Shanghaied

Narrator: And now, it's time for Zora's You Wish Spectacular Special.
Pirates: Hooray!
Narrator: And now the host of You Wish. He's got puffy and better loons then Captain Kidd, and less facial hair then Black Beard. He's America's favorite Pirate, Jack of Encino.
Jack: Ahoy, fellow fanatics! Welcome to me quarters. Why don't come on back on the galley, I'm cooking up a little treat for you today. It's call-in-and-vote time. You get to choose how our cartoon ends today, via the phone, or the Internet if your technologically inclined. Now this cartoon is different from most cartoons in that-
Denzia: Bawk! In what way?
Jack: Well, If it isn't my less-than-amusing sidekick, Denzia the Animus. Denzia, say hello to the nice people.
Denzia: Help! I'm being held here against my will-- Help!
Jack: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh... Oh, Denzia come back! Denzia? Denzia? Were'd you go? Denzia, you in here, buddy?
[Then the screen reveals that Jack is in a cannon that is pointing outside the window]
Denzia: [laughs and squawking] Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
Jack: Get me out of here, you scurvy bird! [The cannon blasts Jack out and Jack screams; he lands in a neighboring house which sinks like a boat. Jack returns, still smoking from the cannon blast] Now, what was I saying? Now this cartoon ain't like most of your "land-lobbing cartoons". This cartoon has not one, not two, but three different endings! So, when I tell you to call the number their that's scrolling at the bottom of the screen... ["1-800-624-4094 or go to Nick.com" appears on the bottom of the screen (in the First 100 Episodes version it says "Yikes matey! Original 800 number as aired has been retired to Davy Jones locker!" instead). Phone starts ringing. Jack picks up phone] No, not now! Don't call 'till I tell you to! Roll the cartoon! Now, remember to vote at the end because- [More phones start to ring] Your not gonna make this easy are ya. Quiet! Vast their! Be laze that ringing! Stop! Its driving me mad!
Zora: [eating Kelp-O cereal] Mmm, Kelp-O! With one of eight essential prizes inside! [checks in the cereal box but then a giant anchor comes crashing through Zora's house] Holy shrimp! [runs out to Midnight] Midnight! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Midnight! [Midnight pokes her head through her window] Midnight! The sky had a baby!
Midnight: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! [Teruchi comes over]
Teruchi: Hey, Zora! The sky had a baby!
Zora: I know! What do you think we should name it?
Teruchi: How about...
Midnight: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope? I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! [Anchor crashes into Midnight's house] Now look what you've done!
Zora: We didn't do it, Midnight. Our hands are clean! [Zora and Teruchi show their spotless hands]
Teruchi: Clean...
Midnight: [on top of his house] Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.
Zora: Wouldn't that be the top? [Midnight starts to climb rope]
Zora: Middy, wait! Wait!
Teruchi: Midnight! [Zora and Teruchi start climbing rope also]
Narrator: A few inches later...
Zora: [points up] Ship!
Teruchi: Zora, how long are you gonna stay in your little fantasy world?
Zora: No, look, a giant ship!
Midnight: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.
Zora: I don't know, Midnight. That ship has a spooky green glow around it.
Midnight: That's probably because its good-for-nothing owner is too lazy to clean or drop its anchors in the right place.
Zora: Mid, wait! [all 3 reach the top]
Midnight: All right, who owns this crate? [notices a door that says "owner" and begins to knock on it] Come on out! I wanna file a complaint! [Zora looks around the ship]
Zora: Doesn't this place seem familiar?
Teruchi: I don't know. Why?
Zora: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell? [Midnight rings the doorbell]
Teruchi: Yes!
Zora: I know who owns this boat but I just can't place the name. [Zora walks by a barrel that says "property of Jacred"]
Jacred: Rawr!!
Zora: No, no, it's not "rawr!"
Jacred: I am Jacred!
Zora: That's it! Midnight, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!
Jacred: Who be disturbin' Jacred in his own lair?
Zora: It's Midnight. She wants to complain to you. [Jacred gives an evil look to Midnight]
Midnight: I...no, I don't.
Zora: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all? [Jacred glares angrily at Midnight]
Midnight: [laughs nervously] I never said that.
Jacred: Insultin' a man's ship be worse than insultin' his mother!
Zora: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship. [shoots fire out his nose frying up Midnight]
Midnight: [screams] Ow.
Jacred: [looks over to Zora and Teruchi] You're next!
Zora and Teruchi: [jumps off the ship] That was a close one! [land back on the ship]
Jacred: Welcome back!
