 --> 00:41:49,875
We're gonna be even better, one
guitar player, we're gonna..."

703
00:41:49,959 --> 00:41:53,083
And just had this attitude
t-to still do it and make it.

704
00:41:53,166 --> 00:41:55,250
A long time, I hated his ass.
I was like...

705
00:41:55,333 --> 00:41:57,750
This is just not cool.

706
00:41:57,834 --> 00:41:59,959
What the fuck happened
to my fuckin' band?

707
00:42:01,458 --> 00:42:04,458
"Bad Reputation"
by Joan Jett

708
00:42:11,625 --> 00:42:14,041
♪ I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation ♪

709
00:42:15,959 --> 00:42:17,792
♪ You're living in the past
it's a new generation ♪

710
00:42:20,792 --> 00:42:22,875
♪ A girl can do what
she wants to do ♪

711
00:42:22,959 --> 00:42:25,291
♪ And that's what
I'm gonna do ♪

712
00:42:25,375 --> 00:42:27,125
♪ And I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation ♪

713
00:42:27,208 --> 00:42:30,125
I'm on fire for the Lord

714
00:42:30,208 --> 00:42:32,208
and everyone's
gonna watch me burn.

715
00:42:32,291 --> 00:42:34,667
Burn in a good way.

716
00:42:34,750 --> 00:42:36,375
♪ And I don't really care
if you think I'm strange ♪

717
00:42:36,458 --> 00:42:39,291
♪ I ain't gonna change ♪

718
00:42:39,375 --> 00:42:42,041
♪ And I'm never gonna care
'bout my bad reputation ♪

719
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:45,333
♪ Whoa no no no no no no ♪

720
00:42:45,417 --> 00:42:48,458
♪ Not me me me me me me me ♪

721
00:42:48,542 --> 00:42:50,959
♪ Whoa no no no no no no ♪

722
00:42:51,041 --> 00:42:52,208
♪ Not me me me me me me me ♪

723
00:42:52,291 --> 00:42:53,667
♪ Pedal boys ♪

724
00:43:03,125 --> 00:43:04,875
♪ Whoa no no no no no no ♪

725
00:43:04,959 --> 00:43:06,333
♪ Not me me me me me me me ♪♪

726
00:43:47,750 --> 00:43:49,166
Sellin' all of them?

727
00:43:50,125 --> 00:43:53,959
Since he played so good,
um, he won those.

728
00:43:54,458 --> 00:43:56,750
It was from MTV.

729
00:43:58,291 --> 00:43:59,834
They're just awards.

730
00:44:12,583 --> 00:44:14,000
That conversation with Jennea

731
00:44:14,083 --> 00:44:15,834
when I told her
that I was gonna,

732
00:44:15,917 --> 00:44:16,709
that I quit my band

733
00:44:16,792 --> 00:44:19,834
and I was gonna be home
with her

734
00:44:19,917 --> 00:44:21,041
was just like...

735
00:44:22,500 --> 00:44:23,417
Her face just lit up
and she was just, like,

736
00:44:23,500 --> 00:44:25,917
takin' it all in, like...

737
00:44:27,625 --> 00:44:30,166
Never in her life
did she have a parent home.

738
00:44:33,333 --> 00:44:35,083
One that wasn't gonna leave.

739
00:44:38,583 --> 00:44:42,417
I didn't really r-remember
my mom when I was younger.

740
00:44:42,500 --> 00:44:43,750
I...

741
00:44:43,834 --> 00:44:47,583
I knew she was out there,
but I didn't really...

742
00:44:50,166 --> 00:44:51,709
I, I don't know.

743
00:45:10,333 --> 00:45:12,458
I pictured some...

744
00:45:12,542 --> 00:45:15,792
I don't know, some, like,
dirty blond-haired,

745
00:45:15,875 --> 00:45:19,333
like, tall woman
in, like, a cardigan

746
00:45:19,417 --> 00:45:21,583
and like a skirt,
like a long skirt.

747
00:45:21,667 --> 00:45:24,291
I don't know why,
like the ideal mom.

748
00:45:27,041 --> 00:45:29,625
But she came
in her, like, miniskirt

749
00:45:29,709 --> 00:45:31,625
and, like, the tattoos
and she's like, "Ah!"

750
00:45:31,709 --> 00:45:34,083
I love you so much.

751
00:45:36,083 --> 00:45:37,208
So...

752
00:45:40,083 --> 00:45:40,834
So that was that.

753
00:45:43,542 --> 00:45:44,750
You know, you think

754
00:45:44,834 --> 00:45:48,417
you're makin'
the, the best choices for...

755
00:45:49,875 --> 00:45:51,834
for your daughter and everything
and it's just like...

756
00:45:54,667 --> 00:45:57,792
It's just hard, man.
It's just...

757
00:46:00,417 --> 00:46:02,333
'Cause I was, like,
following God.

758
00:46:02,417 --> 00:46:04,375
I was like, I wanted...

759
00:46:04,458 --> 00:46:06,333
I wanted to go
to where I needed to be

760
00:46:06,417 --> 00:46:08,291
to get to my destiny in Him...

761
00:46:11,291 --> 00:46:14,041
and I also wanted
to be a good father.

762
00:46:14,125 --> 00:46:17,542
But I immediately started makin'
bad choices after I quit Korn.

763
00:46:17,625 --> 00:46:20,125
I was like, I hired a nanny.

764
00:46:20,208 --> 00:46:22,500
And I'm like,
"Here, take care of my daughter,

765
00:46:22,583 --> 00:46:24,166
I'm gonna go write music."

766
00:46:32,792 --> 00:46:33,792
That guy was fucked
up on speed and of course,

767
00:46:33,875 --> 00:46:36,792
he's gonna naturally do that.
It's...

768
00:46:36,875 --> 00:46:40,166
He found his thing
to make him stop.

769
00:46:40,250 --> 00:46:42,625
So I'm sure he was gonna go
150 percent into it

770
00:46:42,709 --> 00:46:46,041
because he's just so fucked up
on the other thing.

771
00:46:46,125 --> 00:46:47,041
And it's good.
I-if you use religion

772
00:46:47,125 --> 00:46:50,875
to get off somethin' harmful,
then that's...

773
00:46:50,959 --> 00:46:53,834
Go for it.
Don't think, I just have...

774
00:46:53,917 --> 00:46:54,834
My problem with Christians
and Christianity

775
00:46:54,917 --> 00:46:57,750
is their fuckin'
assimilation tactics.

776
00:46:57,834 --> 00:47:00,208
Everybody's out to assimilate
you into their fold.

777
00:47:00,291 --> 00:47:01,709
You know, "You're fuckin'
goin' to hell

778
00:47:01,792 --> 00:47:02,875
and you need Jesus and..."

779
00:47:02,959 --> 00:47:04,750
It's just fucking irritating.

780
00:47:06,375 --> 00:47:08,125
Nobody wants to hear
that shit.

781
00:47:08,208 --> 00:47:10,166
If they're lookin' for it,
they'll go find it.

782
00:47:17,709 --> 00:47:18,792
- I'm home.
- Hi.

783
00:47:18,875 --> 00:47:20,959
- Hey.
- Good to see you again.

784
00:47:21,041 --> 00:47:23,041
I told Phil, "You know what?

785
00:47:23,125 --> 00:47:25,166
I need to go to church
so that I understand

786
00:47:25,250 --> 00:47:26,750
what's happening to him."

787
00:47:26,834 --> 00:47:29,709
Because I don't understand
how can anybody do this.

