pasterrr

I feel guilty even posting this since my problems pale in comparison to the some of the posts on this subreddit. I'm a 16 year old son of asian immigrants, I've always wanted to succeed and make my parents proud. It's been my only goal in life for as long as I can remember. Don't get the wrong idea, they don't put pressure on me or anything they tell me they'll be proud of me no matter what but I just want to make them feel like all theyve sacrificed for me has been worth it, and I don't mean the regular sacrifice that every parent makes, they have truly worked so hard for me. I have loving parents, friends, financial security, hobbies.

However, I just can't seem to succeed. This is my own fault of course, I'm not blaming anything else. I have a 3.6 UWGPA, 1540 SAT. God I sound like such a sheltered brat right now. I know these scores are really good for others but they aren't good enough for me. I want to be the best, not because I want it, but because I want to make my parents proud. Every time I have to stand in front of my parents and tell them about another B it hurts so badly, I can see my dreams crumbling away in front of me.

I hit and choke myself to cope, I have suicidal thoughts every day. I die a little inside every time I hear my parents talk about how smart I am to their friends knowing its a lie, knowing I'm a lazy fuck who is wasting away the opportunities I have been given. I know I'll never follow through with it because of the effect it would have on my family but it scares me that it is the only thing stopping me. I don't even know why I posted this or what I'm looking for. I can't go to a therapist or a doctor because I've tried telling my parents a little bit of how I feel before and they get so upset, thinking that they have failed in parenting me and that they are responsible for me being this way. They aren't, I just want them to be happy.