Zora: [he and Teruchi scream and jump off the ship] That was a closer one! [land back on the ship]
Jacred: Welcome back! [Zora and Teruchi jump off the ship]
Midnight: Hey! How come when they act up, all they get is the welcome wagon? If you ask me, it's... [Jacred zaps Midnight while Zora and Teruchi land back on the ship]
Jacred: So, are you gonna try that again?
Teruchi: Probably. [Jacred zaps Midnight]
Jacred: How 'bout now?
Teruchi: Uhh...
Midnight: [covers Teruchi's mouth with hand] No, no, they're not. Whew. [Jacred zaps Midnight]
Jacred: Now listen. [takes out a "Levadra Rule Book"] Whosoever sets foot on Jacred's ship, uninvited or otherwise, shall become members of his dragon crew forever! [closes rule book] And, uhh [opens rule book], ever. [closes rule book]
Midnight: Will we be getting business cards?
Jacred: [zaps Midnight] Silence! You're part of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be grueling, mind- numbing, and repetitive. Just like...daytime television.
Midnight: Now you listen here, mister. If you think I'm gonna spend more than five minutes on this dumpster, then you're crazy. I mean, look at this place. It's disgusting! [shows a green jockstrap] Whoever told you that having oil lamps next to hardwood paneling was a good idea... [Jacred picks up Midnight] Oh, oh, now what? I suppose you're gonna show me... [Jacred unzips something in mid-air] Oh, gee, that's very nice. What is this, some kind of magic act? [Jacred tosses Midnight into the Fly of Despair. Midnight screams as she falls inside the Fly of Despair. Zora and Teruchi look at Midnight in a blank worried face.]
Jacred: [closes Fly of Despair] Would anyone else like to enter the "Fly of Despair"?
Zora: No! We know our place now, Mister Jacred.
Teruchi: We'll do anything you say!
Jacred: Then, for starters, you can...swab the deck! [hands them a mop and a bucket]
Zora: Look, Teruchi! A real, live, dragon mop!
Teruchi: And I got this hat!
Jacred: Listen! We're heading down to Xephixir tonight for a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good and scary!
Zora: You mean you want it to look good...and scary. Well, I think we can probably...
Teruchi: No, no, I think he means he wants it to look so good that it's scary.
Zora: Or maybe that by looking so scary you forget that it doesn't look good!
Teruchi: I don't get it.
Zora: Look, it's easy, it simply means that...
Jacred: Never mind what it means! I just want it to look scary! That's it! You know, mold growing on the ceilings and bugs in the sink.
Zora: So, you don't want it to look good?
Jacred: Get moving! [Zora and Teruchi start mopping]
Zora and Teruchi: [singing, while sweeping with the mop and bucket] A sailor's life is a wonderful life / A wonderful life for sure!
Jacred: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! [howls like a wolf]
Zora: [screams]
Teruchi: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!
Jacred: [howls like a wolf]
Zora: [screams]
Teruchi: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! [Jacred going to howl again but Teruchi cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle- eedle-eedle! [Jacred going to howl again but Teruchi cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle! [Jacred going to howl again but Teruchi cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle!
[Very long and awkward silence]
Jacred: Eh, that'll do. Okay, High One, since Green One's working the navigation, it's up to you to find our first victim. Here, use this spyglass. Now hurry up! We're burnin' moonlight!
Zora: Let's see who we can find. [spins telescope on ground] Captain, there's a guy we can scare. [telescope points to Ranthael then Jacred blows on the telescope spinning it a little to land on a little kid]
Katarina: I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three.
Jacred: Ahh, it does me heart good to see children out after dark. Green One, take us behind those rocks.
Teruchi: Moving behind the rocks! [ship moves scratches and tears up through the rocky parts of the sea]
Zora: Keep going. You're good. You're good. You're good...and...stop. Don't worry, Captain, we'll buff out those scratches.
Jacred: All right, never mind it. Just jump out when I give the signal. [Jacred scares Katarina from behind a rock]
Jacred: Boo! Prepare to be burdened with the haunting memory of my scary dragon pirates! [points to Zora and Teruchi who just get confused]
Zora: Was that the signal? Okay, sorry, sorry, just...just do it again.
Jacred: With the haunting memory of my scary dragon pirates! [Zora and Teruchi come out and Zora does a little trick with his fingers]
Teruchi: How does he do that?
Jacred: Get back on the ship.
Zora and Teruchi: It's still a mystery!
Katarina: Those guys are dorks.