788
00:47:29,792 --> 00:47:32,417
How can you change so suddenly?

789
00:47:32,500 --> 00:47:34,458
I was really scared.

790
00:47:34,542 --> 00:47:36,792
Brian, pour some chips in there

791
00:47:36,875 --> 00:47:40,125
and we'll just put
a bowl of chips on.

792
00:47:40,208 --> 00:47:44,750
Eventually, uh, Phil started
going to church with me.

793
00:47:44,834 --> 00:47:45,875
And then...
Because of the same reason.

794
00:47:45,959 --> 00:47:51,667
He was bothered by the fact
that Brian, um,

795
00:47:51,750 --> 00:47:52,959
was so suddenly...

796
00:47:55,333 --> 00:47:56,291
a Christian.

797
00:47:57,750 --> 00:48:00,166
I spent most of my life
until Brian's conversion...

798
00:48:02,291 --> 00:48:04,000
as kind of an agnostic.

799
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:09,291
Maybe there is,
maybe there isn't, I don't know.

800
00:48:09,375 --> 00:48:12,000
God, our Father,
who art in heaven,

801
00:48:12,083 --> 00:48:15,792
we're so blessed to have our son
here for a short visit.

802
00:48:15,875 --> 00:48:19,792
Uh, we miss him,
he's gone a lot.

803
00:48:19,875 --> 00:48:22,041
We thank You
for all of your blessings.

804
00:48:24,333 --> 00:48:25,667
Please bless this food
we're about to eat.

805
00:48:25,750 --> 00:48:28,333
In Jesus' name, Amen.

806
00:48:28,417 --> 00:48:30,166
- Amen.
- Amen.

807
00:48:30,250 --> 00:48:31,750
I feel better about myself.

808
00:48:31,834 --> 00:48:33,500
I don't, I don't get his...

809
00:48:33,583 --> 00:48:36,750
riled up and uptight...

810
00:48:36,834 --> 00:48:38,709
kind of go with the flow,
you know.

811
00:48:40,750 --> 00:48:41,208
God's in control.

812
00:48:45,500 --> 00:48:47,959
I woke up at, uh, at 5:20,
went runnin'.

813
00:48:48,041 --> 00:48:51,542
The watch that Fred Durst
bought me.

814
00:48:51,625 --> 00:48:52,750
From Limp Bizkit.
I appreciate the gift,

815
00:48:52,834 --> 00:48:55,792
but I'm not about diamonds
or money or nothin' anymore.

816
00:48:55,875 --> 00:48:57,709
Man, how do I pay a phone bill?

817
00:48:57,792 --> 00:48:59,000
In other words,
living in the Holy Land

818
00:48:59,083 --> 00:48:59,750
will not make them holy.

819
00:48:59,834 --> 00:49:03,166
Hey, Jennea, get down, please.

820
00:49:05,125 --> 00:49:06,875
Alright, every time
I listen to it, I cry.

821
00:49:06,959 --> 00:49:09,333
He was there with me
when I did it.

822
00:49:09,417 --> 00:49:11,625
So no one can ever...

823
00:49:11,709 --> 00:49:13,542
Can I, can I call
a bunch of friends?

824
00:49:13,625 --> 00:49:17,333
- No.
- Please.

825
00:49:17,417 --> 00:49:20,166
Jennea, just give me someone
you wanna call right now.

826
00:49:20,250 --> 00:49:22,792
Like, I said, when I was up
there, I'm not afraid

827
00:49:22,875 --> 00:49:24,875
of nothin', man.
Today proved it again.

828
00:49:24,959 --> 00:49:26,291
I used to be afraid!

829
00:49:29,125 --> 00:49:31,583
I moved to Phoenix just
to get away from everything.

830
00:49:31,667 --> 00:49:33,291
I wanted to start over.

831
00:49:33,375 --> 00:49:37,041
I was like, "Jesus, I want you
to be my role model.

832
00:49:37,125 --> 00:49:40,375
I want you to take me, do
anything you want to my life."

833
00:49:40,458 --> 00:49:41,834
When I moved from Bakersfield,

834
00:49:41,917 --> 00:49:43,709
I had a few million dollars
in the bank.

835
00:49:46,083 --> 00:49:50,500
I was off on a mission, to help
the world to use that money,

836
00:49:50,583 --> 00:49:51,917
to change the world.

837
00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:55,208
And so in 2009, I lost,
I lost my Beamer.

838
00:49:55,291 --> 00:49:57,375
I lost... It had 22-inch rims.

839
00:49:57,458 --> 00:49:59,875
It was like
I had to relearn everything

840
00:49:59,959 --> 00:50:04,125
with this faith
that I was living with.

841
00:50:04,208 --> 00:50:06,166
I got cheated out
of that Christian guy.

842
00:50:06,250 --> 00:50:08,000
He was actually a gangster
from New York.

843
00:50:08,083 --> 00:50:11,208
And when he did business,
he'd rip people off.

844
00:50:11,291 --> 00:50:13,750
His family was like
in the mafia type of stuff.

845
00:50:13,834 --> 00:50:16,542
I lost everything.
I lost my house.

846
00:50:16,625 --> 00:50:20,000
Every company that I chose
to get involved with

847
00:50:20,083 --> 00:50:22,917
crashed and burned
within like three or four years.

848
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,834
And I got to a point in 2009
where I was looking for quarters

849
00:50:25,917 --> 00:50:28,583
in my drawers to buy my daughter
lunch at school.

850
00:50:28,667 --> 00:50:31,542
He had been physical,
punching holes in walls

851
00:50:31,625 --> 00:50:34,417
and like screaming and like...

852
00:50:34,500 --> 00:50:39,125
saying like, "Eff you, God!
Why did you do this to me?"

853
00:50:39,208 --> 00:50:40,959
I was just irresponsible
for Jennea.

854
00:50:41,041 --> 00:50:42,917
You just give me somethin',
just give me somethin'.

855
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,625
I open my bible
and I land on the scripture,

856
00:50:45,709 --> 00:50:48,083
like if you have food and
clothing, be content with that.

857
00:50:48,166 --> 00:50:49,125
I'm like, "Dang it!"

858
00:50:49,208 --> 00:50:49,792
I wasn't scared.

859
00:50:49,875 --> 00:50:55,250
I was more... sad.

860
00:50:55,333 --> 00:50:57,125
And my spirit's fighting
to live in faith.

861
00:50:57,208 --> 00:50:58,625
So it was like a baby,
you know.

862
00:50:58,709 --> 00:50:59,875
You take away the bottle,

863
00:50:59,959 --> 00:51:01,792
all of a sudden, the baby...

864
00:51:01,875 --> 00:51:05,333
I guess I didn't understand
why he did those things.

865
00:51:05,417 --> 00:51:07,959
I end up puttin' down
my first Christian record,

866
00:51:08,041 --> 00:51:09,792
I start a label
and I'm like,

867
00:51:09,875 --> 00:51:11,125
"I'm gonna get
a Christian band signed

868
00:51:11,208 --> 00:51:12,000
and I'm gonna get
the word out there.

869
00:51:12,083 --> 00:51:13,750
Finally, God,
after all that stuff."

870
00:51:13,834 --> 00:51:16,083
The record company...

871
00:51:40,417 --> 00:51:42,166
You know, it took
a couple of years

872
00:51:42,250 --> 00:51:46,417
to untangle the web
of just knots

873
00:51:46,500 --> 00:51:50,500
and it was just like
a, a world of, like, negativity

874
00:51:50,583 --> 00:51:52,166
that was just...

