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Dorf Story

Jun 29th, 2014
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  1. Really? Sure, I guess. Never really done a storytime before.
  2. The storyline is fairly basic, as we were all kind of new to D&D.
  3. It begins with all the characters meeting up at the entrance to an adventurers guild, as they were (in character) sick of taverns, and wanting some stability.
  4. They then immediately precedeed to have an adventuring pissing contest, comparing deeds, and two actually got into a fistfight.
  5. Anyway
  6. >Bard of the many blades
  7. I've determined I'm never going to allow this bard to ever play a combat class. The world wouldn't be able to handle it. Fucker almost singlehandedly took down half the enemies with criticals, trickery, and not ONCE played a song, or tried to fuck a monster but relied on charisma and wits to beat everything. Generally a cool dude.
  8.  
  9. Gimme a sec, I actually need to look up my notes for this party.
  10.  
  11. Alright, Found-em. Time to continue.
  12. We got the second guy
  13. >Wizard of Paladin-ness
  14. This guy was a lawful good(Lawful stupid) wizard
  15. I'm talking the dude would give his robes away to a starving orphan if they looked raggedy enough. Had a couple aspirations, but all I can remember about this guy was that he could roleplay the FUCK out of this guy. Was legitimately scared when I rolled out a necromancer by the look on his face.
  16. >Rouge of useslessness
  17. Failed to do anything the entire game
  18. He's so fucking QUIET. I legitimately forgot he was there for 10 minutes one time. Suuuuuper fucking chill dude. I'd think he was high all the time if he didn't live with basically judge dredd for a father. Fixed my computer for free.
  19. >DORF fighter
  20. Just can't stop drinking and eating weird foods. He drinks hot sauce, just like... out of the bottle. He actually had non-FDA approved stuff in his room. (IT BURNS OUR FLESH hot level)\
  21. As I said before, spent the entire campaign drinking. More on him as the story goes.
  22.  
  23. The story "begins" (I had them roleplay a decent bit to where they met up naturally at this point)
  24. With them all trying to force their way into an adventurers guild. They get into a massive fight, but soon resolved their diffrences once they realized two of them had actually met each other before on adventures.
  25. Inside the guild, a guild-girl lined up the current quests, and whilst I was expecting the bard to immediately fall in love with her, or the wizard to fall into her questline of JUSTICE... nope. Bard is so apathetic I could almost feel the pure waves of don't give a fuck, and the wizard was interrupted by the dwarf. Dwarf fighter almost gets them kicked out by basically being as lewd as possible without actually touching the girl. She then gets pissed, and describes THE quest. THE quest had been on the board for almost the full amount of time before it can be taken down. An absurdly massive reward, but the lack of information, and the early questers not coming back stopped anyone from trying again. She's just trying to scare them, but that didn't work in the slightest.
  26. Naturally, the PC's were the only ones insane enough to actually go along with this particular quest, despite having multiple just on the board in front of them.
  27. Dorf takes a swig, in character and out, and immediately decides he likes this girls gusto, and takes the quest.
  28. Wizardman takes it because for GREAT JUSTICE must this evil be slain
  29. Bardofmanyblades loves adventuring purely for the sake of it, so hes game for the toughest possible.
  30. rouge of silence just kinda goes along with it.
  31.  
  32. So, they gather their supplies, and head out into the swamp somewhat near the town. They have absolutely no information beyond a temple in this swamp sent out a bloodstained letter for help against a great evil, with a staggering amount of gold promised.
  33.  
  34. They enter the area, and are set upon by lizardfolk. Normally, Lizardfolk would not be a problem, and they could even bluff their way past. However Dorf's first instinct is "FOR GLORY" and charges DIRECTLY into the chieftan. These lizardfolk were starving, and near rabid with hunger. The party cleaves a blody path through them, leaving broken bodies behind.
  35. They failed to even kill any of the lizardfolk, which to this day I'm unsure if they inherently knew the lizardfolk were not in their right mind, or just didn't care enough about roving bandits that stuck to a swamp
  36.  
  37. They soon fight through a couple other random encounters, with the Dwarf taking a drink every battle start and end, but drinking very little otherwise. Bardo'manyblades is singlehandedly (literally) dealing with most of the combat with his rapier and taunts keeping enemies focused on him. Wizardman is throwing magic missles like its going out of style, but staying back during combat, barely speaking beyond spellcasts.
  38. They soon reach the temple, barely a pile of rubble leading into a staircase deep underground.
  39. Picture is my party. I was honestly worried I was doing badly, because everyone was really, really serious. Near nobody talked beyond actions and roleplaying. Later I found out they were just so into it, but damn, i was sweating bullets then.
  40. Getting Tea, one moment.
  41.  
  42. They enter the temple, and go down this long flight of stone stairs upon which they reach the "fun room"
  43. The "fun room" was where a high leveled necromancer was desecrating, molesting, raising, and pillaging all the corpses of adventurers that had come in, as well as the entire population of a town that had died from a disease a while back.
  44. My entire party was good, and starting with the dorf, they flipped out.
  45. Reactions, in order
  46. >Dorf player
  47. actually spilled his drink a little to shout something along the lines of "FUCKIN HELL" followed by "THORS BEARD THIS SHALL NOT STAND"
  48. >Bard guy
  49. "I ready EVERYTHING"
  50. >rouge
  51. "spot check listen check"... ect, basically every kind of check for looking
  52. >The necromancer himself
  53. He was elbows deep in a young girls sternum, Fiddling with her bone structure, trying to figure out a more efficient skeleton raising technique.
