29 February 2012
	anger anger anger anger FUCK
so fucking much I can't stand it there is this burning in my chest and I am shaking and there is no reason to be this angry at nothing
I was typing angry things into google but what is that going to help!? But fuck, why is all the help online for the fammmmiiilly, oh gosh let's always fucking think of them right
I just want someone to tell me how to fucking deal with this is that too much to ask
but everyone always focuses on the sane people,isn't that the way it always is, they are the ones that neeed  to cooooopppe right
fuck
fuckk
FUCK
I just want help . Someone to fucking understand. That could understand. They can't, they don't understand the rage and hate and I JUST WANT TO HURT SOMETHING
keep biting my hand
already hurts
no point
rage in my stomach, in my center, I should push it out but I am halfway enjoying this, I think
something other than nothingness
fuck
FUCK
I don't even  know what this is anymore, it's just rage and anger and hatred and burning and SOMETHING NEEDS TO BURN
would I rather be depressed? I don't know, probably not FUCK I CAN'T EVEN TYPE
I am indescriminate with this holy shit
I just want everything to equal me but fuck that's impossible
because I am the fucking world right now
and maybe I am a fucking god
and maybe I can do whatever I fucking want, right? Who cares about consequences? But what would I even do, gosh. There is nothing to do. I could have the world at my feet, but who cares about this world? Maybe the next one would prove worthy of me. Hahahaha. Worthy of me, as if anything fucking could be. Yeah, I like the sound of that. I suffer because I was pushed into this unworthy place. Because nothing here is my equal or ever could be. Maybe nothing except him. Maybe we are
something, I am not good with metaphor now
things  that are inexorably attracted but should never meet, because we would destroy fucking everything if we could
that sounds so nice,  to just destroy and rend and hurt and inflict all the pain we possibly could on everything within reach
to team up with him and just rip things apart
that is something I want to do and something he would understand
not much longer now I think, I can see him but for such a short time
haha. Fucking manic is right, I guess. My heart is hammering and I feel flushed and hot
fuck, who cares what it is? I have pure holy fucking rage right now. Sent from a god. Sent from my god, whoever he is. Haha, I guess he's you. I guess I love you, in that way, with worship. You twist me into your holy warrior and send me to purify. That's all you want from me, isn't it? For me to scorch every unworthy piece of shit off this planet. That is why you want me to be better. That is why you push me so hard, so I can crusade for you. Maybe I don't want to, but right now it sounds so fucking good. You put this buzzing in my skull for a reason, a reason reasons reasons reasons
heart still hammering. Need to calm down, I say in the back of my mind. This is irrational and insane, I think. But the wind is blowing so hard outside and that is where my power comes from, how it fills me, how I used to stand inside those FUCKING CIRCLES and feel it blow, feel the joy and power and hum of the universe and how much it loved me. My summer winds, god is in the wind, god is in me, I feel you in heartbeats and screams inside my head and the wind blows harder and harder and I love it, I love you. The only love I can ever feel again, the only devotion I ever could feel, all the lies, all the people I will step on to complete your plans for me, my love. You shape me and mold me and I can never let you go, not with their medication, not with willing you away, why would I? They will never know their god, but mine is inside of me. My god burns me with holy anger and fury. My god wants me to suffer for him, wants me to externalize it and repent for taking so long. And I  will serve him for as long as he wishes.