875
00:51:52,250 --> 00:51:54,333
tryin' to hold on to you
for dear life,

876
00:51:54,417 --> 00:51:56,000
that was just tryin'
to bring me down,

877
00:51:56,083 --> 00:51:58,083
but I was in Nashville
startin' a new life.

878
00:52:00,208 --> 00:52:02,000
It was like a different planet.

879
00:52:02,083 --> 00:52:05,000
It was almost like
a fresh start.

880
00:52:09,625 --> 00:52:11,500
I assumed things
were gonna be different.

881
00:52:13,083 --> 00:52:15,291
But I realized that it was...

882
00:52:17,500 --> 00:52:20,083
it was hard letting go...

883
00:52:20,166 --> 00:52:23,333
of friends and what-not,

884
00:52:23,417 --> 00:52:24,917
so that made it harder to accept

885
00:52:25,000 --> 00:52:27,959
that the change was good.

886
00:52:31,250 --> 00:52:34,500
She just couldn't
connect with anybody and...

887
00:52:34,583 --> 00:52:36,917
and it just got worse
from then on and...

888
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:39,583
she just became more withdrawn
and...

889
00:52:39,667 --> 00:52:41,959
Of course,
a lot of things did affect me.

890
00:52:42,041 --> 00:52:45,166
Like, my mom being gone

891
00:52:45,250 --> 00:52:47,417
and my dad not being the most...

892
00:52:51,500 --> 00:52:52,875
emotionally-dependable.

893
00:52:54,333 --> 00:52:57,417
Her life was so unlike...

894
00:52:57,500 --> 00:53:01,417
every other girl
in this neighborhood

895
00:53:01,500 --> 00:53:05,250
that it was hard for her
to relate to those girls

896
00:53:05,333 --> 00:53:07,375
and for those girls
to relate to her.

897
00:53:07,458 --> 00:53:10,333
So that brings
about insecurities,

898
00:53:10,417 --> 00:53:11,917
doubt, fear.

899
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,792
It's hard bein' a young girl.

900
00:53:14,875 --> 00:53:17,959
I can only imagine how hard
it is bein' a young girl

901
00:53:18,041 --> 00:53:20,917
of a single dad

902
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:23,041
on the road on tour.

903
00:53:35,917 --> 00:53:36,917
Things got worse for her.

904
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:40,333
So why don't I try
takin' her on the road?

905
00:53:40,417 --> 00:53:43,208
She would do her homework
at like 3 a.m. some nights

906
00:53:43,291 --> 00:53:45,250
and just we'd crash at, like, 4.
We are in a van.

907
00:53:45,333 --> 00:53:48,125
People offered her drugs
a couple of times.

908
00:53:48,208 --> 00:53:50,834
It was just like...
I can't win.

909
00:53:54,083 --> 00:53:56,625
Life was awful.

910
00:53:56,709 --> 00:53:59,709
I didn't wanna feel this way,

911
00:53:59,792 --> 00:54:01,333
but I did.

912
00:54:01,417 --> 00:54:02,458
And so I tried other things

913
00:54:02,542 --> 00:54:07,291
that I felt like would feel
better and would help.

914
00:54:07,375 --> 00:54:09,792
But it, like, made it worse.

915
00:54:09,875 --> 00:54:10,458
It sunk back.

916
00:54:14,875 --> 00:54:17,917
The truth was that
I was hurting.

917
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:20,542
And that I didn't know why,
and I wanted someone to help me.

918
00:54:27,250 --> 00:54:29,375
He called me one day

919
00:54:29,458 --> 00:54:33,000
and I remember his voice.

920
00:54:33,083 --> 00:54:37,166
There was determination,

921
00:54:37,250 --> 00:54:41,125
fear and love, all combined.

922
00:54:41,208 --> 00:54:43,875
And basically, he was, he was
asking for help and guidance,

923
00:54:43,959 --> 00:54:47,500
uh, with his daughter.

924
00:54:47,583 --> 00:54:50,208
I've made a mess out of my life.

925
00:54:50,291 --> 00:54:52,208
Um, I'm reborn.

926
00:54:52,875 --> 00:54:55,875
My daughter is...

927
00:54:55,959 --> 00:54:58,875
is lost in this world
that I've created for her.

928
00:54:58,959 --> 00:55:00,041
Well, I think
it was the shock value.

929
00:55:00,125 --> 00:55:01,208
- I really do.
- Right.

930
00:55:01,291 --> 00:55:04,792
And she was trying
to cover the pain

931
00:55:04,875 --> 00:55:05,709
and the vulnerability

932
00:55:05,792 --> 00:55:10,208
with the, the shock
and the hardness

933
00:55:10,291 --> 00:55:12,542
and the rock and roll
and, you know...

934
00:55:16,709 --> 00:55:20,834
I went from like one
of the biggest rock stars to...

935
00:55:21,542 --> 00:55:24,458
an out-of-work single dad.

936
00:55:26,375 --> 00:55:28,375
I've always struggled
with anger

937
00:55:28,458 --> 00:55:29,750
even after I became a Christian

938
00:55:29,834 --> 00:55:30,500
and I wasn't...

939
00:55:33,125 --> 00:55:37,125
a perfect father by any means.

940
00:55:39,417 --> 00:55:42,125
I almost mimicked my dad.

941
00:55:42,208 --> 00:55:44,041
Like, I, I got physical.

942
00:55:44,125 --> 00:55:46,583
I flipped tables.

943
00:55:46,667 --> 00:55:50,667
I would have bursts
of rage with her,

944
00:55:50,750 --> 00:55:53,417
just with life,
because I was stressed out

945
00:55:53,500 --> 00:55:54,458
tryin' to hold on to faith.

946
00:55:56,917 --> 00:56:00,125
I guess I kind of learned that
he did to take off frustration,

947
00:56:00,208 --> 00:56:01,917
I picked up too.

948
00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:03,834
Because I didn't know
of any other way.

949
00:56:05,959 --> 00:56:07,083
We were home after a tour

950
00:56:07,166 --> 00:56:08,709
and she was just like,

951
00:56:08,792 --> 00:56:10,250
we were fighting
and I was blowin' up.

952
00:56:10,333 --> 00:56:12,917
I ransacked the house.

953
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:15,000
I screamed, "Eff you!"

954
00:56:15,083 --> 00:56:17,208
"Eff you! I effin' hate you!"

955
00:56:21,375 --> 00:56:23,834
She just started fallin'...

956
00:56:25,291 --> 00:56:27,291
fallin' down a deeper hole

957
00:56:27,375 --> 00:56:30,166
from then on to, uh,

958
00:56:30,250 --> 00:56:31,750
you know, depression...

959
00:56:33,500 --> 00:56:35,709
suicidal thoughts,

960
00:56:35,792 --> 00:56:39,458
sayin' suggestive things that

961
00:56:39,542 --> 00:56:41,375
no father wants
their teenage daughter

962
00:56:41,458 --> 00:56:42,667
to say online
for everyone to read.

963
00:56:48,875 --> 00:56:51,542
I told him
we need to have a plan

964
00:56:51,625 --> 00:56:53,917
and, and we need
a nuclear button.

965
00:56:55,625 --> 00:56:58,208
The nuclear option
was to find a facility

966
00:56:58,291 --> 00:57:02,291
that Jennea could go to

967
00:57:02,375 --> 00:57:06,625
and live in
and learn life skills

968
00:57:06,709 --> 00:57:09,208
with loving people
and peers around her.

969
00:57:14,500 --> 00:57:17,291
One day she got so mad...

