luka

Krysalism: Hey Buns
blankie: hiii
blankie: u ok
blankie: ?
Krysalism: Not really but it'll be okay.
blankie: do you want to vent?
blankie: no judgement or bias or nothin
Krysalism: i
Krysalism: yeah
blankie: im all ears <3
Krysalism: i'm just lonely and i feel like my existence is worthless
Krysalism: esp being disabled AND trans?
Krysalism: who would want to be with me lmao
Krysalism: i feel broken
Krysalism: my mom is always taking care of me
Krysalism: partners leave me bc i'm too much
Krysalism: i'm scared to even try to meet people where i live
Krysalism: esp since texas is a republican state
Krysalism: i'm always thinking
Krysalism: i shouldn't have been born
Krysalism: what's even the point of my existence
Krysalism: i'm 31 fucking years old
Krysalism: and i can't even do anything by myself
Krysalism: it's like i'm stuck being a teenager
Krysalism: and no one is going to want to take care of me
Krysalism: esp when my stupid brain and body get worse as i get older
Krysalism: i'm terrified of getting older bc i can barely remember most of my life already
Krysalism: i feel like this life is a punishment from a previous life
Krysalism: i can't even bare to think of my mom passing away
Krysalism: and then i feel selfish bc part of it is bc i'm scared of what'll happen to me
Krysalism: i've been left behind by people i felt were friends my entire life
Krysalism: i was entirely forgotten once for Halloween when i was there with them making plans
Krysalism: am i so forgettable?
Krysalism: do i mean so little?
Krysalism: and i always have this underlying feeling of being a huge burden
Krysalism: i require so much
Krysalism: i feel like i'm going to end up old and alone
Krysalism: i think about how i'm 31 and i don't have a family of my own
Krysalism: which i know is stupid
Krysalism: but then i think
Krysalism: these last 30 years have gone by so quickly, esp since i can't remember most of it
Krysalism: so what if the next 30 years go by just as quickly
Krysalism: and i'm 60 in the blink of an eye
Krysalism: and i will have nothing and no one
blankie: i dont want to type over you, but im here
Krysalism: every single time i get a new medication
Krysalism: one of my first thoughts is
Krysalism: "what would happen if i took the whole bottle or took all of my meds at once"
blankie: you know
blankie: i understand how you feel, to a certain extent
blankie: im sorry that you've been dealt such a difficult deck
blankie: i genuinely look forward to talking to you though, and i would notice if you were gone
blankie: i know its not much, and i know that you ache for something romantic- i wish for it for you, you are deserving of it
blankie: and you're not worthless by any means
blankie: and luce as a mother
blankie: if my child is disabled
blankie: i would never be sad i had to take care of him
blankie: i wouldnt feel any kind of way toward him
blankie: hes my baby
blankie: i love him
blankie: i will always see him as my baby
blankie: being a mother usually means having unconditional love for that baby
blankie: if nothing is wrong with mom
blankie: plenty of people who are disabled find love
blankie: its harder, i wont deny that
blankie: because blowing smoke up your ass is stupid
blankie: i have psoriatic arithritis, i think pots at this point, im on the cusp of being diagnosed with did and bpd, as well as literally autism and ptsd, i throw tantrums likea  child and my partners always leave, evenw hen they promise they can handle itt
blankie: theres so much wrong with me
blankie: my brain split and snapped because ive been under so much traums
blankie: no one is perfect
blankie: and on the opposite end of that
blankie: no one is worthless
blankie: no one is undeserving
Krysalism: /me holds out his arms
blankie: i say that all just to try to tell you that i relate, but that i believe in us
blankie: i have so much love for us
blankie: and i hope for us
blankie: so ill be strong for us right now too you know?
blankie: /me patted his head and snuggled him
blankie: can you do me a favor
blankie: youre close with your mom right?
Krysalism: Yeah
blankie: can you let her know how youve been feeling?
blankie: maybe hearing it from her mouth would feel good
blankie: did i do okay? i just want to make sure did i help?
Krysalism: /me nuzzles, clinging to her
Krysalism: yeah, you did <3
Krysalism: thank you
blankie: thank you for opening up to me
Krysalism: /me shakes his head
Krysalism: thank you for listening
Krysalism: i always feel... annoying, when i complain
blankie: i dont think youre annoying at all
blankie: i think youre valid
Krysalism: also
blankie: your life is hard
Krysalism: i wanted to apologize for ghosting you
blankie: and its normal to struggle and feel upset
blankie: oh water under the bridge
blankie: i dont mind
Krysalism: i still shouldn't have just left
Krysalism: i should know better bc of what i've been thru
Krysalism: but thank you <3
blankie: well i know youre close wtih luka and people naturally gravitate to their people
Krysalism: /me nodnod
Krysalism: you know i have a crush on Luka, right?
blankie: i thought so
blankie: have you thought of telling them?
Krysalism: Luka knows
Krysalism: has known
Krysalism: i don't expect anything to come of it
blankie: mm-mm they dont
blankie: i asked them today
blankie: they said they think its past tense
Krysalism: so i have these flashes of jealousy that i distract myself from.
Krysalism: Oh?
blankie: i think you should tell them, and if you two wanted to persue something, i wouldnt mind stepping back
blankie: i just got out of a relationship so im stepping back and i dont want to stop anyone from finding their person
Krysalism: i find it kinda funny that you say that bc when we set up our Protector/protected dynamic, they said, "That being said, if there ever comes a point where you have other feelings or want to pursue something else with me, let me know so we can discuss it and decide what to do"
Krysalism: /me giggles, nuzzling against Buns
blankie: lukas really sweet
Krysalism: They are ~
blankie: /me scritched behind his ears <#
blankie: <3
Krysalism: and you are too
blankie: i have a lot of love for my freinds ^__^ thank you
Krysalism: i do too ;o;
Krysalism: /me smooches all over her face
blankie: do you think you're gonna tell them?
blankie: /me returned the kisses <3__<3
Krysalism: yeah
Krysalism: i will
Krysalism: actually, would you be okay if i just sent them this whole chat
blankie: oh yeah thats totally fine :D
Krysalism: okie cx