Jacred: Yes, but they're my dorks. [goes back to showing Zora and Teruchi steering through the rocks tearing up the ship]
Zora: You're good. You're good. You're good. [Jacred goes through Xephixir terrorizing citizens while Zora and Teruchi do stupid tricks. Later shown the ship is still getting wrecked] You're good. You're good. You're good. [Jacred goes through Xephixir terrorizing citizens while Zora and Teruchi do stupid tricks. Later shown the ship is still getting wrecked] You're good.. You're good. You're good. [Jacred scares another citizen while Zora and Teruchi figure- skate in purple tights. back on the ship] Why do you think the Jacred asked us to wait in our bunk room?
Teruchi: Maybe he's gonna give us a reward!
Zora: Like movie passes?
Teruchi: Or an oversized coffee mug?! [both start bouncing insanely]
Jacred: I've been thinking. Stop bouncing! [both stop] This whole crew for eternity thing isn't working out. It's not really you so much as it is me.
Zora: You're setting us free?
Jacred: Well, actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! [Zora and Teruchi scream]
Teruchi: Wait, I have an idea!
Zora: Really?! What is it?
Teruchi: Let's leave!
Zora: But the door is locked and the only way out is through the...perfume department. [points to a room full of perfume and customers]
Teruchi: Let's do it. [they try to run through the department but get sprayed with all sorts of perfume]
Zora: I always hate going in there!
Teruchi: Yeah.
Zora: [hears something strange] Wait! Listen! [Jacred is in his room]
Jacred: Dear Diary: I told them I'm going to eat them tomorrow. I made up some of that brown sauce my cousin showed me just for the occasion. Ahh, it's a good thing I found my dining sock again. Remember the last time I lost me dining sock, I couldn't eat for a whole week. Yes, sir, sometimes I wonder how I'd survive if anything should ever happen... [notices sock is gone and pops out in front of Zora and Teruchi] Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!
Zora: Never!
Jacred: Ok, then... [tries to zap Zora but Zora holds up the sock as protection] Give it to me!
Zora: No! [Sock begins to tear]
Jacred: Wait, you're stretching out the elastic!
Teruchi: It would seem we have reached an impasse.
Jacred: Green one is right. Tell you what. You give me back the sock, and I'll give you...three wishes.
Teruchi: Make it five.
Jacred: Four.
Teruchi: Three. Take it or leave it.
Jacred: Ok...uhh, three. You get three wishes.
Zora: Wow! Three wishes, Ter. Isn't that great?
Teruchi: Wishes? I wish we had known that earlier! [clock goes backwards one minute]
Jacred: Okay, you got two wishes left. [Teruchi smiles with embarrassment at an angry Zora]
Zora: Well, we still have two more. How exciting! I wish Midnight were here to see this! [falls through a hole in the Fly Of Despair and crashes onto his bed]
Midnight: Boy, I'm glad all that's over! [re-appears on the ship]
Zora and Teruchi: Midnight! You're back!
Zora: Guess what? The Jacred gave us three wishes! Teruchi used the first one, and I guess I... [realizing] just used the second one.
Midnight: Well, then, the last one you owe me because you got me back into this mess!
Teruchi: Wait! I think it belongs to me! [everyone starts to argue] Because I didn't really get a real wish, so why should you get a wish...
Zora: Well, that's not right because... [their arguing devolves into incoherent yelling, babbling and shouting]
Jacred: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the eeny- meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and...
Voting Guy: All hands! All hands! Its time to vote! Its voting time!
Jack: Well, that's our cartoon so far. Now its time for you to decide how it ends! Who will get the last wish? Will it be, Sassy Midnight, Porky Teruchi, or Good 'Ol Zora. ["Just dial the number below: 1-800-624-4094 or go to Nick.com and tell us who you be choosing" appears on the bottom of the screen (again, in the First 100 Episodes version it has been changed to "Yikes matey! Original 800 number as aired has been retired to Davy Jones locker!")] My trusty crew, is eagerly awaiting your call. So, hoist your anchor of that couch, and make with the voting! This is your big chance, And we'll be right back to announce, the winner! [Cuts To Commercials, then "That's it, kids! Keep them coming! It's almost time! Keep those votes in! Ha Ha Ha! WHOO! Democracy! Ha Ha Ha! WHOO! This is Jack, please hold. Denzia's not here. Well, not yet. HA HA HA HA!!!!!" appears on screen (in the First 100 Episodes version, this text was removed entirely)] Ahoy children, I'm back! I hope all you boys and girls got your votes in, because its time for you to walk the plank! [Screen reads: PLEASE STAND BY] Oh, sorry, kids. What I meant to say because it's time to announce the winner! [blows horn] But first, let's look at the endings you didn't choose. According to our high tech counter ology, You didn't choose, Teruchi. [An image of Teruchi is shown, with a skull in front of him.] But, let's see what Teruchi would've wished for if you picked him. OK! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the- oh gaw!
Jacred: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [Stops on Teruchi.]