970
00:57:19,291 --> 00:57:21,667
she says, "I cut myself
because of you"

971
00:57:23,792 --> 00:57:25,875
and starts bursting into tears.

972
00:57:29,583 --> 00:57:32,083
Puberty,

973
00:57:32,166 --> 00:57:34,166
social media experimentation,

974
00:57:34,250 --> 00:57:38,083
discovering who she was

975
00:57:38,166 --> 00:57:40,375
without having

976
00:57:40,458 --> 00:57:44,542
any consistent friends her age
around.

977
00:57:45,500 --> 00:57:48,166
I mean, she was freefalling.

978
00:57:50,917 --> 00:57:53,792
I just wanted someone
to realize I'm hurting.

979
00:57:55,417 --> 00:57:58,834
I'm here, I'm, I am aching.
What do I do?

980
00:58:01,959 --> 00:58:02,917
It's gonna be tough

981
00:58:03,000 --> 00:58:05,917
because Jennea's still gonna be
on tour with you.

982
00:58:07,208 --> 00:58:09,709
We can do Skype sessions.

983
00:58:09,792 --> 00:58:12,709
And we can do it once a week.

984
00:58:12,792 --> 00:58:15,834
But basically,
it's going to be like...

985
00:58:17,417 --> 00:58:19,500
small cups of water

986
00:58:19,583 --> 00:58:22,542
we're trying to get out
of the sinking boat

987
00:58:22,625 --> 00:58:26,667
when buckets of water
are just being poured in.

988
00:58:26,750 --> 00:58:29,667
I just got out of the
shower and I looked at myself

989
00:58:29,750 --> 00:58:31,542
and I just started crying
and I was bawling.

990
00:58:31,625 --> 00:58:34,750
And I said, "I effin' hate you.
You're a whore."

991
00:58:38,291 --> 00:58:41,959
I had heard if you drink
enough soap, it would kill you.

992
00:58:42,041 --> 00:58:45,458
And so I drink a bunch of soap
and...

993
00:58:47,625 --> 00:58:49,250
Sorry, I need a...

994
00:58:49,333 --> 00:58:52,166
She's like, "I hate you.
I hate you and I hate my life.

995
00:58:52,250 --> 00:58:53,625
I wanna die."

996
00:58:53,709 --> 00:58:55,625
And all of it
was hitting the ground

997
00:58:55,709 --> 00:58:57,500
with her at one time.

998
00:58:58,166 --> 00:59:00,458
We had to stop it.

999
00:59:01,875 --> 00:59:03,250
And I would just be
like at the point,

1000
00:59:03,333 --> 00:59:05,583
I'm gonna just like,
"Fuck you, God.

1001
00:59:07,750 --> 00:59:10,792
Who are you? Like, why didn't
you let me die from the drugs?

1002
00:59:10,875 --> 00:59:12,625
Like, everything's goin' wrong.
Like, I try all this stuff.

1003
00:59:12,709 --> 00:59:16,291
I follow you,
I give, I give to the poor.

1004
00:59:16,375 --> 00:59:17,625
I, I...

1005
00:59:19,208 --> 00:59:21,959
I did,
I gave up everything for you.

1006
00:59:22,041 --> 00:59:24,375
And now my daughter's
cutting herself."

1007
00:59:24,458 --> 00:59:26,667
I have, like, I can't control
my rage. I'm stressed out.

1008
00:59:26,750 --> 00:59:31,208
I have nobody that wants
to come to the concerts.

1009
00:59:31,291 --> 00:59:33,458
I'm just like fuck it all.

1010
01:00:18,500 --> 01:00:22,500
♪ Stop in the name of love ♪

1011
01:00:22,583 --> 01:00:27,125
♪ Before you break my heart ♪

1012
01:00:27,208 --> 01:00:28,792
I love you so much,
you know that?

1013
01:00:30,291 --> 01:00:31,959
I really, really, really do.

1014
01:00:32,875 --> 01:00:35,875
The camera?
I'll tell the whole world.

1015
01:00:35,959 --> 01:00:38,417
I'll get on my knees
and tell you

1016
01:00:38,500 --> 01:00:40,375
I love you, Jennea.
I'll kiss your foot.

1017
01:00:51,417 --> 01:00:52,875
During Christmas 2012,

1018
01:00:52,959 --> 01:00:56,875
she cut her arms from here
to all the way up to here.

1019
01:00:56,959 --> 01:00:59,834
Shoulder to wrist, both arms,
while we were at my mom's

1020
01:00:59,917 --> 01:01:00,959
and it just, like,
freaked me out.

1021
01:01:07,709 --> 01:01:09,875
That's when I set into motion

1022
01:01:09,959 --> 01:01:12,667
to take her to Awakening Youth

1023
01:01:12,750 --> 01:01:14,542
ran by Tiffany and Travis.

1024
01:01:16,959 --> 01:01:19,542
She just was broken.

1025
01:01:19,625 --> 01:01:20,959
Broken into pieces
and she was just falling,

1026
01:01:21,041 --> 01:01:25,792
and it was like,
"Give your dad a hug. Goodbye."

1027
01:01:31,667 --> 01:01:33,417
That was rough, man.

1028
01:01:44,500 --> 01:01:46,875
She's all he has.

1029
01:01:48,542 --> 01:01:50,583
She's all he has.

1030
01:01:50,667 --> 01:01:53,333
And so to, um...

1031
01:01:55,250 --> 01:01:57,208
to put all that you have
somewhere else...

1032
01:01:57,291 --> 01:01:59,667
is really hard.

1033
01:02:02,083 --> 01:02:04,500
I cried.

1034
01:02:04,583 --> 01:02:06,625
When he said he was gonna
take her to that school

1035
01:02:06,709 --> 01:02:08,625
and I knew,
but it was the thing to do.

1036
01:02:08,709 --> 01:02:11,583
Yeah, exactly,
he had to do that.

1037
01:02:11,667 --> 01:02:14,125
I was so sad that it had come
to that point.

1038
01:02:14,208 --> 01:02:15,625
Because when he took her
to that school,

1039
01:02:15,709 --> 01:02:16,917
it was basically
an intervention.

1040
01:02:20,166 --> 01:02:21,166
And, uh..

1041
01:02:22,667 --> 01:02:24,542
she flipped out, of course.

1042
01:02:29,542 --> 01:02:31,625
It was weird

1043
01:02:31,709 --> 01:02:34,792
not getting my way,
if that makes sense.

1044
01:02:34,875 --> 01:02:35,583
It was...

1045
01:02:35,667 --> 01:02:38,500
it was humbling, of course,

1046
01:02:38,583 --> 01:02:42,250
but it was like, "Well,
she's not going to give in."

1047
01:02:44,125 --> 01:02:45,959
That's weird.

1048
01:02:46,041 --> 01:02:47,333
I challenge them.

1049
01:02:47,417 --> 01:02:48,583
Like I said with Brian,

1050
01:02:48,667 --> 01:02:50,000
you're inviting me
into your life.

1051
01:02:50,083 --> 01:02:53,333
Like, you're not, this isn't
a service. This isn't a...

1052
01:02:53,417 --> 01:02:55,500
You know, I'm not just gonna,
this isn't a nanny.

1053
01:02:55,583 --> 01:02:56,709
This is, like,
a life experience.

1054
01:02:56,792 --> 01:02:59,583
We're-we're joining
in this together

1055
01:02:59,667 --> 01:03:02,166
for your daughter's benefit,
for her life.

