Thread 57: Stories 31-45

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>18
"???"
~~

>Okay! I'm up to publicly hugging him, and Cadence didn't freak or anything! Progress! I need to keep the ball rolling, me!

But how are you going to do that?

>Easy! I just have to strike while the iron is hot, and figure out a way to ask her NOW!

Sounds great! But how are you going to do that?

>That's why I need to find someone to ask how to go about that!

So you can blame them?

>What? No!

I think you should do it so you can blame them.

>That's not what I want!

But it'll be awesome!

>What!? Why would that be awesome!?

The look on their face would be priceless!

>But... but that means I'm asking them to FAIL and then blame them!

...and?

>Damn it, me! You're better than this! You're smart!

No I'm not, I'm rather stupid, but you wouldn't notice since you're just as stupid. We're equally as stupid.

>But... wait, then how would you know if I don't know?

...Snapdragons.

>Snapdragon? The fuck is a snapdr- OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, DISCORD!

*POP*

"I REGRET NOTHING!"

*Vacuum sound*

>...Wait, why-

"Because you suck."

>GO FUCK A CACTUS!

"You leave my mother out of this!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

~~~

Back again.

Back to the door leading to that office, the sanctum from which she battled the inanity of all of Equestria. The door leading to her dreaded office.

Needless to say, she wasn't looking forwards to this.

It had been heartbreaking to go back down to Sweet Apple Acres just to tell them goodbye, but she knew she had spent enough time away as it was. They had given her all of their love as she went away once more, the declaration that she would always have a home as fresh as it had been when she left as a filly so very long ago. She missed them already, even gone but a mere few minutes. But, of course, Equestria was in need of assistance, especially in times such as these. As such, she had to resign herself to steeling her nerves, and throwing her door open to get back to work.

The smell that entered her nostrils surprised her, but in retrospect it probably shouldn't have. The sweet, cool open air wafted among her sensed, bringing back a stark reminder of what she had done back when the invasion hit.

...Specifically, blowing her wall clear off.

Admittedly, someone had been kind enough to drape a tarp over that, but it was still quite visible. Thankfully, aside from that, the room seemed quite in tact. In fact, it looked rather tidy. Way too tidy, someone had clearly cleaned up all of the stray papers and wrecked furniture, and left it looking spotless, if rather bare.

Well, mostly bare.

"ARF! ARF!"

"...Winona!?"

The mare stared gobsmacked at the dog as it leapt to her, playfully licking her face. She had assumed her pet had run off when the zombies had struck or something, because she sure wasn't in this room during her whole breakdown.

"Wha-who-how in tarnation are you still here!?"

Sure enough, she spotted a dog bowl over on the side the desk, coupled with a bowl for water and even a leash hanging up next to her.

"Who..."

There was a rustling behind her, the distinct sound of a bag being dragged along the floor scraping by.

"APPLEJACK!"

She heard that bag hit the ground before she could even turn around, and subsequently felt something hit her back along with it. A very familiar feeling of legs.

Many... many legs.

Way more legs than should be.

"You're back!"

Her beloved pet growled, and instantly jumped past the mare, biting onto the first spider-leg appendage she could find.

"WINONA!"

"N-no! It's fine! We're just playing! We play like this every time I feed her, it's fine!"

Despite the somewhat forced looking smile, her pet's continued growls as she dangled from the leg told her that she hadn't yet gotten over her issues with the spider-ling.

"Have... have ya'll been feedin' her?"

"Yeah! I mean, she was scratching at the door after you left, and I couldn't just leave her here, so we became best buddies, right Winova!"

The dog's only response was to growl louder, and claw at her with swinging paw.

"Right!"

"...Her name's Winona. WinoNA."

"...Huh. I feel silly."

Despite this, Applejack found herself smiling.

"Thanks, Sugarcube."

"It's fine! I mean... you know, I'm pretty much the same, if you didn't let me in and feed me, I'd be alone still too."

She chose not to comment on that. Instead simply patting her on the head, and moving towards the door.

"Down, Winona."

She let go in an instant, already at her master's side in the span of a single second.

"Applejack? What're you going to do-"

As if summoned on cue, a guard ushered in, pushing along a cart absolutely stacked with paperwork, far taller than even he himself was. Without a word, he dropped it off, and left.

"...Oh. So does this mean it's going to go back to the way it was?"

Something about that resonated with her. A pang in her chest, a ringing in her head, all the dryness in her mouth... it was just as she remembered it.

She prepared to say yes, that it would.

It would go back to as it was, with her working hard and long hours, and they would hopefully get better so long as she did so.

She prepared to say this, but never got the chance.

For a desk had just soared into her office from the wall behind her, and landed with a resounding CRASH within the room.

"WOOOO! I TOLD YOU ALL I COULD GET IT IN ONE SHOT! TOLD YOU SO TOLD YOU SO!"

"Darling, we didn't doubt you COULD, we were asking you why you think you SHOULD"

"Because look at this!"

Another desk flung through, tearing apart what little had remained of the tarp that had been there before and leaving the wall barren.

"That was awesome!"

"You could have hit Applejack!"

"...Nah."

So many questions rang through her head.

For starters, why another desk had flung through.