Zora: That's you, Teruchi. Make your wish.
Teruchi: Uhh...
Midnight: Wait, Teruchi, listen. I do not particularly feel like being trapped here for all eternity. Eternity is a very long time, understand?!
Zora: Teruchi, you've got to think harder than you've ever thought before.
Teruchi: Uhh...
Zora: That's not gonna do it! Think harder!
Teruchi: Uhh...
Midnight and Zora: Come on! Come on, Teruchi! Yeah! Put on your thinking cap!
Teruchi: Uhh... [Inside Teruchi's eye is a toaster that brings up some toast.] Okay! I've got it.
Jacred: Thou wish is granted.
Teruchi: [Chewing on gum.] Oh, I'm sorry. Want some gum? [Zora and Midnight are shocked.]
Midnight: You wished for gum?
Teruchi: Well, if we're gonna be here forever, we might as well have fresh breath!
[Each take a piece of gum. Later, we see Jacred with a big belly.]
Zora: Come on, mister, let us out! Don't be so mean! Don't be so fatty!
Teruchi: Aaaah! Let us out!
Jacred: Ahh, minty.
Jack: Heh heh heh. That Teruchi shivers me timbers right down to my peg leg! Ha! ha! ha! You were right not to pick that one kids! Seemed like a lot of nonsense to me! Molarchy! Oh well, let's take a look at the other loser! Heh heh heh! [An image of Midnight is shown, with a skull in front of her.] It appears you didn't vote for Midnight. I don't blame you, I wouldn't have either! But, let's see what would happen if the Old Jacred's Eeny-Minie-Mo finger landed on Midnight!
Jacred: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [Stops on Midnight]
Zora: Midnight, you get a wish! A great big wish!
Midnight: That's right! And you know what I wish?
Teruchi: No!
Midnight: I wish that I had never met you two barnacle-heads before in my entire life!
Jacred: So be it.
Zora: Hi there, I don't believe we've met. My name is Zora, and this is my associate Teruchi.
Teruchi: Hi.
Midnight: That's not what I meant!
Jacred: Well, now that introductions are out of the way, it's time for dinner [Jacred appears with a big belly]
Zora: And what did you say your name was?
Midnight: I'm Midnight. I'm your neighbor.
Zora: Oh, nice to meet you, Mid-Night. [Tries to pronounce it right] We'll have plenty of time to get to know each other, I guess. [Laughs.]
Jack: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, So get ready to blow milk out of your nose because its time to announce, the winner! The envelope please Denzia. Thank you, my fine winged assistant. Well what do you know? The winner is, Zora! [A flag is shown with Zora with the words "Winner" on the left side, Jack blows his nose] Hey, Denzia, do you smell something? Oh, Denzia! That fuse in your head! I told you we're not doing that stunt!
Denzia: Brawk, I didn't get the memo! Brawk! [Denzia blows up along with Jack; Jack coughs up a feather and recovers from the blast]
Jack: And now, the most requested ending! Hooray! [Denzia collapses to the floor]
Jacred: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on Zora]
Midnight: Now, think, Zora! We're about to get eaten. What can you wish for to make it so we don't get eaten?
Zora: Don't worry, Midnight. I've got it all figured out. He won't be able to eat us because...I wish Jacred was a vegetarian! [Jacred turns into a vegetarian and Zora, Teruchi, and Midnight re-appear in front of Zora's house but you can only see their heads]
Zora, Teruchi, and Midnight: Hooray!
Zora: We're home!
Teruchi: You did it, Zora. We're saved!
Midnight: But why have we been turned into fruits? [their bodies have been turned into fruits and they are in a blender]
Jacred: Hey, I get a wish too. Fruit prevents scurvy! [Zora, Teruchi, and Midnight bounce away in the blender] Hey, get back here with that! [Jacred chases them around the ship, which is now a hippie-themed Volkswagen with a main mast.
Jack: [Jack is shown sitting at the counch crying] Hold on! Sorry about that kids! Its just that old Jack can't help but get all choked up at the end of a show. But the good news is, when you watch this cartoon land-lobbing style like you usually do, it'll have the ending you picked, so now you’re an official big time cartoon decision maker! [Cuts to a bunch of monkeys at a zoo] Just don't let it go to your head! Well, say good night to the folks Denzia! Denzia!
Denzia: Sqwuak! I quit! I quit!
Jack: Ohhh! Oh, that's it folks! Right now I got a little employee management to take care of! Oh, Denzia! Denzia, get in your nice cage! Denzia I'm not kidding!
Narrator: And so, we conclude Zora's You Wish Spectacular Special! Thanks for voting!
Jack: [Bite sound's heard] OW!