1056
01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:08,750
She needed a mother figure...

1057
01:03:10,667 --> 01:03:13,375
in her life, and not that
Tiffany's her mother at all,

1058
01:03:13,458 --> 01:03:17,709
but, like, it's a female

1059
01:03:17,792 --> 01:03:20,542
who is speaking nothing

1060
01:03:20,625 --> 01:03:23,166
but strengthening stuff
into her life.

1061
01:03:24,750 --> 01:03:27,083
And loving her
with tough love...

1062
01:03:32,458 --> 01:03:33,917
and feminine love...

1063
01:03:35,458 --> 01:03:37,166
all at once that she needs,
you know,

1064
01:03:37,250 --> 01:03:39,250
in order to make her
a stronger person.

1065
01:03:41,792 --> 01:03:44,667
She was very
confrontational in the beginning

1066
01:03:44,750 --> 01:03:47,667
that we would try to take her
mother or her father's place.

1067
01:03:47,750 --> 01:03:49,709
There is a context,
there is a mom.

1068
01:03:49,792 --> 01:03:51,542
Uh, there was a love story.

1069
01:03:51,625 --> 01:03:54,125
I don't think I-I can read it.

1070
01:03:54,208 --> 01:03:56,542
You don't think...
Would you like me to read it?

1071
01:03:56,625 --> 01:03:57,792
It's okay.

1072
01:03:58,959 --> 01:04:02,583
"Mom, hi.

1073
01:04:02,667 --> 01:04:05,041
Dad told me that you have tried
to contact me.

1074
01:04:05,125 --> 01:04:08,250
I feel that it's best that
we aren't in contact right now.

1075
01:04:08,333 --> 01:04:10,250
There have been many situations
in my life

1076
01:04:10,333 --> 01:04:12,542
where I have been disappointed
by you.

1077
01:04:12,625 --> 01:04:13,583
And I think that it's best
for both of us

1078
01:04:13,667 --> 01:04:16,750
to focus on ourselves

1079
01:04:16,834 --> 01:04:18,583
and what we have
right in front of us.

1080
01:04:18,667 --> 01:04:21,083
I'm not mad at you and I do not
have hard feelings against you.

1081
01:04:21,166 --> 01:04:25,959
I just think that this is the
most beneficial option for me

1082
01:04:26,041 --> 01:04:27,083
and you.

1083
01:04:27,166 --> 01:04:29,583
Take care of Elanah and you

1084
01:04:29,667 --> 01:04:32,375
and focus on being her rock
in her life.

1085
01:04:32,458 --> 01:04:33,000
Sincerely, Jennea."

1086
01:04:41,208 --> 01:04:45,750
I am, I'm truly at peace,
like, with all that.

1087
01:04:45,834 --> 01:04:47,750
Like, I think,
I think I communicated,

1088
01:04:47,834 --> 01:04:50,583
like, what I needed to be, so...

1089
01:04:55,625 --> 01:04:57,458
This is, uh, kind
of a death-taking place

1090
01:04:57,542 --> 01:05:01,917
but like a new life
is birthing, too, and it's...

1091
01:05:02,000 --> 01:05:05,917
If you think about birth,
it's, it's always, uh,

1092
01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:08,125
messy and painful,

1093
01:05:08,208 --> 01:05:12,375
but then afterwards
you get to hold a miracle.

1094
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:19,208
Being away from my dad
is definitely hard.

1095
01:05:19,291 --> 01:05:22,417
Like, you can't deny the fact
that it is emotional.

1096
01:05:22,500 --> 01:05:24,375
And even right now
I think I'm gonna cry

1097
01:05:24,458 --> 01:05:27,959
'cause I kind of miss him,
I don't wanna be away from him.

1098
01:05:28,041 --> 01:05:30,667
But for this period of time,

1099
01:05:30,750 --> 01:05:35,125
I cannot be... successful

1100
01:05:35,208 --> 01:05:36,208
being with him 24-7.

1101
01:05:50,125 --> 01:05:51,500
We went through guitar players

1102
01:05:51,583 --> 01:05:52,583
and guitar players
and guitar...

1103
01:05:52,667 --> 01:05:53,667
No one's ever gonna fill
that role

1104
01:05:53,750 --> 01:05:56,458
until somebody can come

1105
01:05:56,542 --> 01:05:58,917
that can bring it like Head did

1106
01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:01,250
and have moves like a rock star
like Head does,

1107
01:06:01,333 --> 01:06:03,125
and have the presence
that he had.

1108
01:06:03,208 --> 01:06:05,291
All those things have
to be better than what he was

1109
01:06:05,375 --> 01:06:08,500
before anybody comes out
on that stage right there.

1110
01:06:08,583 --> 01:06:10,583
Never happened.

1111
01:06:16,291 --> 01:06:17,917
It was really hard.

1112
01:06:19,250 --> 01:06:21,500
When Brian left the band,
it was...

1113
01:06:22,792 --> 01:06:26,208
all joking aside,
I was devastated, I really was.

1114
01:06:26,291 --> 01:06:28,500
Really, it was like
a three-legged dog

1115
01:06:28,583 --> 01:06:30,542
kind of hopping along the side
of the freeway.

1116
01:06:30,625 --> 01:06:31,959
That's how it felt
without him there.

1117
01:06:32,041 --> 01:06:35,834
He was just funny as Head,
just...

1118
01:06:35,917 --> 01:06:37,125
When he'd walk in the room,
he'd light it up

1119
01:06:37,208 --> 01:06:39,375
and he'd just walk
across the room

1120
01:06:39,458 --> 01:06:40,917
and not, like, think things over

1121
01:06:41,000 --> 01:06:43,208
just like a cartoon character.

1122
01:06:43,291 --> 01:06:45,500
I mean, that's the most thing
I missed about him.

1123
01:06:45,583 --> 01:06:47,917
Being without him on the road,
I didn't have any of that.

1124
01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:50,625
It was just like,
you know, normalcy.

1125
01:06:59,583 --> 01:07:01,250
I was on tour
with Love And Death

1126
01:07:01,333 --> 01:07:02,959
opening for P.O.D.

1127
01:07:03,041 --> 01:07:04,083
They had some shows
at a rock festival

1128
01:07:04,166 --> 01:07:05,917
and I was like,
"Let me take Jennea

1129
01:07:06,000 --> 01:07:08,083
to the show with you guys."

1130
01:07:08,166 --> 01:07:11,041
Korn actually was the band
headlining.

1131
01:07:11,125 --> 01:07:13,792
I didn't let that stop me.

1132
01:07:13,875 --> 01:07:15,750
All of a sudden, me and my dad

1133
01:07:15,834 --> 01:07:18,750
were walking
towards Munky's bus.

1134
01:07:18,834 --> 01:07:22,417
Reggie goes, "We're putting you
on Munk's bus right now."

1135
01:07:22,500 --> 01:07:23,375
And it was kind of funny,
I was there witnessing

1136
01:07:23,458 --> 01:07:26,458
the whole thing
and we're like, "Wow.

1137
01:07:26,542 --> 01:07:28,834
Hope they come out huggin'
and not swingin', you know."

1138
01:07:30,792 --> 01:07:34,125
At this point, I've been
sober for a couple years

1139
01:07:34,208 --> 01:07:36,458
and I was feeling like,

1140
01:07:36,542 --> 01:07:40,458
you know, like I could sit down
and talk with him one-on-one

1141
01:07:40,542 --> 01:07:44,000
and have a... just a normal,
catch up.

1142
01:07:44,083 --> 01:07:46,208
I didn't care about the band,
I-I didn't...