"See? Hey! Applejack? Did I hit you?"

She would have responded, really.

But the crash of yet another desk told her it was not meant to be.

"HEY!"

"It wasn't me!"

"S-sorry... I was just trying to pick it up..."

"PHENOMENAL CHAOS POWERS, FLUTTERSHY! Think you should be a LITTLE more restrictive!"

"I'm trying!"

"You know what? Just let me, okay! Just let me!"

Yet another desk came in, but this one came in a burst of light, phased through reality.

"Well excuse me for not having a horn!"

"..."

"Point taken, Fluttershy, stop glaring."

Thankfully, with that, the furniture assault ended.

The assault of ponies flying through the hole in her wall, on the other hoof, had only just begun.

As one, the other five dove in, and already went to work tearing apart her stack of paperwork. Divvying it up among them.

"Alright, we know the deal right?"

"Air control and airforce stuff gets sent my way."

"Anything regarding sciences or education gets sent over here."

"Anything regarding events for the wealthy or taxation towards massive businesses comes to me, darling."

"I'm handling permits and permissions for parties, get togethers, conventions or parades!"

"Oh, and I have to handle the wildlife and forestry paperwork to make sure nobody hurts any of the animals."

"That just leaves agricultural and city planning!"

"Sweet! Think we can make Luna the princess of roads or something?"

"HA! Fat chance!"

"HAH! Fat, because her hiney is huge."

"PINKIE! How ghastly!"

"YOU WERE THINKING IT!"

"But a lady never SAYS it!"

In an absolute hurricane of activity, they placed their paperwork atop the desks they did not even bother to re-arrange, letting them sit where they had landed while lively chatting with each other without missing a beat.

"Cripes, this stuff is everywhere!"

"Yeah, no kidding. Wow, someone has been slacking off, hint hint."

"In my defense, I don't know what half of this means."

"Yes, darling, that's why we'll have to educate you."

"Does that mean you know?"

"...yes, darling, that's why Twilight and Celestia will have to educate you."

"HAHA!"

"Shut up, Pinkie!"

"Hey! I know how to do this stuff, my daddy showed me everything when he wanted me to take over the business! I know how to file permits and... oh! I should probably handle the railroad stuff too!"

"Good call. So, what're you all feeling for lunch? Hayburgers?"

"Twilight, you have a problem."

"AT LEAST MINE WON'T GIVE ME DIABETES!"

"...Can we get diabetes?"

"No idea!... Hrm."

"NO!"

"But the science!"

In all the hustle and bustle, the apple-loving mare just barely registered the last stack of paper being dropped on her desk by a pair of very familiar claws.

Her head whipped around, bringing her face to face with a surprisingly meek looking purple face.

"...S-still need an assistant, Applejack? I have some pretty good recommendations."

She slowly started to beam, warmth spreading across her cheeks.

She didn't need to answer him, both knew this. He just got right to work helping her out, and that was that.

"No, Ah' don't think it's gonna be the same."

"...Applejack? Who are you talking to?"

She snapped out of her reverie, blinking awkwardly at the question.

"What'cha mean? Ah'm talkin' to... ARANA!"

Every eye slowly trailed over to where the very first desk had been thrown.

And the couple of spider-legs poking out from the edges.

"...Whoops."

"I-I'm okay! Totally fine! And look, I even saved Winona!"

To punctuate this, she held up one of her legs, one with said dog hanging off of it. In response, the dog just growled, and chewed the chitin a little more.

There was only a touch of awkwardness as Dash moved the desk away, and let the Spider-ling crawl out from behind it.

"Dash! I can't believe you!"

"I'm sorry!"

"That was so irresponsible, she could have been hurt!"

"I'm sorry, I said!"

"Not good enough!"

"Oh, come on Twi, like you've never done something irresponsible!"

"Maybe not, but not as bad as-"

BOOOOOOOM!

They all went stock still, slowly turning around once more to look out the gaping hole in the wall, and looking at what had just stumbled out into the courtyard.

"BLOOOMIN HELL! WITCHCRAFT! WITCHCRAFT! THIS AIN'T RIGHT!"

The mare clinging atop the massive machine that sped through the streets was by far the least of their worries.

"HA HA! TWIENCE PRINCESS, THERE IS NO MORE NEED TO FIX VEKIR'S SUIT! VEKIR HAS FOUND BETTER SUIT! NOW VEKIR IS HEAD OF METAL! ALL LISTEN TO VEKIR!"

"This ain't riiiiiight!"

With that, they sped away, off to who knows where.

"...I would like to point out I had no idea that the core was active."

They all laughed at the lavender alicorn's bright blushing, and meek face.

With little more than a mumble, she pulled a remote from her mane and pressed the massive button on the front.

They could not see the result, of course-

"NOOO! VEKIR HAS BROKEN ALL SHE LOVES AGAIN! IT KEEPS HAPPENING!"

"That's what ya' get fer' summonin' giant metal monsters! Ah' HATE giant metal monsters, don't care if that's racist!"

"NOOOOO!"

-but they had a pretty good idea.

"...Whoops."

The laughter increased, reaching an deafening level filled with shoves and smiles, before at last they could laugh no more, and started to get to work.

And as she looked to them all, head bowed but still chatting away, her little changeling helper taking a spot in the corner, and her precious dragon once more by her side, a new thought came to Applejack.

A good one.

"...Yeah... this time's gonna be different."

Only Spike heard her.

"Hope so, with the guard shortage we need something to start getting better."

"...Wait, what?"

They all froze, and then looked to her.

With a look that told her an awful lot what that 'what' was.

...Okay, maybe it wouldn't be totally different...

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>Blueblood
"Haymaker"
~~~~

