A Condensed, Revised History of The World
by Degg Schiller



The earth has only been able to support complex life for the last 600 or so million years and went through a number of mass extinctions, one of which wiped out literally 99% of species on the planet. Humans are basically the result of millions of years of lucking out. Homo sapiens weren't even the smartest human species, we were just the most prolific and went around assimilating all the competitors like the Borg. When technology came around, it wasn't just a matter of who got the good genes anymore, it was who found the better way to kill off the people with better genes. Fire was most likely discovered by some jackasses fucking around with flint.

Intelligent life is a fluke.
An accident.
An anomaly.

Smart Tribesman with A++ genes: Hey dumbasses, stop playing with those sharp rocks. You will cut yourself and it will hurt.

Retard kids who dropped out of shaman school: Lol fuck you, Smart Tribesman with A++ genes

 	They proceed to try to use flint to graffiti dicks on all the cave paintings and end up sending sparks flying into a nearby dried out cannabis bush. It catches fire and the fumes from BC kush send them into a pyromania frenzy that motivates them to burn down Smart Tribesman with A++ genes' hut for talking shit. Their drug induced arson continues and they manage to get the entirety of Troglodyte Town thoroughly blazed. Troglodyte Town becomes the chief exporter of Spirit Smoke (which all the proto-religions needed to conduct ceremonies) and Zippo lighters.

 	However, Troglodyte Town's residents eventually become lazy and lethargic from being high all the time and have to outsource their production to the nearby China tribe, who have discovered a way to continually create exact copies of themselves through heavy industry. The mass produced lighters are distributed to the local farmers to protect their crops against zombies. One day, a farmer whose wife and kids were taken by the Bubonic Plague decides to smoke opium next to his bovine companion to develop a substance dependency. The cow discharges methane from its discharging region and ignites an explosion that blows away the aether layer surrounding Earth and exposes the moon.

 	The moon allows for primitive calendars to be created which allowed for primitive drinking holidays to come about, creating the first Irish people. The Irish evolved in a land completely made out of potatoes and developed the first potato cannons with zippo lighters and bottled cow discharges. Because the Irish are the first to discover this technology, they go about the globe selling potato chips to less privileged communities. The kids in these communities end up developing severe acne from the potato chip grease and wear different types of masks to cover it up. In a particular land known as Texas, children with masks are demoted to bottom-tier citizens and forced to cart around manure to fertilize the tobacco fields (by this time humans had developed simple economies based around cigarettes). This leads to the invention of horses.

 	The Texans become the first empire and built a Ten-Gallon-Hat tower to the moon in order to colonize it and establish breweries on the far side to obtain ultimate control over the drinking holiday trade. However, their diminished lung capacities from smoking mean that they cannot develop sufficient primitive space suits and have to start sending an aquatic race known as the French on space missions for them. The French discover cheese on the moon and take it back to Earth to serve at fancy dinner parties.

 	The types of people that go to fancy dinner parties eventually interbreed with each other and create the first Republicans. The Republicans need a constant supply of oil to fuel their money printers and go about extracting it from the hairs of a sessile people known as the Neckbeards. The Neckbeards soon find that with all the grease from their ponytails drained, they now have the motivation to scrape their faces with sharp metal and interact with a secretive tribe from South America known as Women. This is how sexual reproduction starts.

 	Sexual reproduction leads to massive market of men feeling inadequate about their sexual reproductive components because they are no longer needed for sword battles and have to be used as lances instead. A mysterious digital race capitalizes on this and soon the entire world finds their electronic mailboxes full of canned meat. The world disposes of the canned meat by dumping it into the ocean, where it evolves into whales.

 	The whales manage to breach their way into the United Nations and start blubbering on about Japanese people committing hate crimes against them. The United Nations responds by revoking Japan's eligibility for sexual reproduction tax benefits and the country sinks into a recession. Archeologists have confirmed that this is when the Japanese started harvesting wild fleshlights and refining them into Tenga products (which is why people who use raw fleshlights are dirt-wallowing primitives). The massive success of tengas leads to early alchemists at Nintendo to synthesize the ultimate in unobtainiality: the anime girl.

 	Anime girls are able to proliferate through a metaphysical field known as "the internet" and find their way into the hearts of socially awkward teenage boys worldwide. An endeavoring politician known as Ron Paul uses the promise of bring anime girls into the physical world as his platform and creates the mental nation of Fedora, where every citizen is required by law to wear a tin-foil lined hat that blocks the ability to think critically by restricting blood flow to the cognitive centers of the brain.

 	The Fedorans, unable to process their thoughts correctly, unintentionally merge the previous technologies of horses, anime girls, and sexual reproduction and regress into Neckbeard primitives, forming a cult known as Bronies. Bronies are persecuted and martyred worldwide until a Roman emperor with the sun in his eyes confuses them with Christians and creates the Roman Catholic Church.

 	The Roman Catholic Church conquers the entire internet and resurrects their lord and savior, Ron Paul, as part of a conspiracy to retrieve ancient Texan artifacts to locate the lost moon tower. The moon tower is found on a secret island in the Pacific known by the natives as Frito-Lay. They gather everyone in the world claiming to have Irish heritage (so everyone in the world) and convert the tower into the largest potato cannon ever constructed. They then blast the moon into cheese dust and funnel it in to create the ultimate life elixir that man had imagined since the inception of Spirit Smoke: Cheetos.

 	So whenever you get that yellow-orange dust all over your game controller, remember that it was ultimately conceived in a series of far-fetched but inter-related accidents.
      Just like life.
      Just like humanity.
      Just like you.