1143
01:07:46,291 --> 01:07:48,750
Only thing I cared about
is making sure I had

1144
01:07:48,834 --> 01:07:52,291
his phone number, so we could
call each other, you know.

1145
01:07:52,375 --> 01:07:54,625
Just asking forgiveness
for everything, you know,

1146
01:07:54,709 --> 01:07:56,166
just 'cause we've known
each other so long.

1147
01:07:56,250 --> 01:07:59,166
Kind of emotional, you know,
it was crazy.

1148
01:07:59,250 --> 01:08:01,041
I understood.
The moment I saw his face,

1149
01:08:01,125 --> 01:08:03,625
I was like, "Wow,
it all made sense."

1150
01:08:03,709 --> 01:08:05,000
Jennea was with him

1151
01:08:05,083 --> 01:08:08,041
reminding me that
she's here with him

1152
01:08:08,125 --> 01:08:09,834
because that's why
he had to leave

1153
01:08:09,917 --> 01:08:11,166
and-and then, that-that just
stays in the back your mind

1154
01:08:11,250 --> 01:08:13,917
when you're sitting there
havin' a conversation.

1155
01:08:14,000 --> 01:08:15,500
Then they come out laughing

1156
01:08:15,583 --> 01:08:17,959
and that was a huge ice breaker
right there.

1157
01:08:18,041 --> 01:08:20,750
- Here we go, boys.
- Does he know?

1158
01:08:20,834 --> 01:08:22,542
- No.
- Can I hang out?

1159
01:08:22,625 --> 01:08:23,834
Dude, come on. I'm buying.

1160
01:08:23,917 --> 01:08:25,166
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

1161
01:08:28,041 --> 01:08:29,166
- You hear that?
- Mm-hm.

1162
01:08:29,250 --> 01:08:30,291
Brian Head Welch getting up

1163
01:08:30,375 --> 01:08:32,000
to play "Blind" with us.

1164
01:08:32,083 --> 01:08:35,000
Over 30,000 peeps
in North Cackalacky.

1165
01:08:39,125 --> 01:08:41,166
"Blind" by Korn

1166
01:08:42,750 --> 01:08:44,333
I wanna bring out
one of my truest

1167
01:08:44,417 --> 01:08:47,500
and oldest
and most beloved old friends.

1168
01:08:50,750 --> 01:08:52,875
My boy!

1169
01:08:54,166 --> 01:08:56,709
You guys ready to get crazy?

1170
01:08:56,792 --> 01:08:58,959
This is where it all began,
people!

1171
01:09:01,458 --> 01:09:03,625
♪ Are you ready? ♪

1172
01:09:04,500 --> 01:09:06,375
"Blind" by Korn

1173
01:09:11,792 --> 01:09:13,542
♪ Oh ♪

1174
01:09:23,041 --> 01:09:26,583
♪ There's a place
inside my brain ♪

1175
01:09:26,667 --> 01:09:29,417
♪ Another kind of pain ♪♪

1176
01:09:29,500 --> 01:09:30,333
It seemed
it might set him high again,

1177
01:09:30,417 --> 01:09:32,250
'cause usually
it's just Reggie there

1178
01:09:32,333 --> 01:09:34,250
and now he was up there.

1179
01:09:34,333 --> 01:09:36,667
It just felt really good,
it felt right.

1180
01:09:36,750 --> 01:09:37,959
It felt like the band is like...

1181
01:09:38,041 --> 01:09:39,875
and everything was right.

1182
01:09:39,959 --> 01:09:41,083
And, uh, all I can do

1183
01:09:41,166 --> 01:09:44,917
was just fucking cry, man.

1184
01:09:45,000 --> 01:09:46,875
I don't know, just one
of those things that just,

1185
01:09:46,959 --> 01:09:48,792
you just know, you know,
like for some reason,

1186
01:09:48,875 --> 01:09:49,917
it was not right
for, like, eight years

1187
01:09:50,000 --> 01:09:53,041
and then it just opened up.

1188
01:09:53,125 --> 01:09:55,250
God opened the doors up
and it was just right.

1189
01:09:55,333 --> 01:09:58,083
God bless you.
Goodnight, people, we love you!

1190
01:10:00,583 --> 01:10:01,959
I could tell that there was,

1191
01:10:02,041 --> 01:10:07,291
like he just felt... happy.

1192
01:10:12,166 --> 01:10:14,917
I went home,
got a phone call from Munky.

1193
01:10:15,000 --> 01:10:17,792
He said, "Hey, we're going
to start writing a record."

1194
01:10:19,375 --> 01:10:22,959
I... He was, "I don't want to
make this about you coming back,

1195
01:10:23,041 --> 01:10:27,542
because I love to see you
as my old friend

1196
01:10:27,625 --> 01:10:30,959
and I love to be reconnected
with you, so...

1197
01:10:31,041 --> 01:10:33,959
But i-if you feel like
you wanna do this,

1198
01:10:34,041 --> 01:10:37,375
door's open, let us know."

1199
01:10:37,458 --> 01:10:39,875
I was, like,
"Well, are you gonna do it?"

1200
01:10:42,792 --> 01:10:43,417
I finally flew down there

1201
01:10:43,500 --> 01:10:47,125
to get together with them.

1202
01:10:47,208 --> 01:10:49,166
It was instantly, like, just...

1203
01:10:50,875 --> 01:10:54,375
a positive energy in the room.

1204
01:10:54,458 --> 01:10:58,041
We went and ate at my
parents' house, all of us.

1205
01:10:58,125 --> 01:11:00,375
Like old friends
just eating dinner together,

1206
01:11:00,458 --> 01:11:01,417
breaking bread, you know,
and...

1207
01:11:04,417 --> 01:11:06,041
Wrote with them another month
and just hung out

1208
01:11:06,125 --> 01:11:08,959
and wrote down and...

1209
01:11:09,041 --> 01:11:11,458
and it just got better,
and better, and better.

1210
01:11:11,542 --> 01:11:13,375
It's just, it's amazing.

1211
01:11:13,458 --> 01:11:15,333
We hadn't hung out
in a long time, so...

1212
01:11:15,417 --> 01:11:18,291
just being able
to hang out with him,

1213
01:11:18,375 --> 01:11:20,500
I could see how he really was.

1214
01:11:20,583 --> 01:11:22,083
Then there is no problem.

1215
01:11:22,166 --> 01:11:23,959
He's not a preachy motherfucker
at all.

1216
01:11:25,542 --> 01:11:27,250
All I can say is
God has a plan

1217
01:11:27,333 --> 01:11:29,667
and it could be
the simple thing

1218
01:11:29,750 --> 01:11:31,792
of grabbing these five guys
together,

1219
01:11:31,875 --> 01:11:32,959
become best friends again.

1220
01:11:33,041 --> 01:11:35,875
Now it's, like, it's deeper.

1221
01:11:37,041 --> 01:11:40,875
We're stronger when
we're all together, for sure.

1222
01:11:40,959 --> 01:11:42,709
And, um,
I don't know what it is,

1223
01:11:42,792 --> 01:11:45,417
but this thing
has become bigger than us.

1224
01:11:49,875 --> 01:11:51,792
Okay, my life
as I knew it is changing,

1225
01:11:51,875 --> 01:11:54,417
and for a teenager,
that's like catastrophic.

1226
01:11:54,500 --> 01:11:56,542
Whereas for you and I,
it's like, "Okay,

1227
01:11:56,625 --> 01:11:57,959
this is only
for a little while."