>...She's been avoiding me.

The guard watching him scrub the floor said nothing, wasn't really much besides a shrug he could do.

>Why do you suppose that is?

"Dunno."

>...Do you think she knows I plan to peel every one of those blasted spuds in front of her? I do plan on doing that.

"Maybe."

>...It's probably not that.

"Probably feels bad about running out on us."

>I'd accept an apology, I know better than most that it's possible to do something stupid for stupid reasons.

"Dunno. Maybe she's just beating herself up about it. You know how 'loner' she gets."

>I suppose so...

"... You missed a spot."

>Thank you.

"Heh."

>What?

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Just saying, don't worry about it. She'll come around if she comes around, and if not that's her call. She's a big mare. Things can get better, still."

>...I suppose so...

"Missed another spot."

>Are you enjoying this?

"Only a little. Only a little."

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Celestia
“Shiny”
____

>Have I ever told you how cute you are when you get like this? When you get overcome with the need to prove your muscle mass when you're clearly the biggest heart out there?

“Come on, ‘Tia, be serious here….”

>Oh but I am! Utmost serious princess is serious!

“…”

>Pft, I’m sorry, it’s just… what do you think will come of this, Shiny?

“I bet I can move your alabaster ass by at least an inch.”

>Charming. And so what do I get if you can’t move all this gloriousness?

“…that seriously sounded like something Chrysalis would’ve said.”

>Close, but I made it sound more refined.

“True. And because I’m so assured of my victory, I’ll let you choose whatever you wa-”

>I want to sit on Shiny’s lap for one whole undisturbed hour.

“…Oddly specific there, Sunhorse.”

>I just know what I want, bubblehorse.

“Well, so long as my crotch doesn’t catch fire-"

>No guarantees, it’s been awhile.

“-then that’s fine. Let me just get this rope around your hoof annnnd… alright, there we go.”