  54. >Wizard
  55. Oh... oh man the wizard. His backstory was fucking glorious. His life was dedicated to magic, purely so he could smite evil that occured in the world to raise public opinion of wizard... APART from necromancers. Necromancers killed his daughter, and he flipped SHIT. He prepared spells every day that he refused to use, just in case he ever met a necromancer. I didn't know this before I started the quest, but I couldn't have planned it better myself.
  56. The wizard basically flippped out both in and out of character.
  57. He ignored the fact he was in a room with the rest of the party and used basically every weapon in his repotoire at once.
  58. something along the lines of "maximized empowered fireball of +5 vorpal ass raping"
  59.  
  60. Sorry if this isn't all that good, I'll get to the DORF bit if that's all you want.
  61.  
  62. Anyway, temple is where the full murderhobos came out. After the initial blast, around half the undead in the room were still uh... not dead.
  63. Necromancer himself managed to survive because of an amulet of something or other magic resist. The sheer force of the spell actually broke it, but the wizard was completely drained anyway.
  64.  
  65. With the wizard out of combat temporarily, the undead quickly swarmed the party, forcing them back up into the staircase.
  66. The Dwarf fighter basically just held his shield up and tried to stop the undead from forcing him onto the ground. He stopped drinking for this one combat, and was purely focused on survival.
  67. The bard was fairly useless at this point, for once unable to do anything besides poke oer the dwarf with his rapier.
  68. Rouge shined during this instance, pelting the undead with his magical crossbow bolts, and targeting the necromancer if he poked his head around the corner. Singlehandedly saved the party here.
  69. Wizard recovered, and almost forced his way past the party in an attempt to take down the necromancer
  70. They forced him back, and retreated back up to the swamp, where the battle began in earnest
  71.  
  72. I'm gonna be completely honest. I remember 0% of the battle, beyond it ended with things on fire. The necromancer was torched anyway after his death VIA fireball, all the undead were burned, the rouge and wizard missed a couple times with fire enchantmented weapons/spells respectively, and set the forest somewhat on fire, which went out quickly being a swamp.
  73. Bard darted around the entire combat, preventing the necromancer from getting a bead on him, and allowed the rouge to get in a lucky sneak attack once.
  74. Long story short, fight was a fuckton harder then I had planned it to be, and they burned EVERYTHING.
  75.  
  76. The next part I remember clearly as if it were yesterday. The party near unanimously agreed that the entire place needed to be purged, but they were unprepared. The wizard had to be physically prevented from running back and trying to burn the entire area to the ground every couple days.
  77. They went on a couple other quests, and leveled up a bit. This is where the DORF gathered all his beer, where the bard actually discovered he could play music, and where the rouge continued to fade into the background.
  78.  
  79. They head into the inn of the town nearest the swamp, preparing to take on what they expect is a suicidal quest into this unholy temple. Guards had been stationed around the town the entire time, but had been slowly losing ground daily, so the party had to return lest the (fairly large) town be overtaken. I can't recall why some of townsfolk couldn't just move, but I believe it was because of something to do with how magical the earth was around there.
  80.  
  81. Anyway- the Actual BBEG was a really ancient elvish lich. He believed that all the sentient races were an abomination, and that everything should return back to when life was ruled by the strongest beasts, the dinosaurs. He couldn't leave the temple himself, having tied himself to area as a semi-phylactery. (he had an actual one as well, but also tied himself to the earth itself to gain more power over the area)
  82. He grabbed a nearby villager, and polymorphed him into what he thought to be the greatest of his ideology- the T-rex.
  83. He aimed the tyrannosaurus at the village, and let it rampage.
  84. Compelled to head towards the party, the T-rex headed directly towards the inn.
  85.  
  86. T-rex stumbled into the village, causing everyone to freak out and run away. The rouge was just baffled, both in and out of character, and just noped the fuck out, hoping to maybe get in a sneak attack or two when things stopped being crazy.
  87. The bard got this really creepy smile on his face and basically went full shonen protagonist, with "aha~! A challenge for my skills"
  88. The wizard, for once was the grabbing party and pulled the bard out of the path of the T-rex, and into the Inn.
  89. The dwarf, at this point drunk off his ass, offered the polymorphed T-rex something to drink.
  90. The tyrannosaurus was confused. The person inside had a small source of semblance, but the sheer stupidity of the T-rex brain nearly drowned it out. "Everything run. Why small thing not run? Small thing have smelly thing. Small thing have LOT of smelly thing." The bard, noticing the confusion, played a song to soothe the savage beast, which allowed for the following: It was at this point the person inside realized it was being offered beer, which I rolled a will save to counter the liches control, which succeed, for the most part. It didn't break free, but it knew it really liked to drink, and so it did, out of a foxhole made by the "valiant defenders of the town" who had previously ran the fuck away upon seeing the T-rex
  91.  
  92. Cut to around 20 minutes later, with the dwarf player still drinking, having a good time with "the lizard"
  93. I was also slightly drunk at this time, grabbing a couple swigs as soon as the dwarf said he was going to give a gigantic dinosaur something to drink.
  94. The Dorf, in the most astonishingly un-sober display of planning I have ever seen, decided he was gonna roast the funny big lizard to eat.... and used a magic staff from his bag of holding to "cook the thing"
  95. Being covered in beer on the inside and outside, along with a literal pool of beer, he caused a huge explosion.
  96. Thus "ends" the tale of the best work I've had from a character drunk off their ass. It probably would have killed a party member or two had it lived, and most certainly killed a bunch of the village, but they got out if it somewhat intact, with only the building and dwarf player needing to be repaired and revived, respectively.
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