1228
01:11:58,041 --> 01:11:58,875
An adult kind of wait it out.

1229
01:11:58,959 --> 01:12:00,333
For them, it's like,
"Oh, my goodness,

1230
01:12:00,417 --> 01:12:02,583
this is this huge
life-changing event..."

1231
01:12:02,667 --> 01:12:06,000
I was not for him
going back to Korn.

1232
01:12:06,083 --> 01:12:09,458
Like, if this isn't right
for your daughter,

1233
01:12:09,542 --> 01:12:12,333
if we tell you that you need
to leave, then you'll leave.

1234
01:12:12,417 --> 01:12:14,375
I'm not gonna get attached
to this kid

1235
01:12:14,458 --> 01:12:16,750
and build this relationship
and, and all of this

1236
01:12:16,834 --> 01:12:18,417
if you're gonna do something
destructive

1237
01:12:18,500 --> 01:12:21,583
or you're gonna self-destruct
or, you know...

1238
01:12:21,667 --> 01:12:24,250
And Brian very humbly said,
"Absolutely, I left it once,

1239
01:12:24,333 --> 01:12:25,834
I'll leave it again."

1240
01:12:27,291 --> 01:12:30,041
"I left it once,
I'll leave it again."

1241
01:12:30,125 --> 01:12:30,750
I know
you're not a little girl,

1242
01:12:30,834 --> 01:12:32,375
but we'll do something fun.

1243
01:12:32,458 --> 01:12:34,333
- I just wanted to...
- Thanks.

1244
01:12:35,333 --> 01:12:39,500
He has matured amazingly.

1245
01:12:39,583 --> 01:12:41,125
Him even managing his emotions

1246
01:12:41,208 --> 01:12:44,583
and him learning
how to talk to me

1247
01:12:44,667 --> 01:12:46,583
and taking the time to...

1248
01:12:46,667 --> 01:12:50,083
That's really important for me,
is that he...

1249
01:12:50,166 --> 01:12:53,375
No matter if he's in,
I don't know...

1250
01:12:53,458 --> 01:12:58,625
Germany or some other place,

1251
01:12:58,709 --> 01:13:00,792
he will make time for me.

1252
01:13:13,291 --> 01:13:17,792
♪ T-shirt rolled up
to his shoulders ♪

1253
01:13:17,875 --> 01:13:21,291
♪ Six-inch sideburns
and a pompadour ♪

1254
01:13:21,375 --> 01:13:22,333
Old lady with a diaper...

1255
01:13:22,417 --> 01:13:23,333
♪ A two-pack habit ♪

1256
01:13:23,417 --> 01:13:26,875
♪ Pushing a baby stroller ♪

1257
01:13:26,959 --> 01:13:31,375
♪ My daddy
was a rock and roller ♪

1258
01:13:31,458 --> 01:13:33,458
♪ My daddy was ♪

1259
01:13:33,542 --> 01:13:36,750
♪ A rock and roller ♪

1260
01:13:36,834 --> 01:13:38,208
Oh, my God!

1261
01:13:40,625 --> 01:13:42,750
♪ My daddy was ♪

1262
01:13:42,834 --> 01:13:46,041
♪ A rock and roller ♪

1263
01:13:49,583 --> 01:13:50,834
♪ Hoo ♪

1264
01:13:54,208 --> 01:13:54,750
♪ Hoo ♪

1265
01:13:57,959 --> 01:14:00,458
♪ Hoo ♪

1266
01:14:03,458 --> 01:14:07,333
♪ Hoo ♪♪

1267
01:14:08,750 --> 01:14:12,166
♪ Or probably driving down
the street ♪

1268
01:14:12,250 --> 01:14:14,041
♪ I said we're driving ♪

1269
01:14:14,125 --> 01:14:17,125
♪ We're driving driving
driving around the street ♪♪

1270
01:14:27,375 --> 01:14:29,709
Told us that he was gonna start
working with Korn again.

1271
01:14:32,625 --> 01:14:34,208
I think we were both happy.

1272
01:14:35,125 --> 01:14:38,333
That that's where
he needed to be.

1273
01:14:38,417 --> 01:14:39,583
There was some trepidation
about...

1274
01:14:42,458 --> 01:14:44,333
can he do this?

1275
01:14:46,333 --> 01:14:48,542
So am I picking you up
in my bus, right?

1276
01:14:49,458 --> 01:14:51,709
Sorry.
You're gonna see people...

1277
01:14:51,792 --> 01:14:53,542
It wouldn't make sense
if I was doing awful

1278
01:14:53,625 --> 01:14:56,250
and he was doing good
or if he was doing awful

1279
01:14:56,333 --> 01:14:57,500
and I was doing good.

1280
01:14:57,583 --> 01:15:01,041
It's like,
this, this works for now.

1281
01:15:01,125 --> 01:15:02,625
Like, I'm cool with this.

1282
01:15:18,750 --> 01:15:22,625
There's a time
that you have to walk away

1283
01:15:22,709 --> 01:15:24,417
and you have to go...

1284
01:15:24,500 --> 01:15:27,667
and let God cleanse your soul.

1285
01:15:31,333 --> 01:15:33,417
It's like on Halloween,

1286
01:15:33,500 --> 01:15:36,583
when we get the, the pumpkins
and we scoop out all the guts

1287
01:15:36,667 --> 01:15:38,917
and that stuff, and put
the candle, that light in there.

1288
01:15:39,000 --> 01:15:43,750
He-he scooped out all that crap
out of me for eight years

1289
01:15:43,834 --> 01:15:47,667
and, and he put that light
inside of me, you know.

1290
01:15:53,875 --> 01:15:56,667
That's what needed to happen
and now I'm going back.

1291
01:15:59,250 --> 01:16:02,625
By the leading of the Lord
to my people

1292
01:16:02,709 --> 01:16:04,458
to hang out with them.

1293
01:16:18,417 --> 01:16:19,709
I'll tell you
the truth, I didn't see it,

1294
01:16:19,792 --> 01:16:21,625
and I understand
people that are concerned

1295
01:16:21,709 --> 01:16:23,417
and stuff like that, you know.

1296
01:16:23,500 --> 01:16:26,041
Some people are just hateful
and they're like,

1297
01:16:26,125 --> 01:16:28,625
"Oh, I guess the dog's
returning to his vomit."

1298
01:16:31,375 --> 01:16:32,917
I'm just being me.

1299
01:17:01,667 --> 01:17:03,000
Yeah!

1300
01:17:13,667 --> 01:17:14,834
♪ I'll never ♪

1301
01:17:14,917 --> 01:17:17,709
Oklahoma City,
you all still with us?

1302
01:17:17,792 --> 01:17:21,750
♪ I'm never gonna love again ♪

1303
01:17:24,208 --> 01:17:24,750
♪ Oh ♪

1304
01:17:27,500 --> 01:17:30,208
♪ Never never never ♪

1305
01:17:30,291 --> 01:17:31,333
Sing it!

1306
01:17:31,417 --> 01:17:35,458
♪ Aa-aa-aa-ah ♪

1307
01:17:35,542 --> 01:17:37,750
♪ I'll never love again ♪

1308
01:17:37,834 --> 01:17:40,458
♪ Never gonna have to try
to pretend ♪

1309
01:17:40,542 --> 01:17:42,166
♪ Never never never ♪♪

1310
01:17:52,125 --> 01:17:54,250
You, too. Love you, man.
Good seeing you.

1311
01:17:54,333 --> 01:17:56,375
You know how girls get
when they're teenagers.