>Oh help, I’ve been caught by the dreaded Shiny! Oh whatever will such a weak and meager princess such as myself due under his powerful onslaught? He could do just about anything to me and I'd just have to lie here and take it!

“…”

>…From the way you’re looking, is it safe to assume I’ve inadvertently touched upon an earlier fantasy of sorts?

“I plead the fifth."

>I bet you do.

"Now then, ready?”

>As ready as I’ll ever be, you adorable thing, you.

“Alright, Shiny, you can do this. One... two... Hnnngh!”

>Was that a serious try, dear?

“GRRRNNH!”

>I can just about count the veins in your neck.

“MRRRRRPH!”

>Shiny, Shiny, he’s the one, if he can’t do, the bet I’ve won!

“GRAAAAAAGH!”

>Hey, my hoof twitched! …Oh wait, no, muscle spasm.

“FFFFFMMGH!”

>You’re going to wind up snatching out your teeth at this rate, Shiny.

“GAH! I give up! I- what’re you made of, unobhoofium?!”

Smiling, the princess chose not to answer, merely approaching the winded stalling to nuzzle his cheek.

>I’m made of victory. Now, if I were you, I’d find a comfy spot to sit it on because when my booty drops, it’s dropping for an hour.

“…Strangely, I’m not even mad.”

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Non-canon
>Pinkie
"Twilight"
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that the best part of staying up is reading some Pinkie stuff! ...It was bothering me last night. Now for our main guest...TWILIGHT SPARKLE!!!

"I'm happy to be-"

>The question for tonight is when are you going back to making stuff?

"Well after-"

>And that's it for tonight!

"But-"

>Whoops, looks like our producer wants to add in an extra question! Twilight, are you going to join Shining Armor's harem for some wincest?

"WHAT!?!"

>Uh oh, that's a wrap folks! Join us next time for-

"Pinkie, I've been hearing from the others that you've been messing with their dreams. Is this one of them?"

>What? Me? No, clearly that's Princess Luna's domain and...hey look some books are burning. You should wake up and take care of that.

Twilight wakes up to the smell of burning books.
>PINKIEEEEE!!!

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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Celestia'
~~~~

>You see this? This is why everyone thinks we're crazy. This is the reason ponies stop and stare and go, 'hey, maybe our rulers are fucking nuts'.

"Yeah, probably."

'No denial there. However, I should note that you, as our enabler, share some of the blame.'

"Quite a lot, even. We're both mostly immortal super-beings, we can do this crazy shit. and not worry about dying."

'Well, mostly. Take off my head and I'm pretty sure that's it for me.'

"Yeah, probably. I have more power than you, and I'd still die if someone squashed me flat or something. Proven!...Not with me, but you get the drift."

'You do not have more power than me!'

"..."

'ONE TIME! One time you beat me!'

"..."

'...Shut up and scooch your smaller-than-mine ass over.'

"IT IS NO- well, okay, it totally is. You win that round."

>Right, point is, this stuff is crazy.

"Yeah, but we could get crazier."

>I would like to know what YOU feel is crazier than this. Which, you know what? I am just going to say out loud.

"We know what we're doing."

>I know, obviously, but I feel like our eyes can't match what this will be like when I say it out loud... a-hem... we have placed a toboggan, which as you know is a sled who's main job is 'go fast', here, at the edge of Canterlot. In addition to that, we have placed a large, a LARGE amount of explosives behind us. Now, we have calculated that we are far enough away we will not hurt the city, but we have also calculated that this bomb is going to shoot us several times the speed of sound. We are going to put up a shield, detonate that bomb, and TURN THIS TOBOGGAN INTO A BULLET. What, oh dear Celestia what, could we POSSIBLY DO CRAZIER!?

'Stop using my name like that...'

"You really wanna know?"

>YES!

"You REALLY want to know?

>YESSS!

"We could do all of that while having sex, and try to time orgasm for when the bullet hits that stack of padding we laid out where this is going to land."

>....

"..."

>...fine, you win, that's crazier.

"HAH!... Soooo-"

>No.

"DAMN!"

'Enough talk, LIGHT IT!'

"You know, we probably could have used you to light it."

'...Huh. Yeah, we-'

>NO!

'I wasn't agreeing with her on THAT, just that it would have wor-... uh, who lit that?'

>...
"..."
'...'

{Have a nice trip!}

>DAMN IT DISCOR-

*BOOOOOOOOOM*

>AHHHHH!
"WHEEEEE!"
'WHEEEEHEHEHEHEEEEEE!'

{You didn't have to type out the sound effects. They got it.}

Shut up.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
[Siegfried]
~~~~

[...I take back everything I ever said about the ponies. EVERY. WORD...]

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Pommel
"Pommel's Mom"
'Pommel's Dad'
-Pommel's Sister-
~Pommel's Uncle~

>Well...guess this is it.

The Baltimare train station was a flurry of activity all around the young guard and his family. The day up to this point had been a blur of saying goodbye to family members and aquaintances in much the same way the past few days had been spent informing them he was not, in fact, dead.

"You'll come visit, right?"

>Of course, the only reason I didn't visit earlier was the whole journey home thing.

His mother hugged him tight, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Be careful, honey."

>Always am.

His father offered a hoof, which Pommel shook firmly...which is weird considering it was essentially pressing two flat surfaces together.

'Do us proud, son.'

Pommel nodded in reply, smiling then letting out an oof as his chest was slammed against by his sister. The small filly wrapped her forelegs around his neck and clung tight.

-Never die again.-

>Nngh...wasn't planning on it...

-Oh, and tell your friend I don't have to kill him anymore!-

>Oh...crap...right. Yeah, I think that'll be a load off his mind.

The filly smiled wide and rejoined their parents, leaving only his uncle to step up, holding the antique helmet inside a glass case before himself via his magic.

~I trust it's just as you remember it.~

>Well there's a slight crack from where I headbutted the lich, but other than that...

His uncle chuckled and Pommel's own magic placed the helmet on his luggage.

~Maybe one day you'll have a troublesome little nephew with dreams of being a guard pony.~

>I'll stock up on bandages just in case.

The two shared a laugh.

~...no but seriously, send some guards down here when you can, I'm fairly certain Lost World beneath our very hooves constitutes at the very least an expedition.~

>I'll look into it once there's more of us...Love you guys.

"We love you too, honey."

'Now hurry up, you'll miss your train.'

-Send me something cool next time you have an adventure!-

~And if any of those changelings or Morlocks or other strange creatures that live in Canterlot could spare an interview, I beg you to send them my way!~

Pommel smiled, dragging his luggage behind him as he walked to the train. Towards his old job, towards his old friends, towards some very new problems. But they were problems he was bound and determined to solve.

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>Lucky Strikes
"Quicksilver"
'Steam Gash'
~~~

>Men! I'm not going to lie, we're in a pretty dire situation.

"By that you mean there's, what, fifty or so guards left?"

>More than that!

"..."

>Not MUCH more, but...

'How is this supposed to work!? This city is fucking huge!'

>...Well, actually, that's what I wanted to ask you guys. Have you actually... like, seen any crime? Anything?

"...Huh."

'Come to think of it...'

>Why do you suppose that is?

"B-because next to everyone is a unicorn in a city that has the most premier and prestigious magical school on the planet?"

'Yeah, I mean, next to nobody is on the level of Princess Twilight before she got her wings or whatever, but most citizens could probably blast you.'

"Also, dunno if you noticed, RICH, AS, FUCK. Everyone here is LOADED."

>...Huh.

"Like, massively loaded."

'...Hey, you guys worried that most of our highest economically well-off in a single city that is constantly under attack is cause for concern?'

"They do own most of the businesses..."

>...Nah, it's probably fine.

"Yeah. Probably fine."

'Probably.'

>....Fuck.

"WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >18
"??"
~~

>Rassa frass stupid chaosguy. I could probably do whatever I wanted if I had chaos-majigger powers too. Would be awesome.

"Fluttershy would disagree."

>GAH!

The dragon carrying a platter full of tiny cakes just shrugged, nonplussed.

"You look distracted."

>You know? I kind of am... OH! WAIT! You're perfect!

"Giving up on Shiny for me? Self esteem, I missed you so."

>HAH! No!

"..."

>I swear I did not mean for that to come out as harsh as it did. It's just, well, if that was ever an option before, it's not anymore!

"...Come again?"

>Oh, not up to speed... gotta give him more time to spread that around... but Twilight's up to speed, so, yay!

"Up to speed with what?"

>Weeelllll...

~~~~~

"..."

>....

"...And you didn't mind control her."

>NO!

"Just asking! Just asking. Because wow. That, uh, that is not... very Cadence. Not that I know her all that well, I think we hung out, like... once? Sort of? I didn't even meet her before the wedding."

>Huh... well, regardless, you still fit!

"Wow, no, I do not want in on this, whatever this is."

>NO! I want advice! How do you make it work with Rarity and Applejack?

"..."

>...

"...What?"

>Aren't... aren't you three dating?

"Nooooo... not officially... we go on some personal stuff, or at least we used to, but we haven't, you know..."

>Oh... well shoot. Was hoping you could help me here. See, I'm worried that Shiny'll feel like he'll have to try to evenly distribute this among us both and is worried he'll show favoritism and make one feel lesser or something, or do something to one that'll irrevocably destroy the relationship between us or something out of fear me and Caddy will turn this into some kind of contest, pitting once-friends against each other in a battle for affection that could ruin every relationship. See my fear? I'm trying to present this to Cadence so she DOESN'T-... uh..

"..."

>...You uh... you went a little pale right there.

"..."

>...Spike? You okay-

*CLICK!*

>SPIKE NO!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Actarius
"JJ"
'Random Changelings'
~~~

>Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of this!

"...T-h... the hang of this? You don't get the hang of it, either you do it or you don't."

>No no! There's a finesse to this! You just need to get exactly the right stance, and then BAM!

"...Just one bam?"

>The repeated BAM's were implied. You obviously have to do a lot of bams before you finish. And now I've figured out the exact position to stand in to make it last as long as possible before I collapse!

"You are lasting a lot longer than normal..."

>Hah! Damn right! This is a workout! Going again!

"Already? How can you be ready to go again so soon!?"

>SHEER FORCE OF WILL, JUGGLE BUDDY! Let's do this!

"Well, who am I to say no! Let's go!"

>YES!... DO IT!

'FACEPUNCH!'

*BAM!*

'...Still standing!'

'WOOOOO! I win half a bit!'

'DAMN!'

'AGAIN! AGAIN!'

"You okay?"

>FOR GLORY!

'FACEPUNCH!'

*BAM!*

"Huh... and I thought taking hard ones to the face was supposed to be what *I* did."

'...'

"Because changeling."

'Oh, right, that makes sense. Weird world.'

"Weird indeed."

'FACEPUNCH!'

*BAM!*

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
“???”
‘???’
[???]
*???*
~~~

>Well, whatta ya know… with all mah friends takin’ their fair share o’ the work, Ah can actually afford tuh’ walk around the castle, stretch mah hooves a bit. Ah’d almost forgotten how peaceful these halls we-

“Mare of apples! There thoust are!”

>Mare... of apples? Really? We ain’t moved past that ye-

“We seem to find ourselves in a predicament, a perilous situation wherein we must be k-kuh-k… amicable to that dreaded bug of questionable royalty!”

>Chrysalis. Y’all mean Chrysalis. An’ furthermore, why’re y’all dressed in rib-

“We present to thee a request: find some way to niggle forth information on 56’s favorite foodstuffs from her!”

>…Why can’t y’all-

‘My Princess!’

>Blue… Blueblo-

‘A thousand pardons, I don’t mean to disturb you but, uh… I seem to have lost a friend of mine and was wondering if you could-’

[You’re really crazy, Bluey, bothering the princess with something like that when we need to be figuring out the new Captain of the Guard! Finding PJ can wait!]

>An’… who’re y’all again? Name’s on the tip o’ mah tongue….

“He is unimportant, that’s what he is! Now, mare of apples, our task, yes?”

[My NAME is Haymaker, thank you very much!]

‘Canterlot has been without a Guard Captain for so long the purple dragon may as well be in charge! Just break out your claw sharpening kit and get started!’

[What’s that? Sounds like someone wants to scrub both the first AND the second floors today!]

“We’ll see you both hanging from the turrets if you’re not vanished of our sights in the next five seconds!”

*Hey, uh, Applejack Prime? Down here. I… well, I got issues three through six of my fanfic right here. I think you’ll like them a lot, ‘specially because you got the cover of the fifth issue. If you’re not busy, give it a read, lemme know what you think?*

As irate voices entered her head from every direction possible, Applejack stood with a neutral expression, staring but seeing nothing.

And then she started to sigh, smiling fondly.

For reasons she’d probably never understand, not only did the present chaos make sense to her… it was also somewhat soothing. More so than she ever remembered it being.

>Hawh, least Ah’m more mobile now….

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>007
"???"
~~~

>Okay buddy, you can do this, just-HNNNGGGG!

The changeling openly flinched as he began to slowly step, wincing painfully as he moved.

>Oooookay, this was a dumb idea. This was all of the dumb.

"Yes, it was."

He froze, hoof dangling pathetically in the air as his head slowly turned over to the source of the voice.

A voice coming from a pony.

A pony currently sitting in the visitors chair in his room.

...Which he hadn't detected at all.

Needless to say, this was a worrying thing to an infiltrator. He knew it was solely because of his injury taking all of his attention, but this didn't exactly make the situation better.

>...Jetset.

"Your physical state is even worse than I expected, pity."

He casually stood up, trotting on light hooves over to the changeling. In response, he struggled to turn enough to look the pony straight in the face, finding it quite difficult as the agent moved side to side.

>Come to say hi? Wow, didn't know you cared, I'm so touched.

The pony slowed, looking at him with an unmoving gaze hidden behind sunglasses.

"I don't."

>I see...

The changeling's hoof began to twitch, and his mouth grew flat, and cold.

>So, see you're still a bit scratched up from our little altercation. Regrettable, and avoidable, for shame.

"Yes... I suppose it was a shame."

The agent began to circle him. In turn, the changeling knew he could do nothing but wait, knowing full well he would likely break his chitin further if he tried to keep up. Jetset, it seemed, knew this as well, as he moved ever so slightly out of his field of vision every time. He had the advantage.

>Sorry if you were hoping to keep that under wraps, but I've already informed my Queen in full, as you have no doubt done to yours.

It was quick, near imperceptible, but it was there. A slight mis-step in his trot, a momentary hesitation that only one who spent their whole life looking at how others act could have picked up on.

And oh, he did.

>Not yet? Well, I'm sure you'll get around to it, it's only been a week.

There was a burst of magical energy, and suddenly the agent now stood directly in front of him, nearly muzzle to muzzle.

"I, unlike you, did not allow my injuries to hamper my duties. I tailed my other Queen until she reached home, and ensured her safety."

>Oh yeah, because you of all ponies is the go-to guy for protecting one of Equestria's greatest heroes. You're certainly on her level and will be a big help, just like the other, what, four times Celestia got kidnapped?

He tensed, but said nothing.

>Did you just come down here to threaten me? Because even though I'm injured, I'll still-GNNNGH!

The strike had been fast, nearly too fast to see. A simple poke with the tip of his hoof into one of his many, many bullet wounds. Sadly, even that was too much.

"I'm sure."

The changeling glared at him, but biting down on his own tongue prevented any sort of verbal rebuttal.

"I am merely here to warn you, insect. Now that I know what you are capable of, I will not hold back if your actions should make me think your demise would be in Equestria's best interests. I will not fail twice."

The pain eased up, just enough he could scoff.

>Pfft, right, holding back, that's why you started the fight trying to kill me-GGGRH

Another poke, just as damaging as the last.

But through all the hisses of pain, he managed a growl.

>Fine! Alright! I'm injured, you saw through my clever disguise! Way to go, if you shoot me I'm not going to be okay right away, nothing gets past Jetset-GAH!

"Correct, nothing does get past me. Judging by the amount of holes in you, I'd assume little got past you either."

The changeling's legs began to wobble, and a quick glance back showed quite a large amount of green splotches showing through the gauze taped over all of his body.

>What do you want!?

"I suppose I'm just here to ensure you're still alive... and that you understand."

>Understand what!?

The pony leaned in, nice and close.

"That I do not care if you chose not to kill me. I will not offer you the same courtesy."

Incredulous, wide eyes looked right into those shades, so much so he could see the irises beyond them.

>...That's it?

"Yes."

>Well... whoop de doo.

"So then, you agree?"

>That you'll try to kill me? I wasn't aware I got a say in that.

He didn't answer, just waited, and waited, and waited.

Finally, he lifted his head, spine straight and locked.

"Be weary not to threaten my Queen or her charges ever again. The next time we fight, it will be the last time."

>Why the heck are you threatening me? We were on the same side, and if you had just listened for two seconds-

"If you had spoken clearer, this never would have happened!"

Shockingly, Seven could not recall a single time he had ever heard Jetset raise his voice.

He didn't like it.

>Spoken clearer? You grabbed my head and twisted-

"You should have cleared any and all missions with my Queen before engaging in them, it is your fault you were in that position and you have none to blame but yourself."

>Fine? You know what? Yes. I messed up when I-

"Good."

>...But you also could have-

"It is your fault."

>I feel like you-

"That is all there is to the matter."

>...I think-EGH! WILL YOU STOP THAT!

"No."

Despite that, he immediately turned around, showing his back to the changeling.

"As I said, do not let an occurrence like this happen again. You may think Equestria weak after an event like this, but I assure you... We have not yet begun to show you what we are capable of."

>You know what? Sure, I believe that.

"You should."

>I do, and am weary of Equestria's might. Got the message.

"...You are mocking me."

>What? Are you going to poke me again-GGH! STOP THAT!

"No."

>Just... just teleport off!

"Do not command me."

>Fine! Don't teleport off!

He flashed in an instant.

There was a beat.

And then another flash.

"I wish to inform you that I merely have other issues to attend, and was in the process of casting the spell before you spoke, thus your words held no sway on when I choose to-"

>WILL YOU LEAVE YO-GGLKKK!

"Do not command me."

>Fine, please CHOOSE your actions!

"Very well. Remember my words-"

>CHOOSE!

Another flash, and he was gone.

>...I'm a love eating, identity stealing, infiltrator fighting, monster tracking, half bug half pony monster, and even I think absolutely everyone in this whole damn city is fucking insane!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon
>Pinkie
"Cardboard voiced by Pinkie"
~~~~
Show theme song plays
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiO8a9ErCBg

>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! We acquired a theme song for the show! It's also where the budget went, so we had trouble getting a guest. Don't worry though. I've thought this through. Tonight our guest is going to be...PINKIE PIEEE!!!

Pinkie pulls up a cardboard cutout of herself.
"I'm super excited to-"

>Our question tonight is are we going to see more of you now that you're in the castle?

"Gee I sure h-"

>That's the show! G'night everypony!

"W-wait! Let me stay on a little longer. I'm starving for some spotlight!"

>Uh, I don't know about this. We usually end at this point.

"Puhuhleassssse! This is all I got. I barely show up for canon stuff any more! Think of yourself!"

>Um, I guess we're okay if we keep it under the character limit. I don't know what to talk about though.

"Anything! We could discuss how to insert ourselves more often."

>I'm sure the anons will think of something for us and the other elements.

"The problem is that there are too many side characters. Maybe if we kill some of them then-"

>Whoa whoa whoa, this got dark fast. Why do we have to kill anypony?

"It'll trim down the characters and could put us in the spotlight of a murder mystery. They'd never be able to figure out it was us. It'll be perfect."

>Forget it. I'm not going to do this.

"Fine, I'll just do it while you're asleep."

>Oh no you don't! Not if I stop you now!

Karate chops the Pinkie cardboard cutout and it falls to the floor.

"...y-you're only h-hurting yourself."

>.....AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Wakes up in bed.
>...huh.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC

"Hey, Jet? I'm worried about you, Celestia said-"

>"Oh, I'm sure you know what she said."

"...Yes, I do?"

>"I bet you do."

"...Uh-"

>"Dropout."

"I... I don't think resigning to go rule a kingdom is considered-"

>"Dropout. You're a dropout. You dropped out."

"Well, technically I-"

>"Dropped out. That's what you did."

"...So, I was riding with Celestia-"

>"...!"

"...Did... did your eye just pop?"

>"No."

"It totally did."

>"I know five thousand ways to kill a pony in their sleep before they wake up, and two thousand of those methods on how to do it with them feeling no pain."

"Uh-"

>"I will not be using those methods."

"...Is there something you want to-"

>"I'm watching you!"

*BAMF!*

"...I don't know if I should ask him to go play ball, or go call my guards..."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________