im fuckin exhausted dudes

i cant even really stop myself, keeping myself busy from the second i wake up to when i go to sleep way past my bedtime, i've been running on 5-6 hours sleep or less nightly for a few months now i think? yeah i know it's bad but i can't shut my brain off when i'm working on something lol

i just want a day where i can relax and do nothing but i cant even bring myself to do that cuz it bothers me if i have things that need to be finished or worked on and im not doing them, and i hate sitting with those thoughts and im like addicted to the feeling of completing something and just keep working and working and working. weekly anime night is cathartic cause i literally dont have to do anything but sit around for a set amount of time laughing with my friends

outside of my actual job i have 2 big ongoing programming projects i still gotta finish, i need to rewrite a lot of the code in my github, i need to finish learning the new smrpg route by may 17, i need to finish learning super 16 by may 21, im trying to stream 3+ times a week, and got other stuff here and there to work on in between. then there's weekends, got lots of fun stuff coming up but also comes with a lot of responsibility and the exhaustion of traveling around. this upcoming weekend i'm going to CEO Dreamland to run Brawl, the weekend after I'm going to Cleveland to visit Bobby, Adin, and Jon, the weekend after I have to do anime north meetings and planning, the weekend after that I'm going out of town for my friend's birthday, the next two weekends after that are RPG Limit Break and Super 16 and NASA kinda conglomerated together, the weekend after that is anime north... then after that it's the first weekend of june where maybe i'll sleep for a few hours or something, then the weekend after that is buckeye speed bash. oh yeah i havent even done my taxes yet lol

my internet is also fucked lol so no more streaming, you'd think that'd be an opportunity to chill the fuck out and finish stuff until it gets fixed but nah i gotta pack and shit. but it's cool cause CEO dreamland is gonna be really dope though and im really happy to have the opportunity to work for this event and provide my services to the brawl community. this might be the last tournament i'm able to TO in 2017 because of my limited vacation time, which sucks because i love helping out smash 64 and brawl whenever i have the opportunity to. TOing is pretty much the only thing i'm still good for anyway and 64 has lots of ppl who can do that. brawl on the other hand there aren't that many of us who can help out at nationals which sucks because i wish there were more ppl who can devote their time and focus to brawl who already love the game and are at least aware that it still has a community in 2017. chibo is really fucking good at that and i hope he keeps doing stuff this year.

there's some things in my personal life that i'm growing increasingly unhappy with, things that i just kept brushing off as being no big deal and would solve themselves, that was a mistake, those things catch up with you. talking about them to a real person is weird for me, i feel like i need to vent it out for the therapeutic effect but don't really want to do that publicly. idk, maybe i need a private twitter. been thinking about that for a while now but it's weird I just kinda feel vulnerable with the idea of having one? who even knows who you can really trust and all that shit

sean was there for me when i had an episode of getting too deep into my own thoughts for my own good and flek is always being a sweetheart and offering to hear me out when i got things on my mind and im really appreciative to have those guys and elm in my life, y'all really are the best friends ive made since getting into twitch. i still always feel like i'm bothering you guys when shit is getting me down though.

i can't concentrate when my best friends are dealing with stress, worrying about them becomes all i can do or think about even when i know there's nothing i can do, i get hella distracted at work when i have that sinking feeling in my stomach, im too old for this...

work is good though. my boss is really excited for me to demo my work to upper management. that's gonna be tomorrow morning. that gives me a really good feeling. he really believes in my work and i'm very very confident in what i've created, i feel really strongly about the vision i've had for my current project over the last year and a half and i think it shows in my work. i don't know what the fuck i'd do with myself if i didn't have a fulfilling job.

and all i really wanna do is play idiot pills. i wanna be good at that game more than anything right now but i kinda have to put it on the backburner for a while bc of other deadlines and that makes me sad

i need a mac computer. a second hand one will do. anything that can run the latest xcode. i hate not being able to release my creations on all the platforms they should be on but windows can't compile for ios. i even write all my shit to be multiplatform, but i can't build it. i need to make a custom twitch chat app for myself. i don't have the money for a new computer though, especially not a mac. sucks to suck i guess

why can't i bring my snes on an airplane or bus and plug it in, i wanna practice shit when im traveling all over the place, travel time is so idle and i hate it. i especially hate flying but bussing sucks too. but it's worth it

pearathon is the fucking best. i love elm and flek so much. elm is so fucking smart and talented. flek's enthusiasm is really on another level and he's such a kind-hearted person. i'm really glad they're my friends and feel extremely fortunate that my closest friends in the speedrunning community live near me. im really sad we wont be able to do one again for a few months bc i can't stay grounded for very long, ever, apparently

and i'm also really happy when we pull sean into a discord call with us when we're all hanging out since he can't physically be there with us. i'm really sad we wont get to play ff6 again for a while bc we usually try to do that on weekends and lol at me being available on weekends ever again apparently. and he's so tired from his exhausting job during the week and i feel like an asshole asking him to play video games with me after work. but man i just really like doing stuff with my dope-ass friend. i bought xenogears though which he really wanted to see me stream so maybe i can do that instead for a while lol

when will i start taking care of myself