1312
01:17:56,458 --> 01:17:58,750
Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.

1313
01:17:58,834 --> 01:18:01,250
Yeah, dude. Heck, yeah.

1314
01:18:01,333 --> 01:18:02,750
This is what happened
three and a half years ago.

1315
01:18:02,834 --> 01:18:06,417
Lord, this is not a joke,
this stuff right here.

1316
01:18:06,500 --> 01:18:09,166
You know, some people walk away,
some people laugh at this stuff,

1317
01:18:09,250 --> 01:18:11,583
I know I was one of them,
but you are so real

1318
01:18:11,667 --> 01:18:14,583
and I'm asking you right now
in front of all these people

1319
01:18:14,667 --> 01:18:16,291
that you'd become real
to these people,

1320
01:18:16,375 --> 01:18:17,417
'cause you are
the best high ever.

1321
01:18:17,500 --> 01:18:20,583
And it's about, that we are
jacked up, all of us,

1322
01:18:20,667 --> 01:18:22,166
and that we need you
to forgive us,

1323
01:18:22,250 --> 01:18:23,542
so just, so just come in

1324
01:18:23,625 --> 01:18:24,792
and let them feel forgiven,

1325
01:18:24,875 --> 01:18:27,458
let them feel brand-new
and give them wings to fly

1326
01:18:27,542 --> 01:18:29,583
the rest of their lives
in Jesus' name.

1327
01:18:29,667 --> 01:18:30,208
Amen.

1328
01:18:36,041 --> 01:18:37,458
Love you, guys. Yeah.

1329
01:18:47,709 --> 01:18:50,625
It all seems
to make sense in my mind.

1330
01:18:50,709 --> 01:18:53,291
God puts us through things

1331
01:18:53,375 --> 01:18:55,625
so we can be prepared
for the next thing.

1332
01:18:58,917 --> 01:19:02,250
He's been fathering her
over there

1333
01:19:02,333 --> 01:19:03,458
and he's gifting her

1334
01:19:03,542 --> 01:19:06,750
and she's blossoming

1335
01:19:06,834 --> 01:19:10,000
into this person that...

1336
01:19:10,083 --> 01:19:13,500
Yeah, he's teaching her
that he's-he's her father.

1337
01:19:13,583 --> 01:19:17,458
God does a lot better than me
as dad, you know.

1338
01:19:17,542 --> 01:19:18,667
But I'm her dad, too, you know.

1339
01:19:18,750 --> 01:19:21,083
I'm-I'm like little D.

1340
01:19:21,166 --> 01:19:22,959
We got the straps, okay?

1341
01:19:23,041 --> 01:19:24,542
Ally, dress is taken care of,
it's too big.

1342
01:19:24,625 --> 01:19:27,125
Um, straps for Maddy G.

1343
01:19:27,208 --> 01:19:29,250
I have always wanted this

1344
01:19:29,333 --> 01:19:32,208
in my life.

1345
01:19:32,291 --> 01:19:35,500
Normal friends, normal... home,

1346
01:19:35,583 --> 01:19:37,250
normal times where I do things.

1347
01:19:38,542 --> 01:19:40,792
I finally have it.

1348
01:19:40,875 --> 01:19:43,417
Like, I finally got
what I asked for.

1349
01:19:47,750 --> 01:19:49,000
So, Jennea, of everything

1350
01:19:49,083 --> 01:19:50,166
that's gonna happen tomorrow,

1351
01:19:50,250 --> 01:19:52,250
like, what's the one thing
that you're, like,

1352
01:19:52,333 --> 01:19:54,834
most excited about?

1353
01:19:54,917 --> 01:19:56,542
Oh, my gosh.

1354
01:19:56,625 --> 01:19:57,041
Um...

1355
01:19:59,458 --> 01:20:01,625
I think what I'm most
excited about

1356
01:20:01,709 --> 01:20:05,625
would have to be
seeing my dad.

1357
01:20:05,709 --> 01:20:07,333
Um, but...

1358
01:20:09,458 --> 01:20:11,291
I'm really excited to dance.

1359
01:21:11,041 --> 01:21:12,750
Like any other
young teenager,

1360
01:21:12,834 --> 01:21:16,166
I struggled with low self-esteem
and peer pressure.

1361
01:21:16,250 --> 01:21:18,166
Those things really took
a toll on me

1362
01:21:18,250 --> 01:21:21,750
and I found myself
at a rock bottom.

1363
01:21:21,834 --> 01:21:24,583
And words cannot express

1364
01:21:24,667 --> 01:21:26,959
how grateful I am

1365
01:21:27,041 --> 01:21:30,709
and how much growth
I have gone through

1366
01:21:30,792 --> 01:21:34,583
and how much transformation
and healing I have gone through.

1367
01:21:34,667 --> 01:21:36,667
God has completely
shown Himself to me

1368
01:21:36,750 --> 01:21:38,875
and it's been amazing.

1369
01:22:04,041 --> 01:22:07,667
You know, God allows
things to come into your life

1370
01:22:07,750 --> 01:22:09,375
to feel like
it's crushing you...

1371
01:22:10,917 --> 01:22:14,500
because it squeezes out
all of the impurities.

1372
01:22:19,208 --> 01:22:20,083
That's how you get cleaned
in your soul.

1373
01:22:24,125 --> 01:22:25,834
I see that now.

1374
01:22:27,917 --> 01:22:29,709
It is just like if you could
just hang on there,

1375
01:22:29,792 --> 01:22:31,792
just hang to watch what I do...

1376
01:22:34,583 --> 01:22:36,333
I'm gonna restore all things.

1377
01:23:51,166 --> 01:23:53,291
You guys can go home now.

1378
01:24:10,250 --> 01:24:13,000
♪ Promises that I made ♪

1379
01:24:13,083 --> 01:24:15,625
♪ You should ignore ♪

1380
01:24:17,375 --> 01:24:19,792
♪ The future that I painted ♪

1381
01:24:19,875 --> 01:24:23,792
♪ I can't afford ♪

1382
01:24:23,875 --> 01:24:25,834
♪ I know that it seems ♪

1383
01:24:25,917 --> 01:24:31,333
♪ That I left you no choice ♪

1384
01:24:31,417 --> 01:24:34,500
♪ I fell down on my knees ♪

1385
01:24:34,583 --> 01:24:39,250
♪ And I begged
your forgiveness ♪

1386
01:24:39,333 --> 01:24:42,959
♪ Consequences of a lie ♪

1387
01:24:43,041 --> 01:24:45,792
♪ Failed redemption
though I tried ♪

1388
01:24:45,875 --> 01:24:49,250
♪ Maybe someday ♪

1389
01:24:49,333 --> 01:24:52,000
♪ I'll get it right ♪

1390
01:24:53,583 --> 01:24:56,500
♪ So I'm sorry to say ♪

1391
01:24:56,583 --> 01:24:57,792
♪ I didn't want it all ♪

1392
01:24:57,875 --> 01:25:00,333
♪ Sorry to wake you ♪

1393
01:25:00,417 --> 01:25:02,375
♪ I didn't need it all ♪

1394
01:25:02,458 --> 01:25:04,583
♪ I never wanted it ♪

1395
01:25:04,667 --> 01:25:08,709
♪ To hurt ♪

1396
01:25:08,792 --> 01:25:10,083
♪ No ♪♪

1397
01:25:16,000 --> 01:25:19,834
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn!

1398
01:25:19,917 --> 01:25:23,875
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn!

1399
01:25:23,959 --> 01:25:25,959
Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn!